5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes
OK. Raise your hand if you know that you've dated—or worse, completely fallen in love with—a commitment-phobe. You know the type—uber-charming, great on dates, sometimes even better in bed. Fine. Funny. Ambitious. On so many levels, he seems like the perfect catch.
That's until you're a few months in and you discover that he doesn't like to plan more than a week in advance, he can't remember the last time he was in a serious relationship, he hates using titles, he doesn't have many close connections (to family, friends, or anyone else) and, anything that sounds even close to the "L" word is like a cuss word to him.
No matter how hot 'n heavy things were in the beginning, give it half a year (if he sticks around even that long) and if he doesn't get ghost on you, you'll find yourself getting tired of having the same "So, what are we doing? Where is this going?" conversation/argument with him.
As a result, things end. Problem is, not too much time goes by before you find yourself in this same kind of situationship with another guy who also displays the signs of being a commitment-phobe.
What's the problem? I'm not talking about with him. I'm talking about with you.
Why do you find yourself constantly attracting commitment-phobes into your head and heart space? From personal experience, I've got a few reasons that you should think long and hard about.
You’ve Got Daddy (or Mama) Issues
One of my favorite quotes is "Adulthood is about surviving childhood." While I wish that wasn't the case, the reality is a lot of us didn't see healthy relationships as children.
If your parents were never together or they divorced when you were young (and if that is the case, check out "Effects of Divorce on Children's Future Relationships"), sometimes it can either make you attract a situation that is similar to the one your parents had or cause you to work overtime to try and convince someone to commit to you because you may not know what reciprocity in a relationship looks like.
Not to say that this reason applies to everyone, but if you're constantly in "relationships" with guys who won't commit to you, looking back at what your parents modeled to you certainly can't hurt.
Relationships Are More Like Projects for You
Listen, whomever came up with the whole "I can change him" motive for being with a man who already shows serious red flags, they should be committed; not to a man but to an institution. Not only is it unhealthy—and semi-manipulative—to try and make someone be what you want rather than accepting them for who they are or moving on to someone else, but it also turns them into a project.
A person shouldn't be a project.
If you can't recall the last time you dated someone and the goal wasn't to try and turn them something else, no wonder you keep attracting commitment-phobes. You're not dating guys who are ready for the kind of relationship you desire. You're choosing guys who you think show the potential of wanting a relationship. Maybe. Someday. To a commitment-phobe, "someday" can be an eternity.
You Don’t Treat the First Three Dates Like (Semi) Interviews
I don't care what anyone says, the first few dates are interviews in a comfortable setting. You're both trying to figure out if you're mutually-attracted, if you have similar values, and if you want the same things when it comes to a relationship.
If you're giving me "push back" on this point because you're thinking I don't want to put too much pressure on him so early on, guess what? You're signing up for him being on one page, you being on another, and possibly discovering two years from now that you totally wasted your time.
One of the best ways to not get involved with a commitment-phobe is to 1) ask a guy what his last serious relationship was like and 2) ask him if he's looking for one—and yes, to do this during the first three dates with him.
If when it comes to the first question, he has no idea and with the second one, he says he wants something casual…take him at what he said. FACE VALUE. Otherwise, you're headed towards kickin' it with at least a pseudo commitment-phobe. I'm 98 percent sure of it.
You Never REQUIRE Reciprocity
Reciprocity is a mutual exchange. You plan a date; then he plans one. You call to say, "Good morning"; he texts to say, "Good night." He knows your love language is "Words of Affirmation", so he sends you cards. You know his is "Quality Time" so you go to a few games with him. Relationships that have reciprocity in them don't need to go "tit-for-tat" to keep up with who's doing what. Things are so balanced, it's hard to keep up anyway.
But when you're the one doing most of the work, not only does this show that you are more committed than he is; it also reveals that he has no intentions of doing more than what he already is. And you know what? Chances are, if you pulled all the way back, you'd see he's not doing much. (He probably never was.)
A commitment-phobe will stick around for a woman who will give her all without REQUIRING he do the same.
A man who wants a commitment will be bothered if he's not consistently doing his part. Then he will rise to the occasion so that mutuality is evident—to you both.
You’re Afraid of Commitment (and Don’t Even Know It)
A lot of women who attract commitment-phobes don't realize that it's because they aren't as ready for a commitment as they might think.
Case in point—if a woman who really wanted to be married went on a first date with a guy who said that the thought of being a husband makes him break out into hives, her response would be along the lines of "Thanks for dinner. Take care." It's nothing personal. He simply doesn't want what she does. Why waste time?
If you are in the hamster wheel of dating commitment-phobes, ask yourself if you want to be in something serious as much as you think. Maybe you keep picking men who are wishy-washy about relationships because it's easier to blame them if things don't work out than to look within to ask, "If I want something long-term, why am I constantly settling for the opposite?"
I can personally vouch for the fact that the moment you're like, "I want what I want and I can wait until I get it", the commitment-phobes will start to evaporate. You may not get as many texts or go on as many dates but hey—you're after quality not quantity, right?
Someone who is committed to more than a date this weekend. Someone who wants just what you want—a healthy and happy long-term relationship.
No hesitation. No excuses. No phobia.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy