The One Thing Men Value More Than Looks
The proliferation of social feeds flooded with Instagram models boasting Instagram bodies has duped us into believing that our outward appearances are the single most determining factor in getting and keeping a man. I agree, to some extent, that physical appearances are important to the start of a new relationship. But there's another significant factor that often goes unnoticed when it comes to what attracts a man: a mental connection.
I'll begin by stating the obvious ways women may think will get a man's attention, you know what the music videos would have us believe. Advice from the unwise suggests superficial strategies like dressing provocatively, trying to make him jealous with another guy, posting sexy pics on social, or that maybe even getting a butt job to look like an IG model are all things men crave. However, there are actually other things like confidence, intellect, and an emotional connection that really turns men on and keeps them wanting more.
What Men Really Want
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A 2018 Bustle article asked men how they knew they felt an emotional connection and some of their responses were quite profound. Even though sex is an important part of any romantic relationship, don't think for a second that great sex, alone, will keep a man around. Men are visual creatures, this we know, but after they've fulfilled their physical desire, they're looking for something deeper that can sustain a long-term relationship. The best way you can offer something meaningful to your partner is to be your authentic self. That's something that can't be replicated.
"Having said all those things, the quality I love most about her is, she's honest and genuine. I think that comes across to people. They get a sense that they can trust her. You know, the word 'authenticity' is overused these days." - President Barack Obama, on his wife, Michelle
Believe it or not, men are emotional beings, although pop culture and rap lyrics will lead you to believe otherwise. Society standards and gender stereotypes contribute to the notion that all men want sex, which may be true, and that that's all they want, which is probably untrue. But let's face it, it's kind of hard to ignore the importance of sex in a relationship, especially when that's the message that is perpetuated throughout the media. Aside from that, it's not like society welcomes men to be vulnerable. If anything, they're in jeopardy of being shamed for showing their emotions, which is something we need to work toward turning the page on. I think it's important to understand that some men actually enjoy intimacy, a form of closeness that can be attained both physically and emotionally.
Physical Connection
Yes, we know men are turned on by the way a woman looks, dresses, or styles her hair. Otherwise, women might not make such an effort to look good for their men, as often as they do. However, something we often fail to talk about is men's desires for emotional connectedness. An emotional connection can enhance a physical connection in a relationship. How else can you explain a man having an amazing night of passion with a woman only to ghost her the next day? If a man isn't emotionally invested in her, then it can be quite easy. However, when a man connects with a woman on a deeper level, his attraction to her grows.
"You will spend more time with this person than anyone else for the rest of your life, and there is nothing more important than always wanting to hear what she has to say about things." — Barack Obama
I remember being in a relationship where I knew the guy had strong feelings for me when he stayed on the phone for half an hour, talking me through the process of removing a splinter from my hand. And while I valued his consideration of being there for something so small, it was the deeper conversations that strengthened our relationship and grew our bond.
Connecting on a Deeper Level
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I've done extensive research on this subject while working to obtain my Master's degree in Communication Studies. One important concept I learned was the act of self-disclosure. In his book, The Art of Positive Communication, Dr. Julien Mirivel notes a model of positive communication where he suggests two key components for strengthening relationships: 1) asking questions and 2) disclosing information. According to Mirivel, the way we communicate with people is indicative of how we feel about them. And some studies go so far as to say that there are specific questions you can ask someone to increase intimacy that lead to love and/or greater intimacy.
Disclosure deepens relationships
Communication scholars often refer to the analogy of peeling the layers of an onion to illustrate how social penetration, the process by which relationships progress from relatively shallow to more intimate, occurs. I prefer the analogy of an orange, whereas there is somewhat of a tough exterior on the outside, once removed, reveals a sweet, pleasant, and tender piece of fruit.
The sense of connection that we feel with people is not something we have, it's something we create. One way to create a deeper sense of connection is by asking questions.
Asking questions discovers the unknown
Think about it. The word question is rooted in the Latin term meaning "to seek" or "to look for," and that's what Mirivel's example points in his model. When we ask questions, we are in search of answers.
I read an article in Scientific Americanthat said people's favorite subject to talk about is themselves, although when it's done excessively while just getting to know someone may be a red flag. Asking questions gives people permission to talk about themselves without coming off as a narcissist. It also gives you insight into a potential dating partner and can give you clues on whether or not to pursue a relationship. Every one of us has a story to tell and when we ask questions, what we are really saying to our partner is that we want to know more about them. What's more attractive than that?
As it turns out, all men aren't as one-dimensional as most of them appear to be. When a man feels comfortable enough to let his guard down and share his emotions with a woman, it can increase attraction, helping to build a stronger connection and foundation for a relationship and who knows, maybe even falling in love.
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Also known as The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw for her relentless love of shoes and emotionally unavailable men, DeJa K. Johnson is unapologetic in her pursuits to find love, happiness, and orgasms. A graduate of UA Little Rock, DeJa earned a Master's degree in Applied Communication with an emphasis on Interpersonal & Romantic relationships. She is also the founder of TheBreakupSpace.com, a safe space for men and women who need help getting over the loss of a romantic relationship. To connect, you can find her on all social media @TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw or send her an email to love@TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
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