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What's The Difference Between Chemistry And Compatibility?

"Chemistry is showing affection; a connection is developing an attachment."— Debbie Pfisterer

Love & Relationships

"Chemistry is showing affection; a connection is developing an attachment."— Debbie Pfisterer

Aight. So, if you're someone who skims articles in order to get the overall gist, the quote that you just read pretty much sums up what I'm about to share. For the most part, if you want to know the difference between having chemistry with someone vs. knowing that there is a surefire connection, chemistry is what starts a bond while compatibility is what establishes it and keeps it going.

Well, if that basically explains everything, why do I feel it's necessary to go even deeper? Mostly it's because, it's been my experience and observation that, a lot of us have been so used to defining how deep and real our feelings are for someone by our initial attraction to them that we don't even recognize that we should scratch beneath the surface; that there is so much more that comes with being into someone than attraction, lust or even being sexually in sync.

Believe me, I'm sharing this thanks to hindsight wisdom. Hmph. I don't know about you, but back in the day, there were some men that I had some pretty amazing chemistry with who you couldn't pay me to stand behind them in a grocery store line, let alone entertain connecting with them now. I'd venture to say that I would've never slept with them at all if I had known the real difference between chemistry and compatibility at the time. But when you know better, you do better. And that is why, these days, I find chemistry to be the icing on a "relationship cake", but compatibility to be what matters most of all.

Chemistry Vs. Compatibility

Chemistry: the interaction of one personality with another; sympathetic understanding; rapport; any or all of the elements that make up something

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A while back, I penned a piece on here entitled "My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'". While my interaction with a few different men brought me to that particular a-ha moment, in the context of this piece, there's one guy, in particular, who immediately comes to mind. Have you ever known a man who you wish that you were into? He's a wonderful human being, he's totally into you and, to a certain degree, you like him. But still, something is…off. Something just doesn't seem to click. That's how I felt about a guy—I'll call him Robert.

Robert was one of the men in my life who would give me the world; I know that because he told me so. Many times over. But whenever people who knew how he felt about me would say that I was turning him down because "I didn't know what's good for me", my response would be, "I'd marry Robert tomorrow if I never had to sleep with him. Like, ever." It wasn't even that Robert isn't a handsome guy. It's just…he's not my type and there wasn't any chemistry. From the very first time that I met him, there were no sparks, my heart didn't jump and I didn't wonder what it would be like to kiss him, or anything else for that matter. He was cool, but I didn't feel any real rapport. And so, even though he had a crush for many years, all I have ever seen him as is a friend. No matter how much I tried, that never has and never will change. Why is that?

There's a Harvard study on lust, attraction and companionship that says, the reason why some of the people immediately get "friend zoned" by us is because, when there is an attraction to someone, the natural sex hormones estrogen and testosterone tend to kick in. Then, if we engage that individual, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin increases within us as well. All of this is a part of the reason why we see certain people and giggle, blush and/or fantasize. When that doesn't transpire, while an attachment can still happen, it's more like one that we would have with our family, not a significant other. Still, chemistry is about more than mere lust. It's also about being drawn to another individual as they are being drawn to you.

So, what are the indications that you actually do have strong chemistry with another person? Aside from physical attraction, chemistry is about how you and someone else interact with one another—you tend to banter well with each other; you have a lot of "You too?" moments; you share similar values; you also have similar senses of humor—all in all, you "get" each other in a way that you both feel and others can clearly sense.

If I were to bring in analogy, it's like, if I were to make some chocolate chip cookies, chemistry would be the mixing of all the right ingredients. In theory, thanks to chemistry, a great "love cookie" should come from it. But there are some things that compatibility offers that not enough chemistry in the world can provide—mainly maturity, responsibility, intent and time.

Compatibility: capable of existing or living together in harmony; able to exist together with something else; consistent; congruous

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Harmony. Existing together. Consistency. I was just watching a rerun of A Different World a couple of days ago. It was the episode where Whitley recently started seeing senatorial candidate Byron Douglas III, she wanted closure with Dwayne and so she called him over to her place. Then she ended up sleeping with him.

Even all these years later, there are debates about that Bermuda love triangle. While I'm personally glad that Dwayne and Whitley finally got their stuff together (because, for one thing, if you have to convince yourself to be with someone, like Whitley attempted to do with Byron, they are not the one), we've even had articles on the site where writers have voiced other perspectives (see "Dwayne & Whitley Were Never Relationship Goals"). Shoot, I even find it hilarious how one writer penned a piece, a decade ago, inquiring if Dwayne and Whitley are even legally married (because, if you recall, Dwayne crashed Whitley's wedding to Byron so, clearly they had no marriage license…hmm).

OK, but I'm getting a bit off track here. The reason why I'm even bringing them up is because, in the episode that I just referred to, after sex, Dwayne said (paraphrasing), "Come on, Whitley. We never had problems in the bedroom. It's the other rooms that we couldn't seem to handle." That—that right there? That is the difference between chemistry and compatibility.

Not knowing or accepting this fact is what tends to get a lot of us into trouble. We think that just because we've got chemistry with someone that it automatically means we're compatible with them. But the raw truth of the matter is that's simply not the case; not even close. If you are not co-existing in a state of harmony and—please don't underestimate—consistency, there can be all of the chemistry in the world but compatibility is severely lacking.

When you're compatible with someone, things are stable, healthy and balanced. You trust each other completely. You desire the same things in a relationship. Drama is at a minimum. Physical intimacy is not the sole driving force. You communicate and compromise well together. You enjoy being together, but you also know how to be apart. Loving one another is important but liking one another is pivotal too. You're headed in the same life direction. You both want a future with one another.

All in all, if chemistry is about the ingredients that go into a love cookie, compatibility would be like the stove that brings everything together. A stove heats things up to show what they are really made of. A stove takes time. A stove turns the ingredients of something into what we want the ingredients to ultimately become.

As I was reading another writer's take on chemistry vs. compatibility, I internally chuckled when he wrote, "Compatibility is a natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values between two people. A priest and a stripper have a major incompatibility and I doubt many end up dating each other. That's compatibility." In theory, he's right but the main bottom line is, before you decide to transition from chemistry to compatibility, you need to be honest with yourself and one another about if you can live in harmony with one another's lifestyle, values and principles. If you can, you are probably compatible. If you can't, don't stress yourself out by trying to turn chemistry into compatibility. Make sense?

Bottom line—chemistry is important. If it wasn't, I'd be in a sexless marriage with Robert right about now. But don't make life-altering decisions based on chemistry alone. See where compatibility fits in. If it's lacking, please don't settle. If you've got both, after some premarital counseling, send me a wedding invite because when you've got both, you've got something truly special. An entire love cookie, if you will. Beautiful. Awesome. Delicious.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

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Sometimes, when things are a little "off" when it comes to our health, there are simple steps that we can take to get ourselves back on track. For instance, did you know that around 92 percent of Americans are considered to be vitamin or mineral deficient in some way? And since there are core nutrients that all of us need in order to function properly, it's important that we're aware of what certain deficiencies are directly linked to.

Today, that is the focus. Here are eight health-related issues that, oftentimes, if we'd just add more of a vitamin or mineral into our system, we will start to feel better in no time (technically a couple of weeks but you get my drift).

1. Muscle Cramping

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Something that happens randomly to me sometimes is I'll have a muscle that cramps up, seemingly out of nowhere. Then I'll snack on a banana and start to feel better. You know why? It's because bananas are high in potassium and potassium is a nutrient that our system needs in order for our muscles to easily contract. If you sweat a lot or don't have enough fluids in your system, you can become a high candidate for being potassium deficient. As far as how much your body requires on a daily basis, it's somewhere between 3,000-4,000 mg a day. Foods that are a good source of this mineral (that is also an electrolyte) include mushrooms, zucchini, cucumbers, sweet potatoes and lentils.

2. Lip Cracking

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If your PMS is off the chain or you've been catching a lot of colds lately, it could be because you need some more Vitamin B6 in your life. However, a telling sign that this is almost definitely the case is if the corners of your lips are cracking or even if your tongue feels a bit swollen.

The main thing to keep in mind with this point is if you're noticing indications that you could stand to have more Vitamin B6, there's a pretty good chance that your system has gotten close to totally running out. And just how much does your body need of this vitamin on the daily? About 1.3 mg. Up it up to 1.5 mg if you're over the age of 50.

Foods that are loaded with Vitamin B6 are peanuts, poultry, oats, avocados and pistachios.

3. Brittle Nails

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If it seems like no matter how much pampering you do to your nails, they are brittle and breaking, that could be an indication that you are low in iron and/or Vitamin C. The reality is that just our periods alone can make us vulnerable to having lower iron levels. And just how much should you be getting into your system? A lot of healthcare professionals recommend somewhere around 14.8 mg each day. As far as the Vitamin C goes, not only can you have brittle nails when you're not getting enough of it, this is a nutrient that makes it easier for your body to absorb iron too. 75 mg per day of it is recommended (120 mg each day if you're pregnant or are breastfeeding). Foods that are high in iron include beef, dark leafy greens, quinoa, pumpkin seeds and broccoli. Foods that are a good source of Vitamin C include citrus fruits, peppers, potatoes, berries and Brussel sprouts.

4. Allergy Symptoms

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If you've got allergy symptoms that are driving you totally up the wall or you're someone who deals with asthma or eczema, these things can be so much worse for you if you are low in omega-3. Long story short, they're fatty acids that pretty much every part of our body needs from our skin and hair to our reproductive system and our heart. Matter of fact, I actually read once that if you tend to have an excessive amount of earwax, that can also be a heads up that omega-3 is lacking. As far as how much is good for you, 1.1 grams daily is enough. And as far as foods that have omega-3 in them, those would be walnuts, spinach, salmon, chia seeds and eggs.

5. Weakness

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Magnesium is both a mineral as well as an electrolyte that helps to regulate muscle and nerve functions and keep your blood sugar in balance. Well, when you don't have enough magnesium in you, it can cause you to experience extreme amounts of fatigue and weakness. A part of the reason why is because magnesium is what helps to keep your potassium levels where they should be. So, when your potassium levels are low, your muscles will not perform with as much strength as they should. Somewhere around 315 mg each day is what your system requires. Foods that are loaded with magnesium include whole grains, pumpkin seeds, halibut, bananas and dark chocolate.

6. Hair Loss

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One of the main things that all of us need in order for our hair to flourish is zinc. It's a mineral that assists with hair tissue growth and repair, fights dandruff and, it also helps your scalp to produce the sebum that it needs for your hair follicles to remain healthy. That's why it makes a lot of sense that if you're low in zinc, you could possibly suffer from some hair loss or, the very least, hair breakage. What can keep your tresses in good condition is if you consume around 8 mg of zinc daily. Foods that are high in it include Greek yogurt, cashews, black beans, sesame seeds and kale.

7. Sleepiness

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OK, if you're out here getting less than six hours a night on a consistent basis, that's probably not an indication that you are lacking a nutrient; what that probably means is you are sleep deprived.

However, if it seems like no matter how much sleep you get at night and/or naps you take during the day, you are still sleepy as all get out, what that could be telling you is that you are low in Vitamin B12. I can personally attest to this because I was sleepy a lot (and I get no less than six hours a night and sometimes a nap) until I started taking a B12 supplement. When you're low in this vitamin, it can trigger sleepiness or even sleeplessness because it plays a significant role in maintaining your energy levels.

It's kinda crazy that a lot of us are Vitamin B12 deficient when most of us only need .002 mg a day of it. Anyway, foods that are a good source of this nutrient include liver, fortified cereals, shellfish, nutritional yeast and milk alternatives (like almond or oat milk).

8. Food Cravings

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Last fall, I wrote an article about signs that you've got a sugar addiction going on (you can check it out here). One indication is if you're constantly wanting to eat sweets all of the time. Well, along these same lines, if you're experiencing food cravings, that too could mean that you've not some nutrient deficiencies happening. Sweets typically mean that you can stand to have more magnesium or tryptophan. Fatty foods mean you need more calcium. Red meat, caffeine or the desire to chew ice means you're low in iron. Salt is oftentimes connected to dehydration or an electrolyte imbalance.

Wanting to eat bread all of the time could also mean that you could use a tryptophan boost (because you are looking for something to make you feel better and bread is a comfort food. Tryptophan helps to produce the feel-good hormone serotonin so that you don't want bread as much). Foods that are high in tryptophan include tuna, cheese, turkey, milk and apples.

While I certainly wasn't able to tackle all of the nutrient deficient-related issues that exist, take this as a bit of an intro cheat sheet. Again, if you are currently experiencing any of these issues, try getting more vitamins and minerals into your system. You might be surprised just how big of an impact...a little bit of tweaking can make.

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