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The One Thing Men Value More Than Looks
The proliferation of social feeds flooded with Instagram models boasting Instagram bodies has duped us into believing that our outward appearances are the single most determining factor in getting and keeping a man. I agree, to some extent, that physical appearances are important to the start of a new relationship. But there's another significant factor that often goes unnoticed when it comes to what attracts a man: a mental connection.
I'll begin by stating the obvious ways women may think will get a man's attention, you know what the music videos would have us believe. Advice from the unwise suggests superficial strategies like dressing provocatively, trying to make him jealous with another guy, posting sexy pics on social, or that maybe even getting a butt job to look like an IG model are all things men crave. However, there are actually other things like confidence, intellect, and an emotional connection that really turns men on and keeps them wanting more.
What Men Really Want
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A 2018 Bustle article asked men how they knew they felt an emotional connection and some of their responses were quite profound. Even though sex is an important part of any romantic relationship, don't think for a second that great sex, alone, will keep a man around. Men are visual creatures, this we know, but after they've fulfilled their physical desire, they're looking for something deeper that can sustain a long-term relationship. The best way you can offer something meaningful to your partner is to be your authentic self. That's something that can't be replicated.
"Having said all those things, the quality I love most about her is, she's honest and genuine. I think that comes across to people. They get a sense that they can trust her. You know, the word 'authenticity' is overused these days." - President Barack Obama, on his wife, Michelle
Believe it or not, men are emotional beings, although pop culture and rap lyrics will lead you to believe otherwise. Society standards and gender stereotypes contribute to the notion that all men want sex, which may be true, and that that's all they want, which is probably untrue. But let's face it, it's kind of hard to ignore the importance of sex in a relationship, especially when that's the message that is perpetuated throughout the media. Aside from that, it's not like society welcomes men to be vulnerable. If anything, they're in jeopardy of being shamed for showing their emotions, which is something we need to work toward turning the page on. I think it's important to understand that some men actually enjoy intimacy, a form of closeness that can be attained both physically and emotionally.
Physical Connection
Yes, we know men are turned on by the way a woman looks, dresses, or styles her hair. Otherwise, women might not make such an effort to look good for their men, as often as they do. However, something we often fail to talk about is men's desires for emotional connectedness. An emotional connection can enhance a physical connection in a relationship. How else can you explain a man having an amazing night of passion with a woman only to ghost her the next day? If a man isn't emotionally invested in her, then it can be quite easy. However, when a man connects with a woman on a deeper level, his attraction to her grows.
"You will spend more time with this person than anyone else for the rest of your life, and there is nothing more important than always wanting to hear what she has to say about things." — Barack Obama
I remember being in a relationship where I knew the guy had strong feelings for me when he stayed on the phone for half an hour, talking me through the process of removing a splinter from my hand. And while I valued his consideration of being there for something so small, it was the deeper conversations that strengthened our relationship and grew our bond.
Connecting on a Deeper Level
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I've done extensive research on this subject while working to obtain my Master's degree in Communication Studies. One important concept I learned was the act of self-disclosure. In his book, The Art of Positive Communication, Dr. Julien Mirivel notes a model of positive communication where he suggests two key components for strengthening relationships: 1) asking questions and 2) disclosing information. According to Mirivel, the way we communicate with people is indicative of how we feel about them. And some studies go so far as to say that there are specific questions you can ask someone to increase intimacy that lead to love and/or greater intimacy.
Disclosure deepens relationships
Communication scholars often refer to the analogy of peeling the layers of an onion to illustrate how social penetration, the process by which relationships progress from relatively shallow to more intimate, occurs. I prefer the analogy of an orange, whereas there is somewhat of a tough exterior on the outside, once removed, reveals a sweet, pleasant, and tender piece of fruit.
The sense of connection that we feel with people is not something we have, it's something we create. One way to create a deeper sense of connection is by asking questions.
Asking questions discovers the unknown
Think about it. The word question is rooted in the Latin term meaning "to seek" or "to look for," and that's what Mirivel's example points in his model. When we ask questions, we are in search of answers.
I read an article in Scientific Americanthat said people's favorite subject to talk about is themselves, although when it's done excessively while just getting to know someone may be a red flag. Asking questions gives people permission to talk about themselves without coming off as a narcissist. It also gives you insight into a potential dating partner and can give you clues on whether or not to pursue a relationship. Every one of us has a story to tell and when we ask questions, what we are really saying to our partner is that we want to know more about them. What's more attractive than that?
As it turns out, all men aren't as one-dimensional as most of them appear to be. When a man feels comfortable enough to let his guard down and share his emotions with a woman, it can increase attraction, helping to build a stronger connection and foundation for a relationship and who knows, maybe even falling in love.
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Also known as The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw for her relentless love of shoes and emotionally unavailable men, DeJa K. Johnson is unapologetic in her pursuits to find love, happiness, and orgasms. A graduate of UA Little Rock, DeJa earned a Master's degree in Applied Communication with an emphasis on Interpersonal & Romantic relationships. She is also the founder of TheBreakupSpace.com, a safe space for men and women who need help getting over the loss of a romantic relationship. To connect, you can find her on all social media @TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw or send her an email to love@TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."