Ask Ayana Iman: I'm Stuck In A Codependent Relationship
Ask Ayana Iman is a bi-monthly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, certified life coach Ayana Iman drops some much-needed gems. Check out this newest segment below.
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Dear Ayana Iman: I have been in a relationship for the past three years. During this time, my partner struggled with drug abuse after his father's death. He also struggled with remaining faithful and has cheated. Out of anger, I have done so as well. Recently, we got into an argument over his abusive nature (drugs, alcohol, emotional and mental abuse) and I came clean about my cheating too. I'm so drained to the point I am numb.
I feel like I'm stuck in freeze. I want to take flight but I feel like my wings are clipped (financially, emotionally, no motivation). I want to fight but I can't because I don't have the energy or will. He wants to work it out and seek help with the drug abuse and I don't know what to do. He says since his dad passed I am his only reason to live and he needs me. We have known each other all of our lives. Financially, I am unable to leave and I do not have any friends to stay with. Please help.
This relationship is toxic. From what you've shared, you are displaying characteristics of codependency. While your boyfriend made the decision to abuse drugs and alcohol that impairs his decision-making, you chose to become the caregiver, impairing your own. I understand his father's death had a traumatic effect on your boyfriend's life and yours too. But, this form of abuse should not be tolerated any further.
The Mental Health America shared the following:
"The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When codependents place other people's health, welfare, and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self."
They then go on to explain what happens as a result of codependency:
"The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the 'benefactor.' As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from 'being needed.' When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it."
I won't even bother to ask how many attempts you've made to rescue him. His problems are far bigger than your abilities to fix them. He needs professional help, period.
While you have displayed a great deal of empathy, without boundaries, his emotions tend to overpower you, creating imbalance and tension. His emptiness has now become your own. Going off your words, "I feel like my wings are clipped (financially emotionally, no motivation)," has led you to believe in scarcity like you aren't capable of making a change.
Sis, I need you to know that there is hope. Find the strength to get up and fight to get your life back. You can no longer carry his burdens. I know it's tough, but you have to break up in order to reclaim your glory. There is favor upon your life. Do you believe that? I hope you'll at least try to imagine the woman you hope to become. Once you identify her, hold on tight; she is exactly what you need to carry you through this difficult transition.
The first step is admitting your unhappiness. Next, seek help from a trained professional. Before you say you can't afford it, state insurance covers mental health, apply today. This is something you have to do alone. The goal here is not to get back together. The codependent nature of your relationship will harm any progress made. Once you help yourself, the how will work itself out. How will I afford to live on my own? How will I move forward? And so on.
This process could start today if you allow it to. I really hope you do.
Do you have a question about love, life, career, wellness, etc. that you'd like for life coach Ayana to answer in a future Ask Ayana Iman segment? Submit your questions here for a chance to have your question answered! Click here for past Ask Ayana Iman posts to see if your question has already been answered or to read past stories/advice!
- How to Heal Codependency in Your Relationship - Blossom ›
- Are You Stuck In A Codependent Relationship? — Always Well Within ›
- How I Escaped The Prison Of My Codependent Marriage | HuffPost ... ›
- Do You Feel Trapped in an Unhappy Relationship? | Psychology ... ›
- Are You Stuck in the Codependency Maze? - Live Well with Sharon ... ›
- Are You Trapped in an Unhappy Relationship? ›
- Problems of Codependents ›
- Ending Codependency in Relationships: Find And Live Who You ... ›
- Are You Stuck in a Codependent Relationship? | Codependency ... ›
- I'm stuck in a codependent relationship | Salon.com ›
Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage