One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material
Sometimes, when I'm not able to catch a television show during its premiere, rather than watching it on On Demand, I'll put the title of it into Twitter (in hashtag form) to see what the viewers had to say (because sometimes that's far more entertaining). And bae-bay, there was a quote from a recent episode of Ready To Love that had folks wanting to pass the offering plate around…a couple of times. Drum roll, please:
"An unsure man is a dangerous man."
Let's let that sink in for a moment, shall we? When a man isn't sure — pretty much about anything, but especially when it comes to matters of the heart — he becomes dangerous. Another way to look at this is when a man is uncertain or lacks confidence in how he feels about you or the relationship that he's in with you, he's prone to risky, unstable, inconsistent, hazardous and even harmful behavior. It's not necessarily that he doesn't love you. It's that he's uncertain about what to do with how he feels. And yes, that — is — dangerous!
Now put a pin in that while I go a bit deeper…
Recently, I had a conversation with a male friend of mine who happens to be a relationship coach. Because he got married fairly late in life (when he turns 50 next year, he'll have been married for five years) and I'm a never-been-married-before marriage life coach who's currently in my mid-40s, we always have riveting conversations on why it seems like so many good women get caught up in men who are not interested in long-term relationships, let alone marriage.
During one of our latest chats, after he asked me why it seems like when we as women know what we want and a man refuses to give it to us, that we won't accept that it boils down to a man not wanting us. I shared the conclusion that I've come to — partly due to observation and partly due to my own experience:
I don't think it's that we can't tell if a man isn't interested. I think it's that we get emotionally invested before doing two things first. One, getting clear about what we want before a man even comes along and two, refusing to get involved with someone unless they want the same things that we do.
That brings me to the title of this article. How can we really determine whether a man is marriage material?
Before trying to figure out if a man complements your lifestyle, shares the same values as you do, or is the one who you want to share the rest of your life with, find out if he wants to be married (or not) FIRST.
I know it sounds simple, elementary even, but you'd be A-MA-ZED by the number of couples I've worked with who have so much contention around this one point. Again, it's not that the man doesn't love his significant other; it's that marriage is pretty much the last thing on his mind.
It's not a goal. It's not a priority. It's not even really much of a desire.
However, because this wasn't something that was discussed off the rip (meaning within the first three dates), the woman figured that because there was a mutual attraction, because they enjoy spending time together, because in many ways he was being really good to her, surely they were building a future together. Meanwhile, all he was really thinking about is how cool things are going in the present. No more, no less. And, since the topic of marriage wasn't put on the table from the beginning, it wasn't a part of his agenda now.
I know I'm gonna get some push back on this, but when a relationship plays out this way, that doesn't make "him" the bad guy. It's a heck of a reality check but just because some of us assume that a long-term relationship should ultimately end in marriage doesn't make it a hardcore fact for the people we're dating.
And that's why I say that the most obvious overlooked indication that a man is truly marriage material is probably that he actually wants to get married. By that I mean he wants to do it without any coaxing (which is usually nagging), coercing, or convincing on the part of his significant other.
What are some telling signs that a man wants to get married?
Is he dating with a purpose (with that purpose being to find a life partner)? Does he say that marriage is a part of his life plan? Is it evident that he's preparing for a wife and family? And — please get this — does he state that he wants to get married sooner than later? (Meaning within a couple of years rather than him saying something along the lines of "I mean…maybe…someday.")
If you can confidently say "yes" to these questions because you've actually asked him and you heard "yes" come out of his own mouth, then yes, he is marriage material.
I already know. If you're in a new relationship, there may be a part of you that feels like this is an uncomfortable topic of conversation to have with a guy. To that, it's my turn to push back.
When you're on a date, are you uncomfortable asking him about his life goals in general? Are you uncomfortable inquiring about where he sees his life in the next year? If you're not, asking him if marriage fits into his life agenda shouldn't bother you either because — catch it — the only kind of man who is irritated by marriage questions is a man who doesn't want to get married.
Think about it. What if you were on a first date with an attractive man and he said, "So, how do you feel about exclusivity in a relationship?" The only way that question would make you go on the defensive is if commitment is something you're not interested in (or you're cheating on your current partner but that's another conversation for another time). Otherwise, you're totally open to sharing your perspective…right?
And that's my point. When a man is ready — equipped, willing, and prepared — for marriage, he's gonna make moves towards making that happen. Like a man does with anything else he wants in his life. But hey, don't take my word for it. Sometimes, in order to really "get" something, we need to see it live and in living color.
That said, when you've got roughly 45 minutes to spare, check out this newly-married couple's story. Long story short, up until their wedding day, she was a virgin and her now-husband waited for her. He was actually so into her that they got married ahead of their wedding day (so that they could live together with a free conscience) and he still was willing to wait to have sex until their "official" wedding date, just so he could keep his word to her that he would wait until then.
MARRIAGE. MATERIAL. Because he wanted to get married and he wanted to marry her — yes, in that order.
Life's too short and you're too precious to be playing the adult version of Blue's Clues with your heart. If you want to get married and you're digging a guy, honor your time, effort, and energy enough to see if he wants to get married too.
If he does, awesome!
If he doesn't, keep it movin'.
If he's unsure, read this article all over again until it really sinks in.
Your future husband — the man who knows that he wants to marry you — will thank you for it. Trust me.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images