One topic of conversation that I find myself in when talking with girlfriends is dating. Questions like, “Why is dating so hard? “Will I ever get married?” “Why am I still single?” usually comes up, and then it turns into a whole venting session with everyone sharing their dating woes. Honestly, it’s tiring. However, I can’t help but wonder why are so many of us in the same boat. After talking to the co-owners of Fisher Gilmore Matchmaking (FGM), the Matchmaking DUO, Kelli K. Fisher, and Tana C. Gilmore, I now understand some of the reasons why many of my good sistas are still single.
But first, let’s get into why Kelli and Tana are qualified to speak on dating and relationships. As two Black women who are in successful marriages, they have experienced the ups and downs that happen in many relationships, and they were able to overcome them. And as self-proclaim “heart hunters,” they are helping many Black singles find love through their matchmaking business.
Both women worked together in corporate but ended up making the transition into matchmaking after finding themselves constantly giving dating and relationship advice to others. Kelli, a dating coach, and Tana, a relationship coach, formed FGM and are now celebrating its 10-year anniversary. Their services included coaching and matchmaking, and they recently launched their Modern Dating Academy, which is a cost-effective membership. They have recruiters who they refer to as “love liaisons” whose mission is to find people and add them to their database for potential matchmaking. But how do you know if matchmaking is for you?
According to Kelli and Tana, there are a few reasons.
“A person should invest in a matchmaker when they have realized that they need some support, they need some help. When you want the home of your dreams, you hire a realtor, when you want something done, you hire a contractor. You hire professionals for every other area in your life,” Tana began. “When you want a specific job, you want a recruiter. We're heart hunters like we stated earlier, so [if] you're looking for something different, you're looking for something specific, why not hire a professional that does this every day, all day? This is what we do and what we do well.
“We're one of the most highly sought-after agencies in the country. So I think it's very important for you to invest in yourself, invest in your life, in your personal life as well. We do it all the time for so many other things, this is just as important, if not more important. This is your legacy. We're helping build your legacy.”
"I think it's very important for you to invest in yourself, invest in your life, in your personal life as well. We do it all the time for so many other things, this is just as important, if not more important. This is your legacy. We're helping build your legacy.”
During our interview, Kelli and Tana dished on the number one reason why many of us seem to be struggling in the dating world and some simple tips to overcome it.
Kelli Fisher (L) and Tana Gilmore (R).
Photo courtesy of Kelli Fisher and Tana GilmoreWhat We Have Been Taught Vs. Reality
Kelli suggested that for many of us, our upbringing has influenced how we approach dating, which isn’t working in our favor. “I would say the biggest problem that I see now is just the difference between what we’ve been raised to do culturally and the times today in dating. So, when you think of culturally, you think of women are supposed to sit back. They’re supposed to not be too forward, they're supposed to, you know, not give too much attention. Let someone court you, that type of thing, but really the wave of dating now is where, you know, everybody can swipe left,” Kelli explained.
“They can swipe right, they can have another date, so if you don’t offer enough of an experience on a date, then you’re gone, or they’re gone, so you know it’s almost like you have to show more than we’re trained to do, so you have to get feedback. You have to have a fun experience. You have to give enough for someone to say, ‘Oooh, let me call this person back because I can’t wait to hear more,’ and that is the discrepancy I think a lot of times in where we are today with dating.”
Unrealistic Expectations
Another reason why many women may be single is because of unrealistic expectations. However, this also stems from what they saw and were taught growing up.
“I also think that their expectations are unrealistic sometimes about what’s out there and what they can command and what they can’t,” said Tana. “So, I think that that’s sometimes a problem when it comes to the matchmakers just having that reality check with them, and I think that we do that well because it comes from a soft space and a place. But we want to make sure and ensure that they know exactly what’s out here, exactly what to do when it’s in front of you, and just kinda help them progress forward because, again, unfortunately, our Black women don’t really have the relationship skill sets because we were never taught them.
“They don’t teach it in school, and it's not taught in the home. You don’t really see it to be a model sometimes, and then when you do, you don’t see the tough times as well, so you don’t know how to deal with conflict resolution or things like that. So, sometimes when that’s all that they've seen growing up, we’re having to start from scratch and really help them create their own love blueprint of what it looks like for them.”
Pro-stock studio/ Getty Images
Believing Success In Career Equates To Success In Relationships
Last but not least, Kelli touched on how families valuing women’s careers over their personal life can have a negative effect on their dating lives. “I think we are raised as Black women to feel like your value in a relationship is tied to your career and your success, and so you know our families celebrate that. ‘Oh, this woman is a doctor.’ ‘This one is a lawyer.’ ‘This one’s an engineer.’ No one’s celebrating, ‘Oh, she got married, and she’s a wonderful wife and mother,’ not as much as the career,” Kelli admitted.
“So, it’s like almost thinking that, 'Okay, well, she is a doctor. She’s gonna be an amazing wife,' and the skills don’t transfer. It's two different skill sets that we have to really build up, one as much as the other, a lot of times.”
Winning Tips To Help You Navigate The Dating World Successfully
While there may be some factors keeping some of us single, you don’t have to stay single for long, if that’s your choice, of course. According to Kelli and Tana, when you walk out of your door, you are “on the market,” so always be ready to meet a potential suitor. Whether that’s the grocery store, Tana suggested going to the grocery store between the hours of 5-8 p.m. because that’s when men get off work or leave the gym, or running a quick errand. The Matchmaking DUO also recommended going to sports bars and sporting events because the men are there.
“It's really about showing interest. There’s nothing wrong with showing interest, and once you show interest, usually he’ll take the lead, but when you think about a man, a lot of times we’re trained don’t even make eyes with them,” Kelli stated.
“What we want him to do, we want him to see us in the grocery store, we’re not even looking up. We want him to come around to where we are, say hello, make us look up, and have a conversation only for us to [say], ‘Oh, no, I’m not interested.’ I mean, that’s a lot of work, so at least if you look up, smile and say hello, that will get the ball rolling more than you think.”
Another tip is just to smile. If you are single and ready to mingle, then it’s important to look approachable. Tana suggested giving yourself a smile challenge where you smile at least 50 times a day. That way, it can become easier to smile at someone who catches your eye.
“It's really about showing interest. There’s nothing wrong with showing interest, and once you show interest, usually he’ll take the lead, but when you think about a man, a lot of times we’re trained don’t even make eyes with them."
How To Talk To Your Crush
Okay, so you got your crush’s attention, what do you say? According to Tana, it’s simple, compliment them. “Who's going to turn a compliment away? You can find something to compliment him on– his shoes, his watch, men love technology,” Tana noted. “They usually have a nice watch, they usually have nice socks, a lot of them. Or a nice smile, or they smell good.
“Give them a compliment. No one’s going to turn down a compliment. Lead with a compliment and at least an introduction and your name. If nothing else, you could at least give him a soft introduction of who you are. Just let the conversation take its course.”
For more information about the Matchmaking DUO, check out their website thematchmakingduo.com, and follow them on all social media platforms @thematchmakingduo.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
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As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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