12 Random Stats That Might Explain Your Dating Situation
If there's one thing that I think all of us can agree on, it's the fact that dating is a bit of an enigma. The rules are always changing. The expectations are all over the place. Hell, some of us haven't been impressed while being on a date in so long that we wonder if the art of dating even exists anymore.
If I was able to figure all of this out, I'd be a millionaire—a few times over—by now. But I did do a little research on things related to dating in the hopes that it might help you to connect a few dots or at least get a little clarity on a couple of matters. So, if you've been wondering why guys keep wanting to meet up at Starbucks, why you are turned on by vegans or how long you should date someone before wanting to meet his mama or give him some, below are some answers I found that are based on various studies and dating experts. Check it out, forward it to your significant other, and also jump into the comments to share your views. With a little bit of input from us all, maybe—just maybe—we can figure out this whole dating thing together.
1. Where are the most popular dating spots?
As far as actual dates go, I'm the kind of gal who will give a guy major points for creativity. I guess that's why I found it pretty interesting—and disappointing—when I read an article onAsk Men's site that shared some of the most popular dating spots of last year. Some that cracked the Top 10 include—Starbucks (#1), Chick-fil-A (#2), Panera Bread (#5), Barnes & Noble (#7) and…y'all already know—Cheesecake Factory (#10). Le sigh. Am I the only one who isn't impressed?
I think this is why I am a huge fan of a couple of phone conversations leading up to a first date. That way, you both can get a feel for each other's personality, interest and overall vibe—and that can keep you out of Olive Garden (which also made the list). No diss to it, it's just…I am a firm believer that a man who puts forethought and creativity into first dates and marriage proposals is a man who is showing real sensitivity and fascination as it relates to the object of his affection.
Hmph. I must not be the only person who think this way because, according to The Art of Manliness site, their idea of great first dates are picnics, amusement parks, paint and sips—places that are fun and also places that are a little outside of the typical dinner and a movie idea.
Oh, and as far as signs that a first date didn't go so well, dating experts believe that if the conversation was dull, your date was distracted, no talk of a future date comes up on the date or a full day goes by without any sort of follow up at all…well, even if there are some great explanations as to why these things happened, you're still seeing, fairly early on, if you're going to be doing a significant amount of maintenance in order to keep things going. Just something to think about.
2. What subconsciously makes someone feel connected on a first date?
I can tell I'm getting older because my face frowned a bit when I kept reading that it was poor etiquette to ask someone what their last name is when you're first making a connection with them. What in the world? Even my homie-lover-friends, I know their middle name, birth date and where they were born—and I knew all of this before they got some. But apparently these days, last names are privileged information. Something else that I read is if you're on a first date and you really want to make the person feel special, you should say their first name a few times. It indicates that you are interested in them, that you care enough to retain their name, and that you want to be comfortable enough to remain on a first name basis with them in the future.
3. How long do individuals prefer to wait before having sex for the first time?
Chrissy Teigen has been pretty open about the fact that she slept with2019's Sexiest Man Alive on their first date. Now they're married with two children, so the taboo belief that having sex on the first date automatically dooms the possibility of establishing a solid relationship isn't one that holds a ton of weight (clearly, when there are articles out in cyberspace like "Why More People Are Having Sex on the First Date"). Still, that doesn't mean that sex on the first date is the rule; for most, it's still more like the exception. So, just how long do most people think that you should wait before getting it on for the first time? A Groupon study of 2,000 individuals came to the conclusion that it should happen after around eight dates; although most men were "cool" with waiting until the fifth date and most women preferred to wait until the ninth.
4. How often should you see your significant other to keep the relationship healthy?
This particular point I found to be interesting, mostly because it has something in common with how often married folks have sex in order to keep their relationship in a thriving state. If a married couple wants to feel happy and connected, they need to copulate the same amount of times a week that a new couple needs to see one another in order to get similar results. And how often is that? Once a week. Anything more than that can cause fires to burn out quickly. It can also prevent you from "pacing your way" into the relationship so that you can figure out if it's something that you want as opposed to merely being something that you feel (some of y'all will catch that later).
5. What is an underrated key to relational happiness?
While on the surface, this one seems a little odd, if you really stop to think about it, it makes sense. One study that featured 1,000 men and women discovered that whenever an individual is dating someone who is a conscious and healthy eater, they are happier in the relationship—even if their own eating lifestyle totally sucks.
I'd venture to say that, even if it's a subconscious thing, people probably admire someone who is intentional about caring for their temple. Not only that, but if that person is interested in caring for themselves, it could be a good indicator that they will take care of the person they are seeing too.
6. How many dates, on average, lead to exclusivity?
If you've been on about 3-4 dates with someone, you really like him, and you're wondering if it's time to have "the talk", what a lot of dating experts believe is you should wait until you've gone on eight dates before bringing up the topic of exclusivity. If you go on a date with someone once a week, that averages out to being a couple of months, so that sounds about right. Whatever you do, just make sure that you conduct a little "pre-commitment interview" first. A whole lot of us have found ourselves falling for the wrong men or totally wasting our time, oftentimes because we assumed that they wanted what they did when…they didn't.
(Sidenote: Did you peep that exclusivity and sex both require eight dates? Interesting.)
7. What is the “expiration date” on most new relationships?
Cuffing season can really be a trip; especially when you factor in that the most popular times for couples to break-up is either right before Christmas (I'm willing to bet that is men) or right after Valentine's Day (wouldn't be surprised in the least if that was women). Some folks don't want the pressure of taking things to the next level during the holiday season while others put a lot of stock into Valentine's Day, only to get disappointed and determine that they deserve better.
Now, as far as how long new relationships typically last, in general? According to several Google links that I checked out, the average is somewhere between 3-5 months. Why is that? Five months usually gives us enough time to know if we're motivated by nothing more than lust, if the person is doing things that are deal-breakers for us and/or if we're simply too impatient—or disinterested—to put the work in to make the relationship last. If you're seeing someone new, how long has it been? Have y'all made it over the five-month-hump yet?
8. What things turn men off about women they’re seeing?
A website that I used to write for back in the day is The Good Men Project. In an article published on the site entitled "5 Secret Male Turn-offs Women's Magazines Won't Tell You", what I appreciated is it didn't ask women what turned men off; they asked men. What the men shared where things like belittling a man's sexual needs, comparing him to other men or trying to guilt trip him for wanting to do things outside of spending time with you. To me, that sounds pretty realistic. In fact, I'd think that the only women who "feel some type of way" about those things are women who are doing those types of things. And, in the wise words of Dr. Phil, "How is that workin' for ya?" As far as a list of what turns men on, check out "I Asked 10 Men What Turned Them On. This Is What They Said." for a little insight.
9. Does astrology actually play a role in compatibility?
Some of y'all are gonna fight to the death on this one. But apparently, the online dating site OkCupid conducted a study that included 500,000 people to see if there is any truth to astrology and compatibility. You can click here to read the entire break down, but the bottom line is no, there isn't. So, if you're a Gemini like I am, you're currently digging a Scorpio but you're hesitant because you read somewhere that they're not a good fit, I'd still go on a couple of dates if I were you.
Putting too much emotional weight on astrology can create self-fulfilling prophecies; you can determine someone isn't good for you due to some chart when, in all actuality, they just might be your perfect match. Not because of when their birthday falls but because of who they are as individuals.
10. When should you introduce someone to your parents and friends?
They say that if you've been in a relationship with someone for a while and you haven't met any of their family members or friends, that could be a red flag; maybe they are involved with someone else, they don't take the relationship as seriously as you do or, it's an indication that they've got layer of things to hide, with their loved ones only being a layer of that. If you've been seeing someone enough to go through all four seasons of the year once, I would be inclined to agree. At that point, you should've at least spoken with someone who is a part of their world.
But if you feel like your significant other is on the up-and-up but since it's only been a few months you're still not sure when the right time to meet their loved ones are, here's the deal. A lot of millennials tend to think it's cool after about 10 dates or so. At the same time, a lot of dating experts think that is way too early; they believe that you need to take at least five months to see if the relationship is serious. Then, after that time, introduce the person you're seeing to some friends; then family. Oh, and when it is time to see the fam, avoid family functions at all costs. Those types of events will only put more pressure on you. Plus, it sends the message that you know exactly where the relationship is headed when, after only a few months, you probably don't.
11. Who has a harder time healing from a break-up? Men or Women?
This is something that I am glad is getting more attention because, while it might be assumed that men aren't as affected by heartbreak as women are, what's actually going on is we tend to grieve and heal earlier and faster than they do. In fact, there's a study that supports the fact that since women invest more emotionally into their relationships, they are more emotionally self-aware in how to handle a break-up. Meanwhile, many guys don't spend as much time processing emotions. As a result, when a relationship (that truly matters to them) ends, they see it as an irrevocable loss than can take years for them to get over—if they ever do. (I know at least 10 guys personally who can personally attest to this; they still talk about their first love like the break-up happened last year.)
12. Who actually says, “I love you” first? Men or Women?
Talk about debunking a myth. I'm willing to bet that at least half of y'all read this question and immediately said, "Duh. Women." However, that isn't the case. According to several published studies, it is the fellas who experience feelings of love, as early as a few weeks into a new relationship. Now, that doesn't mean that all of them have the best of intentions when it comes to saying "I love you" because, there are also reports that indicate some do it in order to win our trust so that they can "get the meats". Still, that isn't the case for everyone, so if you're seeing a guy and he says, "I love you", if his words and actions complement one another, chalk it up to him being honest and society underrating a man's true sentimentality—at least until or unless he proves otherwise.
Welp. There you have it. Dating, in a nutshell—kinda, sorta. Whatcha think? Did it make things clearer or more confusing than ever? Sound off in the comments. Let us know.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?
Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married
5 Things That Are OK To Require On A First Date
Three Dates In. Should The Two Of You Move Forward? Or Not?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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