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Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.
If there are two things that a lot of us don't respect enough, it's the power of our words and the power of our choices. When it comes to the second thing, I once read that we make over 220 decisions, every day, just on food alone. Shoot, some sources say that we make as many as 35,000 conscious decisions on a daily basis too. And while choosing between chocolate and vanilla ice cream or whether to watch something on Netflix or Hulu may not be all that big of a deal, there are instances when we need to make a big decision — when it's time to make up our mind for the purpose of cultivating a long-term resolve that will impact our life in a pretty significant way.
If that's the kind of head space that you're currently in, before you make a final call, take a moment to at least give this a once over. Decisions can alter outcomes. That's why it's extremely important to do all that you can to make the wisest ones.
De-Stress
Something that I think is kinda crazy is we're oftentimes wired to make a major decision when we're either stressed out or overly emotional. Usually, it's because we feel a little out of control and so we think making some sort of choice will give us our control back when, more times than not, all it does is create (more) chaos…which leads to making even more decisions in order to fix our "triggered mess". That's why it's so important to de-stress before doing anything.
Here's the thing about this particular point, though. Some of us internalize stress so much that we don't even know when we're at our wit's end. If you're not sleeping soundly; if your moods are all over the place; if you're constantly overthinking; if your energy levels are low; if you struggle with being productive; if your immune system is weak; if your libido is shot; if you're easily triggered; if you grind your teeth a lot and/or you experience headaches (or body aches) often, this means that you need to be intentional about calming yourself down.
And just how do you do that? Get on a sleep schedule. Lay off of sugar and caffeine. Do some journaling. Exercise. Make a daily to-do list (that only has 5-7 things on it). Eat more fresh fruits and veggies. Have more sex. Deactivate your (main) triggers. Drink some herbal tea and give your feet a lavender oil massage. And finally, purpose in your mind to not do ANYTHING until you've done at least three of these things and gotten at least three consecutive nights of six hours of sleep or more. It will make you more confident about your choices if you do.
DON’T Follow Your Heart
Some of y'all are gonna be caught off guard with this point; however, those who read my content on this site fairly regularly know that they have heard this tip before. Listen, I don't know who came up with the "follow your heart" mantra but it irritates the mess outta me, every time I hear it. For one thing, the Good Book advises the total opposite because Jeremiah 17:9-19(NKJV) says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings."
First, the Bible says that the heart is deceitful and wicked. Then it says that God tests the mind. I totally get why the Word sees things this way too because a definition of the heart is "the center of emotions" and if you make it your motto to follow your emotions? You are in for a very roller coaster kind of life. No thank you.
When you need to make a major decision, it is absolutely wiser of you to focus on your mind — the part of you that reasons, looks at things logically and applies some level of discernment. Many people have done some of the most reckless and selfish things while "following their heart". You significantly reduce this risk of becoming this kind of statistic by thinking things through instead.
Get an “Inside Out” Perspective
A wise person once said, "People who look through keyholes are apt to get the idea that most things are keyhole-shaped." I really like that quote because it basically means that if you only look at things from your perspective, it could really limit you and your outcomes. This is why it's so important, engaged folks, to get into premarital counseling before jumping the broom because a reputable therapist/counselor/coach can pick up on some potential red flags or issues that you being "all in love" may miss.
Anyway, while I don't think it's important or necessary to get a billion people to cosign on something that you are considering doing (or not doing), I do recommend running it by 2-3 people who you absolutely trust. 2-3 people whose own lives have some sense of order and productivity. 2-3 people who have a proven track record of wanting the absolute best for you. Present to them what's going on and what you're considering doing about it. Then ask them for their honest opinion. Remember that it is indeed an opinion (and that you are grown, so you can still ultimately do what you want) yet try and take it all in as objectively as you can. I have spared myself a lot of potential ridiculousness by giving certain friends the floor. Something that "outside in" perspectives can do is help to paint a much bigger picture.
Pray/Meditate
There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7 — NKJV) The interesting thing about the word "anxious" is it doesn't just mean "mental distress"; it also means "eager". Just like it can be counterproductive to make major decisions when you're mentally distressed, it can be crazy to make choices while you're overly eager as well. And so, those verses in the Bible remind us that prayer can help us to move past anxiousness and into a space of greater understanding; especially on a spiritual level.
And what if you're not a holy book kind of person (because the Torah and Quran are also big on prayer)? Meditation is a good move too. It helps to control anxiety. It helps you to focus. It can make you more self-aware. It can help to make you less selfish and more empathetic. It can also make it easier for you to sleep, so that your brain is clearer. There are plenty of studies out in cyberspace that support the benefits of prayer and/or meditation. Certainly enough for you to definitely apply these steps before deciding to do anything serious.
Assess the Pros and Cons
As more and more people are realizing that homeownership is basically renting from a bank while renters are renting from a landlord, they are starting to see that the so-called American Dream needs more thinking things through. This is where a pros and cons list can come in really handy. For instance, some pros of owning a house are you can build equity and treat the house as you please. Some cons include being responsible for property tax and repairs and the fact that you could end up paying more in interest than the house is actually worth overall. Or say that you're thinking about starting your own company. Some pros include living out your own dream and being your own boss. Some cons include probably working more hours, generating unpredictable income (at least for a season) and having the burden of every choice fall totally on you.
While there is nothing new about writing a pros and cons list, it's kind of amazing, just how many people don't do it. It really is a great life hack, though, because if you're serious about making one, it requires a lot of pondering, seeing things from all angles and even doing some research (which is why you should have no less than 10 things on each side; that way, you up your chances of really thinking things through). A pros and cons list taps into your practical side and when it comes to making a life-altering decision, that is always a good thing.
Look a Year Ahead
My mother used to say, "God doesn't give us someone for where we are but where we're going and no one can know that but him." That was her way of encouraging people to factor God into their long-term partner choices. Along these same lines, when you are about to make a major decision, you need to try and look into at least the short-term future as much as you possibly can. While it is a little absurd to think that you can predict all of what will happen up the pike, the reason why this is an important step is because, far too often, we tend to make decisions based on nothing more than the here and now without even factoring in the weeks and months ahead.
Say that you're contemplating moving to another city for the first time. If you're very close to your family and you've got a close relative who is old or ill, can you be good with your schedule or finances not being able to let you return if they need you over the next several months? Say that you're considering going back to school. Can you handle the demands of work and your class load? Say that you are thinking about starting a business. Are you confident enough in our country to think that you can financially survive more topsy-turviness that may be up ahead? Say that you're considering getting pregnant yet your partner is up for a promotion. Have you thought about what a new baby and his work demands might look like? I could go on and on with various scenarios yet I think you get the gist. When making big decisions, something that you've also got to take into account is timing — future seasons included. Please make sure that you do.
Let Peace Be Your Guide
You can read articles that I've written on this platform like "Here's How To Know You're At Total Peace With Yourself" and "An Extremely Underestimated Sign That You're With The Right Person" to know just how BIG of a fan that I am of peace. To be at peace is to be content. To be at peace is to have composure. To be at peace is to be calm. To be at peace is OK with being still. To be at an uber level of peace is to be in a state of one of my favorite words of all time — bliss. And when you're in bliss, you're experiencing blessedness and real joy.
Just like a lot of us can mistake drama for passion or lust for love, it can be really easy to think that instant gratification or only appeasing what you desire (at the expense of what's best for you) is going to bring you peace. However, if the choice that you're about to make doesn't bring along with it a feeling of real calm in your mind, body and soul, simultaneously so, at the very least, pump your brakes for a bit. Peace sends us the message that we're making a decision that isn't just good; it's right. And when something (or someone) is right, it is "in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle; correct" and that's always what's best. And when we're doing what is truly best for us, that's when we can feel good about our choices. No matter how impacting the decision may be.
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Featured image by Getty Images
- 4 Simple Rules For How to Make a Big Decision | Tony Robbins ›
- Advice for making major decisions during the pandemic - The Lily ›
- How To Make Your Big Life Decisions | May Busch ›
- Talks to watch when you have a big decision to make | TED Talks ›
- How to Mindfully Make Important Life Decisions | Psychology Today ›
- 10 Ways To Make Big Decisions You'll Never Regret ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images