Amandla Stenberg has come a long way since first making her mark as the beloved District 11 tribute Rue in the Hunger Games series. Amandla has gone to star in films like Everything, Everything, Darkest Minds, and the forthcoming adaptation of Angie Thomas's best-selling novel The Hate U Give (premiering October 19). Witnessing her growthas an actress and an activist has been endearing, but so has watching her walk into her truth as a woman. Constantly evolving. Always unapologetically. Sexuality and all. She made headlines earlier this year when she came out to the world as gay, after revealing years prior that she was bisexual.
The soon-to-be 20-year-old recently graced the October/November cover for Seventeen magazine and talked owning her beauty, sexuality, and the truth behind her deciding to come out twice.
SILJA MAGG/SEVENTEEN
Back in 2016, Amandla, who was quickly becoming a symbol of young activism, came out as "a black, bisexual woman" during a Teen Vogue Snapchat conversation. Fast-forward to this year, she came out as simply and completely gay. She and her girlfriend singer King Princess made their red carpet debut at this year's VMAs. In her Seventeen cover story, she noted that gender and sexuality are fluid, noting that there are allowed to be gray areas in the attempt to make sexuality and sexual orientation a black and white conversation:
"Gender and sexuality are so fluid—it's okay to change your mind a million times and figure out what works for you. It's okay to take your time… I'd been out as bisexual, and people have known I'm queer for a long time. I saw some comments that made me chuckle, like, 'Girl, we been knew!' But I wanted to make it very clear that I have romantic love for women. I realized I had so much internalized homophobia and so much discomfort around hooking up with dudes. I always knew that when I hooked up with girls, it was the happiest I'd been in any sexual dynamic. I love that we have this umbrella term of queer, and so many things can exist underneath it, but I realized that part of my journey was hiding underneath that umbrella, because I was scared—on a personal and a public level—to confront what I was. It was easier for me to say 'I'm bi' or 'I'm pan' as I was figuring it out. But I came to a place where I felt really proud of my sexuality, and I decided I wanted to share that pride."
The beautiful thing about life is that you don't have to fit into a box if you don't want to. You are allowed to decide who you are by yourself and for yourself. And when you live your life in your truth, you live life for yourself and you move through the world in such a way that aligns with that. For Amandla, that means being open about her pride for her queerness, but also leaving tables where she is no longer being served. Body confidence is a thing and these days, Amandla refuses to let anyone make her feel bad for being herself. That extends to casting directors.
DFree / Shutterstock.com
"Being in entertainment can be hard—if you were to meet actors in real life, you'd probably be surprised at how tiny they are. I'm not a hella-skinny person—I'm petite, but I'm low-key slim-thick—and I've had people put pressure on me to lose weight or oversexualize my body because it doesn't look infantile. People often say my boobs are too big. There have been several moments when I was filming a scene, and someone came over with a small sports bra and said, 'Put this on real quick. Your boobs look too big on camera.' You're conceived of as too much if you have, like, thighs. It's ridiculous! I try to only work in spaces now that make me feel comfortable. It's challenging, but I'd rather be healthy and happy and love my body."
A large part of her embracing her curves and her lowkey slim thick status is about learning to love the skin that she is. The "woke" activist is vocal about her love for her blackness and pushing the culture forward by being a voice for our generation by way of offering support to Black Lives Matter and the like. For her, to experience true self-love and and learn to embrace her beauty and the features that embodied her black identity, it meant and still means unlearning what she had been taught:
"I've had to unlearn a lot, and I'm still unlearning things. I hated my hair growing up—I thought it was ugly. By the time I got to high school, I was using a relaxer. But when I was 16, I chopped off all the dead hair and started wearing it natural, and I realized that it was so beautiful and cool and versatile! Anti-black beauty standards are so pervasive. Fighting that requires constant unpacking and positive self-messaging, so of course I still have my moments when I feel insecure. But in those moments, I'm always [inspired] by the fact that being black is just so poppin'. The perspective, the culture, the family, the food…I love everything about being black."
Check out more snippets from the feature story here. The October/November issue debuts on newsstands on September 25.
Featured image by DFree / Shutterstock.com
- Amandla Stenberg Comes Out As Bisexual on Snapchat | Time ›
- Amandla Stenberg Comes Out as Gay in New Interview | Billboard ... ›
- Amandla Stenberg Comes Out as Gay ›
- Amandla Stenberg Comes Out as Gay | InStyle.com ›
- Amandla Stenberg ('Darkest Minds') feels fans' love after coming out ›
- Amandla Stenberg Comes Out As Gay In New Interview | Billboard ›
- Amandla Stenberg Comes Out As Gay | HuffPost ›
- Amandla Stenberg Comes Out as Gay | E! News ›
- Amandla Stenberg on Her Sexuality, Finding Love, and Loving Herself ›
- Amandla Stenberg Battled 'Internalized Homophobia' Before ... ›
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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