Mental health awareness is at an all-time high with many of us seeking self-improvement and healing with the support of therapists. Tucked away in cozy offices, or in the comfort of our own homes, millions of women receive the tools needed to navigate our emotions, relate to those around us, or simply exist in a judgment-free space.
For some, finding a therapist is as simple as pulling up a website, reading a few bios, and choosing a clinician. But for many Black women, finding a therapist that sees us as the multi-faceted beings that we are, and understands our unique experiences, can be a precarious affair. Therapists and clients are bound together by respect, trust, and vulnerability. And just like any relationship, it’s a delicate dance to find the right clinician that gives you the space to show up as your authentic self while maintaining a healthy, productive connection.
xoNecole recently chatted with seven women about the process they took to find the therapist that was ‘The One’ and how therapy has impacted them. Here’s what they had to say.
Destiny Oribhabor
Writer, Speaker
Courtesy of Destiny Oribhabor
My first time going to therapy was around 10-12 years ago and it has literally changed my life. It led to internal healing from emotional baggage and childhood wounds. It helped me become self-aware about myself and my triggers. It helped me have hard conversations with family members, which has led to those relationships being restored. Therapy has also reminded me that healing is a continuous cycle and there is no shame when you have to go back to therapy.
I’ve had various counseling stints over the past 12 years, and I’ve gone the recommendation and directory route. I had a 15-minute consultation to understand the counselor’s process before committing my time and coins! The consultations are so important because you get a peek into that particular counselor’s process. On my journey, my preference has been that my counselor must be a Christian counselor. As I have evolved, my preference changed to a Christian counselor who was also Black. I knew that I wanted a counselor that would give me homework, and also give me tools that I could use after the sessions. My counselor not only helped me with identifying the root (hello, childhood) but also provided tools and affirmations that helped me process when I was in a moment.
Due to the pandemic, I saw a counselor for several months last year who created space for me. Upon getting to the root of my battle with unworthiness and savior complex, she saw through when I would apologize for my tears and emotions. She could see through the times I would try to act unbothered. She stated, “These 50 minutes are for you and you can cuss, be angry and not be okay.”
When she spoke to the part of me that tends to want to be strong for everyone and allowed me to be a mess, it broke me open in the best way! She gently challenged me, and that’s how I knew this was whom I needed to work with. I would tell another woman who doesn’t gel with her counselor that it is absolutely normal. Not every counselor is a good fit. When I learned about doing a pre-interview or consult before committing, that changed the game for me.
Yasmine Cheyenne
Author, Self-Healing Educator
Courtesy of Yasmine Cheyenne
Therapy has been the safe place that I know I can come to and share how I feel, receive advice or feedback, and truly be seen and heard. It's a non-reciprocal relationship, unlike friendships or relationships we might have with our family, so therapy is also one of the few places where I'm coming to get space held for me and not having to do any holding in return. As a healer, teacher, and coach it was imperative that I create spaces like that for myself, to ensure I'm filling myself up too. I think it's important to research the kinds of therapy that you're interested in (i.e. EMDR therapy, Trauma-Informed Therapists, Art Therapist, etc.) because it's helpful to see a therapist who is going to be able to support you in the way that feels most comfortable for you.
I've also used directories like Therapy for Black Girls or The Daring Way directory by Dr. Brené Brown to find therapists certified in particular ways of supporting clients. I wanted a therapist who had experience in supporting people who were already in wellness or primarily see therapists. Although I'm not a therapist, I support my clients through coaching and teaching self-healing, and I knew I needed a therapist who could support my unique needs.
"Therapy has been the safe place that I know I can come to and share how I feel, receive advice or feedback, and truly be seen and heard. It's a non-reciprocal relationship, unlike friendships or relationships we might have with our family, so therapy is also one of the few places where I'm coming to get space held for me and not having to do any holding in return."
I knew I found a therapist I could trust and wanted to work with when I recognized her ability to help me dig deeper with kindness, when I could feel understood without judgement, when I was able to apply what I was learning in my life with more ease, and when I felt held and safe throughout our sessions. I also love therapists who uphold strong boundaries and ensure that the session is a safe space for me to unpack, not me listening to their personal stories unless it is useful to the session.
[If you don’t gel with your current therapist] talk to your therapist about your feelings because they may be able to help you feel more at ease when they understand what you're experiencing. But if they aren't able to understand what you need, or if you don't start to feel a better connection, start looking for a new therapist. It's tough to get what you need out of therapy when you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, so advocate for yourself and look for something different that feels good!
Nicola Ajayi
Entrepreneur, On-Air Host
Courtesy of Nicola Ajayi
I’ve used therapy services in two different instances. The first was in conjunction with my husband in couples therapy. I also used therapy services as an individual when I was experiencing so many life stressors and needed resources and ways to help me manage them. In couples therapy, my husband and I learned ways to be patient with each other while giving grace for each other’s faults, how to actively listen to each other, and how to be empathetic to each other’s feelings and needs. Individual therapy allowed me to identify my “triggers” before I reached the boiling point and most importantly gave me a safe space to air my deep thoughts and feelings.
I think it’s so important to go to a therapist who shares the same values as you. First and foremost I knew I wanted a therapist who was a Christian, and I found both of my therapists by Googling Christian counseling in my area. I needed someone who tied the Word of God into our sessions as well as give us practical, everyday tools to utilize on a day-to-day basis. For marriage counseling, I specifically wanted a male therapist who was married with a family because I felt like my husband would relate to him more. For my individual sessions, I chose a female therapist who was married and had a family because I knew she and I would understand each other the most.
I thoroughly scoured my therapists’ websites and bios before deciding to hire them. I wanted to make sure they had the qualities listed above before even attending the first session. During the first trial session, I knew I would continue with both of them because in both instances I felt “understood” and heard. I never felt rushed or felt like they were not actively listening to me, which in turn allowed me to feel free to open up and let my guard down.
My advice for a woman who doesn’t gel with her current therapist would be to speak to them about her feelings to see why there is a disconnect. If you still don’t feel as if you gel during the next session, find someone else! After all, you are paying for a service so you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t get every benefit from your time together!
Dr. Eleanor Khonje
Professor, Speaker
Courtesy of Dr. Eleanor Khonje
I went to therapy at a point in my life when I knew that therapy was really the only thing that was going to help me. After leaving an abusive marriage, I was completely broken. I was in the midst of finishing my Ph.D. when I decided to leave this relationship. I was working full-time for an international organization, and as wounded as I was, I knew that I could not afford to let anything in my life slip by or get out of control.
If I was going to move ahead powerfully, I needed to understand why I made so many excuses for such bad behavior from my ex. I needed to understand why I could be as smart as I am, have so much knowledge about feminist politics and gender-based violence, and yet could not discern that what I was experiencing at home was violence. And thank God I went to therapy because I got the answers I needed.
"I went to therapy at a point in my life when I knew that therapy was really the only thing that was going to help me... If I was going to move ahead powerfully, I needed to understand why I made so many excuses for such bad behavior from my ex."
A close friend of mine suggested the particular therapist I worked with. She worked with her in the past and assured me that, if anything, I should at least try her out. I initially thought it did not matter whether my therapist was female or male. [Because] I live in Switzerland, I definitely did not even think about a Black female therapist because I did not know where I would go to find one. I really needed a safe space where I could cry and cry without judgment and a space that would help me understand where my brokenness was coming from and how I could resolve it. But after carefully thinking about it, I knew I needed a female therapist.
My therapist was not someone I could potentially be friends with, she was not someone I particularly went home and talked about because I thought she was amazing. My therapist was a professional, whose role was to help me find solutions to my problems and find ways I could effectively move ahead. In that light, if I felt like she was not qualified to help me dismantle my emotions and heaviness, I would have left to find someone who would. I don’t need to be your friend, and I honestly don’t even need you to look like me, per se. But are you knowledgeable enough to help me resolve my stuff? Depending on that answer, I would advise another woman to find another therapist or change her mindset [on what she wants].
Emelda De Coteau
Writer, Podcast Host
Courtesy of Emelda De Coteau
Being in therapy is helping me address some core issues, which have shown up in my life, again and again—people-pleasing (which has some of its roots in childhood sexual trauma), setting healthy boundaries, and releasing mom guilt. My therapist also supports me in navigating the experiences of caring for our daughter who has some health challenges, while being there for my Dad, who is in at-home hospice care, all while juggling being a wife and entrepreneur. In the past, I asked friends [for recommendations]. More recently, I decided to head to Therapy for Black Girls, and do a deeper dive. I am so glad I took that additional step!
I wanted someone I could both connect with and relate to on a fundamental level. I felt an internal pull to prioritize working with a Black woman therapist who valued mindfulness as a practice, alongside faith and building a relationship with God. I wanted to find someone who could relate to my experience as a Black woman living in America and understood the importance of a holistic trauma-informed approach. And most importantly, I sought out a therapist who would hold me accountable, and walk alongside me on this journey of healing.
Throughout our first meeting, I felt an immediate sense of connection, like this woman understands me! She took time to read through the paperwork I submitted, asked follow-up questions, and set treatment goals with me. During our sessions, she also steers me towards action steps so that I am always growing and putting into practice new, healthy habits.
Don’t wait to find someone who speaks to your spirit, and will listen to you. Pray for guidance, but don’t use this as an excuse not to move forward. Our mental health is the foundation of all that we do, and it’s important we prioritize caring for it. Connect with communities like the one I’m part of, Spoken Black Girl, which centers on healing and well-being for Black women. They now have a directory where you can find women of color therapists and wellness providers.
Minaa B.
Therapist, Wellness Coach
Courtesy of Minaa B.
Therapy has helped me build my emotional self-care and has helped me to manage the emotional challenges and roadblocks that I face in life. Overall, therapy has been a useful tool in helping me live in alignment with the growth and evolution that I desire. I used the directory PsychologyToday.com to connect with my therapist, but I believe word of mouth can be a great and useful strategy as well.
Personally, because I am a therapist myself, I specifically looked for a therapist who has worked with other therapists and has experience treating the issues that I am presenting with, and can provide guidance and educational insight. Working with a client who is also a therapist can be a unique experience so it's something I prefer to know upfront when talking to a therapist.
Our consultation call was warm and inviting, and she immediately knew how to address some of the needs and issues that I had. A first session is a big impression to make, and because I found her to be useful early on, it made it easier to trust the process as I continued on.
To be straightforward, find a new one [if you don’t gel with your current therapist]. There are too many good therapists out there and it makes no sense to force a relationship with someone who you have to pay and share intimate details of your life with if there is no trust or a genuine connection. Shopping around might be tiresome, but it's worth it.
Dr. Akua Boateng
Psychotherapist, Mental Health Media Expert
Courtesy of Dr. Akua Boateng
Therapy has provided me with a safe sounding board for all aspects of my life. I have a place where I am heard, seen, and valued. As a therapist, it can be a challenge to find a good fit. Fortunately, a colleague referred me to my therapist. I was looking for a Black therapist that was well trained, immensely compassionate, and with a similar cultural background to better understand my lived experience.
I knew I found the right therapist when I felt comfortable and experienced growth toward my goals. I would advise you to talk with your therapist [if there is a disconnect]. There might be reasons for the misalignment. Next, if challenges cannot be fixed pursue a therapist that serves you. Believe it or not, your current therapist wants you to find the right fit as well.
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Featured image courtesy of Yasmine Cheyenne
Originally published on May 16, 2022
RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
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Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
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These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
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