

Is Your Relationship Complicated? Simplify It With These Questions
There's a writer by the name of Fredrik Backman who once said something that, I think, is the perfect way to start all of this off— "Everything is complicated if no one explains it to you." Believe you me, if anyone has the T-shirt, bumper sticker and coffee mug for what it means to be in a complicated relationship with a man, it is I.
But as I sit and reflect on a semi-recent conversation that I had with a man who had once broken my heart into a million pieces—insert "Why You Should Be Grateful 'He' Didn't Choose You" here—after he reached out and I asked him, "What do you want?" (at this point?) and he had no answer (dude…really?!), I get that a part of why I had been hurt is because our relationship has always been complicated (difficult to analyze, understand, explain, etc.). The reason why that was the case is because I was more interested in being involved with him than focusing on what I should do to make my life—including my love life—simpler.
Back when I was all caught up in his and mine's hamster wheel, I didn't have enough sense—or even self-love, really—to look up articles like this one. But sometimes, life allows things to happen to us so that we are able to spare others the heartache, drama and wasted time.
Sis, if "complicated" (or some variation of that) is the best way to currently describe what you're in, love yourself enough to ask yourself the following six questions. Trust me, once you have the right answers in tow, you'll realize that things aren't nearly as complicated as you thought. You just have to decide if you want more/better or…not. It really is just that simple.
Did Things Start Off Complicated to Begin With?
You know what they say—how relationships start can oftentimes provide a forecast for how they will remain. When it comes to what makes a relationship complicated, I'd say that some of the dynamics that top the list include friends with benefits, dating an ex, messing around with someone who's already in a relationship, getting involved in a long-distance relationship and seeing someone without having a clue about what you want (or don't want) from them or the relationship as a whole.
If you and "yours" happen to fit the bill as it relates to any of these dynamics, the first thing that you should do is sit down and have a chat about if how you started is how you want things to stay. If it's not, it's time to A) take things to the next level; B) take a step back and reevaluate or C) end things altogether. Something that all of these choices have in common is they simplify matters. Significantly so.
Are You Getting All That You Truly Want in a Relationship?
I haven't been on Facebook in years, so y'all would have to tell me if you can still state whether your relationship is complicated or not. What I do know is back when I was on social media and people would inbox me about their complex situations, more times than not, what was "difficult to analyze" is if they were truly getting what they wanted out of their situation or not. And, if they were willing to wait it out to see if things would change…or not.
If this is what has you stumped, a while back, I wrote an article on here entitled "Are You in Love or Are You in Need?" One way to tell the difference between the two is if you are remaining in something that isn't truly fulfilling you, just so you don't have to be alone (or without "him" on some level). Trust me, when you are staying with someone who isn't giving you what you desire, that is a form of self-betrayal. To keep ignoring this reality is complicating your life, to say the least.
If You Aren’t, Are You Compromising or Settling?
A female writer by the name of Elizabeth Kostova once said something that definitely garners an "ouch" response—"Recently abandoned women can be complicated." I don't know about you, but I know there have been times when the pain of a break-up was so excruciating that I would get involved in "something" with someone else, just so it could serve as a distraction. Usually, that something was a form of settling. And, since I knew I was settling, the relationship was complicated. Settling is always complicated.
How can you know the difference between compromising in order to make a relationship work and settling just so you don't have to be alone? Compromising usually involves being with someone who isn't perfect but, in many ways, is perfect for you. They add to your life, you add to theirs and you both work together to make it work. Settling is when you know, out the gate, that you're not getting all of what you need or want; still, you're putting up with "it" anyway because you've somehow convinced yourself that something is better than nothing. (See the drastic difference?)
Although Titles Aren’t Mandatory, Why Don’t YOU Have One?
I once read that couples who are into PDA aren't really doing it because they don't know how to keep their hands off of each other. It's actually because they want to show off; they want to prove to others that they have someone or that someone finds them attractive and appealing. Well, when a person pressures their partner to put a "title" on their relationship—especially once they are over 35 or so—sometimes I wonder if there are some deep-rooted insecurities going on there too. If both folks are clear about what's going on, is a title really all that necessary?
There is one exception to this. It's if what you're in is so confusing that you need a title for clarity's sake. If when you present this very point to the guy that you're seeing and he finds every way underneath the sun to deflect from the issue at hand. If that's what's going on, there's a big possibility that he doesn't want a title because he doesn't want the accountability that comes along with it. And if you choose to stay involved with someone who doesn't want to be held responsible for much, sis, "complex" is just the tip of the iceberg of the problems you've got in store.
When Friends Ask What Y’all Are Doing, Can You Easily Explain It?
A telling sign that a relationship is super complex is when the two people in it can't explain what the heck is going on in two sentences or less and/or there's a whole lot of awkward silence, followed by "I mean…", "It's kinda like", followed by sighs and other sounds of frustration.
When two individuals are on the same page about what they are doing and why, there is no confusion. Therefore, when one of their friends asks what's up, the answers are simply "We're dating", "That's my boyfriend", "We're taking it slow while we're figuring some things out" or even "That's my 'blue light special'" (my love uncle says that's someone who creeps in after dark and slips out before dawn). If you're not able to give a basic reply or you find yourself low-key poppin' off on your friend who's asking because you're basically embarrassed that you have no idea what's going on, it's time to ask your own self what you and he are doing. Then follow that question up with if that's good enough or not.
Is It Complicated? Or Are You Simply in Denial?
As I already shared, the last man to break my heart, in many ways, we were the walking definition of complicated. In fact, it wasn't uncommon for him to refer to me as "a complicated bird". Anyway, we had a recent chat, just to get everything out and see if there was anything worth salvaging, even on the platonic tip. Now that the rose-colored glasses are gone, as I was listening to him, I realized that our relationship wasn't complicated; I just didn't want to see everything for what it was. As relationship coach Derrick Jaxn recently said—and by "said", I mean warned— about men who tell us that we are too good for them even though they don't really want to let us go, "We confuse the presence of a conscience with the presence of a good person." (LISTEN.)
If you like a guy but all that he's giving you is sex, is the relationship complicated or do you simply not want to admit that you're not going to get much more out of him?
If you are seeing someone who told you that he loves you and he's not interested in anything serious, is the relationship complicated or are you simply refusing to take him at his word?
If you've been with someone for a couple of years now and nothing is progressing, are things complicated or do you simply not want to accept that things are stagnant because he has no long-term plans for you?
I know what it's like to think that something simple is complicated simply because I'm in denial. But you know what? The moment I started accepting the facts, truths and realities of what I was doing and what wasn't doing, the grey clouds in my head cleared up and life got oh-so-much simpler. Brighter too.
Ask yourself, point blank—is your relationship (or situationship) really all that "complicated"? Or are you not wanting to deal with your own facts, truths and realities? The answer to that will change everything for you. It will make things simpler too. I guarantee it.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
There are moments on our health journey when our bodies are bugging us to hit the reset button.
With life, we can start to see slips in our diet, irregular exercising, and inconsistent sleep schedules, and our mental health can suffer because of it. But what many people come to find is that with just a few adjustments — as opposed to restrictions — being made to their food intake, we can see a focus more on eating “the right” calories and less on being on a restrictive diet.
"Raw Till 4" is a dietary concept and lifestyle associated with the raw vegan and high-carb, low-fat vegan (HCLF) movements. Created by Australian blogger and YouTube star known as 'Freelee the Banana Girl', the method suggests eating raw, uncooked plant-based foods until 4 p.m. each day and then having a cooked, vegan meal in the evening.
The Raw Till 4 lifestyle follows the guidelines of vegan and rawist eating and involves consuming fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, and sprouted grains in an uncooked, natural state until the designated time of 4 p.m. or around one’s typical dinner time. After 4 p.m., a cooked vegan meal is consumed, which may include foods like steamed vegetables, grains, legumes, and plant-based sources of protein like tofu or tempeh.
On TikTok, creator Adina Yaffa is repopularizing the trend, sharing how it’s helped to improve digestion, boost energy levels, and support weight loss.
@adinayaffa Replying to @🌜kat🌛 here is what I eat in a day on a raw till 4 lifestyle. I eat with the sun and according to the circadian rhythm that out bodies follow on a typical day. Where i drink liquids during the first 8 hours, then juicy fruits, then smoothies, more dense building fats, proteins and veggies! #snatchedwaist #bellyfat #bellybloat #smallwaist #hourglass #rawtill4
“During the hours of 4 a.m. and 8 a.m., your body is in an elimination phase and needs all the help it can get,” Yaffa says in the clip. “So what you’re going to do is drink coconut water, citrus juices, and green juices during this time, and around 8 a.m., you can break your fast with some fruit. I suggest juicing fruits, and then after that, I suggest having a smoothie or a bowl with berries and granola so you can get your fats and healthy proteins in.”
@adinayaffa Raw till 4 has so many benefits including better digestion, nutrients, belly fat and bloat elimination, snatched waist, more energy and so much more! #snatchedwaist #bellyfat #bellybloat #smallwaist #hourglass
On the official Raw Till 4 website, Freelee the Banana Girl shares tips on how to get the best outcomes of this lifestyle change, which include:
- “Stay hydrated! You should pee about 8-12 times per day, and your urine should be clear. Drink 1 liter of water when you wake up in the morning, and 1 liter of water about 30 minutes before each meal for optimal results.”
- “Fragmented sodium (salt) should be kept to a minimum. Use herbs, lemon juice, etc. wherever possible in place of salt.”
- “Eat unlimited calories at every meal, no restriction. The majority of your calories each day should come from fruit. Don’t under-eat on fruit during the day or 'save up' your calories for dinner time. RT4 is about abundance at every meal.”
- “Move your body daily. Find an activity you love and make it your playful exercise.”
- “Make sure to get lots of rest, relaxation, and good sleep. Learning to incorporate good rest, early nights, and regular sleeping patterns into your life will greatly improve your overall health.”
- “Practice gratitude and peaceful emotions at mealtime, and get a vision book started! Be sure to enjoy this journey. Focus on long-term health instead of short-term results.”
Critics argue that it can be challenging to get all the necessary nutrients from a raw vegan diet and that it may not be suitable for everyone, especially over the long term.
As with any diet, it's important to consult with a healthcare professional or registered dietitian before making significant dietary changes to ensure that it meets your individual nutritional needs and health goals.
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