Ask Ayana Iman: I'm Stuck In A Codependent Relationship
Ask Ayana Iman is a bi-monthly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, certified life coach Ayana Iman drops some much-needed gems. Check out this newest segment below.
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Dear Ayana Iman: I have been in a relationship for the past three years. During this time, my partner struggled with drug abuse after his father's death. He also struggled with remaining faithful and has cheated. Out of anger, I have done so as well. Recently, we got into an argument over his abusive nature (drugs, alcohol, emotional and mental abuse) and I came clean about my cheating too. I'm so drained to the point I am numb.
I feel like I'm stuck in freeze. I want to take flight but I feel like my wings are clipped (financially, emotionally, no motivation). I want to fight but I can't because I don't have the energy or will. He wants to work it out and seek help with the drug abuse and I don't know what to do. He says since his dad passed I am his only reason to live and he needs me. We have known each other all of our lives. Financially, I am unable to leave and I do not have any friends to stay with. Please help.
This relationship is toxic. From what you've shared, you are displaying characteristics of codependency. While your boyfriend made the decision to abuse drugs and alcohol that impairs his decision-making, you chose to become the caregiver, impairing your own. I understand his father's death had a traumatic effect on your boyfriend's life and yours too. But, this form of abuse should not be tolerated any further.
The Mental Health America shared the following:
"The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When codependents place other people's health, welfare, and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self."
They then go on to explain what happens as a result of codependency:
"The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the 'benefactor.' As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from 'being needed.' When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it."
I won't even bother to ask how many attempts you've made to rescue him. His problems are far bigger than your abilities to fix them. He needs professional help, period.
While you have displayed a great deal of empathy, without boundaries, his emotions tend to overpower you, creating imbalance and tension. His emptiness has now become your own. Going off your words, "I feel like my wings are clipped (financially emotionally, no motivation)," has led you to believe in scarcity like you aren't capable of making a change.
Sis, I need you to know that there is hope. Find the strength to get up and fight to get your life back. You can no longer carry his burdens. I know it's tough, but you have to break up in order to reclaim your glory. There is favor upon your life. Do you believe that? I hope you'll at least try to imagine the woman you hope to become. Once you identify her, hold on tight; she is exactly what you need to carry you through this difficult transition.
The first step is admitting your unhappiness. Next, seek help from a trained professional. Before you say you can't afford it, state insurance covers mental health, apply today. This is something you have to do alone. The goal here is not to get back together. The codependent nature of your relationship will harm any progress made. Once you help yourself, the how will work itself out. How will I afford to live on my own? How will I move forward? And so on.
This process could start today if you allow it to. I really hope you do.
Do you have a question about love, life, career, wellness, etc. that you'd like for life coach Ayana to answer in a future Ask Ayana Iman segment? Submit your questions here for a chance to have your question answered! Click here for past Ask Ayana Iman posts to see if your question has already been answered or to read past stories/advice!
- How to Heal Codependency in Your Relationship - Blossom ›
- Are You Stuck In A Codependent Relationship? — Always Well Within ›
- How I Escaped The Prison Of My Codependent Marriage | HuffPost ... ›
- Do You Feel Trapped in an Unhappy Relationship? | Psychology ... ›
- Are You Stuck in the Codependency Maze? - Live Well with Sharon ... ›
- Are You Trapped in an Unhappy Relationship? ›
- Problems of Codependents ›
- Ending Codependency in Relationships: Find And Live Who You ... ›
- Are You Stuck in a Codependent Relationship? | Codependency ... ›
- I'm stuck in a codependent relationship | Salon.com ›
Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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We all love that Beyoncé's recent foray into country music has turned the world's attention back to the impact of Black legends and icons who were foremothers of the genre. All of the buzz around the superstar's take on country music (along with the fab TikToks of Black women getting their country glam on to prep for a possible country music tour), brings to the forefront stories of the amazing impact of women like Sister Rosetta Thorpe, Elizabeth Cotton, and Linda Martell. These women laid the groundwork for folk, country, and rock music way before any of us reached our mother's wombs.
I've loved country music since childhood and would rock, sway, and sing along to songs by The Neville Brothers, Patsy Cline, and Elvis. (Yep, I loved me some Elvis, honey. It was an admiration I inherited from my mom.). Back in the day, my friends and I would all enjoy the country music songs played at a popular hangout spot, the local skating rink. The DJ would go from 69 Boys, Brandy, and Usher to Billy Ray Cyrus ("Achy Breaky Heart), Dolly Parton ("9-to-5" and "I Will Always Love You,") and Shania Twain ("Man! I Feel Like A Woman.") Country music has always been part of my life's soundtrack.
Since it's Women's History Month, what a perfect time to highlight some of the other Black women who have been standing it the gap for years, doing this country music thing, and doing it well. Here are a few to add to your playlists this month and beyond.
The Boykin Sisters AKA The BoykinZ
Sisters Nylan, Nytere, Anale, and Alona took the country music world by storm on TikTok, drawing more than 480,000 followers and 10 million likes for their soulful country music swag. They've performed with Shania Twain on the Country Music Awards, appeared on The Kelly Clarkson Show, and have recorded with legendary country music producer Nathan Chapman. Each brings their own unique flavor to the group, from style to music abilities.
Rissi Palmer
She released her self-titled debut album with hit singles, “Country Girl,” “Hold On To Me,” and “No Air,” and has since performed at The White House, New York's Lincoln Center, and the Grand Ole Opry. She’s also shared stages with country and pop music heavy-hitters including The Eagles, Charley Crockett, and Taylor Swift. Taking things to the advocacy level, she launched her own radio show Color Me Country with Rissi Palmer on Apple Music Country and created the Color Me Country Artist Grant Fund to support newbie country artists of color to reach their entertainment industry dreams.
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Yola
A U.K.-bred country music artist, this singer and actress was nominated for multiple Grammys for her 2019 debut album, Walk Through Fire, including Best Americana Album. Her 2021 album, Stand For Myself, mixes country and soul with intriguing and relatable visuals. She also magnificently starred as Rosetta Thorpe in the 2023 Elvis biopic, a film whose soundtrack was an American Music Award winner.
Mickey Guyton
A modern-day pioneer in her own right, Mickey Guyton was the first Black woman to be nominated in the Best Country Solo Performance category at the Grammy Awards in 2021, and, that same year, she became the first Black woman to co-host the Academy of Country Music Awards. Her song, “Black Like Me,” released in the wake of the George Floyd protests and the Black Lives Matter movement, added more to her legacy of being a leader and advocate in country music.
Brittney Spencer
This newbie artist in the game has given us strong previews of her talent, releasing two EPs and receiving Country Music Awards and Country Music Television award nominations. Elektra signed her to a deal in 2022, and this year, she released her debut album, My Stupid Life, which has been described by one Rolling Stone reviewer as “one of the most convincing country statements in a while.”
Reyna Roberts
The self-proclaimed "Princess of Outlaw Country," is serving soul, sass, and style with her music, with a debut album titled, Bad Girl Bible, Volume 1, sparking intrigue and fan support. Her more than 300,000 followers on IG rally behind her, as she campaigns for big-ticket performances that we are sure, will be in her future.
Chapel Heart
Sisters Danica and Devynn Hart have joined musical forces with cousin Trea Swindle as a country music trio, and found early viral success performing on “America’s Got Talent.” In 2021 the group was inducted into Country Music Television’s “Next Women of Country,” and they’ve been honored as “International Group of the Year” as well as “International Song of the Year” for the single “You Can Have Him Jolene” in Scotland. They have been nominated for several British CMAs including “Group of the Year” and “Album of the Year” for their second album release The Girls Are Back In Town.
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Featured image by Emma McIntyre / Staff/Getty Images