How I'm Handling The Loss Of Friendship This Season
The hurt still lingers. It lingers even though I am now in a good space. I'm slaying my goals, manifesting my dreams, and my life is unfolding beautifully. I have no complaints. But this is a pain that has not softened.
Why won't this hurt leave? Why can't I release this feeling?
This pain tends to resurface from time to time. It's an open wound that is still healing. It cuts deeper than any cut a past lover has given me. The thing is, I value the people that come into my life. And I am not in the business of short-term friendships or transactional relationships. But now I see friendships are not forever, regardless of time, effort, connection, and space.
In this past season, I have lost a few close friends. I have also lost friends I was becoming close to. I perceive it as a loss because patterns, actions, body language, and energy tell no lies. I sensed the change in these friendships before it was truly over. It pained me to see their Instagram Stories and posts. It became a trigger for me. Not because I was angry, but because I was hurt. I am still hurt. After everything I did for them, I couldn't help but question, "Why was I being treated differently? You mean to tell me; I was a friend for just one season? I wasn't a good enough friend for a lifetime of seasons?"
Eventually, I began to nonchalantly scroll past their Stories and posts to avoid being triggered.
Why is my title of "friend" now stripped?
Why was I no longer good enough to sit at their table?
Why am I only worthy of being just an acquaintance or an associate now, when I've proven myself as a friend?
I just couldn't understand it at all.
My first thought was, "What did I do wrong?" Followed by, "How do I fix it?" Why did I even think this was my fault, to begin with? I tend to blame myself when situations like these happen. But we all do this when conflict or problems arise. Just know it's a habit I'm trying to break.
For weeks, I lost sleep. I relapsed into an anxious state of mind and possibly mild depression. I confided in my cousins and other friends about the situation at hand. I spent therapy sessions rambling to my therapist about what I have done right in these friendships, what I could have done wrong, and how I should go about confronting these friends. And I did try to address my concerns only to not get a response.
So, finally, I left it alone.
I had nothing more to say. I had no desire to fix anything. I just decided to let it be. I chose to give them grace because I realized I did nothing wrong. I mean, I know what type of friend I am. I am proud of how I show up in my friendships too. I'm a giver.
That's just who I am.
What I did do is use my hurt as fuel to focus on myself. I took all the love, time, patience, energy, effort, and grace I gave to them and poured that ish into myself. Read that again.
And when I did that, I began to shine. I spent my time perfecting my craft, my artistry, and I stayed focused in the gym. I nourished friendships (both old and new) with people who were equally interested in my life, happiness, growth, and success. As my light started to grow bigger and brighter, these same friends started to come back around. As if nothing changed. As if there wasn't an issue that no longer needed to be addressed.
I even questioned whether it was me that was toxic at times. And the answer was no, I wasn't. At the time, my mental health relapsed, and I needed a close friend to talk to. I came to understand they were projecting their issues onto me. I am not one to hold grudges nor hate in my heart. And I learned at an early age pride ruins everything. I am the queen of respect, diplomacy, and tact. So, when I received a message or saw them in public, I kept it cool. But I miss the deeper connection I had with those friends.
To know now, that it may or may not be the same between us still hurts. It hurts to know that they didn't see me the way I saw them. They didn't value me the way I valued them.
In this season, I am not tolerating less than what I deserve in any friendship because I am not a "sometimes" friend. I am not entertaining temporary friendships nor friendships where I am not equally celebrated. I am not accepting a downgrade of "friend to an acquaintance" again. Not ever.
I am limiting access to my time, energy, and space. I am using boundaries across the board. And if someday, these same friendships are to be rekindled, it deserves a conversation with mutual respect, transparency, honesty, and vulnerability. And for me, in this moment, all that shit is earned because now the trust I had is gone.
You see, friendship breakups are just as bad as relationship breakups. This is because some of the same principles apply.
You have to come whole-hearted. You have to come ready to talk. Or don't ask or say anything to me at all. I know, I sound mean. I sound jaded, but I promise you I am not. But what I am is serious as AF. You have to realize you are equally exceptional in your own friendships too. Please, don't wait for someone else to show you this. Show it to yourself. You need to know that you are equally worthy of standing next to the person that you call a friend.
You deserve to be equally reposted, invited, nurtured, supported, and all of the above. You are not just worthy of a seat at the table, you are dancing on the motherfucking table too.
And this is how I am handling the loss of friendship this season.
With self-love and self-respect, because I know my worth. And I can only give someone grace for so long.
In the words of Bryson Tiller, we're outta time.
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Camille is a lover of all things skin, curls, music, justice, and wanderlust; oceans and islands are her thing. Her words inspire and her power is her voice. A California native with Trinidadian roots, she has penned personal essays, interviews, and lifestyle pieces for POPSUGAR, FEMI magazine, and SelfishBabe. Camille is currently creating a life she loves through words, self-love, fitness, travel, and empowerment. You can follow her on Instagram @cam_just_living or @written_by_cam.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy