As a recovering fixer, I’m guilty of trying to fix many men I've dated in the past, thinking if I'd "encourage" him to work on XYZ, he'd be a better partner for me. And to be honest, it wasn't healthy for me to find my worth in making him better versus accepting his character at face value. Instead, I should have been asking myself, can I see myself in alignment with him or is it better to just be friends? These are hard questions, I know, but essential ones you need to ask yourself in the earlier stages if you are looking to date intentionally based on your values and morals.
The author of Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships, Jayson Gaddis adds, “If I do all the work in our relationship, including paddling for both of us, and you sit on your ass, we will go in circles and never reach our destination.” What's more, instead of doing the work for two, focus on the things you need to work on for yourself and stop doing work that isn’t yours to do.
If you are finding yourself constantly trying to change your partner, here are a few things to keep in mind.
1.Ask yourself, 'Why do I want to change my partner?'
Eddie Murphy Ngapa GIFGiphyAs a recovering fixer, I have immense empathy for my fellow fixers reading this article because at most fixers’ core is the mindset to be of service in their romantic relationships. They often lead with acts of service being their primary love language, not realizing it’s causing more harm than helping anything.
As psychologist Kristin Davin, PsyD, states, “We often create an image of what we want our partner to be and focus on those traits that reinforce that image. However, over time, that lens shifts to one of wanting to change their partner."
Davin notes that some of the reasons for this include: "(1) By and large, women have an overly idealistic view of relationships. They want to change their partner to fit this idea. Men, on the other hand, think there is no need to change. (2) People have lofty expectations of both the relationship and their partner. So they start wanting their partner to change to meet those ideals. It rarely, if ever, works.”
She continues, “They may want to change their partner because there are things they don't like about them - that they often ignored in the beginning - but now have become problematic for them. As a result, relationship problems will evolve. And always trying to change your partner creates resentment. It is a relationship killer. They would rather focus on the other person meeting their needs, instead of looking inward and focus on how they can show up differently for their partner.”
Be aware of those deflectors; that’s a red flag when the other person is consistently focused on what you need to work on and not focusing on their growth or minimizing it, acting as if it’s minor compared to what you need to work on. Everyone’s battle is different, and that isn’t a healthy form of comparison as it shows a lack of accountability.
2.Are you dating their potential or who they are at face value?
I’m sure most people have dated a person or two based on “their potential.” But dating someone’s potential to some extent is a bit of a Russian roulette game based on the type of potential you're betting on. Some people aren’t even assessing a dating situation based on the other person's actions to make that potential a reality. The other person could be making no real progress, and then they are like, 'They’ll get there eventually.' That’s a bit unrealistic, but it happens more often than you can imagine.
As Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Kevin Mimms states, “There is a tendency to point toward potential (real or imagined) as a contrast to other, more damaging behavior. It may be that the potential they see is a projection of their hopes or ideals onto this person. To interpret thoughtless words or actions as demonstrative of childhood dreams is naive but understandable.”
It's important to be aware of the fact that the potential you see for a person might not be the potential they see for themselves. This form of projection is something we can sometimes subconsciously do. Instead, learn to lead by listening to understand and discerning a person’s motives by their actions.
“There is a thin line between seeing potential in someone and living your dream out through them. They may have potential, even one very similar to your dreams, but it isn’t about them when you make their growth about fulfilling your dreams.”
3.Is building a partner by trying to change them beneficial in the long run?
Fix It Fox Tv GIF by Lethal WeaponGiphyThe next time the idea of building a partner pops up, ask yourself why you want to take up that responsibility. Is there a part of you settling because you think your needs can’t be met, so you’re just trying to make this work? Are you subconsciously married to the timing you have for yourself for a relationship, marriage, kids, or all the above, making you force something that may not be for you in the long run?
As Licensed Mental Health Counselor Nicole Kleiman-Reck, LMHC, mentions, “I don’t think building a partner is beneficial since every person is unique and beautiful in his/her own way (and already fully built).” Let’s emphasize the “already fully built” part, which means there is no need for your tweaking for your personal self-gain that may not serve the person in the long run and could brew areas of resentment.
“Building a relationship with two partners is helpful, and this entails agreeing to disagree, choosing to tolerate, learning to compromise, and aiming to come to what feels like a 'win-win' outcome. It all boils down to learning to appreciate and value the different aspects that each person has to offer in the relationship, which is what makes a strong partnership based on interdependency (which is not the same as co-dependency or dependency).”
4.Introspection is key to stop trying to change a partner.
Turn inward. Building your self-awareness is essential for unlearning fixing in relationships. You may think it’s helpful in the moment, but in a long-term relationship, it will become mentally and emotionally depleting for both parties. As Davin states, “Work on yourself. The fixers are focused outside themselves and want to change and 'fix' another person rather than looking inward. Taking the time to be more introspective allows that person to question their 'fixing behavior' and what motivates them to continually engage in that behavior. It's very off-putting for the person they are trying to change."
"When we are focused on changing others, we aren't focused on what we need in a person and relationship and being honest about that but rather using our energy to change others. When we are focused on the other person, we turn our energy outwards.”
5.Understand the importance of dating people based on face value.
Dont Ever Change Season 2 GIF by Living SingleGiphyLet me explain, acceptance = peace.
As Kleiman-Reck suggests, “I think it is of the utmost importance to take people at face value and accept them based on where they are now. The thing is, you can ask someone to change, and you can inspire someone to change, but you cannot make them change. The better question is, what are YOU going to change to feel happier in your relationship (or in any aspect of life, for that matter)?” This is a tough question to ask oneself, but an essential one to train your mind back to working on the only person you can change, YOU!
“Life is too short to distract yourself from changing others. Changing your belief system on what makes a fulfilling relationship will help with acceptance and joy that is usually there for the taking.”
A healthy bond’s foundation starts and ends with acceptance. To my fixers, I know it’s not an easy fix, but it is a worthy one. Imagine a world of you just being responsible for how you show up in the relationship and not ignoring the red flags that he or she doesn’t have what you need but they have “potential.” Develop a new mindset of, "I’m not forcing anything, and I’m only aligning with people who are in a similar place as me."
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It is possible to rekindle the sexual spark in your life if the flame has fizzled out. There are a lot of easy fixes that are enjoyable. Getting out of a bedroom funk can be challenging, so here's what you need to do.
1.Scheduled Sex
YakobchukOlena/Getty Images
Yes, I know! Scheduling sex may not sound sexy, but it is important for people with busy lives to schedule sex regularly in order to maintain a healthy relationship. The act of scheduling sex is a great way for partners to maintain intimacy and satisfaction. Every other aspect of our lives is scheduled; vacations, lunch dates, birthdays, and holiday gatherings. Why not add sex to the list? Intentionally setting aside time for sex shows your partner that sex is important to you.
2.Spontaneous Sex
Yes, I just talked about scheduling sex, but couples should also have spontaneous sex! There's nothing better than spontaneous, out-of-the-blue sex! Seize sexual opportunities when they arise unexpectedly. Unscripted sex always reminds a couple of the fun they used to have at the beginning of their relationship.
3.Morning Sex
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Even though you may not have the freshest breath in the morning, sometimes you need more than an alarm clock to get you started. Plus, getting it on before sunrise has many benefits. The endorphins released during morning sex allow you to start your day feeling relaxed and energized.
4.Try-Something-New Sex
Once a quarter, every couple should try something new in the bedroom. A Google search and/or a trip to a sex shop are almost always required for this type of sex. There is nothing like trying out a new position or discovering different types of foreplay or having sex somewhere other than your bed to expand your sexual experience. Be adventurous and try things you haven't tried before.
5.Make-up Sex
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My toxic trait is fighting with my partner and then having wild make-up sex afterward. One minute you're hot with anger, and the next you're rolling around making passionate love like Yvette and Jody in Baby Boy. Fighting causes dopamine and adrenaline levels to rise, making you and your partner excitable in more ways than one. The reason why make-up sex works is that you are raw, exposed, and vulnerable after a fight, which makes for an ideal combination for hot, steamy sex.
6.Outdoor Sex
There is something exciting, fun, and risky about outdoor sex. It's something about the possibility of getting caught that gets people's sexual juices flowing. Outdoor sex feels naughty and rebellious. Although you may feel brazen, outdoor sex is all about avoiding getting caught. Almost all states prohibit public sex. Hence, plan ahead. Locate a place to get your rocks off that won't land you in jail
7.Romantic Sex
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Every now and then, we all like to be romanced. There is nothing like romantic sex to make you feel passionate, steamy, and intimate. It's all about foreplay, anticipation, and connection. You can connect with your partner by taking it slow and enjoying every moment. Make the mood more romantic by lighting candles, playing music, or having a few drinks.
8.Vacation Sex
Like Thanksgiving and turkey, vacations and sex go hand in hand. Vacations are perfect for rekindling a relationship as they give you more time for each other. Vacations should provide you with the opportunity to renew your sexual intimacy. Imagine yourself in a private room, disconnected from the daily routine of your daily life. Getting away from your usual routine is the thrill of vacation sex.
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Whether I’m on my knees, in complete control on top, or relishing in surrender while on my back, the pleasure I feel, the vulnerability I experience, and the touch, sight, and sounds of the man I’m writhing against as I reach my peak of completion are reminders of the power of great sex. Every time I breathe out “oh sí, oh sí” in rapid succession and the stroke hits my center just right, I’m also served a reminder of the gratitude that comes with cumming. But gratitude sex is more than being grateful for the actual act of sex, it's about placing yourself in positions (pun intended) where you can be on the receiving end of pleasure, attention, and appreciation.
This season, and any season really, I encourage you to add some gratitude to your sex life and give yourself permission to be the object of desire. As women, it turns us on to be the turn-on in sexual situations. And lately, the sex positions on my radar are a testament to that sentiment. The ‘gratitude’ sex positions below are positions that make my pleasure the focus. And trust and believe, the sex positions below are making sure your pleasure is served.
Keep reading for gratitude sex positions to try whenever you want to feel like the main course.
(Editor's note: "Receiving partner'" refers to the partner receiving the penetration. "Giving partner" refers to the partner doing the penetration.)
1.The Pretzel
Qori B.
Depending on who you ask, this sex position is referred to as the Pretzel or even the Linguini. Either way, it is a purveyor of earth-shattering orgasms (due to the depth both parties feel) that not enough people pull up on their sex position rotation. To do it, the receiving partner lies on their side. The giving partner will then kneel behind the receiving partner's ass before pushing one of their knees in between the receiving partner's legs for access to penetrate.
The receiving partner can relax while the giving partner does the work in this position but can also opt for using a headboard as support to throw it back. Anal play is also easy to add to this position.
2.Begging for Mercy
Qori B.
Although I am a big fan of doggy, I understand those who aren’t the biggest fan of the position. But if you love the depth of doggy style but don’t want to sacrifice a feeling of intimacy, look no further than this position. In this variation, instead of the receiving partner being on all fours, both partners will kneel and position themselves upright. The giving partner will enter from the back and the both of you will rock against each other. For maximum pleasure, the giving partner can play with your clit as the two of you writhe. Orgasms unlocked.
3.Asian Cowgirl
Qori B.
Very similar to the OG Cowgirl position, Asian Cowgirl is a variation of the classic woman-on-top sex position. I say if you have the knee and leg strength to do it, give this one a go because it's great if you're looking for a more intense ride and deeper penetration while being on top. In order to do this, the receiving partner will get on top of the giving partner and squat over them, resting their feet on the bed. The receiving partner will then move up and down along the giving partner's length, using the giving partner's legs or chest for support as needed.
4.The Bridge
Qori B.
The giving partner might have to put a little more work in for this one but the clitoris access makes it so worth it. For The Bridge position, the giving partner will prop themselves up on their hands and feet by making an arch. Once they are in position, the giving partner will kneel in front of the receiving partner and penetrate them. And then, the receiving partner just receives as the giving partner puts in the work with their stroke.
For added support, the giving partner can lift the receiving partner’s ass while thrusting. The giving partner can feel free to add some breast and nipple play into the mix while they’re at it for even more intensity.
5.Bent Spoon
Qori B.
A variation of the classic spooning sex position, the Bent Spoon is highly regarded as a catalyst for G-spot orgasms to be made possible. Balance is most definitely required, but the fruits of your labor will truly taste sweet. In order to do the Bent Spoon, the giving partner needs to lie on their back. After that, the receiving partner will get on top of the giving partner. In the end, they will both be facing upward while they are on top of each other. The giving partner will then spread their legs and bend their knees slightly to balance themselves.
Once they are both balanced, the receiving partner will bend their legs, bringing their knees higher to their chest as the giving partner begins their thrusts. For further support, the receiving partner can prop their feet on their partner's knees.
6.Rock the Boat
Qori B.
In this kneeling position, the giving partner will get on their knees and sit down against the backs of their legs. The receiving partner will then get on top of them by sitting down in a squat and taking in the giving partner’s length slowly. The magic is in the teamwork for this one. The receiving partner will use their legs for strength and balance as they move up and down the giving partner’s length. If additional support is needed, the receiving partner can wrap their arms around the giving partner’s neck.
7.Polar Opposites
Qori B.
You know what they say, opposites attract, and for this sex position, Polar Opposites highlight exactly why that is. To do this sex position, both partners will lie down facing upwards but in the opposite direction (as illustrated above). The giving partner will lie down first with their legs closed and the receiving partner will position themselves on top of them in the opposite direction. The giving partner will penetrate from behind while the giving partner is positioned on top of him. For more intensity, the receiving partner can close their legs more tightly, allowing the giving partner's head to rest comfortably between the receiving partner's feet.
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Before you shake your S.O. awake to begin interrogating them, it’s important to know that dreams of infidelity aren’t exactly uncommon. In fact, according to this study of 1,000 people, 31% of the women have dreamt of their partner cheating and 23% have dreamt of them cheating on their partners. (So, if this has happened to you, you are not alone!)
According to the Sleep Foundation, some psychologists argue that dreams provide insight into a person’s psyche or everyday life, while other psychologists find their content to be too “inconsistent or bewildering to reliably deliver any true significance.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I do believe that dreams *may* convey real information and that they often reflect our everyday thoughts and feelings — as well as our deepest desires and concerns. However, that doesn’t mean that each dream is to be taken literally. Cheating dreams could equate to you simply feeling a sense of neglect or abandonment in your relationship.
“When we dream, we are tapping into our subconscious mind,” explains astrologer, Ashanti Ransom, also known as The Heaux Healer on IG. “We are dreaming about any and everything that you’ve ever thought of, seen, or imagined. The subconscious is such a deep place that almost anything can pop up in the mind’s eye.”
So, why do people dream about cheating?
“Because we are human, we all will experience nightmares from time to time,” says Jacqueline ‘Dr. Jac’ Sherman, licensed clinical psychologist and intimacy and relationship coach. “Bad dreams about cheating can feel equivalent to a bad nightmare because the dream can cause emotional distress, and sometimes even cause sleep disturbances. Additionally, there is research that suggests that people who have experienced infidelity in their relationships are more likely to have bad dreams involving their partner betraying their trust by being unfaithful.”
What are some of the potential meanings behind cheating dreams?
“Sometimes when you are grieving a traumatic situation like finding out your partner has been cheating, it can trigger abandonment wounds in your subconscious mind which may lead to nightmares,” notes Dr. Jac. “Also, when a current relationship is going well and someone has been cheated on by an ex, they may be holding on to emotions such as fear, insecurity or worry that can create anxiety and bad dreams.”
“When a person is deeply in tune with [their] mind, body, and soul, a dream of a partner cheating could very well be a message from your spiritual team that it's time to pay attention to what's happening in the relationship in waking life,” says Ashanti. “It’s almost like a warning. You also want to pay attention to what's happening in the dream. What is your partner doing? How are they acting? This may give you a clear indication of what could be happening. It may also be a play-up on your fears from a previous relationship that you haven't taken the time to heal properly.”
Could cheating dreams be a result of a person’s intuition or could they be unchecked damage from a past relationship?
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“Honestly, it can be a little bit of both. Sometimes past relationship trauma or infidelity can trigger emotions of jealousy, paranoia, and fear that can result in bad dreams,” says Dr. Jac. “Additionally, our intuition can help us realize that something does not feel right. If someone is having an intuitive feeling that their partner is cheating, this might lead to more thought rumination about betrayal. As a result, their anxiety may increase resulting in bad dreams, and nightmares are a symptom of anxiety.”
“Whenever a woman feels any type of uneasiness about a situation, I recommend that she follow her gut feelings,” explains Ashanti. “However, the dating pool right now is leaving lots of suitors scarred mentally and emotionally so, it very well can be from past trauma. In my opinion, I feel like the dating generation right now is operating from a place of getting hurt or being hurt. Nobody wants to be the hurt person so everyone is trying to beat each other to it.”
What do we need to do with these dreams about being cheated on once we have them?
“Most importantly, pay attention! Pay attention to how the dream made you feel when you were in it,” Ashanti explains. “How did you react once you heard or saw the news unfold? There isn’t much you can do because it may or may not have happened yet. I would also recommend talking to your partner. Look for that reassurance in your partner so you can feel some type of ease.”
“If the dreams do not bother you, I would say do nothing, overall, they are just dreams!” says Dr. Jac. “If the dreams are bothering you emotionally and/or are recurrent, I would suggest journaling about the emotions the dream elites from you. Journaling helps to provide self-awareness and insight, so starting here can help you recognize any distress you may be feeling as a result of the dreams.”
Here are four journaling prompts Dr. Jac recommends for a self-reflection process:
- What do you imagine this dream might mean for your relationship?
- What do you imagine this dream might mean about your partner?
- Is there anything from your past that this dream has triggered?
- What emotion(s) do you feel after experiencing this dream?
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