Gee. Although I wish I had come up with the term "expiration dating", I really must give credit where credit is due. It comes from a scene out of Sex & the City when the girls were trying to get Carrie to have sex with one of Charlotte's groomsmen, believing that the whole, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" philosophy would work (I am absolutely not a fan of that, by the way). As Carrie was going down the list of all of the reasons why she thought it would be counterproductive to do so (including the fact that the guy lived out of town), she said, "What would be the point? It's not going to go anywhere. It would basically be 'expiration dating'."
Expiration dating. Whenever I hear that term, milk cartons immediately come to my mind. There is a time when milk is all good. But if you don't use it by the expiration date, you've got a coagulated mess on your hands. You have to toss it. What a waste.
If you're like a friend of mine who treats casual dating like an art form and you couldn't care less if something lasts for a couple of weeks or six months, do you. But if you are the kind of woman who is getting to the point where you are sick and tired of dating because it never seems to play out the way that you want it to, take out a few minutes to read this. Then ask a girlfriend to meet you for drinks so that y'all can discuss if what you've been doing is dating, or expiration dating.
So, What Exactly Are Y’all Doing, Anyway?
The interesting thing about the word "expire" is the fact that it means to terminate a contract, guarantee or offer. That said, a mistake that a lot of people make is they never even "put an offer on the table" to begin with. One woman I know, she has been telling me for a few months now, that she is absolutely certain that the guy she is currently dating desires marriage. Mind you, she hasn't asked him if that's the case. He never brings up long-term plans. She also hasn't been brought into any part of his world. She simply thinks that because they enjoy each other's company (and have sex) that they both want the same things (check out "One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material").
One of the best ways to know whether or not you are expiration dating is to ask the person you're seeing if they ultimately desire what you do. Not only that, but do they desire to have it with you?
Unfortunately, some people would prefer to duck and dodge this kind of conversation, believing that with enough time and experiences underneath their belt, the person they're with will come over to their way of thinking. Girl, you are far too precious for that kind of gamble. Better to put an offer on the table and see if he meets you there than to assume for months (or years) on end and end up totally blindsided.
And what if you do discover that he digs you, but not enough to meet you where you are? You're grown. Keep hanging around if you want, but I'm seeing an expiration date in your future.
Are You BOTH Getting What You Want Outta This?
When you have feelings for someone, it's natural to want to do whatever you can to make sure that they're happy. This is fine, so long as there is reciprocity involved. But if you're the one initiating and sacrificing while all the other person is doing is sitting back and reaping the benefits, sooner or later, you're going to end up being disappointed, if not flat-out pissed off and fed up.
Probably one of the biggest causes of expiration dating is when the person who is doing the least amount of relational maintenance gets called to the carpet and suddenly gets all defensive and resentful. When it comes to individuals like this, they will date you for as long as possible, so long as you don't require much. Oh, but the very moment that you have needs, state them and expect them to be met, suddenly the clock is ticking. Suddenly, the situation that was oh so good has immediately turned bad.
Make no mistakes about it. If you involve yourself with someone who is only getting their needs met, this is a form of expiration dating. I say that because either you're going to wise up one day and move on or they are going to try and make you feel bad for having needs and will actually leave you. (It's a bold and arrogant move, but it happens all of the time, chile.)
Are You SPENDING Time or WASTING Time?
Not too long ago, I was talking to a male friend of mine about a woman he's been seeing for about five years now. He's one of the biggest commitment-phobes that I know, so when I asked him how he felt about marriage as it relates to her, he said something that I think a lot of us should pay very close attention to. "Lord. Here we go with the 'defining things' conversation. Why do women always need a definition? I've been seeing her for five years and if we're both having a good time, then it was time well-spent regardless, right?" My response? "It is if you both ultimately want the same things. Otherwise, you're wasting her time. What's worse is she's letting you."
If you're not paying close attention, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between spending and wasting.
As it relates to romantic relationships, if you're giving your heart and/or body to someone, believing that it will ultimately turn into a real commitment, you're spending time if they are doing the same. Otherwise, if they are basically treating you like "something cool to do in the moment", I don't care how many moments you share together, without a goal in mind on their part, you are setting yourself to end up realizing that you totally wasted your time.
Are You a Priority? Or a Pastime?
Author and former talk show host Greg Behrendt once said something that some of us should pin up somewhere in our house—"If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you. Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do. If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs. 'Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating. You deserve a f—king phone call." Yes. Sir.
Let's go back to the milk point that I brought up earlier. Say that you go to the store to pick up a gallon of it. When you look at the container, you see that, not only does it need to be purchased by a certain time, it must be consumed not too long after as well. Now say that you bring it home and have a glass or two. Then you leave the container on the counter. All throughout the night, you keep telling yourself that you'll put it in the fridge. Then you go to bed, walk into the kitchen the following morning, and realize that it has to be tossed out (because milk is only supposed to stay at room temperature for a couple of hours max). The milk was fine. But because you didn't prioritize its needs, it has to go.
You're worth a whole lot more than some milk, but I think you see where I'm going with this. Things can be a part of our lives so much longer when we make them a priority. When they are nothing but a mere pastime, they tend to "expire" quicker than planned. Greg broke it down best. If the guy you're seeing isn't prioritizing you, self-love will make it abundantly clear that what y'all are doing is expiration dating. Only, he doesn't need to toss you. You need to be the one who is doing the tossing, sis.
Do You (Clearly) See a Dead-End Up the Road?
They say that all good things must come to an end. Eh. Yes and no. I mean, it's true that some things have seasons and we all will leave this planet at some point. But as far as relationships are concerned, so long as they are properly nurtured, they can go the distance; they really can.
Someone else that I know, although she's been exclusively seeing someone for about a year now, when I inquired about an update, she told me that she doesn't see it lasting for too much longer. "It's cool, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't check off all of my boxes, you know? I'm just kind of getting to the place of wondering, what is the point?"
A lot of us will stay with something, just so we don't have to be with nothing. Settling in this way is another form of expiration dating because if the relationship has no real purpose, eventually it will exhaust itself.
If you happen to see a dead-end in your situation, why not rip the Band-Aid off now? The sooner that you stop expiration dating is the sooner you can free yourself up to date with a purpose. It's when you can stop doing what you know is going to bite the dust sooner or later, so that you can get ready for what is totally worth your while. No expiration needed.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Here's Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships
The Things Men Say On Dates That Are Huge Red Flags
Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?
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RELATED
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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