This past March marked the fifth year since my father passed away. As someone who lost a fiancé 24 years ago this year, I can personally attest to the fact that you never really "get over" losing someone. You simply learn how to deal with it.
Back in February, as I thought about whether or not I was going to do anything special to memorialize my dad's death, ironically, the five stages of grief came to mind—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Because my dad was an on-again-off-again substance abuser and abuse survivor all of his life—also, since we tended to have some of the most raw and candid conversations I've ever had with any human being—once I received the news that he was gone, I don't think that I struggled with the stages of grieving nearly as much as other people probably do whenever they lose a loved one. For me, his life was so tortured and tumultuous that I think, on some level, I was always in one of those stages when it came to him—as was he.
As I reflected on all of this, I then thought about a different kind of loss along with something that I oftentimes tell people whenever a relationship of theirs comes to an end—a part of the reason why break-ups can be so hard to get through, let alone get over, is because, in a lot of ways, they are just like a death. Problem is, most of us don't treat it like that. Instead, we opt to act like a failing relationship is on life support with a "do resuscitate" sign on it.
Every time we see signs that it's sooooo much better, wiser and healthier to just let it go, we darn near kill our own selves in order to bring it back to life. Over and over…and over again. Until it comes dangerously close to killing us (or breaking our spirit).
Meanwhile, the overlooked reality is every time we try to make something work that isn't working, what we really should be doing instead is getting honest with ourselves about 1) the current state of the relationship; 2) the toxic patterns that are within it and 3) why we're trying to keep it going if it really needs to be left alone. Totally alone.
Gee, as I'm typing this and you're reading it, it should make so much common sense to us both. So, why aren't nearly enough of us doing what we know needs to be done? Again, my firm belief is it's because we don't go through the five stages of grief for the death (loss) of a relationship just like we do (or at least should) with the death of a person.
And how does all of this tie into the title of this particular article? Well, I don't know about you, but there are some men in my past who, in hindsight, I now see that when it was really starting to look like it was time to call things quits, while I thought I was fighting to make the relationship work, what was really happening is I was going through the stages of grief. I just didn't recognize it for what it was at the time.
Here's what I mean by that. Think back to your last break-up. Not the one that you got over after a weekend of watching rom-coms and pseudo-cyberstalking dude on his IG. I mean the one that had you so debilitated that it was truly a miracle you got to work every day. The one that caused you to gain or lose 15 pounds. The one that had you terrified to love again.
Yeah, that one.
How many times did you try and make it work after it ended? Once? Twice? 10 times?! (Don't be embarrassed, it happens.) OK, now think again about the five stages of grief that I already mentioned—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While you were thinking that you were trying to make the relationship that obviously wasn't working work, was it really because he was so awesome and the relationship was so great? Or was it more that you were grieving and didn't see it for what it was?
Shoot, I'll speak for myself and say that when it came to my biggest heartbreak ever, that is exactly what was going on. He was emotionally abusive, but we had been so close, for so long, that I went into DENIAL about that. He broke my heart without the respect of telling me face to face (yep, dude wrote me an email to tell me); that made me ANGRY. Because he had been such a big part of my life, my emotions tried to "edit out" all of the bad times and amplify the good. As a result, that made me want to try and BARGAIN with God (and sacrifice myself) in order to find ways to get him back. That led me into a state of DEPRESSION (a great definition of depression is "anger turned inward").
Here's the real hooker, though—because I didn't get that I wasn't loving so much as I was grieving, I didn't ACCEPT things for what they were. Instead, for several months, I just kept sending myself through the cycle of denial, anger, bargaining and depression all over again without getting to the fifth (and final) step.
And here's the thing about doing that—when you don't get to the point of accepting the reality of where you are in your relationship, your mind (and heart) can start to play tricks on you. A lack of acceptance can put you into such a deep state of denial that you'll start to only reflect on the good of the guy and your relationship.
You'll stay stuck in the narratives that bring you comfort and cause you to think that he's the best thing there is for you. You'll begin to believe that you can't let go because you're so in love when really, you're scared to let go because you're in so much pain.
The good news is when you get to the point and position of really seeing this harsh-yet-necessary truth for what it is, you start to see that you don't really love the guy as much as you thought you did. No, what you are actually doing is grieving the love you had for the man you thought he was and the relationship you thought you would end up having long-term. And when you can accept that? That's when grieving turns into healing and you really get to the place of true acceptance so that you can move on, forward and towards real, healthy and lasting love.
How can I speak so confidently on this? It's because when I started to embrace that I didn't need to try and make things work for the umpteenth time nor did I need to look at him through rose-colored glasses in order to romanticize the pain away but, instead, I needed to go through the entire grieving process so that I could finally get to the acceptance portion of the process…whew!
I accepted that he didn't treat me right. I accepted that his good points were great and that his bad ones were emotionally-debilitating, so his rejection was actually a form of protection. I accepted there was no way that a man who could take me so much (and often) for granted even deserved the privilege and honor to even have my love.
And I accepted that, just as the Bible says, sometimes love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8)—so much so that I wasn't ever really in love with the guy who actually existed; it was more like, I was in love with who I thought he'd become if he had let me love him all the way.
Does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is a lot of times, because we don't grieve the death of a relationship, we hang on thinking that we still love "him" when, if we went through ALL five stages, we'd come out on the other side and see that we loved who we thought he was or who we hoped he'd become. Not who he actually is…anymore.
Sis, once you get there, once you really and truly get there, healing has truly begun. Your broken heart starts to become whole again. Loving again doesn't seem quite as scary or unimaginable as it initially did. Neither does completely letting him—and the relationship—go.
So, if you're currently going through a heartbreak right now, know that I'm hugging you through the computer screen. What you're going through sucks; there's absolutely no way around that. But if you're ready to stop hurting and start healing, do yourself, your time and your future (and better) relationship a favor and ask yourself the following three questions (in this order too):
Are you still loving or just grieving? Have you allowed yourself to complete all five stages? If so, is it really that you love him or simply who you thought he was?
Once you know the answers, hopefully re-reading this narrative will show you what to do next. Love and grief are both intense, but they aren't identical emotions or experiences. When it comes to processing the end of a relationship with someone, knowing this as well as accepting it, changes everything.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (email@example.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
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Here's Why Very Few Relationships Can Actually Be 'Platonic'
Recently, while in an interview, someone asked me if I think that men and women can be just friends. I didn’t even hesitate to answer; my response was immediate, “Absolutely.” What I followed that up with is what intrigued them — “Life has taught me that not a lot of male/female dynamics are ‘platonic,’ though.” When they asked me to expound, the interview ended up taking a whole ‘nother turn.
As a writer who really pays attention to word meanings, something that can be a bit frustrating about our culture is the fact that based on whatever is popular at the time, folks will just up and change the original definitions of words to suit a particular agenda or whim — and the word “platonic” 1000 percent fits into this category. And perhaps that’s why we seem to continue to go in circles about whether or not people of the opposite sex can (and should) be friends and what that even can (and should) look like.
Let’s talk about it for a bit. Because as a word-literal type of individual, while again, I absolutely believe that men and women can be friends, at the same time, I think it’s about as rare as a red diamond to truly find yourself in a friendship that is…platonic.
It’s Time (More) Folks Knew What ‘Platonic’ LITERALLY MeansGiphy
So, let's do first things first — let's define what it literally means for something to be platonic. If you go to your favorite search engine and put something along the lines of "What does platonic mean?", the first thing that you're (probably) going to see is a ton of dictionary definitions that say something along the lines of "of, relating to, or being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex" (Merriam-Webster), "designating or of a relationship, or love, between a man and a woman that is purely spiritual or intellectual and without sexual activity" (Your Dictionary) and, my personal favorite, "purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, especially in a relationship between two persons of different sexes" (Dictionary). Yeah, bookmark that last one; I'll be circling back.
Keeping this in mind (and please do), where does the word "platonic" actually come from? From what I've researched, the philosopher Plato once penned something entitled "Symposium." In it, he addressed the topic of two people sharing the kind of love that is free of any type of sensual desire, one that is based on divine love alone. An author from the 1800s broke it down this way: "Platonic love meant ideal sympathy; it now means the love of a sentimental young gentleman for a woman he cannot or will not marry." A write-up on Merriam-Webster's site stated that "The term platonic was initially used to mock non-sexual relationships, as it was considered ridiculous to separate love and sex, but eventually this connotation faded away leaving us with today's notion of close friendships." Yeah, we used to live in a culture where love and sex were not separated. Hmph, that's another article for another time, though (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term' Casual Sex'").
Anyway, as with many things (especially in our culture), the word "platonic" is kind of used in "broad strokes" these days (bromances, female friendships, etc.). However, because there continues to be this forever discussion — and oftentimes debate — about whether or not men and women can be "just friends," I'm going to tackle this topic strictly from that angle — from the place where platonic actually originated.
Yes, Men and Women Can Be Just Friends. But…Giphy
At this stage in my life, I'm pretty sure that I have more male friends than female ones. There are layers of reasons why, yet I think a huge one is because I like the balance that masculinity brings to my femininity (especially as I'm learning to embrace different aspects of my femininity, intentionally even more). And while every single one of my male friends is respectful and is a super safe space in my world on every single level that I can imagine (and have been for years now), there are probably only a couple who I would say 100 percent qualify as being…trulyplatonic.
Why would I say that? Well, I'll illustrate this point with something that one of my male friends once said to me. He's super cute. He can sing his ass off (and definitely has one of my favorite speaking voices). People see us out together often, and some have told us that they assume that we've had something going on at some point. Anyway, after hearing someone share their theory about us, I told it to him.
Me: "I told him, 'He's my brother. We would never mess around.'"
My Friend: "Correction, you are like a sister. You are not my sister, though. Under the right conditions, you could still get it."
When I shared that exchange with another male friend of mine, he basically cosigned on the sentiment: "Shellie, I have never approached you like that because I really respect you. I want to be good for you for the rest of our lives." (That reminds me: check out "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?" when you get a chance.)
Then I went to one more guy homie and ran both statements by him: "Girl, yeah. If I didn't want to keep you in my life long-term, I would've tried to holla a long time ago!" And he and I have been friends for almost 20 years at this point. When did he get around to telling me this? Eh, maybe two years ago. LOL.
So, my takeaway from all of these "for real?!" exchanges is even though men and women can be just friends, there is a certain level of intention, self-control, and ability to see into the future (on some level) that must go into account — because, just because something more-than-friends-like may not have gone down, that doesn't mean there isn't a "dormant seed" lying around somewhere…whether it's one-sided or on both sides of the friendship dynamic.
As you can see, I just provided you with three instances where the male friends in my life; we've had nothing sexual or even physically intimate beyond a hug when we greet each other in nature — although things aren't exactly platonic if there is some sort of attraction or sexual/romantic curiosity that simply never got explored. Because again, according to Plato, a platonic relationship is free from all of that kind of…tension — or possibilities. Zero. Nada. Zilch.
And now you probably get why I entitled this article in the way that I did…right? I mean, just think about it — out of your male friendships, where is there NO sensual desire or dormant romantic interest…on your side and/or on his? If you're not sure about "his"…have you ever asked him? Or them? Because again, once I really let the definition of platonic sink in, I think maybe two guys in my life totally fit the bill.
This brings me to my next point.
Are You Platonic? Or Are You Friend-Zoning?Giphy
Now that you know that probably 70 percent of the people you know (both online and off) have been using the true meaning of platonic all the way wrong, let’s go about deeper: when it comes to your friendships with men, are they genuinely platonic or…is it more like you’re friend-zoning them?
A few years ago, I penned an article on the topic entitled, “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.” If you’re skimming this on your lunch break, I’ll summarize friend-zoning as knowing that a guy has so-much-more-than-platonic feelings for you, yet because you basically want to keep the benefits of the friendship or even his emotions around, you will string him along on some level.
Personally, I can’t stand friend-zoning. I think it’s selfish, with some sprinkles of manipulation and wasting someone’s time. Don’t agree? How would you feel if a guy was friend-zoning you? (Yeah…exactly.)
This all needs to go on record because, knowing that a guy wants to “take it there” with you (whether sexually or romantically), you not full-on addressing it and/or giving him just enough hope to take you out, listen to all of your stories about other men and give you the attention that you need knowing that he doesn’t have a shot in hell — that is NOT a platonic friendship and honestly, you’re not being a good friend at all. Friends protect each other’s hearts, not abuse them.
A platonic friendship means that you both have no interest in each other, and, as Plato put it, while you may have a strong and solid bond, it’s spiritual love that connects you. And what exactly does that mean? Spiritual love also deserves its own article, yet the gist would be that you recognize there is a purpose in your friendship, yet it’s about wanting what’s best for one another and even helping each other to get there.
For instance, a platonic friend of yours may know that you desire to be married one day, so he has no problem setting you up with a good guy in his life. And if things go well, he would have no problem standing up as your own best man (without feeling like he’s dying inside) because he never saw you beyond anything but a friend. A guy in the friend zone doesn’t move like this; he likes you too much to help you move on with someone else. See the difference?
Why Relationships Should Start Off As NON-PLATONIC FriendshipsGiphy
Before I end this with some tips on how to properly care for the few platonic friendships you may actually have, since the use of the word may require a bit of mental reprogramming, I do think we should also address that if you've got a good guy in your life, who right now is a friend and either you've never thought of him in that way or the topic has never come up — he's someone that you may not want to brush off.
What I mean by that is, it's one thing for there to be absolutely no interest in someone vs. never considering it before — and the reason why you might want to give it some thought is because, ask any healthy married couple who's been together for more than five years and I'll bet you my next rent check that they will say that the best relationships are birthed out of friendship (check out "Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?").
Yeah, just because you've filed someone in the "I see him as a good guy" category, that doesn't automatically mean that y'all's friendship is platonic. For instance, I have a male friend who is fine and I adore on many levels, yet the reason why it would never work on my end is because there are certain relational standards that I have that he does not meet. However, don't get it twisted — I've considered him because, on so many levels, we "fit." So, the mere fact that I ever seriously thought about him on that level means that we are "good friends," yet it's not exactly platonic.
I'm not free of potential sensual desire…I just choose not to act on it. Yet because I get the value of having friendship as the foundation for my own future marriage (should life play out that way), I am wise enough to know that I would've been a fool to not at least…ponder him and the possibilities.
So yeah, if there is a male friend in your life that the thought of dating or having sex with him doesn't make you want to throw up in your mouth, there's a pretty good chance that it's not a classic platonic dynamic — and you might want to consider if it could/should go to the next level — if not immediately, eventually. Because there's a pretty good chance that if you are thinking that way, he probably is as well.
Protect Your Genuine Platonic Friendship(s) At All CostsGiphy
Let me end this with how one of my platonic friendships rolls. We both think that the other is attractive, yet neither of us is attracted. We both give each other opposite-sex insights. We both have said that the mere thought of dating each other makes our noses turn up like there’s an odor in the air. And even when I try to imagine us together, my mind goes blank. I love, love, LOVE this man — oh, but it is absolutely nothing more than platonic — and he feels the same way. It’s as close to familial love without being blood relationships. It’s a rare dynamic, and that is what makes it so special. There is definitely a spiritual type of love there; no more, no less.
If you’ve got someone in your life who you feel the same way about (again, it’s got to be mutual; he must feel that way, too), you’ve got a gem of a situation going on because there is nothing like having the kind of friendship where you and a guy can hang out, exchange perspectives and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company, knowing that’s all it is and will ever be. Things will never get weird. No one’s feelings are gonna get hurt (from the whole friend-zoning thing). You don’t have to walk on eggshells. You can just be.
And that’s why I’m all for platonic friendships. And listen, if you’re blessed enough to have even one in your lifetime, be fiercely protective of it. Don’t take it for granted. Nurture it in a way that your male friend needs (because it probably won’t be the exact same as your female friendships). Y’all, platonic friendships are so bomb because, if it’s honored and protected correctly, it’s the one male friend that you can probably keep for life because even your romantic partner will not find it to be a (true) threat — hell, they honestly could probably end up becoming (some level of) friends with your platonic homie as well.
I hope that I broke this all down enough to where, when you decide to use a word to describe your opposite-sex friendships, perhaps you will pause and ask yourself, “Wait, is this a platonic friend or a good or close friend?” Because the clearer you are on the differences, the easier it will be to know how to maintain your friendship — and feel about your friend. Feel me? Cool.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images