It was almost this time last year that I wrote "Wanna Start Your Own T-Shirt Line? 7 Pros Will Show You How" for the site. I make no apologies for the fact that I am borderline obsessed with a good unisex, Bella Canvas, T-shirt in a large, that has a great message on it. I just like how tees give you the ability to convey a message without saying a single word. Well, aside from the not-lucky-but-blessed sweatshirt, Black Dope Marriage Coach and Harpo, Who Dis Woman? tees that I recently copped, something that I've also been looking for is a T-shirt that represents a woman who I personally think handles herself in such a phenomenal fashion that her name is actually gonna be used as a verb in my life (like "Girl, you just Ava'd that!") all of this year —Ava DuVernay.
To get into all that she's accomplished as a filmmaker and film distributor would require more than just one article. For now, I'll just say that if you're a fan of the OWN seriesQueen Sugar, thank Ava. If the series based on the Central Park Five,When They See Us, completely moved to you to anger, then tears, then admiration for the strength of the five men in the story, thank Ava. Selma? That's what earned her the bestowed title of being the first Black woman to be nominated for a Golden Globe Award for Best Director and also best director when it came to the Academy Award for Best Picture in 2014. Maybe Black Love on your television screen is what you seek. Thanks to Ava, via her upcoming OWN drama,Cherish the Day, you're all set.
Honestly, to even begin to grasp all that Ava's accomplished, you'd need to get a glass of wine, curl up on the couch and review her Wikipedia page and website (not necessarily in that order either). For now, I'll just say that if you're a creative who's looking for some inspiration to breakout and do something that a shirt that I like says ("Keep Creating Dope Ass S—t 'Til Someone Notices"), unequivocally, Ava can serve as your muse. Case in point:
Can you tell I'm a fan? Indeed, I am. But today, it's not actually her resume that I want to get into. Rather, I'd like to simply take a little bit of your time to express why I personally find her name (Ava, if somehow you end up reading this, have you seenthis T-shirt before? At first I thought it was about you) to be a verb—"a word that represents an action or a state of being". Because how she appears to move—as a woman who is gracious, focused, fearless, private and totally unbothered—is just how I want to handle whatever 2020 brings my way.
She's Gracious
To be gracious is to be "pleasantly kind, benevolent, and courteous". Even though Ava's Netflix series When They See Us did not earn a Golden Globe nomination (I'll touch a little more on that at the end of this piece), if you hop on over to Ava's Twitter page, you'll see her posting words of gratitude to folks like Brad Pitt and Robert De Niro for being co-executive producers on Selma and shouting out other accomplished individuals like Patricia Cardoso who is the first Latina director to be included in the National Film Registry at the Library of Congress. Interestingly enough, I'm not the only one who thinks that "gracious" is an appropriate adjective for her (click here for a really cool example).
There are a lot of narcissists in this world. Selfish and self-absorbed people too. It's a real gift if you've got the ability to still remember to be kind, to help others and shoot—to be freakin' polite. How cool is it that someone with the accolades that Ava has still makes the time to be thankful, supportive and to celebrate others? That is a trait all of us should have. No doubt about it.
She's Focused
If you want to see Ava in a not-so-formal setting, check out herShine On with Reese (that would be Witherspoon) interview from 2018. She talks about her first job being at a yogurt place, working as a publicist and not even picking up a camera until 32. Something that really stood out to me is her expressing just how much she loves what she does and how, "Your change from one career to another doesn't have to be all at once. It definitely and should be progressive." She also talks about "cobbling through" her film school experience for herself without ever sitting in a classroom (I can relate. I flunked out of college twice and still became a writer; we'll have to talk about that on another day). Instead, she said that she watched over 200 DVD commentaries of directors and determined in her mind, "I only have what's inside of me, and I had to be able to tell myself 'That's enough'."
Talk about drive. Talk about ambition. Talk about focus. No wonder she's able to introduce us to a new project—not just project but quality project—every time we blink. No wonder she also has the time to advocate for others (see "Ava Duvernay Just Hired A 50% Female Production Staff For Her New Series On OWN"). She's a living and breathing reminder that when you are crystal clear about your purpose and how it is designed to affect as well as benefit other people, it's hard to get distracted by…fame, trolls, critics, obstacles or even your own self-doubt. Focus y'all. Stay. Focused.
She's Fearless
There is a doctor by the name of Ashish Patel who once said, "The elegance under pressure is the result of fearlessness." Man, if this doesn't embody Ava, I don't know what does because, looka here—if you never considered her to be fearless before, you should hang out on her Twitter page more often. Shoot, just the straight-up read alone that she dished out to Ms. Megan Kelly and the tweet she sent out to Jack (the CEO of Twitter) to hold y'all's president accountable are enough examples to remind us that our platform should be about more than stacking up followers. We should each use our gifts, talents, social media accounts and influence to stand up for what we believe in, to push back on things that we don't agree with, and to seek justice in the areas we are truly passionate about.
And what if we're disliked for it? Something tells me that Ava doesn't lose a lot of sleep over questions like that. Something tells me she's more in the lane of Margaret Thatcher—"If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything, at any time—and you would achieve nothing." That'll preach. A billion times over.
She's Private
I want to say that Ava tweeted it out herself sometime last year, but something that I find to be really cool about her is she's consistently active on social media; not her "team"—her. Still, you don't really know all that much about her personal life. Her Twitter bio says that she's (currently) a "Mom of 10" (she's referring to her creative babies). Her bio tells you that she's from Long Beach, California and her alma mater is the University of California. Still, you really don't know much more than that. Is she seeing someone? We don't know. What's her net worth? Rumors say that it's somewhere around (whew!) $60 million, but I've never heard her bring it up. We do know her age and, since she was born in 1972 (she's a Virgo, by the way), I totally get why she wanted everyone to nix the whole "Auntie Ava" thing. Per this tweet, I think she's a vegan. I'm assuming her favorite color may be black (only because I see her in it a lot). But really, what can we confirm?
And that's what I think is so dope. For the most part, all you know about Ava is related to her art—and her advocating for others; oh, and her sometimes putting folks in check. It's like she totally embodies a quote by an author named Katherine Neville— "Privacy—like eating and breathing—is one of life's basic requirements." To be able to pull that off in a world that is oh-so-very-nosey, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, is a feat within itself. Then to be able to be private in a way where folks feel connected to you without them being in all of your business? That's an art form. One that more of us could stand to adapt, don't cha think?
She's Totally Unbothered
*le sigh* The Golden Globes. Yeah, I'll spare y'all my soapbox thoughts on that awards program (or the politics of award shows, in general). What I will say is when I saw some of what was nominated while When They See Us was overlooked, I couldn't help but to immediately conjure up some of my own conspiracy theories. It really is crazy, just how much a lot of this world would rather be entertained—mindlessly so—than inspired. But you know what? I did get another Ava-related takeaway from it. If Omarion won the Totally Unbothered Award for 2019 (and he did), Ava has to at least be nominated for 2020. Just peep her tweet about the awards show (see above). Look at how she chose to look at it.
I don't personally know Ava, so I can't speak to why she's so calm, cool and collected about everything. But what I can do is speak to how her energy ministers to me personally—"Shellie, stick to your purpose, do your best and be your own biggest fan. If you commit to doing those things, not only will you be untouchable but unstoppable." Y'all, being unbothered is a superpower because it keeps you centered, balanced and able to keep pressing forward. We ALL need to be on that tip this year. Each and every one of us.
Something else that Ava once said is, "I love to see people just being regal in their own skin; it's just when they know who they are." Regal. Some synonyms for that word include royal, majestic and sublime. When you see yourself in this fashion, it's a lot easier to walk through this life, both online as well as off, yep—totally unbothered.
So yeah, call this a "jock piece" if you want. I don't care. The energy frequency that Ms. Ava DuVernay is on, that is what I totally aspire to this year. So, if somebody can point me in the direction of a really cool portrait T-shirt with her on it, I'd be grateful (sidebar, I'm on the hunt for a Yara Shahidi one too). For me, it's symbolic of the fact that you know you're truly on task when you motivate others.
Ava, big ups for doing that. Keep walking in your greatness, holding people accountable with your tweets and, in some ways, keeping us wondering. It's a part of your charm. Not only can I dig it. I totally appreciate it. It inspires me. It really does. Thank you.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
When They See Us: 5 Things You Didn't Know About The Central Park Five
What The Year Of 4 Has In Store For Your 2020 Energy
'A Wrinkle In Time' Is Representation Black Girls Need
Ava DuVernay Reps for 'All the Sisters' In Elle-- And It's Everything!
Feature image by Shutterstock
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
Riska/Getty Images
1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
Riska/Getty Images
19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by
Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
ArtMarie/Getty Images
Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
Rich Fury/Getty Images for Fenty Beauty & Fenty Skin
These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by vitapics/Getty Images