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My Sons Showed Me It Was Time To File For Divorce

If your intuition isn't loud enough, your kids just might tell you instead.

As Told To

As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.

This is Tasha McClarrin's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.

My son walked up to me and stood there.

"What's wrong, baby?" I asked.

"Can I have a hug?" he replied. I was confused. A hug? Of course! This was my child, my love, my sanity during this difficult time.

Why is he even asking?

As I reached out to give him the best hug I had in me, he continued, "You haven't given me a hug in a month..." I remember the look on his face when he said those words. It was like a dagger.

And that was my breaking point.

Leading up to that moment, I had been depressed for months. I didn't eat and couldn't sleep. I couldn't move. I was having frequent mental and emotional breakdowns. I was in the early stages of filing for divorce.

Guys, divorce is...complicated. It's a loss, a death. Extreme sadness becomes a factor, regardless of the relief of divorcing. And there was a time when I didn't know if my relationship with my boys would ever return to what it was before, as heartbreaking as it is to say.

But my boys were patient with me. I apologized to them for losing my way. I told them I would change this situation if they could give me time and understanding. My sons both believed in me, stood beside me, and didn't give up on me from that moment on.

I come from a very small town called Waynesville, North Carolina. And however small you're thinking, think even smaller than that (we would have to petition cable companies to get basic channels, which my small-town people will understand). I met my ex-husband through a neighbor one day, and I loved the potential I saw in him. He was a charmer; a smooth talker. We fell in love.

As time went on, we eventually wed and had two of the most amazing sons you could imagine.

But our toxicity levels began to rise right around the time I was pregnant with my youngest. My ex made me feel as if I wasn't good enough, primarily in reference to my looks and weight. He would say certain things and his behavior began to change. I knew we had problems then, but I would try to ignore them. It's what us ladies do far too often.

He didn't mean it.

Maybe he's having a bad day.

From there, the cheating and lying began, which then led to all of his own insecurities showing up. We would fight, and I would be accused of the very things he was doing. I began to isolate myself and question if I was beautiful or if I was worthy. There were some things about me I truly didn't like. I was adamant about letting others know the bad about myself. It wasn't healthy at all, which I knew, but I was stuck.

But then, my baby asked me for that hug. It was time for a divorce—for me, and for my sons.

Filing for divorce ignited a new direction in me. The first year, I planned and set goals. Ultimately, I just wanted to recover after feeling so much was lost—time, energy, precious moments. It took me forcefully seeking out new focus and lots of pep talks.

Go Tasha. You've got this.

You're unstoppable.

Life is amazing, and you are extremely blessed, girl.

Thankfully, life after divorce allows you to be more focused because there's more clarity. You've removed your aura from negative spaces and a false sense of happiness. I've taken myself on dates. I've bought myself nice things. I've taken amazing trips with my boys. And most importantly, I've rediscovered self-love. While, I'm still navigating through dating because so much has changed since I was last in the game, I've found that self-love is my best weapon. The more I love myself and surround myself with love, the easier it will be for someone to find me to love.

Today, I am almost a two-year divorcee and even now, I'm continuing to heal. I believe traumatic environments can take time to recover from, and that's OK. I've learned about true self-care and that we have to do it every day. I plan for peace by protecting it.

I remember seeing my ex-husband with his mistress when we were going over our divorce paperwork, and I was so unfazed. That's when I knew I'd found peace.

Ladies, I'm saying all this to say, divorce is not a bad thing. Sure, it's not always pretty and it may not go how you envisioned it. Sometimes, like in my case, unfortunately, your kids may be the ones to show you that it's time for you to choose happiness again, and that's OK. It's OK to not fight for something that isn't working anymore. It's OK to accept defeat.

If you're considering divorce, write down the pros and cons. Center your takeaways on your own accountability and accept your fault in the matter. Find out if forgiveness is a place or an empty space in your marriage. In my particular situation, my ex-husband had no accountability, so we could never live in a forgivable place. Marriage is a union between two people who are accountable and know how to live with forgiveness. There was nothing left for us.

So, listen to yourself. And if you aren't being loud enough, your kids just might tell you instead.

Tasha plans to launch a collection of short stories and personal testimonials in the near future. To keep up with Tasha's story, or get more information about her essay collection, follow her on @tashaleshay on Facebook and @mstashaleshay on Instagram.

If you have a story you'd like to share, but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact us at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for your story to be featured.

Featured image courtesy of Tasha McClarrin.

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

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