Are You Wasting Your Time With "Expiration Dating"?
Gee. Although I wish I had come up with the term "expiration dating", I really must give credit where credit is due. It comes from a scene out of Sex & the City when the girls were trying to get Carrie to have sex with one of Charlotte's groomsmen, believing that the whole, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" philosophy would work (I am absolutely not a fan of that, by the way). As Carrie was going down the list of all of the reasons why she thought it would be counterproductive to do so (including the fact that the guy lived out of town), she said, "What would be the point? It's not going to go anywhere. It would basically be 'expiration dating'."
Expiration dating. Whenever I hear that term, milk cartons immediately come to my mind. There is a time when milk is all good. But if you don't use it by the expiration date, you've got a coagulated mess on your hands. You have to toss it. What a waste.
If you're like a friend of mine who treats casual dating like an art form and you couldn't care less if something lasts for a couple of weeks or six months, do you. But if you are the kind of woman who is getting to the point where you are sick and tired of dating because it never seems to play out the way that you want it to, take out a few minutes to read this. Then ask a girlfriend to meet you for drinks so that y'all can discuss if what you've been doing is dating, or expiration dating.
So, What Exactly Are Y’all Doing, Anyway?
The interesting thing about the word "expire" is the fact that it means to terminate a contract, guarantee or offer. That said, a mistake that a lot of people make is they never even "put an offer on the table" to begin with. One woman I know, she has been telling me for a few months now, that she is absolutely certain that the guy she is currently dating desires marriage. Mind you, she hasn't asked him if that's the case. He never brings up long-term plans. She also hasn't been brought into any part of his world. She simply thinks that because they enjoy each other's company (and have sex) that they both want the same things (check out "One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material").
One of the best ways to know whether or not you are expiration dating is to ask the person you're seeing if they ultimately desire what you do. Not only that, but do they desire to have it with you?
Unfortunately, some people would prefer to duck and dodge this kind of conversation, believing that with enough time and experiences underneath their belt, the person they're with will come over to their way of thinking. Girl, you are far too precious for that kind of gamble. Better to put an offer on the table and see if he meets you there than to assume for months (or years) on end and end up totally blindsided.
And what if you do discover that he digs you, but not enough to meet you where you are? You're grown. Keep hanging around if you want, but I'm seeing an expiration date in your future.
Are You BOTH Getting What You Want Outta This?
When you have feelings for someone, it's natural to want to do whatever you can to make sure that they're happy. This is fine, so long as there is reciprocity involved. But if you're the one initiating and sacrificing while all the other person is doing is sitting back and reaping the benefits, sooner or later, you're going to end up being disappointed, if not flat-out pissed off and fed up.
Probably one of the biggest causes of expiration dating is when the person who is doing the least amount of relational maintenance gets called to the carpet and suddenly gets all defensive and resentful. When it comes to individuals like this, they will date you for as long as possible, so long as you don't require much. Oh, but the very moment that you have needs, state them and expect them to be met, suddenly the clock is ticking. Suddenly, the situation that was oh so good has immediately turned bad.
Make no mistakes about it. If you involve yourself with someone who is only getting their needs met, this is a form of expiration dating. I say that because either you're going to wise up one day and move on or they are going to try and make you feel bad for having needs and will actually leave you. (It's a bold and arrogant move, but it happens all of the time, chile.)
Are You SPENDING Time or WASTING Time?
Not too long ago, I was talking to a male friend of mine about a woman he's been seeing for about five years now. He's one of the biggest commitment-phobes that I know, so when I asked him how he felt about marriage as it relates to her, he said something that I think a lot of us should pay very close attention to. "Lord. Here we go with the 'defining things' conversation. Why do women always need a definition? I've been seeing her for five years and if we're both having a good time, then it was time well-spent regardless, right?" My response? "It is if you both ultimately want the same things. Otherwise, you're wasting her time. What's worse is she's letting you."
If you're not paying close attention, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between spending and wasting.
As it relates to romantic relationships, if you're giving your heart and/or body to someone, believing that it will ultimately turn into a real commitment, you're spending time if they are doing the same. Otherwise, if they are basically treating you like "something cool to do in the moment", I don't care how many moments you share together, without a goal in mind on their part, you are setting yourself to end up realizing that you totally wasted your time.
Are You a Priority? Or a Pastime?
Author and former talk show host Greg Behrendt once said something that some of us should pin up somewhere in our house—"If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you. Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do. If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs. 'Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating. You deserve a f—king phone call." Yes. Sir.
Let's go back to the milk point that I brought up earlier. Say that you go to the store to pick up a gallon of it. When you look at the container, you see that, not only does it need to be purchased by a certain time, it must be consumed not too long after as well. Now say that you bring it home and have a glass or two. Then you leave the container on the counter. All throughout the night, you keep telling yourself that you'll put it in the fridge. Then you go to bed, walk into the kitchen the following morning, and realize that it has to be tossed out (because milk is only supposed to stay at room temperature for a couple of hours max). The milk was fine. But because you didn't prioritize its needs, it has to go.
You're worth a whole lot more than some milk, but I think you see where I'm going with this. Things can be a part of our lives so much longer when we make them a priority. When they are nothing but a mere pastime, they tend to "expire" quicker than planned. Greg broke it down best. If the guy you're seeing isn't prioritizing you, self-love will make it abundantly clear that what y'all are doing is expiration dating. Only, he doesn't need to toss you. You need to be the one who is doing the tossing, sis.
Do You (Clearly) See a Dead-End Up the Road?
They say that all good things must come to an end. Eh. Yes and no. I mean, it's true that some things have seasons and we all will leave this planet at some point. But as far as relationships are concerned, so long as they are properly nurtured, they can go the distance; they really can.
Someone else that I know, although she's been exclusively seeing someone for about a year now, when I inquired about an update, she told me that she doesn't see it lasting for too much longer. "It's cool, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't check off all of my boxes, you know? I'm just kind of getting to the place of wondering, what is the point?"
A lot of us will stay with something, just so we don't have to be with nothing. Settling in this way is another form of expiration dating because if the relationship has no real purpose, eventually it will exhaust itself.
If you happen to see a dead-end in your situation, why not rip the Band-Aid off now? The sooner that you stop expiration dating is the sooner you can free yourself up to date with a purpose. It's when you can stop doing what you know is going to bite the dust sooner or later, so that you can get ready for what is totally worth your while. No expiration needed.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Here's Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships
The Things Men Say On Dates That Are Huge Red Flags
Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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