8 Things To Discuss Before Moving In With Your Partner
With today's rising rent, the topic of cohabitation tends to swirl around quite a bit.
Sharing an apartment with your boyfriend or girlfriend combines two things we all love - our boo and saving money. But even if money is not the main driving force, taking this step can be life-changing and either be the beginning of something amazing or something you wish never happened. It's about building a life with someone, creating a home together, and starting off on a journey that very often leads to marriage, family, and all that other Happily Ever After stuff.
Last year, my boyfriend and I moved in together. It wasn't our first time around that block, each having been briefly married previously. But, despite what we knew about the process, we still had a lot to learn about each other. The dating process tends to create this lovely filter, catching all things deal-breaking and fear inducing. You put your best foot forward and then go home and return to the version of yourself that no one else sees. If you're thinking about taking this step, you should also be ready to pull back that filter and embrace what's real. My advice is to sit down with your potential new roomie and have a sincere conversation about the immediate future. Here are a few talking points to get you started.
Decide What Moving In Together Means
Straight out the gate, this should be the very first thing discussed. If it isn't already implied or clearly understood for both of you, take the time to do that. Does moving in mean marriage? Does moving in mean saving money and keeping things loose? Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and, therefore, so do relationship expectations. Leave room for change, because things will evolve along the way. Have this conversation often and openly. Living together takes dating into a space that will affect your very livelihood. Merging means change and change requires trust. Of all the many ways you'll have to compromise, this is not one.
What About Your Friends?
You're not just moving in with another person, you're moving in with another person's entire life. Their social circle is likely an important part of that life and one that very well may be at your doorstep on occasion. Its safe to assume that if you and your partner are already talking about living together, that you've met each other's entourage so take a moment to bring up any concerns therewithin. Do you have a friend who creeps him out? Does he need to vacate the premises when you host your bi-monthly brunch? How will your home be opened up to each other's circle of friends is important to discuss. This won't just be your space, after all, so the level of comfort you both have in your home is equally important.
Make An Agreement About Household Chores
My advice when it comes to household chores? Assign them like it's mama's house. Who cooks and on what days? Who does the dishes? Assuming that these things will work themselves out is the quickest way to play yourself. Sure, on a good day everyone offers to be as helpful as possible. But when life gets hectic, irritating, or strained, the volunteering tends to stop. Eliminate the guesswork by deciding in advance who will do what. Three days a week, I make dinner (because my partner gets home from work late). On those days, he does the dishes. I do most of the meal planning and he handles garbage and recycling. We've had arguments about a lot of things, but dinner and dishes has never been one of them.
Define Your Social Expectations
Moving in together should not be the beginning of your life as co-hermits - okay, maybe during the cold months. But in general, living together should be a way in which you both get to experience a new level of commitment. There are new requirements and new roles and one of those is the role of social supporter. Push each other to stay engaged in all the things they were before the move. Be each other's cheerleader when the energy to get up and go is low. Be each other's activity partner even if the activity isn't your fave. Coupledom slows life down a bit and brings you home when you otherwise would have gone out. Finding the balance is the difference between being a Netflix and Chill couple and a Power Couple.
Create An Emergency Only Exit Strategy
We can't talk about the beginning of something without talking about it's potential end. Things happen and sometimes relationships don't work out. The finger-pointing and back and forth that come with a breakup shouldn't have to muddle logistics. From the very beginning, outline who keeps the apartment, who keeps the couch, and who keeps the deposit. This also frees you both from feeling any uncertainty about your living situation should you feel the relationship needs to end. There's nothing worse than having to stay somewhere you don't want to, simply because you can't afford to leave.
Cleaning Under the Rug
Time to talk about that argument you had a few months ago that never got resolved. Or admit to each other what pet peeves have been driving you up the wall. It doesn't have to be serious, but take the time to air things out. Whatever isn't getting talked about now, can find its way back in later, possibly in the form of an eruption. You won't have the "safety" of retreating to your seperate corners now that all of your corners will be shared. So, bite the bullet and keep it all the way real in the name of love.
Have An Awkward Conversation About Money
Around the time we started looking for apartments, my boyfriend and I had an awkward conversation about credit. It was one of those, "Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine" situations where we both walked away knowing way more about each other than we had before. But in the end, being honest about finances has been a benefit to our growth. We also talked about how household expenses would be divided. It doesn't always have to be about how money is spent, you can also discuss how your money can grow together. Plan out an investment strategy so that even in the event of a break up, you both walk away winners.
Define Your Deal-Breakers.
Everyone has a line (or two) that absolutely cannot be crossed. Cheating, lies, bad habits that affect others - whatever it is, make it clear that a violation will result in the relationship ending. It's way too easy to feel a sigh of relief once keys have been exchanged and mail has been forwarded. It can give the false illusion that the relationship is permanent, when in reality, no relationship is permanent when it's mistreated. This might be a conversation you have with yourself before you have it with bae, but at some point, it's important to show your worth and lay out what won't be tolerated.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It’s been nearly twenty years since India.Arie’s crown anthem, “I am not my hair,” gave Black women an affirmation to live by. What followed was a natural hair revolution that birthed a new level of self-love and acceptance. Concerns around how to better care for our hair birthed an entire new generation of entrepreneurs who benefitted from the power of the Black dollar. Retailers made room for product lines made for us, by us, on their shelves, and we further affirmed that though our hair doesn’t define us, it is part of our unique self-expression.
Today, that movement has turned into a wig uprising where Black women are able to experiment with colors, styles, and more without causing irreparable damage to our hair. It could even be said that we’ve arrived at a new level of acceptance: one that does not equate love of oneself to one’s willingness or lack thereof to wear her hair the way others deem acceptable. Not even other people who look like us.
However, as with Blackness itself, the issue of Black women’s hair is layered.
On the surface, it’s nothing more than a matter of personal preference. However, in a deeper dive, issues of texture, curl pattern, and of course, proximity to social acceptance, as well as other runoff streams from the waters of racism and patriarchy, rear their heads. The natural hair movement, though a wide-reaching and liberating community builder, also gave way to colorism and often upheld mainstream beauty standards.
Sometimes, favoring lighter-skinned influencers/creators with very specific hair textures, the white gaze leaked into our safe space and forced us to reckon with it. Accurate representations of natural hair in various states of being—undefined curls, kinks, and unlaid edges—are still absent from brand marketing. Protective styles, though intended to provide breaks from styling for our sensitive hair, have become a mask to help our hair be more palatable. A figurative straddle of the fence in order to appease the comfort of others in the face of our hair’s power.
And then there’s the issue of length.
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As a woman who has spent much of the last decade voluntarily wearing her hair in many variations of short hairstyles, from a pixie cut to a curly fro and a sleek bob, what I’ve gleaned throughout the years is that there is a glaring difference between how I am treated when wearing my hair short than when I opt for weaves, extensions or even grow it out slightly longer than my chin.
The differential treatment comes from women and men alike and spans professional and personal settings, including friends, coworkers, and industry peers.
What has become abundantly clear is that long hair is often conflated with beauty, softness, and any number of other words we relate to femininity in a way that short hair is not. That perceived marker of the essence of womanhood shows up in how I am received, communicated with, and complimented.
Even more so than texture, length has a way of deciding who among us is deserving of our attention, affection, and adoration. Whether naturally grown or proudly bought, the commentary around someone’s look or image greatly shifts when “inches” are present.
When it comes to long hair, we really, really do care.
In an effort to understand whether I had simply been misinterpreting the energy around my hair, I decided to take my findings to social media. I began with two side-by-side photos of myself. In both pictures, my hair is straightened; however, in one, I am wearing my signature pixie cut, and in the other, I am wearing extensions.
I posited that treatment based on hair length is a real thing, and what followed was confirmation that I was not alone in my feelings. “Long hair, like light skin, button noses, and being thin are all forms of social capital,” one user commented. “Some Black women enforce the status quo too, why wouldn’t we?”
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This also brought to mind the many times celebrity women (like most recently Beyoncé's Cécred hair tutorial) have done big reveals of their own natural tresses in an attempt to silence any doubt that Black women are able to grow their hair beyond a certain length. Of course, we all know that to be true, so why do we still feel the need to prove it so?
The responses continued to pour in from women of all skin tones, who felt that hair length played a role in people’s treatment of them. “When I have short hair I always feel like people don’t treat me like a woman, they treat me like a kid,” another user commented. “When my hair is long I get a lot more respect for some reason.”
From revelations about feeling invisible to admitted shifts in their own perceived beauty, Black woman after Black woman poured out her experience as it relates to hair length. Though affirmed by their shared realities, knowing that reactions to something so trivial have become yet another hair battle for Black women to fight was disheartening. Though we continue to defy gravity and push the bounds of imagination and creativity by way of our strands, will it always be in response to the idea that we are, somehow, falling short?
Unlike more obvious instances of hair discrimination, the glorification of longer length is sneakier in its connection to Eurocentric beauty standards. Hair commercials, beauty ads, and even hip-hop music have long celebrated the idea of gloriously long tresses while holding onto the ignorant notion that it is inaccessible for Black women.
Even as we continue to fight to prove our hair professional, elegant, and worthy in its natural state to the world at large, we’ve also adopted harmful value markers of our own as a community. It’s evident in how we talk about who has the right to start a haircare line and which influencers we easily platform. It’s evident in the language we use to identify those with long hair versus short hair. And it’s painfully obvious in how we treat one another.
It makes me wonder if India.Arie’s brave rallying cry, almost two decades old in its existence, will ever actually hold true for us. Or will we just continue to invent new ways to uphold the harmful status quo?
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Feature image by Willie B. Thomas/ Getty Images