Sometimes curiosity doesn't kill the cat the first time around.
So that curious cat tries it again with a life journey in mind, however, this time around, the curious cat is met with a lesson. I didn't really understand why I would hear some women say, "Don't live with a man while in a relationship." And after two tries, eventually the lesson was realized and then eventually learned.
The beginning starts the same every time, there is excitement, which is then followed by the realization that we are two different individuals sharing the same space, so we now need to have a conversation about likes and dislikes in the home. At some point, there needs to be a conversation about roles in the home and setting up a home management system.
Time starts to fly, and you look up and years have passed.
Comfort sets in from both parties and you eventually realize that the conversation of taking your relationship to the next level is now a much-needed conversation. Now, this is typically when you realize that the original conversation regarding the goals of this particular relationship sounds nothing like it sound years ago when you two first moved in together.
This is normally when you start to hear things like, "Well, I meannnnn, we talked about this two years ago and you said you weren't ready," "I'm just not where I want to be in life to provide the life you deserve," or "Well, you know I'm trying to get myself together so you can have your dream wedding."
This is when you respond with, "I wasn't two years ago, but I am now. Also, I don't want a wedding, and I love the life we live so what are we waiting for?" After this statement, be ready for the most off-the-wall answer possible like, "You know I told you we would get married right after I hit the lottery, got my Ph.D., became the second black president, and met Jay-Z."
Sis, the excuse may be bizarre, but what he is really saying is that he is comfortable and is not ready to get married. You can wait it out but if he is not ready, he is not going to budge. I know you have heard why buy the cow when the milk is free, meaning that majority of what he needs from a mate you are providing, so why get married? We as women (me included) will give so much of ourselves in a relationship. We'll clean the house, wash his dirty draws, solve his problems, and put it down to keep him happy. Personally, in this situation, I realized that I was no longer valued or appreciated by my partner.
There was too much comfort in knowing that I would be there physically and mentally for him at all times.
Eventually, it started to seem as though whatever could be said to prolong the current situation without progressing into anything further was said. But Auntie Maya Angelou told me that when you know better, you do better.
I eventually realized the cycle, the comfort, and started to become distant so that I could get clear on what I wanted as a woman. I started to journal and realized my relationship cycles of living with my boyfriends and how these actions weren't working for me. Eventually, we decided to respectfully go our separate ways and end the relationship.
The relationship ended, however, the lesson was learned.
What was the lesson, you ask? The lesson was that in relationships I have to put boundaries on how much I give in a relationship.
Giving so much of myself to the point of being an in-home girlfriend that's playing the role of a wife was not the path that was destined for me.
Once you learn the lesson, grow from it, vow to never do it again, and most importantly, move on! Shortly after, I took my love of writing and re-purposed my blog to empower other women rather they are in their single season or in a relationship. I'm living my life for me, not the half-love I settled for from men who didn't know true value when it was standing right in front of him. In the process of him failing to see me, I learned to see myself.
I left the relics of him and men like him in the past. I walk the earth with a head held high in purpose, and most importantly, now that I know better, I do better.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org