

How I'm Handling The Loss Of Friendship This Season
The hurt still lingers. It lingers even though I am now in a good space. I'm slaying my goals, manifesting my dreams, and my life is unfolding beautifully. I have no complaints. But this is a pain that has not softened.
Why won't this hurt leave? Why can't I release this feeling?
This pain tends to resurface from time to time. It's an open wound that is still healing. It cuts deeper than any cut a past lover has given me. The thing is, I value the people that come into my life. And I am not in the business of short-term friendships or transactional relationships. But now I see friendships are not forever, regardless of time, effort, connection, and space.
In this past season, I have lost a few close friends. I have also lost friends I was becoming close to. I perceive it as a loss because patterns, actions, body language, and energy tell no lies. I sensed the change in these friendships before it was truly over. It pained me to see their Instagram Stories and posts. It became a trigger for me. Not because I was angry, but because I was hurt. I am still hurt. After everything I did for them, I couldn't help but question, "Why was I being treated differently? You mean to tell me; I was a friend for just one season? I wasn't a good enough friend for a lifetime of seasons?"
Eventually, I began to nonchalantly scroll past their Stories and posts to avoid being triggered.
Why is my title of "friend" now stripped?
Why was I no longer good enough to sit at their table?
Why am I only worthy of being just an acquaintance or an associate now, when I've proven myself as a friend?
I just couldn't understand it at all.
My first thought was, "What did I do wrong?" Followed by, "How do I fix it?" Why did I even think this was my fault, to begin with? I tend to blame myself when situations like these happen. But we all do this when conflict or problems arise. Just know it's a habit I'm trying to break.
For weeks, I lost sleep. I relapsed into an anxious state of mind and possibly mild depression. I confided in my cousins and other friends about the situation at hand. I spent therapy sessions rambling to my therapist about what I have done right in these friendships, what I could have done wrong, and how I should go about confronting these friends. And I did try to address my concerns only to not get a response.
So, finally, I left it alone.
I had nothing more to say. I had no desire to fix anything. I just decided to let it be. I chose to give them grace because I realized I did nothing wrong. I mean, I know what type of friend I am. I am proud of how I show up in my friendships too. I'm a giver.
That's just who I am.
What I did do is use my hurt as fuel to focus on myself. I took all the love, time, patience, energy, effort, and grace I gave to them and poured that ish into myself. Read that again.
And when I did that, I began to shine. I spent my time perfecting my craft, my artistry, and I stayed focused in the gym. I nourished friendships (both old and new) with people who were equally interested in my life, happiness, growth, and success. As my light started to grow bigger and brighter, these same friends started to come back around. As if nothing changed. As if there wasn't an issue that no longer needed to be addressed.
I even questioned whether it was me that was toxic at times. And the answer was no, I wasn't. At the time, my mental health relapsed, and I needed a close friend to talk to. I came to understand they were projecting their issues onto me. I am not one to hold grudges nor hate in my heart. And I learned at an early age pride ruins everything. I am the queen of respect, diplomacy, and tact. So, when I received a message or saw them in public, I kept it cool. But I miss the deeper connection I had with those friends.
To know now, that it may or may not be the same between us still hurts. It hurts to know that they didn't see me the way I saw them. They didn't value me the way I valued them.
In this season, I am not tolerating less than what I deserve in any friendship because I am not a "sometimes" friend. I am not entertaining temporary friendships nor friendships where I am not equally celebrated. I am not accepting a downgrade of "friend to an acquaintance" again. Not ever.
I am limiting access to my time, energy, and space. I am using boundaries across the board. And if someday, these same friendships are to be rekindled, it deserves a conversation with mutual respect, transparency, honesty, and vulnerability. And for me, in this moment, all that shit is earned because now the trust I had is gone.
You see, friendship breakups are just as bad as relationship breakups. This is because some of the same principles apply.
You have to come whole-hearted. You have to come ready to talk. Or don't ask or say anything to me at all. I know, I sound mean. I sound jaded, but I promise you I am not. But what I am is serious as AF. You have to realize you are equally exceptional in your own friendships too. Please, don't wait for someone else to show you this. Show it to yourself. You need to know that you are equally worthy of standing next to the person that you call a friend.
You deserve to be equally reposted, invited, nurtured, supported, and all of the above. You are not just worthy of a seat at the table, you are dancing on the motherfucking table too.
And this is how I am handling the loss of friendship this season.
With self-love and self-respect, because I know my worth. And I can only give someone grace for so long.
In the words of Bryson Tiller, we're outta time.
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Camille is a lover of all things skin, curls, music, justice, and wanderlust; oceans and islands are her thing. Her words inspire and her power is her voice. A California native with Trinidadian roots, she has penned personal essays, interviews, and lifestyle pieces for POPSUGAR, FEMI magazine, and SelfishBabe. Camille is currently creating a life she loves through words, self-love, fitness, travel, and empowerment. You can follow her on Instagram @cam_just_living or @written_by_cam.
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and felt so deeply connected to them? Everything about the relationship was intense – good or bad? Then you might be in a part of a soul tie.
The concept of a soul tie binds individuals on a level beyond a relationship's physical and emotional aspects; it’s more than a mere connection. You can form a soul tie with anyone – lover, friend, colleague, etc.- but we are discussing romantic partners for this article. Think of you and your partner as an intensely burning flame. The flame can burn passionately to light the relationship’s way or chaotically burn everything in its path. Either way, it leaves an indelible mark on the souls involved.
A soul tie should not be confused with the term “soulmate.” The main difference is that a soul tie can be positive or negative, while a soulmate is a mutual, harmonious connection. Unlike a soul tie, a soulmate relationship is generally characterized by mutual understanding, support, and shared values.
However, the more we learn about soul ties, the more it becomes evident that they are not monolithic; they vary in nature and intensity. As someone who has experienced a negative soul tie, it is crucial to discern whether they contribute positively to personal growth or hinder you from flourishing.
If Your Soul Tie Is Positive
A positive soul tie creates a deep and affirming connection between individuals. One key indicator of a positive soul tie is effective communication. If you’re experiencing a positive soul tie, a shared understanding fosters open and honest dialogue, contributing to a sense of connection and support.
Mutual growth is another hallmark of a positive soul tie. When individuals in a relationship encourage each other's personal development and evolution, it signifies a positive and uplifting connection. This mutual support leads to an environment where both parties can thrive individually and together, contributing to the overall health of the soul tie.
Emotional security is a crucial element in identifying a positive soul tie. In such connections, individuals feel a deep sense of trust and comfort with each other. This emotional security forms a stable foundation for the relationship, allowing both parties to express vulnerability and foster a strong, positive bond. These three indicators—effective communication, mutual growth, and emotional security—underscore the positivity inherent in a healthy and affirming soul tie.
If Your Soul Tie Is Negative
A negative soul tie manifests as a detrimental and draining connection between individuals. One clear sign of a negative soul tie is the presence of emotional turmoilwithin the relationship. When the connection becomes a source of constant distress, causing emotional upheaval and hindering personal development, it indicates a negative soul tie.
Codependency is another red flag for a negative soul tie. In such connections, individuals may become overly reliant on each other, impeding their ability to thrive independently. Codependency often leads to unhealthy dependencies and can result in a toxic dynamic that hinders both individuals' growth and well-being.
A lack of effective communication is a third indicator of a negative soul tie. When there is a breakdown in communication, misunderstandings and unresolved issues can fester, contributing to a strained and unhealthy connection. In negative soul ties, the absence of open and honest dialogue can perpetuate a cycle of negativity and prevent the resolution of underlying issues. These three indicators—emotional turmoil, codependency, and poor communication—point to the negativity associated with an unhealthy soul tie.
Putting Out The Fires And Breaking Your Soul Tie
Unfortunately, my deep, intense connection only caused destruction. And despite the obvious red flags, it took a minute before I broke the connection. Why? Because I was addicted to the relationship, we both were. But it is possible to break a soul tie if and when you are ready because if you are not, pretending you are when you are not is a waste of your time.
Breaking a soul tie requires intentional and purposeful actions. Establishing clear and firm boundaries is a fundamental step in severing the connection. By limiting contact and emotional engagement with the person involved, individuals can gradually weaken the tie and create space for personal growth.
Seeking professional support is another effective strategy to break a soul tie. Guidance from therapists or counselors provides valuable insights and coping strategies. Professional assistance can help individuals navigate the emotional challenges associated with breaking a soul tie, offering a structured and supportive environment for healing.
Redirecting energy toward personal growth is important in breaking free from a soul tie. Engaging in activities that promote individual well-being and create a sense of independence allows individuals to refocus their attention on their own growth and development. This redirection of energy is essential for breaking the emotional bonds of a soul tie and moving towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.
The last step I advise everyone to go through is the mourning period. My partner and I did our song and dance for years before I walked away. And I would be lying if I didn’t say that I mourned our relationship while I healed.
Recognizing the presence and nature of a soul tie in your relationship is crucial to understanding its impact on your well-being. Whether positive or negative, the intensity of a soul tie can shape the course of your personal growth and happiness. Breaking free from a negative soul tie demands intentional efforts, from setting clear boundaries to seeking professional support. Redirecting energy toward personal growth and allowing oneself a necessary mourning period are vital steps toward healing and liberation from the intricate ties that bind.
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