Quantcast

The 5 Traits Of The High Value Woman That Drive The Fellas Wild

Love & Relationships

Women have always been powerful in their own right.


It is only recently that we have truly been owning that power in a truly revolutionary way. With all the girl boss books, female anthems, and calls from Beyoncé to get coordinated – there is no excuse to feel anything but empowered in your womanhood. We are successful in our own rights, we are breaking boundaries, and writing our own rules to live rich and fulfilling lives. The future is no doubt female.

As women of today, we can do whatever we want, be whoever we want, and have whatever we want. By extension, we can also have whoever we want. Enter, the high value woman.

She is strong, she is independent, and she knows what she wants out of life and strives to get it. She is a force to be reckoned with. A queen among queens and when you encounter her energy, she casts a spell that makes her so memorable, she's impossible to forget. It's deeper than physical beauty – it's an aura that she exudes. Read on for the 5 traits of a high value woman and find out how to slay the dating game.

5 Traits Of A High Value Woman

The high value woman doesn't equate her worth to sex.

As a woman, your worth isn't tied to your vagina. Women's bodies have always been theirs without truly belonging to them. Sex has culturally been a determining factor that insecure men draw a false sense of power from and thereby feel the need to base a woman's worth on her body count or lack thereof. But who gave a man that power? *Cue Queen Mother Erykah Badu* Certainly, not me.

The high value woman knows her worth without relying on a man to validate her worth or value. The high value woman doesn't let what others think of her dictate how she lives her life. The high value woman doesn't use sex as collateral and instead makes decisions for her body based on her wants, independent of what anyone else says in attempts to try to police – whether it is celibacy, abstinence, or sex three times a week.

A high value woman transforms sexuality into what it is, a vessel of self-expression and intimacy, as opposed to a commodity. She is aware that the aspect of her that a man should really be worried about acquiring is her exclusivity. That's the real prize.

The high value woman is confident.

While confidence can be faked until it's made, authentic and deeply felt self-love stems from a place of true confidence. And that is where a high value woman harnesses her power. She doesn't need anyone and as a result, none of her actions come from a place of neediness – instead, it echoes confidence. She knows her worth and it is evident in the way that she walks, talks, but most importantly, in the way that she treats herself.

Thus, the quality of men she attracts know they have to step their game up and treat her in a way that matches what she does on her own or more, or they can keep it moving.

The high value woman doesn't play games.

Because she is a high value woman, she doesn't feel the need to behave in a way that is inauthentic to her desires nor is she one to manipulate for the hell of it. She doesn't pretend to be busy, take twice as long to respond as her potential bae did to a text, or swallow and shroud herself in an effort to be more likeable to the opposite sex. She doesn't have to follow arbitrary rules to seem more unattainable or more attractive – she just doesn't have the concern.

She is only interested in attracting and keeping people who value who she is as a woman in the way that she values who she is. That kind of woman is not worried about whether or not potential bae is thrilled by the chase.

The high value woman is self-aware and expressive.

Some women fail to realize that a lot of what makes them a woman are qualities to be revered – being emotional and sensitive are just two of those qualities. These are beautiful feminine qualities that you should own as pivotal aspects of your divinity. Closed mouths don't get fed, and women hide so much of themselves out of fear of being too this or too that, so they don't voice their opinions, their thoughts, or feelings – especially in dating.

The high value woman doesn't hide herself in any way from the world, especially not from a prospective partner. She understands that it's not what you say, it's how you say it and that the way she expresses herself is a part of seduction and intimacy. She is grounded in her own sensibility and understanding of the world. She is not afraid to ask for what she wants, to say “no," or demand respect by walking away confidently from a table where dinner is no longer served.

The high value woman has her own.

Her value is not intrinsically dependent on a man. She is enough just by existing so she is enough for herself. She feels good in her own skin, complete, full, and whole. She is a well-rounded woman who is emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually independent. She travels the world, makes time for her girls, and clocks in to a work life she's passionate about.

She can wait for Mr. Right without desperation because she knows that the man she chooses will be the one that deserves her and all that she is.

Featured image by Getty Images

Originally published December 9, 2017.

Related Articles From Your Site
Related Articles Around the Web

You may not know her by Elisabeth Ovesen – writer and host of the love, sex and relationships advice podcast Asking for a Friend. But you definitely know her other alter ego, Karrine Steffans, the New York Times best-selling author who lit up the literary and entertainment world when she released what she called a “tell some” memoir, Confessions of a Video Vixen.

Her 2005 barn-burning book gave an inside look at the seemingly glamorous world of being a video vixen in the ‘90s and early 2000s, and exposed the industry’s culture of abuse, intimidation, and misogyny years before the Me Too Movement hit the mainstream. Her follow-up books, The Vixen Diaries (2007) and The Vixen Manual: How To Find, Seduce And Keep The Man You Want (2009) all topped the New York Times best-seller list. After a long social media break, she's back. xoNecole caught up with Ovesen about the impact of her groundbreaking book, what life is like for her now, and why she was never “before her time”– everyone else was just late to the revolution.

xoNecole: Tell me about your new podcast Asking for a Friend with Elisabeth Ovesen and how that came about.

Elisabeth Ovesen: I have a friend who is over [at Blavity] and he just asked me if I wanted to do something with him. And that's just kinda how it happened. It wasn't like some big master plan. Somebody over there was like, “Hey, we need content. We want to do this podcast. Can you do it?” And I was like, “Sure.” And that's that. That was around the holidays and so we started working on it.

xoNecole: Your life and work seem incredibly different from when you first broke out on the scene. Can you talk a bit about the change in your career and how your life is now?

EO: Not that different. I mean my life is very different, of course, but my work isn't really that different. My life is different, of course, because I'm 43. My career started when I was in my 20s, so we're looking at almost 20 years since the beginning of my career. So, naturally life has changed a lot since then.

I don’t think my career has changed a whole lot – not as far as my writing is concerned, and my stream of consciousness with my writing, and my concerns and the subject matter hasn’t changed much. I've always written about interpersonal relationships, sexual shame, male ego fragility, respectability politics – things like that. I always put myself in the center of that to make those points, which I think were greatly missed when I first started writing. I think that society has changed quite a bit. People are more aware. People tell me a lot that I have always been “before my time.” I was writing about things before other people were talking about that; I was concerned about things before my generation seemed to be concerned about things. I wasn't “before my time.” I think it just seems that way to people who are late to the revolution, you know what I mean?

I retired from publishing in 2015, which was always the plan to do 10 years and retire. I was retired from my pen name and just from the business in general in 2015, I could focus on my business, my education and other things, my family. I came back to writing in 2020 over at Medium. The same friend that got me into the podcast, actually as the vice president of content over at Medium and was like, “Hey, we need some content.” I guess I’m his go-to content creator.

xoNecole: Can you expound on why you went back to your birth name versus your stage name?

EO: No, it was nothing to expound upon. I mean, writers have pen names. That’s like asking Diddy, why did he go by Sean? I didn't go back. I've always used that. Nobody was paying attention. I've never not been myself. Karrine Steffans wrote a certain kind of book for a certain kind of audience. She was invented for the urban audience, particularly. She was never meant to live more than 10 years. I have other pen names as well. I write under several names. So, the other ones are just nobody's business right now. Different pen names write different things. And Elisabeth isn’t my real name either. So you'll never know who I really am and you’ll never know what my real name is, because part of being a writer is, for me at least, keeping some sort of anonymity. Anything I do in entertainment is going to amass quite a bit because who I am as a person in my private life isn't the same a lot of times as who I am publicly.

xoNecole: I want to go back to when you published Confessions of a Video Vixen. We are now in this time where people are reevaluating how the media mistreated women in the spotlight in the 2000s, namely women like Britney Spears. So I’d be interested to hear how you feel about that period of your life and how you were treated by the media?

EO: What I said earlier. I think that much of society has evolved quite a bit. When you look back at that time, it was actually shocking how old-fashioned the thinking still was. How women were still treated and how they're still treated now. I mean, it hasn't changed completely. I think that especially for the audience, I think it was shocking for them to see a woman – a woman of color – not be sexually ashamed.

I hate being like other people. I don't want to do what anyone else is doing. I can't conform. I will not conform. I think in 2005 when Confessions was published, that attitude, especially about sex, was very upsetting. Number one, it was upsetting to the men, especially within urban and hip-hop culture, which is built on misogyny and thrives off of it to this day. And the women who protect these men, I think, you know, addressing a demographic that is rooted in trauma that is rooted in sexual shame, trauma, slavery of all kinds, including slavery of the mind – I think it triggered a lot of people to see a Black woman be free in this way.

I think it said a lot about the people who were upset by it. And then there were some in “crossover media,” a lot of white folks were upset too, not gonna lie. But to see it from Black women – Tyra Banks was really upset [when she interviewed me about Confessions in 2005]. Oprah wasn't mad [when she interviewed me]. As long as Oprah wasn’t mad, I was good. I didn't care what anybody else had to say. Oprah was amazing. So, watching Black women defend men, and Black women who had a platform, defend the sexual blackmailing of men: “If you don't do this with me, you won't get this job”; “If you don't do this in my trailer, you're going to have to leave the set”– these are things that I dealt with.

I just happened to be the kind of woman who, because I was a single mother raising my child all by myself and never got any help at all – which I still don't. Like, I'm 24 in college – not a cheap college either – one of the best colleges in the country, and I'm still taking care of him all by myself as a 21-year-old, 20-year-old, young, single mother with no family and no support – I wasn’t about to say no to something that could help me feed my son for a month or two or three.

xoNecole: We are in this post-Me Too climate where women in Hollywood have come forward to talk about the powerful men who have abused them. In the music industry in particular, it seems nearly impossible for any substantive change or movement to take place within music. It's only now after three decades of allegations that R. Kelly has finally been convicted and other men like Russell Simmons continue to roam free despite the multiple allegations against him. Why do you think it's hard for the music industry to face its reckoning?

EO: That's not the music industry, that's urban music. That’s just Black folks who make music and nobody cares about that. That's the thing; nobody cares...Nobody cares. It's not the music industry. It's just an "urban" thing. And when I say "urban," I say that in quotations. Literally, it’s a Black thing, where nobody gives a shit what Black people do to Black people. And Russell didn't go on unchecked, he just had enough money to keep it quiet. But you know, anytime you're dealing with Black women being disrespected, especially by Black men, nobody gives a shit.

And Black people don't police themselves so it doesn't matter. Why should anybody care? And Black women don't care. They'll buy an R. Kelly album right now. They’ll stream that shit right now. They don’t care. So, nobody cares. Nobody cares. And if you're not going to police yourself, then nobody's ever going to care.

xoNecole: Do you have any regrets about anything you wrote or perhaps something you may have omitted?

EO: Absolutely not. No. There's nothing that I wish I would've gone back and said to myself, no. I don’t think at 20-something years old, I'm supposed to understand every little thing. I don't think the 20-something-year-old woman is supposed to understand the world and know exactly what she's doing. I think that one of my biggest regrets, which isn't my regret, but a regret, is that I didn't have better parents. Because a 20-something only knows what she knows based on what she’s seen and what she’s been taught and what she’s told. I had shitty parents and a horrible family. Just terrible. These people had no business having children. None of them. And a lot of our families are like that. And we may pass down those familial curses.

*This interview has been edited and condensed

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.

Feature image courtesy of Elisabeth Ovesen

The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

To be or not to be, that’s the big question regarding relationships these days – and whether or not to remain monogamous. Especially as we walk into this new awakening of what it means to be in an ethically or consensual nonmonogamous relationship. By no means are the concepts of nonmonogamy new, so when I say 'new awakening,' I simply mean in a “what comes around, goes around” way, people are realizing that the options are limitless. And, based on our personal needs in relationships they can, in fact, be customized to meet those needs.

Keep reading...Show less

Lizzo has never been the one to shy away from being her authentic self whether anyone likes it or not. But at the end of the day, she is human. The “Juice” singer has faced a lot of pushback for her body positivity social media posts but in the same vein has been celebrated for it. Like her social media posts, her music is also often related to women’s empowerment and honoring the inner bad bitch.

Keep reading...Show less

I think we all know what it feels like to have our favorite sex toy fail us in one way or another, particularly the conundrum of having it die mid-use. But even then, there has never been a part of me that considered using random objects around my house. Instinctively, I was aware that stimulating my coochie with a makeshift dildo would not be the answer to my problem. But, instead, further exacerbate an already frustrating situation…making it…uncomfortable, to say the least.

Keep reading...Show less

Gabourey Sidibe is in the midst of wedding planning after her beau Brandon Frankel popped the question in 2020. The Empire actress made the exciting announcement on Instagram in November 2020 and now she is spilling the deets to Brides magazine about her upcoming wedding. "It cannot be a traditional wedding. Really, it can't be. I don't want anything done the 'traditional' way," she said. "Our relationship is very much on our terms and I want it to be fun, like a true party."

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Latest Posts