One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material
Sometimes, when I'm not able to catch a television show during its premiere, rather than watching it on On Demand, I'll put the title of it into Twitter (in hashtag form) to see what the viewers had to say (because sometimes that's far more entertaining). And bae-bay, there was a quote from a recent episode of Ready To Love that had folks wanting to pass the offering plate around…a couple of times. Drum roll, please:
"An unsure man is a dangerous man."
Let's let that sink in for a moment, shall we? When a man isn't sure — pretty much about anything, but especially when it comes to matters of the heart — he becomes dangerous. Another way to look at this is when a man is uncertain or lacks confidence in how he feels about you or the relationship that he's in with you, he's prone to risky, unstable, inconsistent, hazardous and even harmful behavior. It's not necessarily that he doesn't love you. It's that he's uncertain about what to do with how he feels. And yes, that — is — dangerous!
Now put a pin in that while I go a bit deeper…
Recently, I had a conversation with a male friend of mine who happens to be a relationship coach. Because he got married fairly late in life (when he turns 50 next year, he'll have been married for five years) and I'm a never-been-married-before marriage life coach who's currently in my mid-40s, we always have riveting conversations on why it seems like so many good women get caught up in men who are not interested in long-term relationships, let alone marriage.
During one of our latest chats, after he asked me why it seems like when we as women know what we want and a man refuses to give it to us, that we won't accept that it boils down to a man not wanting us. I shared the conclusion that I've come to — partly due to observation and partly due to my own experience:
I don't think it's that we can't tell if a man isn't interested. I think it's that we get emotionally invested before doing two things first. One, getting clear about what we want before a man even comes along and two, refusing to get involved with someone unless they want the same things that we do.
That brings me to the title of this article. How can we really determine whether a man is marriage material?
Before trying to figure out if a man complements your lifestyle, shares the same values as you do, or is the one who you want to share the rest of your life with, find out if he wants to be married (or not) FIRST.
I know it sounds simple, elementary even, but you'd be A-MA-ZED by the number of couples I've worked with who have so much contention around this one point. Again, it's not that the man doesn't love his significant other; it's that marriage is pretty much the last thing on his mind.
It's not a goal. It's not a priority. It's not even really much of a desire.
However, because this wasn't something that was discussed off the rip (meaning within the first three dates), the woman figured that because there was a mutual attraction, because they enjoy spending time together, because in many ways he was being really good to her, surely they were building a future together. Meanwhile, all he was really thinking about is how cool things are going in the present. No more, no less. And, since the topic of marriage wasn't put on the table from the beginning, it wasn't a part of his agenda now.
I know I'm gonna get some push back on this, but when a relationship plays out this way, that doesn't make "him" the bad guy. It's a heck of a reality check but just because some of us assume that a long-term relationship should ultimately end in marriage doesn't make it a hardcore fact for the people we're dating.
And that's why I say that the most obvious overlooked indication that a man is truly marriage material is probably that he actually wants to get married. By that I mean he wants to do it without any coaxing (which is usually nagging), coercing, or convincing on the part of his significant other.
What are some telling signs that a man wants to get married?
Is he dating with a purpose (with that purpose being to find a life partner)? Does he say that marriage is a part of his life plan? Is it evident that he's preparing for a wife and family? And — please get this — does he state that he wants to get married sooner than later? (Meaning within a couple of years rather than him saying something along the lines of "I mean…maybe…someday.")
If you can confidently say "yes" to these questions because you've actually asked him and you heard "yes" come out of his own mouth, then yes, he is marriage material.
I already know. If you're in a new relationship, there may be a part of you that feels like this is an uncomfortable topic of conversation to have with a guy. To that, it's my turn to push back.
When you're on a date, are you uncomfortable asking him about his life goals in general? Are you uncomfortable inquiring about where he sees his life in the next year? If you're not, asking him if marriage fits into his life agenda shouldn't bother you either because — catch it — the only kind of man who is irritated by marriage questions is a man who doesn't want to get married.
Think about it. What if you were on a first date with an attractive man and he said, "So, how do you feel about exclusivity in a relationship?" The only way that question would make you go on the defensive is if commitment is something you're not interested in (or you're cheating on your current partner but that's another conversation for another time). Otherwise, you're totally open to sharing your perspective…right?
And that's my point. When a man is ready — equipped, willing, and prepared — for marriage, he's gonna make moves towards making that happen. Like a man does with anything else he wants in his life. But hey, don't take my word for it. Sometimes, in order to really "get" something, we need to see it live and in living color.
That said, when you've got roughly 45 minutes to spare, check out this newly-married couple's story. Long story short, up until their wedding day, she was a virgin and her now-husband waited for her. He was actually so into her that they got married ahead of their wedding day (so that they could live together with a free conscience) and he still was willing to wait to have sex until their "official" wedding date, just so he could keep his word to her that he would wait until then.
MARRIAGE. MATERIAL. Because he wanted to get married and he wanted to marry her — yes, in that order.
Life's too short and you're too precious to be playing the adult version of Blue's Clues with your heart. If you want to get married and you're digging a guy, honor your time, effort, and energy enough to see if he wants to get married too.
If he does, awesome!
If he doesn't, keep it movin'.
If he's unsure, read this article all over again until it really sinks in.
Your future husband — the man who knows that he wants to marry you — will thank you for it. Trust me.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images