The holidays are upon us, and you're trying to decide if it's the right time for your boyfriend to meet the family (also commonly referred to as “Bae," “boo," “My man," or another term of millennial endearment). I have a few tips to help you figure out the best way to think about this and determine whether or not it's a good idea.
As with any type of relationship advice, of course, not everything works for everyone, and sometimes there are exceptions to the rule, but in most cases, these are the top four things you should consider before bringing Bae around for the holidays.
How long have you been together?
All of us have different perspectives when it comes to the aspect of time, and quite honestly, the time factor will vary based on each person's preference. However, in my opinion, I think if it's only been a few weeks or so, then it's definitely too early. Why? Sure, it's great to have your boyfriend around to meet those closest to you as soon as possible so you can hear what they think and see how everyone gels, but remember the sooner they meet your family, the sooner they could grow attached. So, what if you two break up shortly thereafter? Then, you'll find yourself back at square one when the next holiday rolls around, and we know how uncomfortable it can be when you have to break up with the person AND the family.
Besides, you don't want to be that girl (or guy because guys do it, too) that comes off as overly zealous, or as if you're trying to rush things when it's only been a short time. Despite how eager you may be, take some time to see if they're a good fit for you before you bring them around to see if they'll fit in with the family.
How deep is the love?
More important than time, is the status of the relationship. In other words, how emotionally invested are you, and where do you two stand? Are you two just kicking it or dating, dating exclusively, classified as “friends with benefits," or is it merely an "it's complicated" situation? Have you two even discussed it? Please understand that just because you may have been around each other for a few months or so, doesn't necessarily mean they're committed to you…let alone, admirable enough or ready to meet the family.
Never assume what has yet to be acknowledged.
Even though things seemed to progress a bit faster than usual with me and my husband when we were dating, we didn't attend any holiday family functions until we knew we were exclusively in a relationship with each other. My husband had never even taken a woman to see his family in the deep, country woods of South Carolina until I came along (I'm not bragging, but I'm just saying - it made a girl feel special).
The only way it would be okay to bring someone who isn't your boyfriend around for the holidays is if it's something that was discussed, both of you are clear and content with where the relationship, or situationship, stands. Don't fall into the mind-trap of thinking that by meeting the family it will automatically seal the deal for exclusivity. It's definitely not a sure-fire way to make someone love you or want to be with you. So, just be clear that you're not going anywhere unless you two are clear on where you two stand and where the relationship is headed.
How often does this happen?
Basically, what is your reputation when it comes to situations like this? Are you the one who always shows up with a new “friend" or “partner" and proclaims that this time they're truly the one? Maybe your boyfriend is known as the one that always shows up with a different person. There are only so many times you can say “this is it" before your family and friends stop believing you, and before you stop believing yourself.
Believe me, I'm not judging you because I used to be that girl, but there comes a time in your life when you have to tell yourself that you're not going to bring anyone around again until you know it's really serious and for real this time…and when I say serious, I mean the relationship is solid, and has been for awhile now, and it's completely different from all of the other failed relationships.
Don't just do it because that's what you're used to doing. Try something different, and this time, change it up from how you usually do it.
How is your family?
For example, do you have children? If so, the last thing you want to do is make it so that every time a different holiday begins, your children end up meeting a different person. Don't create a situation that could be not only confusing and frustrating for you, but for your children as well.
Speaking of family, consider your family and the potential atmosphere. Is your family big or small, and how many people will be in attendance? Can they be a bit rowdy and boisterous, or cool, calm, and collective? Maybe they're a beautiful blend of everything. Either way, make sure your boyfriend is prepared for any and all of it. Before I met my husband's family for a major holiday, he prepped me for everything, especially the variety of personalities I was due to meet (and vice versa). Nevertheless, I wasn't as nervous and I felt more comfortable about the situation.
So, make sure you assess the type of situation your boyfriend could be walking into. Make sure he's ready and, more importantly, make sure your family and loved ones are ready and willing to meet him.
If you two aren't close, don't bring him to meet the people closest to you.
I can't give you a definite timeline for any of this, because like I said, every situation is different. However, just remember, don't settle for being just another random chick at the holiday family gathering. If you two don't share a closeness, then it doesn't really make sense for him to meet the people closest to you.
Rule of thumb: don't bring someone over during the holidays if you're not even sure you'll make it to the next holiday.
What lessons have you learned from being beaus to meet the family during the holidays?
Featured image by Getty Images
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Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
While her time at the Ivy League came with its set of learning curves, Hairston was sure that her love for coding as a computer science major would outweigh those barriers to entry.
During her freshman year, she landed an internship at Facebook that would shape her outlook on tech forever. “I got my first offer letter, and seeing that, I was like, ‘This is how you create economic opportunities,” she recalls. “Seeing how much I was making as just a 19-year-old in tech made me realize I wanted to devote the rest of my career to helping more people have access to this in-demand field in tech.”
And that, she did.
Today, Hairston is the CEO and co-founder of EdLyft, a tutoring platform that equips students in computer science courses to land in-demand tech careers at the largest tech companies and is one of the youngest Black women to raise more than $1 million in venture capital through her startup. “We're a platform that helps companies train and engage their entire future workforce,” she says. “Everyone and all students are using our platform, however, we make it an intention to prioritize partnerships and programs where diversity is a top priority or a top goal.”
Erika and her co-founder believe in replicating the support that kept them in computer science to help more underrepresented talent thrive in the growing world of tech. After leaving their corporate jobs to pursue this mission and launching Edlyft in February 2020, they have since supported over 3000 students to reach their goals in the tech field.
“Computer science dramatically changed our lives, and when we looked at the market, we saw how in-demand software engineering was and realized that if we could replicate what kept us in computer science to help more people gain access to these in-demand careers, that would be really powerful.”
We caught up with Erika Hairston to talk about all things coding, overcoming imposter syndrome, and the importance of demystifying the fundraising process for Black women entrepreneurs/founders.
Photo by Apple Media
xoNecole: Learning to code can seem like an intimidating skill to acquire. Can you speak to how one can overcome those initial barriers of entry?
Erika Hairston: Coding is like learning a new language where practice makes perfect. The intimidation, it's not just women of color who experienced that, it’s everyone when they try coding for the first time because it has a very steep learning curve. The first piece of advice is acknowledging that you're not alone in that initial hurdle of the steep learning curve.
The second piece of advice is that the media doesn't help. When you think of your typical hacker or getting into computer science, you see a white guy with a hoodie and glasses on, with a laptop in the corner, and sometimes people don't see themselves represented in that. And so I think there's been a lot of push to change that in really seeing yourself as an engineer, and that’s a part of what we are trying to change.
On a tactical level, there are so many organizations and resources that I encourage women, especially Black women, to tap into in order to overcome those barriers. One amazing organization that we're partnering with is Reboot Representation, whose mission is to increase the number of Black, Latinx, and Native women in tech.
xoN: Many female entrepreneurs struggle with imposter syndrome. How have you dealt with self-doubt while remaining confident in your abilities?
EH: More recently, I will say I have chosen to dismiss impostor syndrome as something that I feel because I realized that no one knows what they are doing. I wasn't ready to become a founder — I actually was working on a side project when I thought, ‘Oh, I can't be a founder. I don't look like a founder.’ What does that look like? And when I got into Apple’s Entrepreneur Camp, I was surrounded by women founders who were stages ahead of me, and they became my friends, and I got to see what it looked like to be in their shoes.
It was the first time that I saw that this is what it would look like for me to do this. I am capable, I can do that. Changing what it looks like to be what you want to be is a really important part of my journey. Surround yourself with investors or peers who have that shared vision of the world with you, empower you, and help you see what you can become.
"Changing what it looks like to be what you want to be is a really important part of my journey. Surround yourself with investors or peers who have that shared vision of the world with you, empower you, and help you see what you can become."
Photo by Apple Media
xoN: What challenges did you face when raising venture capital funding or navigating the tech world?
EH: Demystifying the fundraising process is one of those inside secrets that you don't know until you know. So democratizing access to this information is critical so that there's no longer those "The Only Black Woman To Raise This Much" headlines — those have to be abolished.
We went through an accelerator program called Y Combinator. It's three months of access to investors who help you gear up for its ‘Demo Day’ where you pitch in front of a lot of investors. That was how we got that inside, ‘secret juice’ which is the way the fundraising process works. Doing those exercises and research to learn the tactics and skills that will increase our chances of being funded by investors that are mission-aligned was a really critical part of the process.
What that looked like for us was sending a lot of emails; I was even in people's DMs on Twitter. Being prepared to answer any questions and asking more founders for more introductions, that is truly how fundraising happens because sometimes we can't do what works for the 99%.
xoN: As a successful female entrepreneur, what advice do you have for women who aspire to start their own businesses, particularly in male-dominated industries like tech?
EH: One, do your ‘startup math’ or do your founder math. Calculate how much you need to have saved before you start your business. For me, that was six months of living expenses to feel confident and comfortable leaving my full-time job to focus on my company full-time. Do that math, save it up. That way, it's not always ‘Oh, I'll do it later,’ there's a concrete number that you're saving up towards.
Second, fall in love with a problem, not the solution. When you're building a business, the solution will look different, and it'll have to change as you learn from the people that you are building for. But if you care a lot about the problem, you'll find all of the different ways to best solve that and stay motivated as you work on your business.
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Featured image by Apple Media
