Here's How To Know You're At Total Peace With Yourself
Something that my mother used to say fairly often to me is, "You are violent about getting healthy and maintaining your peace of mind." It's a bit of a play on words, but honestly, she ain't neva lied. In a world that is filled with drama (both online and off), people who change with the weather and challenges that can totally take you out (if you let them), I have learned that the best way to remain stable and centered is to make sure that I am in a state of peace. That I know how to calm my spirit down. That I can be still instead of busy, just for the sake of doing something. That no matter how hectic, erratic or nerve-wracking things may be around me, I can choose to remain composed, steady and completely undisturbed. Yeah, inner peace ain't nothin' to be slept on. It's one of the truest art forms that there is.
Yet and still, with all of the poppin' off that folks do, the stress-related illnesses that so many of us have and the obsessive worrying and overthinking that a lot of us subject ourselves to, sometimes we forget that inner peace is a surefire remedy to all of this. So, how can you know that you are more at peace with yourself than most?
1. You Feel As If You’ve Got Nothing to Prove
As life would have it, I found myself watching artist T-Pain on The Breakfast Club recently. Before he got into, let's just say a lot (he's pretty open about he and his wife engaging in threesomes from time to time and his interview basically went viral due to him running through $40 million bucks), I must say that I felt him when he said something in particular.
"I've wasted enough time trying to get people to see my truth. The relief of stress that I've had, not trying to prove anything to people…it's so great. My truth is I'm happy…the people who take their time to go on my page and go to a post where I'm doing something great just to tell me I fell off…you took time out of your day for this?...That used to determine how my day went. I gave that so much power, and now I can look back at myself and be like, 'Who are these people?'…they weren't there with me when with me shootin' in the gym, they weren't there when I came up crazy. They weren't there when I was doin' all of my biggest stuff, so now that things aren't 2008 anymore, I'm not gonna let them determine what happens to me during my day. My kids do that. My wife does that."
BET has a series calledBlew A Bag that also showcases how well-known people "lost" their money. I've checked out of a few of their stories. My two takeaways is they are cautionary tales on money management, and if there is one thing most of those people have in common with where T-Pain appears to be now is real peace is when you feel like there is no need to prove anything to anyone other than yourself and your loved ones.
2. Your Looks Don’t Consume You
OK, so when I say that your looks shouldn't consume you, I don't mean that you shouldn't take pride in your appearance. What comes to mind here is a Scripture and an article. Let's go with the Scripture first. A portion of I Peter 3:3(NKJV) says, "Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart…" The emphasis here is on the word "merely". "Merely" means that how we look on the outside should not consume us to the point that our character isn't more important. This ties in really well with the article I was referring to. In spring of 2018, Harper's Bazaar published "The Challenges of Raising a Black Girl to Feel Beautiful". In it, the author said that a psychologist by the name of Dr. Shefali Tsabary once said, "the best thing a mother can do is be her most empowered, authentic self." Amen.
A woman who is truly at peace with herself enjoys a nice pair of shoes and has no problem pampering her appearance. But what she's going to spend even more time on is thriving in her purpose, taking care of her responsibilities and becoming the kind of individual who is known for her inward beauty far more than how she looks on the outside. She doesn't have time to constantly stand in the mirror; her "life plate" is way too full for that.
3. You Prefer Peace Over Always Being Right
I try my best to always give credit where credit is due and, one of the best things that Dr. Phil has ever said (at least to me) is, "Would you rather be happy or right?" If I could tweak that, my question would be "Do you have to know everything, or would you rather have peace in your relationships?"
Last year, I penned a piece on here entitled "I'm Not A Fan Of My BFF's Man - This Is How I Make Our Friendship Work". It was in reference to a girlfriend whose husband, while he isn't this way all of the time, if he wants to be right about something, he turns into the most condescending, patronizing and disrespectful person I have ever met. I'm talking, you're gonna get a barrage of emails with links proving his point, he's going to over-talk you, and even hurl insults if necessary (one time, he said to me, "Go back to your irrelevant blogging that no one reads" after I "won" a debate). He typically apologizes within a 24-hour period, but yeah, when he gets in that zone, he does the absolute most.
Here's the thing about him, though. One time, he got me so mad that we were in a screaming match on the patio of a restaurant. After that, I realized "This man is getting me out of myself. And for what?" Ever since then, while he can still show his tail sometimes, what I've come to accept is, wow, it must be mad draining for him to live with himself; to be so obsessed with always being right—to be that afraid of being wrong—that folks find themselves not even wanting to be around him.
In that headspace, these days, whenever he says something that either I don't agree with or I know is pretty close to asinine, I think about the fact that I'm not gonna win a million dollars for expressing my opinion or for proving him wrong, so why not just let him rant and keep my inner peace? It's a woosah like no other to want peace over the need to be right—when you are confident enough in yourself that you don't need someone else to co-sign on your thoughts or for them to validate the knowledge that you already know that you have.
4. You Repel Drama at All Costs
Something that used to get me in a lot of trouble is gravitating to people who are funny and dramatic. On one hand, their humor and impeccable timing would keep me in stitches. On the other, they had such an impulsive and immature way of handling issues and conflict that everything was a soap opera. Yes, they were bona fide drama queens (or kings). What are some signs of this type of person? They always need to be the center of attention; they tend to always put emotion even over common sense; they can't take what they dish out; they are uber-passive aggressive; they overreact about…shoot, what don't they overreact about?; they're very picky, hypercritical and they typically act before they think (and that's just the tip of the iceberg).
If you read all of that and felt exhausted just thinking about those traits, you're someone who probably does everything that you possibly can to avoid this type of individual. I get it too because one thing that peace means is tranquility and a tranquil state comes with no commotion, quiet and calm. When you're at peace with yourself, you'll let a "fun person" go, if it means not having to deal with the drama that follows them.
5. You Are Gracious and Grateful
I was born with a natural bass in my voice. God made me that way and I'm fine with it. However, I will say that I find it interesting that, the more peaceful I am with myself, the "less loud" I tend to be (funny how that works, huh?). At the same time, I've got a girlfriend who is so soft-spoken that, even a decade into our friendship, not one phone call happens when I don't have to ask her to speak up. I'll admit that I find there to be something really sexy about that because, it's not that she can't amplify her voice (or tone); she simply chooses not to. When I've asked her why, she says it's because she doesn't feel the need to "turn up" to be seen or heard.
When it comes to her resolve, the first word that comes to mind is "feminine". The second is "gracious". When you are standing in your power to the point that you don't have to yell and scream for people to acknowledge it, there is something very elegant and easy about mindset.
Something else that I like about my friend is she's very polite. She's always going to say "please" and "thank you". Also, she's a joy to do things for because she always has such a beautiful sense of gratitude. She does her best to take nothing and no one for granted, and that kind of person is always someone you want to look out for. Yep, when you can be gracious and grateful, you have a true peace within you.
6. You Do Not Feel the Need to Control Others
As a control freak in recovery, I'm a firm believer that about 98.9 percent of controlling people know that they are this way. I also believe that peace is one of the furthest things that they have going for them. Just think about it. If you're a perfectionist; if you micro-manage; if everything has to go your way all of the time; if you're always criticizing someone—how are you ever able to calm down and relax?
Again, as someone who has recovered, in many ways, when it comes to this, what I have learned is the main person a control freak tends to not have under control is themselves (because another trait of control freaks is moodiness). But the more they focus on finding balance, which creates peace, within their own lives, the less they need to be control of what's going on outside of them.
Why? Because they know that all they can control is themselves. Not only that, but they put boundaries in place so that there is no need to control other individuals. And you know what? There really isn't.
7. You Prefer to Be Respected Instead of Liked
Companies that I have written for, know that I only really have two requests—make sure to list my pen name as "Shellie R. Warren" and make sure that payments come on time (umm, since my content comes on time). On the name tip, there are some people who will leave out the "R" and even misspell Shellie (no "y" or "ey" in my case) or worse, I'll have editors who will address me as "Shirley". Then, when I correct them, they think I am "doing the most".
Apparently, I'm not the only one with name drama. I recently watched a video about how to pronounce certain celebrity names properly. Rihanna has told us that it is "Ree-anna (like anna not ah-na). Chrissy Teigen has told us that her last name is "Tie-gen" not "Tee-gen". Amandla Stenberg does indeed have an "L" in her first name (it's not Amanda). Addressing someone, even when it comes to their name, properly is a sign of respect. People who are at peace with themselves, they require respect. Even more so than being liked.
Why? Because inner peace is tied into self-esteem and self-awareness. The more you evolve in both of these areas, the more you come to accept that people liking you will change—time changes things, circumstances change things and plus, some people are fickle AF. But it doesn't matter what the dynamics are, there is no reason why you should be disrespected. Peaceful people tend to be on the, "Shoot, I like myself, so I don't need a ton of others to like me. I'm not gonna allow you to treat me any ole' kind of way, though." This includes how you address them. And good for them for being that way.
8. You Don’t Need Everyone to Understand, Like or Agree with You
It's funny because, as I was sitting down to pen this, I took a break to see what was happening in YouTube world. The stories that came up in my suggestion feed are ones that I feel are totally worth your time. One was about a Black curvy girl who was shopping for a bridal gown at a shop that specializes in plus-size brides; one that was founded by a Black woman and has the dopest energy. Another story was about a super-inspiring Black woman who cooks and even puts on eyelashes with her feet (she was born without arms). Another featured Aevin Dugas. If you don't know her, she holds the record for having the largest Afro.
As I was listening to everyone share their own insights and perspectives, the thing that I felt they all had in common was how at peace they were. Kareen, the woman shopping for a dress, was looking for a dress that would, not hide, but would hug her every curve. Kashmiere, the woman with no arms has her own YouTube channel, alongside her man. And while some of us are struggle with even going (or staying) natural, Aevin's Afro is four feet tall and four feet wide.
I find these women to be super-inspiring, but I'm willing to bet that not everyone in their world—and especially not everyone they come into contact with—agrees with how they choose to approach life. While some days may be more challenging than others, it is very evident that, at least for the most part, all three of these ladies are at peace because obstacles nor opinions are standing in their way. If we "get" them cool. If not, kindly move out of their way. All of us should take this same approach, don't you think?
9. You Make Rest a Top Priority
I'm gonna share with you some synonyms for peace. Tell me if they don't automatically put you in a relaxed state of mind—harmony, bliss, calm, quiet, stillness and serenity. People who are at peace with themselves tend to have a home that embodies these words, they use scents that embody these words, and they make it a point and practice to participate in the kind of things that embody these words too. They meditate. They unplug to enjoy quiet time. They take vacations. One day a week is reserved for pampering. In other words, they rest—without excuses, reservations or apologies.
Personally, I always think there is something up with people who always have to be doing something. I mean, no matter what, they can't just chill out and be still. It might be the marriage life coach in me, but I always wonder if they're afraid to be alone with their own thoughts. People who are peaceful aren't. In fact, they relish in having the time and space to ponder, reflect and then, after doing so, to rest. Sleep and all.
10. You Know How to Stay in the Moment. Each and Every Moment.
Deepak Chopra once said, "Life gives you plenty of time to do whatever you want to do if you stay in the present moment." Out of all of the stuff that I shared, one of the absolute best ways to know that you are at peace with yourself, is you're not constantly dwelling on your past and you're certainly not fretting about your future either. There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34—NKJV) There's another that says, "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit'; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow…" (James 4:13-14—NKJV).
Are these verses encouraging irresponsibility or a lack of planning? No. What they are conveying is saying is if you stay in the moment, it keeps you calm, it encourages you to be grateful and it gives you an unbelievable amount of peace. And with inner peace, you can accomplish—and conquer—just about anything that comes your way. (Funny how that works, huh?)
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Protect Your Peace With This Sage Life Advice
Don't Kill My Vibe: 4 Ways To Keep Your Inner Peace In Any Environment
What It Means To Find True Self-Love
How Pursuing God Taught Me Self-Love
Feature image by Shutterstock
Originally published on August 25, 2019
- How To Be Honest With Yourself, Self-Honesty - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 5 Daily Steps To Protect Your Peace - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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