As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where women are given a platform to tell their stories in the first-person narrative, as told to a writer.
This is Amoya Shante's story, as told to Sheriden Chanel.
When I decided to uproot my life, move to Mexico, and leave everything I knew behind, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. My business was failing, my dating life was a joke, my finances were scary, and I felt like I hit rock bottom. I craved something different. A fresh start. A new beginning. The desire to move abroad and start over grew within me like a fire and after a while, I couldn’t ignore it. Nor did I want to.
The first time I moved to Mexico was after I went through a divorce. I shed the things that did not serve me by selling all of my possessions and embarked on my Eat, Pray, Love journey with my kids in tow. Traveling was a catalyst of healing and for two and half years, I ate, I prayed, and I loved. Eventually, my journey led me back home to the United States but the seed of moving abroad to Mexico had already been planted and it would continue to bloom as I was met with feelings I felt before.
I was back at square one. I was lost, unmotivated, uninspired, burnt out, and broke, and Mexico called to me, reminding me of the healing I experienced there. I started over before, I could start over again.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
But as a single mom of three, I had hesitation. I feared Mexico originally due to the U.S. news and I was so sure that my kids would be kidnapped and harmed in some way if I went. It was through talking to other expats living in Mexico and understanding reality beyond the sensationalism of news stories that my nerves calmed a bit. Again, I sold all of my possessions and decided to take a leap of faith.
As a believer in the magic of manifestation, I believe I can do all things. I had my military retirement and an online business at the time, so I definitely still had to live paycheck to paycheck when I first moved to Mexico. But I jumped like I’ve done so many times before with faith that the universe would catch me like it always did before I fell. I set my intention, leap, and I don’t get too caught up in the 'how.' I trust and I follow that inspired action. Moving to Mexico in July 2021 was no different.
I remember arriving in Mexico at night and taking a taxi from the airport to our Airbnb which was an hour away. Everyone was so kind. I didn’t feel scared at all. Actually, I felt like I had been lied to my whole life. The energy in Mexico was different.
I felt calm, safe, and at peace.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
Those feelings would only reaffirm my decision each day that passed while living in Mexico. I was there for all of one month before meeting the love of my life. I was searching for a photographer in one of the expat groups I was in and from a list of about 60 photographers, I somehow zeroed in on his name, Julio. I don’t know why. I was drawn to him. Even then. I went to his Instagram, checked out his work, and sent him a message.
I didn't look at or check prices with any other photographer. I just felt compelled to hire him.
Upon meeting Julio for the first time, I immediately recognized him as a soul I had already known. I initially tried to ignore the feelings he gave me but he pursued me in a way I never experienced before. From the very beginning, he felt so familiar to me. It was like we were two souls that had spent many lifetimes together. My normal energy in dating was one of anxiousness and desperation but with him, there was none of that. Nothing between us was ever forced, it just flowed.
With him, I felt calm. I felt at peace.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
We had our differences. Julio is Mexican. I’m American. I’m 10 years older, he’s younger. Even still, he is easily the most emotionally mature man I’ve ever been with. In the beginning, he spoke very little English and I spoke very little Spanish. Cultural differences and language differences hit us right away. I believed the dating process meant dating multiple people until I was in an exclusive relationship, but in his culture, that is not a thing. They take dating seriously and only date one person at a time and then need to speak to their family before asking you to be their partner. After you are official, you then meet the family.
Julio pursued me from the very beginning and still does so today. I never had to wonder what he was doing or who he was with. I never had to wonder if he was going to write because the man didn’t let an hour go by without sending a message or a text. And despite the language barrier, he would also call, which wasn’t something I was used to. I knew he was the one early on because I was able to be my true self with him. I didn’t have to act in any way or overthink things. I could just be.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
For a while, I felt unworthy of love because I was a single mom. In order to be ready for the love I manifested in my relationship with Julio, I had to let go of that and develop a belief that not only was I worthy of love but I was worthy of the most amazing relationship ever. I had to develop a belief that it was safe to love again after being in an emotionally abusive marriage. Not only did I have to learn to love again in a healthy, nontoxic way but I had to learn how to love myself wholly and completely so I would show up in a relationship healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
He respected my way of dating although he did not like it and he chose to remain true to his own values of only talking to and dating one person at a time. Julio was committed to getting to know me so he wasn’t letting a language barrier get in the way. I remember traveling back to the States for two weeks after meeting Julio and him FaceTiming every night where we would talk for hours. He was getting an immersive experience with the English language. In so many ways, he taught me that if they want to, they will.
Despite our differences, we are most connected over our values. We value freedom, travel, family, and spirituality.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
Not a day goes by where I don’t feel seen. He listens to me. Not kind of listens but truly listens with his whole body and energy. He chooses our girls and me every single day and even though my three older daughters are not his, he has never made them feel any different than his own daughter. He takes care of us in every way by leading in a healthy masculine energetic way that allows my feminine energy to come out to play. I feel safe with him.
That is not something I experienced in my entire life. Feeling safe. He supports me and my vision and purpose. He is my biggest cheerleader. Julio is my balance. He keeps me grounded and calm. He is the best human I have ever met and I am so grateful to have found him again in this lifetime.
When I was at my lowest, I sought to manifest freedom, abundance, soul-aligned friendships, a business that lights me up, a chef, a nanny, a housekeeper, a villa with a pool, and of course, my soulmate. I am happy to say that within 16 months of moving to Mexico, I have manifested all of it.
Julio and I are engaged, run a six-figure business, and also welcomed our first child together, another baby girl to our family! And this is the first time I was able to enjoy newborn life because I am being fully supported and cared for.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
However, all of the rewards that are bearing fruit in this season of my life weren’t without risk and they definitely weren’t without inner work.
I invested heavily in my personal growth and self-development. A few months prior to moving to Mexico, I became certified in neuro-linguistics programming, timeline therapy, hypnotherapy, and life coaching.
I did deep inner work. I stopped treating my business as a hobby, started charging what I was worth, set up strong boundaries, and created a product that I knew worked so it would be easy to sell. I surrounded myself with people who inspired and motivated me and held me accountable to boldly live the life I saw myself.
There is always more healing and lessons to be learned but overall I am healthy, whole, and complete and now get to help others feel the same.
For more of Amoya, follow her on Instagram @amoyashante and TikTok @amoyashante. You can also join her Facebook group, Belle Aligned.
Featured image courtesy of Amoya Shante
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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