What You Should Think About Before Agreeing To Become A Godparent
While this might seem like a bit of a left field kind of article, please believe there is a method to the madness 'cause, y'all…Y'ALL. If there's one thing that is pretty big in Black culture (because interestingly enough, several white people I know actually needed me to break down what a godparent even is…hmph), especially in Black church culture, it's the concept of children having a set of godparents. Typically, they are formally introduced to the world (relatively speaking) when a little one is getting blessed or dedicated (or christened) to the Lord.
Over the course of my life, I have witnessed a lot of people become godparents. Shoot, I've even had two sets of my own…who were disappointing as all get out. Matter of fact, the wife of the second pair, after not reaching out in years, flew into Nashville, asked to meet for lunch and then proceeded to tell me that she was an inactive godmother because my mom basically made her feel intimidated into accepting the position. What in the world? And I'm saying that to her and my mother (and not necessarily in that order).
And here's the thing — unfortunately, my story isn't a rare one. I know countless people who have godparents "on paper" and yet those people haven't been a part of their lives (especially in any real or consistent way) since…shoot, they can't remember when. And if there's something that all of them have in common, it's the fact that their godparents being MIA on their commitment has ultimately affected their trust of older adults while making them mad leery about ever agreeing to become a godparent themselves. Yep. It can be just that deep.
So, while an article like this may only target a very niche group, for the sake of current and future children who absolutely deserve to have more than godparents in name (along with a picture day at church) only, let's touch on some things that you definitely should think — meditate and pray — long and hard about before ever agreeing to such a privileged and lifelong position like godparenting.
Be Clear on What the Position Entails
Y'all, I actually know a couple who has 15 godchildren (I know, right?). Even they admit that they have dropped the ball on more than half of them. I mean, really — if you know what comes with being a godparent, there is no way that you can handle that many kids. And just what does it mean to be a godparent? The two main responsibilities include 1) being present when the child is dedicated to the Lord as a way of saying that you are willing to play a pivotal and significant role in their spiritual growth and development and 2) assuming the role of taking care of the children should their parents pass on or be unable to maintain their own roles for some reason. And y'all, both of these things are HUGE.
In fact, I know some people who have been asked to be a godparent and they've turned the offer down, not because of the first expectation but the second — they simply don't want to accept the huge responsibility of raising children if something dire were to happen to those kids' parents. However, as a godmother myself, while some folks think that is an automatic responsibility, before I accepted the position, I discussed that part with my godchildren's mom, for a while. She and her husband's will states that her brother would get custody of my goddaughters should something happen to them. It also states that I am the godmother and so provisions should be made for me to remain in their life — long-term.
Now I will say that as more and more people are opting out of traditional religious practices, there is a role of a modern-day godparent that basically consists of committing to being a good role model for children while also serving as an additional loved one in their life (especially if their parents don't have a lot of blood family or they aren't close to them). All of this to say, if you've always been familiar with the term "godparent" yet you were never really sure what it consisted of, while it tends to take on various forms for some folks, that's basically the gist.
Discuss with the Parents What Their Expectations of a Godparent Are
Can you imagine how many relationships would remain intact if folks simply, openly and honestly discussed their expectations before moving forward rather than assuming that 1) the other person should already know them and/or 2) the other person is automatically going to be on the same page as they are?
When it comes to becoming a godparent, this point definitely applies which is why, before accepting, you should ask the parents what they would like you to do in their child's life and, if need be, how often/consistently they would like you to do those things.
As for me and my goddaughters, their parents just wanted me to be constantly present to the point where both girls would know who I am and feel comfortable coming to talk to me about various topics throughout various stages of their life. My goddaughters' parents also trust my opinion when it comes to them making certain decisions that directly affect their girls. Honestly, when it came to Grace (who is 10), I had so much PTSD from my own poor godparent experience that it took me a bit longer to be physically present in the sense of proactively going to see her (although we talked on the phone all of the time and her family would come to Nashville fairly often for business).
However, with her sister, Nova (who is currently 2), I've been putting forth more effort into spending quality time with both girls in their own space, energy and environment. Their parents don't expect more from me than that; however, they do expect that much. I am clear on that and have been intentional about staying active in these capacities.
Figure Out If Godchildren Will Complement Your Lifestyle/Schedule
When my godchildren's mom first asked me to be her firstborn's godparent, believe it or not, it took me an entire year to agree to do it. While that might seem really ungracious on the surface, again, because I had been burned by so-called godparents as a child and because my godchildren's mom is actually named after her own godmother (which means she takes the role really seriously), I needed to make sure that I wouldn't disappoint anyone like I had been disappointed by others. That included really processing if my lifestyle and schedule were conducive to such a position because, to me, godparenting isn't just about sending a birthday card and calling a couple of times a year.
My godchildren actually hear from me 2-3 times a week, the older one and I try and have an online movie date once a month (when we can't, it's due to her busy schedule) and I'm actually flying out to see them before this month is out. I know that there will be graduations that I need to be present for. That I need to take interest in my goddaughters' gifts, talents and interests. And that someday, there will be weddings and baby blessings of their own that I need to do everything my power to attend.
While being a godparent isn't even a fraction of as mentally, emotionally or financially taxing as being a parent is, it does come with some sacrifices of time and resources (again, if you're taking the role seriously enough). That's why I don't knock it at all if people are asked and humbly decline because they just aren't sure if they can be that present for someone else's kids. Sometimes, being a godparent is too much and being a "love aunt" or uncle (that's my way of calling someone who isn't a blood relative a family member) is easier. Understood.
Know That Being a Godparent Is a Lifelong Commitment
I actually have another goddaughter. She's a teenager now and that is mind-blowing to even fathom. We don't have a relationship because her mother and I parted ways years ago. However, a couple of years ago, when I ran into her mom and we made our own peace, I told her that I intended on putting her daughter on a life insurance policy — that I wanted to do it for all three of my goddaughters at some point (life insurance companies have advised that I wait until around my mid-late 50s to entertain doing that since they are technically not my children; according to them, I shouldn't "burden myself" with that financial obligation right now. Noted). That mom and my other goddaughters' parents thought that was going above and beyond. Maybe. To me, though, since I don't have my own children, I want to make sure that my goddaughters have some extra support in living out their best life.
Besides. GOD-parent. I don't think most folks get the magnitude of that word. I mean, even parents don't have "GOD" in front of their title. I don't know about y'all, but I know the way that God loves me — continually and in spite of whatever I do or don't do. When you sign up to be someone's godparent, you should look at your commitment to them in a similar fashion. It's not to be an emotional (which can be fickle) or unspiritual (which can be selfish) move. Godly love should always be seen as healthy, somewhat sacrificial and everlasting. As long as my goddaughters are here and I am here to see them evolve, I will be available to them. That is what I signed up for.
Don’t Agree Just Because It Strokes Your Ego
I remember once talking to a friend before the birth of his son. He was telling me that although (at the time), he had only daughters, he did have a godson who he wasn't proactive with when it came to interacting with him. Last I checked, that child is now a grown man and incarcerated (due to a myriad of broken issues). Is that my friend's fault? Absolutely not. At the same time, when he stood up and said that he would be that guy's godparent, there's no telling how much his active influence could've played a direct role in that man's life possibly taking a different path.
Do I know some great godparents? Indeed, I do. I've gotta admit, though, when it comes to the tales of those who admit that they have not stepped up to the plate past maybe a year or so of agreeing to be someone's godparent, those names are endless. And that's got me honestly wondering how many people agree to do it only for the ego stroke of being asked without really taking into account how serious the position actually is.
You know, one of my favorite lines in the movieThe Fault in Our Stars is when one of the characters said, "Sometimes, people don't understand the promises that they make when they make them." Preach. That said, there's a Scripture in the Bible that I fear a lot of us don't take very seriously but we definitely should:
"Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few. For a dream comes through much activity, and a fool's voice is known by his many words. When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—better not to vow than to vow and not pay." (Ecclesiastes 5:2-5-NKJV)
When you vow to be a godparent — to passionately care about a child's spiritual needs and well-being while also supporting their parents as they develop — because it is such a solid spiritual position, I believe that God takes it very seriously and literally. That's why, if you agree to be one, while it is indeed an honor, it also requires a ton of grace, humility and consistency.
I know. This is a lot to think about yet if you're currently on the fence about either becoming a godparent or asking someone else to be one for your own kids, it's my prayer that all of this shed some additional light. A godparent isn't just a pat on the back. It's a huge responsibility. For the sake of the children who you may influence at this magnitude…please choose wisely.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
Courtesy
I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
Courtesy
That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
Courtesy
So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
Courtesy
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy