4 Things To Ask Yourself Before You Bring Bae Home For The Holidays
The holidays are upon us, and you're trying to decide if it's the right time for your boyfriend to meet the family (also commonly referred to as “Bae," “boo," “My man," or another term of millennial endearment). I have a few tips to help you figure out the best way to think about this and determine whether or not it's a good idea.
As with any type of relationship advice, of course, not everything works for everyone, and sometimes there are exceptions to the rule, but in most cases, these are the top four things you should consider before bringing Bae around for the holidays.
How long have you been together?
All of us have different perspectives when it comes to the aspect of time, and quite honestly, the time factor will vary based on each person's preference. However, in my opinion, I think if it's only been a few weeks or so, then it's definitely too early. Why? Sure, it's great to have your boyfriend around to meet those closest to you as soon as possible so you can hear what they think and see how everyone gels, but remember the sooner they meet your family, the sooner they could grow attached. So, what if you two break up shortly thereafter? Then, you'll find yourself back at square one when the next holiday rolls around, and we know how uncomfortable it can be when you have to break up with the person AND the family.
Besides, you don't want to be that girl (or guy because guys do it, too) that comes off as overly zealous, or as if you're trying to rush things when it's only been a short time. Despite how eager you may be, take some time to see if they're a good fit for you before you bring them around to see if they'll fit in with the family.
How deep is the love?
More important than time, is the status of the relationship. In other words, how emotionally invested are you, and where do you two stand? Are you two just kicking it or dating, dating exclusively, classified as “friends with benefits," or is it merely an "it's complicated" situation? Have you two even discussed it? Please understand that just because you may have been around each other for a few months or so, doesn't necessarily mean they're committed to you…let alone, admirable enough or ready to meet the family.
Never assume what has yet to be acknowledged.
Even though things seemed to progress a bit faster than usual with me and my husband when we were dating, we didn't attend any holiday family functions until we knew we were exclusively in a relationship with each other. My husband had never even taken a woman to see his family in the deep, country woods of South Carolina until I came along (I'm not bragging, but I'm just saying - it made a girl feel special).
The only way it would be okay to bring someone who isn't your boyfriend around for the holidays is if it's something that was discussed, both of you are clear and content with where the relationship, or situationship, stands. Don't fall into the mind-trap of thinking that by meeting the family it will automatically seal the deal for exclusivity. It's definitely not a sure-fire way to make someone love you or want to be with you. So, just be clear that you're not going anywhere unless you two are clear on where you two stand and where the relationship is headed.
How often does this happen?
Basically, what is your reputation when it comes to situations like this? Are you the one who always shows up with a new “friend" or “partner" and proclaims that this time they're truly the one? Maybe your boyfriend is known as the one that always shows up with a different person. There are only so many times you can say “this is it" before your family and friends stop believing you, and before you stop believing yourself.
Believe me, I'm not judging you because I used to be that girl, but there comes a time in your life when you have to tell yourself that you're not going to bring anyone around again until you know it's really serious and for real this time…and when I say serious, I mean the relationship is solid, and has been for awhile now, and it's completely different from all of the other failed relationships.
Don't just do it because that's what you're used to doing. Try something different, and this time, change it up from how you usually do it.
How is your family?
For example, do you have children? If so, the last thing you want to do is make it so that every time a different holiday begins, your children end up meeting a different person. Don't create a situation that could be not only confusing and frustrating for you, but for your children as well.
Speaking of family, consider your family and the potential atmosphere. Is your family big or small, and how many people will be in attendance? Can they be a bit rowdy and boisterous, or cool, calm, and collective? Maybe they're a beautiful blend of everything. Either way, make sure your boyfriend is prepared for any and all of it. Before I met my husband's family for a major holiday, he prepped me for everything, especially the variety of personalities I was due to meet (and vice versa). Nevertheless, I wasn't as nervous and I felt more comfortable about the situation.
So, make sure you assess the type of situation your boyfriend could be walking into. Make sure he's ready and, more importantly, make sure your family and loved ones are ready and willing to meet him.
If you two aren't close, don't bring him to meet the people closest to you.
I can't give you a definite timeline for any of this, because like I said, every situation is different. However, just remember, don't settle for being just another random chick at the holiday family gathering. If you two don't share a closeness, then it doesn't really make sense for him to meet the people closest to you.
Rule of thumb: don't bring someone over during the holidays if you're not even sure you'll make it to the next holiday.
What lessons have you learned from being beaus to meet the family during the holidays?
Featured image by Getty Images
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images