This past March marked the fifth year since my father passed away. As someone who lost a fiancé 24 years ago this year, I can personally attest to the fact that you never really "get over" losing someone. You simply learn how to deal with it.
Back in February, as I thought about whether or not I was going to do anything special to memorialize my dad's death, ironically, the five stages of grief came to mind—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Because my dad was an on-again-off-again substance abuser and abuse survivor all of his life—also, since we tended to have some of the most raw and candid conversations I've ever had with any human being—once I received the news that he was gone, I don't think that I struggled with the stages of grieving nearly as much as other people probably do whenever they lose a loved one. For me, his life was so tortured and tumultuous that I think, on some level, I was always in one of those stages when it came to him—as was he.
As I reflected on all of this, I then thought about a different kind of loss along with something that I oftentimes tell people whenever a relationship of theirs comes to an end—a part of the reason why break-ups can be so hard to get through, let alone get over, is because, in a lot of ways, they are just like a death. Problem is, most of us don't treat it like that. Instead, we opt to act like a failing relationship is on life support with a "do resuscitate" sign on it.
Every time we see signs that it's sooooo much better, wiser and healthier to just let it go, we darn near kill our own selves in order to bring it back to life. Over and over…and over again. Until it comes dangerously close to killing us (or breaking our spirit).
Meanwhile, the overlooked reality is every time we try to make something work that isn't working, what we really should be doing instead is getting honest with ourselves about 1) the current state of the relationship; 2) the toxic patterns that are within it and 3) why we're trying to keep it going if it really needs to be left alone. Totally alone.
Gee, as I'm typing this and you're reading it, it should make so much common sense to us both. So, why aren't nearly enough of us doing what we know needs to be done? Again, my firm belief is it's because we don't go through the five stages of grief for the death (loss) of a relationship just like we do (or at least should) with the death of a person.
And how does all of this tie into the title of this particular article? Well, I don't know about you, but there are some men in my past who, in hindsight, I now see that when it was really starting to look like it was time to call things quits, while I thought I was fighting to make the relationship work, what was really happening is I was going through the stages of grief. I just didn't recognize it for what it was at the time.
Here's what I mean by that. Think back to your last break-up. Not the one that you got over after a weekend of watching rom-coms and pseudo-cyberstalking dude on his IG. I mean the one that had you so debilitated that it was truly a miracle you got to work every day. The one that caused you to gain or lose 15 pounds. The one that had you terrified to love again.
Yeah, that one.
How many times did you try and make it work after it ended? Once? Twice? 10 times?! (Don't be embarrassed, it happens.) OK, now think again about the five stages of grief that I already mentioned—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While you were thinking that you were trying to make the relationship that obviously wasn't working work, was it really because he was so awesome and the relationship was so great? Or was it more that you were grieving and didn't see it for what it was?
Shoot, I'll speak for myself and say that when it came to my biggest heartbreak ever, that is exactly what was going on. He was emotionally abusive, but we had been so close, for so long, that I went into DENIAL about that. He broke my heart without the respect of telling me face to face (yep, dude wrote me an email to tell me); that made me ANGRY. Because he had been such a big part of my life, my emotions tried to "edit out" all of the bad times and amplify the good. As a result, that made me want to try and BARGAIN with God (and sacrifice myself) in order to find ways to get him back. That led me into a state of DEPRESSION (a great definition of depression is "anger turned inward").
Here's the real hooker, though—because I didn't get that I wasn't loving so much as I was grieving, I didn't ACCEPT things for what they were. Instead, for several months, I just kept sending myself through the cycle of denial, anger, bargaining and depression all over again without getting to the fifth (and final) step.
And here's the thing about doing that—when you don't get to the point of accepting the reality of where you are in your relationship, your mind (and heart) can start to play tricks on you. A lack of acceptance can put you into such a deep state of denial that you'll start to only reflect on the good of the guy and your relationship.
You'll stay stuck in the narratives that bring you comfort and cause you to think that he's the best thing there is for you. You'll begin to believe that you can't let go because you're so in love when really, you're scared to let go because you're in so much pain.
The good news is when you get to the point and position of really seeing this harsh-yet-necessary truth for what it is, you start to see that you don't really love the guy as much as you thought you did. No, what you are actually doing is grieving the love you had for the man you thought he was and the relationship you thought you would end up having long-term. And when you can accept that? That's when grieving turns into healing and you really get to the place of true acceptance so that you can move on, forward and towards real, healthy and lasting love.
How can I speak so confidently on this? It's because when I started to embrace that I didn't need to try and make things work for the umpteenth time nor did I need to look at him through rose-colored glasses in order to romanticize the pain away but, instead, I needed to go through the entire grieving process so that I could finally get to the acceptance portion of the process…whew!
I accepted that he didn't treat me right. I accepted that his good points were great and that his bad ones were emotionally-debilitating, so his rejection was actually a form of protection. I accepted there was no way that a man who could take me so much (and often) for granted even deserved the privilege and honor to even have my love.
And I accepted that, just as the Bible says, sometimes love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8)—so much so that I wasn't ever really in love with the guy who actually existed; it was more like, I was in love with who I thought he'd become if he had let me love him all the way.
Does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is a lot of times, because we don't grieve the death of a relationship, we hang on thinking that we still love "him" when, if we went through ALL five stages, we'd come out on the other side and see that we loved who we thought he was or who we hoped he'd become. Not who he actually is…anymore.
Sis, once you get there, once you really and truly get there, healing has truly begun. Your broken heart starts to become whole again. Loving again doesn't seem quite as scary or unimaginable as it initially did. Neither does completely letting him—and the relationship—go.
So, if you're currently going through a heartbreak right now, know that I'm hugging you through the computer screen. What you're going through sucks; there's absolutely no way around that. But if you're ready to stop hurting and start healing, do yourself, your time and your future (and better) relationship a favor and ask yourself the following three questions (in this order too):
Are you still loving or just grieving? Have you allowed yourself to complete all five stages? If so, is it really that you love him or simply who you thought he was?
Once you know the answers, hopefully re-reading this narrative will show you what to do next. Love and grief are both intense, but they aren't identical emotions or experiences. When it comes to processing the end of a relationship with someone, knowing this as well as accepting it, changes everything.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
The James Room’s Co-Owner Justin Miller On Inclusive Nightlife & Atlanta’s Growing Cultural Scene
The career path we choose sometimes presents itself to us during our childhood. One entrepreneur's desire to maintain and run his own business began around age 12.
Justin Miller, one half of the duo responsible for running Atlanta’s premiere gathering place, The James Room, began his entrepreneurial pursuits by selling his drawings at school.
“I think I was always an entrepreneur,” he tells xoNecole during an interview for Hyundai’s Best In Class series, highlighting entrepreneurs making a difference through their businesses who also happen to be HBCU alumni.
“I just had different hustles, as they call them, growing up. When I went to law school, that was my first big entrepreneurship. I started my own law firm right after law school in 2006, and I’ve been an adult entrepreneur ever since.”
Alongside his business partner, Harold “Poncho” Brinkley, Miller and his team aim to fill a niche that hasn’t been seen before in Atlanta—an upscale lounge environment that is diverse and in alignment with what is currently available to patrons in cities like New York, Los Angeles, or Chicago. Located in Atlanta’s Krog Street District, The James Room offers a wide range of entertainment. From weekly events like live music on Tuesdays, slow jams by a live DJ set on Wednesdays, and b-side vibes on Saturdays.
“People are a little bit segregated in Atlanta,” Miller explains. “People party separately. People hang out separately. So, we wanted to create a space where everyone could come together and enjoy life because we all love the same things, and there shouldn’t really be separation when people are trying to relax and have fun.
"The James Room fills that niche, and Poncho and I, when we started thinking about getting into this field, both of us enjoyed that type of thing. We both enjoyed environments where people are together and enjoying each other’s company, and it’s not separated by Black and white or age, that kind of thing, more just people who enjoy good, fun stuff.”
“People are a little bit segregated in Atlanta. People party separately. People hang out separately. So, we wanted to create a space where everyone could come together and enjoy life because we all love the same things, and there shouldn’t really be separation when people are trying to relax and have fun.
As a product of Morehouse College, Miller also shared how being a graduate of a historically Black college or university (HBCU) has played a significant role in his work as an entrepreneur.
“My network started from, of course, Morehouse, and then branched off to Clark Atlanta, Morris Brown, Spelman, those schools close to Morehouse,” says Miller. “When I was there and made the connections that you need to be an entrepreneur, I think that the network you get when you go to an HBCU is second to none for anybody, but especially a Black person trying to start their own business.”
He adds, “The network you get at Morehouse for a Black man is even double because it’s like becoming a member of the network and a member of a fraternity simultaneously. So you can reach out to people vertically and horizontally, and you all share the same background in a certain way, so people will listen to you that normally would not.”
By day, Miller’s passion for law shines brightly through his work at his law firm, Stewart Miller Simmons, which he and a few friends started with a people-first mindset. One of their first big cases involved representing the daughter of George Floyd after he was murdered by Minneapolis police officers in 2020.
In addition to that high-profile case, Miller shares that the team has also represented the family of Rayshard Brooks, the young Black man who was killed by police in front of an Atlanta Wendy’s restaurant. They’ve also represented the mother of Ahmaud Arbery, the 25-year-old who was killed by two white men while jogging in a neighborhood near Brunswick in Glynn County, Georgia.
“We have some of the biggest cases in the world,” says Miller, reflecting on the nature of his business within the law field. “But my passion, the thing that I love the most, is doing things like The James Room, being able to create things where I can go myself and decompress, So I know if I like it in the environment, it’s good, and it’s relaxing for me, I know it will be for everyone else. This is one of my driving forces.”
Miller’s biggest lesson as a business owner, especially regarding The James Room, is that "you can really have whatever you want.”
“You can do whatever you want. It just requires a commensurate amount of work,” says Miller. It’s completely up to you. If you outwork yourself, you will receive everything you want. If you don’t, then you’re going to see where you’re going to stay and where your business will stay. I played basketball in college, and after that, I learned that you have to work. I didn’t know that same philosophy worked in business the same exact way, but it does.”
When it comes to the legacy that he and Poncho aim to leave behind with The James Room, the sentiment is simple: They want the business to be remembered as providing a different type of space in Atlanta.
"If you outwork yourself, you will receive everything you want. If you don’t, then you’re going to see where you’re going to stay and where your business will stay. I played basketball in college, and after that, I learned that you have to work. I didn’t know that same philosophy worked in business the same exact way, but it does.”
“I don’t want it to be the last of that type of space or one of the few of that type of space. I’d like it to be the beginning of those types of spaces in the city,” Miller notes. “Atlanta is growing. It’s now very multicultural because I am from here. My family’s from Atlanta. I grew up between Athens and Atlanta, Georgia. So I’ve seen Atlanta grow from where it used to be to what it is now.”
“I want the legacy of The James Room to be as Atlanta grows into the multicultural, big city that it is turning into, that the nightlife also corresponds and gives people options other than hookah and chicken wings. There’s nothing wrong with hookah and chicken wings, but you should have other options… sometimes you might just want an espresso martini.”
As their business continues to serve young professionals and creatives alike, Miller and Poncho take pride in continuously creating a place where everyone can come together, mix, and mingle, but in a more relaxed setting where everyone’s story can be heard.
“What I would ultimately like to see for The James Room is it being a nationwide brand. A brand where you could put a James Room in Houston, or you could put a James Room in Nashville,” Miller concludes. “You could put a James Room anywhere because all these places need this type of nightlife. Also, the entrepreneurs there, the people doing the nightlife there, need to see that this thing can work.”
He adds, “We have a proof of concept, and I believe the world needs to see and have it. I am a person who believes that more is better. So if you have more people putting this kind of entertainment out for consumption, you’ll have more people who have choices and more people who can enjoy themselves differently than what’s normally offered to them in their city.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Feature image @jmilleresq/ Instagram