Disclaimer: Here's the heads up on what I'm about to share. It'll be really easy to read what this woman allowed a man to send her through and call her "crazy", "desperate" or "stupid" but, before you do that, try and reflect on if there's any relationship you've ever been in where you were needy for a man. Personally, while things may have never gotten quite this extreme, I know there have been times when I put myself through more than I ever should have in the name of (so-called) love.
I'd say for the past 6-7 years or so, about twice a year, I'll hear from a woman who claims that she's still in love with one particular man. A man who won't commit (or even really claim her in public). A man who brings her in but won't take her out (that's my way of saying he sexes her but doesn't date her). A man who's told her that he doesn't feel the same way she does, not by a long shot. Yet, she still claims that she completely adores this guy—a guy I don't know (because I don't use "know" loosely), but a guy I certainly know of.
He's not a bad person. He's really not.
Anyway, she's sooooooo into him that she even told me that one time, after she came to his house unannounced (for the umpteenth time), he let her in, had sex with her, and then put her out. I mean, literally picked her up and put her out. Even after that, she still claims to love him.
Yeah. I already know that some of y'all read that and immediately got H-O-T. But who are you the most upset with—him or her? If it's him, what are you mad about? That he made the decision to get some before he humiliated her? If it's her, is it because she 1) disrespected his space by not calling first; 2) had sex with him even though he had already told her what the deal was, or 3) she allowed her "devotion" to him to get her to the point of getting put out yet she still professes her love for dude?
No matter what side of the fence you're standing on, I promise you I get it. When we're not emotionally involved in a relationship or situationship, it's easy to see the crazy for what it is. But I remember discovering that a guy I dated rotated me and six other girls in the same picture frame and my still deciding to date him. I remember finding out that my first love had me and another girl pregnant at the same time and still calling him my boyfriend. I remember going above and beyond for a guy, running into him and his girlfriend (even though he told me he didn't have a girlfriend) and not immediately cutting things off. I also remember thinking that my sticking around was an act of love when really, just like ole' girl, it was nothing more than unadulterated neediness.
Needy. It's such a dysfunctional word.
Whenever I think of it, one of the definitions that immediately comes to mind is impoverished. An impoverished person is someone who is deprived of strength. So, you know what that means, right? You can't really be needy if you're a strong and courageous individual—if you're someone who is mentally, emotionally, and spiritually empowered and powerful. (Now bookmark that for a moment while I make another point.)
Even if you can't relate to the instances of neediness that I just shared, here are some other examples of what being needy in a relationship looks and lives like:
- People who move too fast in relationships are typically needy.
- People who are clingy in relationships are typically needy.
- People who are jealous and overbearing are typically needy.
- People whose lives totally revolve around another individual are typically needy.
- People who diminish their value unless they are with someone are typically needy.
Now here's where it all comes together. How is it that so many of us—men and women—can find ourselves being needy and calling it love? I think the answer lies in a definition of power:
Power: ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something
Back when I was being a needy chick, it was due to so many things—my dysfunctional upbringing, abandonment issues; being a words of affirmation person while hearing relatives and racist educators say some pretty damaging things; being in so-called friendships that lacked reciprocity; doing most of the work in most of my romantic relationships and growing up in a church that taught very little about self-love (love your neighbor AS YOURSELF, y'all—Mark 12:30-31).
Lord have mercy. I can look back now and see that because I lacked the ability to love myself I was constantly looking for someone else to do it. And since I wanted a man in my life and I lacked self-love simultaneously, that want turned into a need. And the longer I went without loving myself, that need turned into bonafide neediness.
'Cause here's the thing. When you don't have a healthy and clear understanding of what love is, you'll let some of the most toxic imitations of love define it for you.
You find yourself thinking that tolerating abuse—neglect is a form of abuse, by the way—is being loyal. That sharing a man is being patient. That not requiring what you want is being low maintenance. That sacrificing yourself in order to keep "him" around is nothing more than a normal act of compromise. You find yourself believing that having something is better than having nothing when sometimes that "something" is, ironically, less than nothing. All of this will have you out here doing the absolute most, all the while believing that it's love when it is nothing of the sort.
It wasn't until I developed the ability to see me, to honor me, to LOVE ME that I was able to tell the difference between loving a man and being needy for one. And what's the main difference? I don't NEED a man.
Now, I'm not meaning this in the extreme sense. God made men (and men are not designed to think or act like us; otherwise, they'd be women…but that's another message for another time). All of God's creations serve a divine purpose. For that reason alone, I need men in my life. What I'm saying is I am not gonna die if I'm not in a relationship with or even dating someone. I will die if I go without food and water for too long. Those are needs.
At this stage in my life, having a man in it is literally like the icing on the cake. It will add something very sweet and special to it—but the cake is pretty delicious all on its own.
Now that I have developed the ability to love myself—to apply the Love Chapter (I Corinthians 13) to how I treat even me—the power that I thought I could only get via another person, I now hold. I am strong and courageous (which basically means not afraid) enough to be alone. Why? Because I don't need someone to love me. I LOVE ME. Everyone else is a bonus.
For me, that's the true difference between loving a man and being needy for one. When you love yourself, you've got the Miki Howard effect. What I mean by that is, back in the day, she released a song entitled, "Come Share My Love". When you love a man, he's coming into an abundance of love you've already got. When you're needy for one, you want him to give you something that you don't even have.
The woman I mentioned earlier? She's not crazy. She simply doesn't love herself. Enough. Yet. Once she's capable of loving herself, she won't be looking for that dude (or any man) to do it. She'll realize that no truer words have been spoken than when writer Maureen Dowd once said:
"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
Love is healthy. It's godly. It's empowering. It's honorable. It causes you to thrive—mind, body, and spirit. Continually so. If you can't apply these words to the situation you've got going on with a man—be careful. What you're thinking is love may be disguising itself as nothing more than mere neediness.
The good news is…now you know the difference.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
Ask Ayana Iman: I'm Stuck In A Codependent Relationship - Read More
How To Love Without Being Clingy - Read More
You Can't Sex It Away: A D*ck Appointment Is Not An Antidepressant - Read More
- The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving Somebody ›
- Five Ways to Overcome Feelings of Neediness | Psychology Today ›
- The Difference Between Being Needy In A Relationship and Having ... ›
- What is the difference between vulnerability and neediness? - Quora ›
- Are You in Love Or in Need? ›
- On The Difference Between Being Needy, And Owning Your Desire ... ›
- Being Needy in a Relationship | 5 Signs to Look Out For ›
- How To Be Vulnerable Without Being Needy- 7+ Love Experts ... ›
- The Difference Between Being Needy And Asking For What You ... ›
- The Difference Between Need and Being Needy – Vanessa Smith ... ›
RELATED
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
Now, while it’s another message for another time that if this type of sex-related craving feels impulsive or out of one’s control, it could be a sign of someone who is leaning into some level of sex addiction; however, that is not what we’re going to unpack today. Today, we’re going to look into what could be going on with you if it seems like, lately, you’ve been having a greater desire for sex, and you can’t quite pinpoint why.
Because, just like, say, a craving for a particular type of food oftentimes reveals something that is going on with you physically or mentally — sex cravings tend to bring certain things to light in those same areas, too.
Let’s dig in…
Hormonal Shifts
GiphyAlthough I don’t have social media accounts, I do tiptoe out there to see what’s going on — and boy, do I roll my eyes whenever I hear folks act like being over 40 is old. SMDH. It’s especially annoying when I hear about it in the context of sex because, believe it or not, there are a lot of late perimenopausal and menopausal women who are “gettin’ theirs” more than some of these 20 and 30-year-olds are (just ask them).
One reason is that the fear of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, for many, is now in their rearview mirror. Another is because some are taking a form of hormone therapy to treat the changes that their system is going through — and when you’re getting more estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone into your body (in order to level things out) — HUNNAY.
For other women, even consuming phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) like peaches, garlic, berries, spinach, and cabbage can make them want sex more than when those aren’t a part of their diet. Bottom line here, a shift in your sexual hormones can definitely cause you to desire sex more than you have before (or have in a while).
Ovulation
GiphyBack when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit, something that I used to tell “my daughters” all of the time is when you know that you’re ovulating, that’s when you need to be hypervigilant about using wisdom when it comes to the sex-related decisions that you make. I’m thinking that most of you get why: your body was designed to feel its horniest when you’re able to get pregnant — and that is during your time of ovulation.
That’s why it really is a good idea to keep up with your cycle and, if a baby is not something that is on your priority list right now, you either avoid having sex during that time of the month or make sure to use some form of birth control. Chile, even women with low libidos can find themselves wanting to hang off of a chandelier or two when they are ovulating. It’s nature’s way.
A Healthy Diet
GiphyIf you happen to be someone with a sluggish sex drive and you know that you spend most of your time in a drive-thru, there is probably a direct correlation there. No joke. There is plenty of research out in cyberspace to support the fact that a wack diet and low sex drive have a lot in common. While processed foods and unhealthy fats can throw your (sex) hormones off, foods that are filled with zinc, vitamins B12 and D, and iron can ramp up your desire for intimacy.
This is why many people who decide to make a lifestyle change as far as their eating habits are concerned are oftentimes surprised by how much sex is on their minds and how much easier it is for them to orgasm because of it. While a part of it can be due to a boost in their sexual confidence, a lot of it has to do with consuming foods that will literally feed their libido (in a healthy way).
More Exercise
GiphyPlainly put, exercise makes you hornier. Not only does it boost your testosterone levels, (consistently) working out also lowers your stress levels and gives you a boost in the self-esteem department. On top of that, exercise makes you more flexible, builds up endurance, and increases blood circulation which can turn around and intensify your climaxes as a direct result. In fact, this is oftentimes why people will want to have sex right after a workout session.
While we’re here, let me also share that too much of a good thing can end up being counterproductive. What I mean by that is, that although it is wise to exercise on a regular basis, make sure to not overdo it. Something known as overtraining syndrome can result in fatigue, insomnia, and irritability; no one can really have amazing sex when all of that is going on.
Being a Certain Age
GiphyWhile it used to be said that the sexual peak for men is in their teens and for women, it’s in their 30s (some believe it’s because after 35, it’s more challenging for women to get pregnant and so our biological clock plays a role in it all), some research believes that coming to that conclusion isn’t fair because aging affects people differently. For instance, while on one hand, people in their 40s tend to see a dip in their sex hormones, as we’ve already discussed, hormone therapy (for both men and women) can level some of those issues out, if not increase some people’s sex drives altogether.
Adding to that, it should also go on record that some studies indicate that women between the ages of 27-45 actually have a stronger desire — or craving — for sex than women between the ages of 18-26. So honestly, there goes the myth that being younger (automatically) means that you’re hornier. #Elmoshrug
Certain Medications
GiphyIf you used to have a higher sex drive and you’re currently on an antidepressant, that could be why your desire for copulation has decreased. Some studies say that as much as 40 percent of people who are on these types of medication end up having a lower libido (by the way, antihistamines and beta-blockers can have this effect, too).
On the other hand, if you’ve been taking a prescribed drug to increase your sex drive (perhaps like Vyleesi or Addyi), then it would make sense that you may have an increased libido level. Other meds that may have a similar effect include birth control pills (since they alter your hormones), medications that help to treat Parkinson’s disease, along with dopamine-related drugs.
Less Stress
GiphyIf, on the days when you don’t seem to have a care in the world, you also desire sex more than usual, that’s not a coincidence either. Thing is, when you’re all stressed out, that can cause the stress hormone known as cortisol to work overtime and, when that happens, that can end up suppressing your sex hormones which can deplete you of sexual urges. Ironically, there is a flip side to this because when you engage in sexual activity, that actually elevates feel-good (and bonding) hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which can also de-stress you.
So basically, if you’re craving sex, you probably aren’t very stressed out (right now), and if you want to stop being stressed out, you probably should have some sex (some protected sex, if you don’t want to be stressed later up the road…if you know what I mean).
Having an Amazing Sex Life
GiphyTo me, this one right here should be a given because when something is both good to and for you, why wouldn’t you want more of it? So yeah, if you have a great sex life with someone, it’s common sense that you’d want to engage in that act with them as much as possible. Hey, not to mention the fact that orgasms activate your brain in a way similar to a drug high does.
So, if while reading this, you’re thinking about sexting your bae to make arrangements to — eh hem — satisfy your craving, I say go for it! To “greatly want” to connect with your partner in order to have some fulfilling and satisfying sex? What in the world could possibly be wrong with that?! Not a damn thing.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy