What It Means To Find True Self-Love
There's this rule of thumb that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. While true, it can create a false sense of what self-love really is, and can lead us to explore the concept for all of the wrong reasons (i.e., just so we can fall in love with someone else). It's almost like the phrase, "If you stop looking, they'll come," when it comes to searching for the person you'll marry.
As true as this anecdote might be, it makes it a chore to go on this exploration of self that was only prompted by this desire to ultimately cross paths with "the one".
We unconsciously miss out on the joy of the journey of falling in love with ourselves just for the sake of it, without expecting this love to fulfill the desires of anyone else. Simply being comfortable in our own skin is a journey that many women, including myself, struggle with daily. Whether it's overcoming insecurities or finally getting out of the comparison trap for good, the journey to self-love is one without a specific destination. But the more it's put into action, the more we can experience the joy of it all.
Find Yourself
My journey of self-love began with discovering who I really was, rather than who others said I should be. I was late to the party of all things self-discovery and can't say that I truly found myself until I was married and in my 30's. There were a series of life-changing events and phases I had to experience for this transition to take place.
I took a dream job that turned into a nightmare, broke up with the person I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life with, and experienced toxic friendships firsthand. How I responded to these major life experiences played a huge part in my journey to self-love. For you, healing may mean having moments of reflection through an Eat, Pray, Love-style vacation. Whatever it is, please don't be afraid of the risks, mistakes, bumps, and bruises that are inevitable. Self-discovery also comes with fulfilling rewards that have the potential to shape your life in major ways.
Know Yourself
While self-discovery in itself can be a lifelong journey, it was shortly after that I really got to know who I was. In some instances, I loved what I saw. I was a woman who celebrated all of my friends and family. I was known to be dependable and loyal. But I also became very aware of the ugly parts of me, that included jealousy (yes, I was an undercover hater in some instances), insecurity, and being super prideful. I found that knowing everything about yourself, including the good and bad, is a major part of your journey that you can't skip over.
Make serious life decisions that are based on what you now know is best for you. When it came to my life, it was knowing what I wanted in relationships, friendships, my career, and my church home. I had to learn to not listen to what others said I should want or go after. Each of these categories were impacted heavily during my journey of self-love. Because I knew who I was, I was able to choose what I still believe and know is best for me.
Be Yourself
No one else can be you, and you can't be fulfilled when you try to be someone else. But no worries, this is the fun part! It took a while for me to get to this point, but now that I'm here, there's no way I can see myself going back to the sunken place where I was constantly trying to hop across my lane into someone else's. I found out the hard way that it doesn't work. Once I discovered my niche and the uniqueness that I bring to the table, I never wanted to let go. There are literally billions of other people in the world, but only one you. Whatever it is that makes you special and unique, perform it to the max without giving any cares.
Love Yourself
There's something about being carefree in who you are and not being overly concerned about what others think. This is coming from someone who pretty much lived the Awkward Black Girl web series in real life on the regular.
Self-hate can be so draining. Self-love brings a level of freedom that's hard to explain but amazing to experience. Be you, love you, and own it! And honestly, you're in great hands to do so. Women of all backgrounds, shades, shapes, and sizes are being celebrated as the walls surrounding the traditional standards of beauty have been kicked down with thick thighs that save lives.
We live in a culture where women can decide to do the big chop or become bodybuilders. Even if we're given more side-eyes more than handclaps, you will never really be fulfilled until you embrace who you are with pride. Enjoy the journey of everything it takes to get there.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images