And continuously returning to a toxic relationship is like sipping a slow poison that taints every aspect of one's being. Like the insidious pull of drug or alcohol addictions, these relationships wield a baffling power. Many stand on the sidelines, wondering why women don't just "walk away." The truth is the grip of a toxic relationship is often tight, anchored in deep emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical ties.
“I think that we have to understand societally that, number one, we tend to thrive in the idea of the toxic relationship just in general,” said Dr. Donna Oriowo, LICSW, M. ED, CST.
Dr. Donna Oriowo
Photo courtesy of Dr. Donna Oriowo
“We don't exactly revere, support, or uplift people who have a good relationship with themselves. And we often think of relationships as being proprietary, so someone that you would own or someone who would own your body and soul,” she added.
Dr. Oriowo is a sex and relationship therapist in the Washington DC metro area and the owner of AnnodRight. She primarily works with African-American women on issues related to sexuality, relationships, self-esteem, colorism, and texturism. Dr. Oriowo sat down with xoNecole to help us understand the addiction to a toxic relationship and person and the reasons behind it.
Are You Addicted to the Person or Relationship, or Both?
According to Banyan Mental Health, people can experience an addiction to another person. Their presence becomes a powerful draw, an overwhelming attraction that dominates your thoughts and actions. It's a tumultuous mix of emotions, where peaks of joy are intertwined with the pain they deliver. The same individual causing the pain transforms into the source of relief, a distorted dependency masquerading as comfort.
“A person can fall into a pattern of familiarity and seek out the type of relationships that would give them that same level of familiarity, something that you're used to, not necessarily that you're addicted to but something that you know,” Dr. Oriowo shared.
Breaking free feels daunting, like severing an invisible thread that tethers you to an emotional rollercoaster, especially if a couple is in the honeymoon phase.
The honeymoon phase of a toxic relationship can be deceivingly enchanting. At the outset, everything seems picture-perfect: intense affection, deep conversations, and overwhelming attention paint a facade of ideal love. This period often masks the lurking issues, as the involved individuals are deeply engrossed in the intoxicating whirlwind of passion. However, beneath this rosy surface lies a foundation not of trust and mutual respect but of manipulation and control, which soon surfaces once the initial euphoria fades.
“The honeymoon phase feels so great and so good, and then you feel so connected and so loved and so seen that everything else feels like a hiccup,” she explained.
Dr. Oriowo continued, “A hiccup that is avoided if you do something different or if they do something different or if you try something different so you may want to try different things but the tension building and thus the explosions. They often are not lessening as they're often getting worse. But that means we tend to cling to the parts we like.”
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Thriving in the Chaos of a Toxic Relationship
The chaos of a toxic relationship exerts a compelling allure for some. This attraction is not about a love for dysfunction; rather, it's deeply intertwined with the dynamics of addiction.
For instance, some individuals cling to the sporadic positive moments. Amid the pervasive conflict and hurt, these rare episodes of affection or reconciliation act as a powerful anchor. The pursuit of these fleeting instances of happiness often justifies enduring extended periods of pain.
In a toxic relationship, sexual intimacy can often play a significant role in keeping individuals tethered. The incredibly intense or fulfilling physical connection can be misconstrued as a sign of genuine affection or deep emotional bonding. In the context of behavioral psychology, such intimate moments can indeed be considered "intermittent rewards." The individual may then endure prolonged periods of distress, holding onto the hope for the next rewarding intimate moment, mistaking it as a sign that the relationship is salvageable or improving. This cyclical pattern of highs and lows can make breaking free from a toxic relationship even more challenging.
“When we're having sex with someone else, certain chemicals are released in the brain that help us to feel intimate and close with that person. So, it can make you feel like all the world is good,” Dr. Oriowo revealed. “Emily Nagurski’s book ‘Come As You Are’ also talks about how people talk about how great the sex is. When there is a level of emotional disconnect or uncertainty, the sex can feel like a connecting factor, so the sex feels even like it is the best sex ever. And it is enough to keep you there and keep you going [forward] and keep you staying there even though the relationship in and of itself is actually not that great and certainly not good for you.”
Another instance that keeps a woman in a toxic relationship is self-esteem. A woman's self-esteem profoundly influences her choice of partners and the dynamics she may unconsciously gravitate towards. When a woman views herself through a lens of doubt or inadequacy, she may find herself drawn to partners who echo or amplify these sentiments, thinking that's what she "deserves."
“Self-esteem greatly impacts partner choice, and I am writing a book about this. Our self-esteem is informed by what we know about ourselves; thus, how we feel about what we know, right? When you know yourself and like yourself, you are more likely to seek out people who want to be in a relationship with you, which also mimics how you are in a relationship with yourself. You're looking for people to be in concert with you, not people who will be in opposition to you,” Dr. Oriowo said.
“Women with higher self-esteem are less likely to choose partners they do not want. They're more likely to speak up for themselves. They're more likely to exit relationships that feel like they don't meet their desires, their wants, their needs,” she added.
Dr. Oriowo also noted that “self-esteem is on a spectrum.”
“It’s not you have it, or you don't. You may level up how you feel about yourself, that the current relationships you hold are no longer feeding you in the way that you need for it to feel like a reciprocal relationship,” she added.
Over time, this tolerance for harmful behavior can entrench her further in detrimental relationship patterns, making it challenging to recognize or seek healthier dynamics.
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The Fear of Being Alone
The fear of being single is a powerful force that can bind a woman to a toxic relationship. In a society that often equates partnership with success, validation, or completeness, the idea of solitude can seem daunting. This fear and societal pressure might push a woman to cling to a harmful relationship, choosing the familiarity of toxicity over the uncertainty of being alone.
“Many women often are in communities where it is so-called better to be in any relationship than be single. And so, the tolerance level for toxicity in relationships is greatly increased. Just because we are thinking about it may be perfectly sanguine and acceptable to be in a toxic relationship,” she stated.
“But I would also like to note that it seems that we are turning a corner where more women are perfectly sanguine, especially Black women, who seem to be leading the charge in this. They're perfectly sanguine and happy to remain single. If it means that they will not be in a subpar relationship,” Dr. Oriowo explained.
In understanding the intricate web of addiction to toxic relationships, Dr. Oriowo unraveled layers of emotional complexity, deeply rooted fears, and societal pressures. Though marred with dysfunction, these relationships mirror our vulnerabilities and the lengths an individual might go to seek validation or avoid pain. Recognizing the patterns can be the first step toward seeking healthier connections, breaking the addictive cycle, and finding genuine stability.
As you navigate our relational world, it's essential to prioritize emotional well-being, self-worth, and genuine connection over-familiar yet damaging cycles. Only then can someone break free and pave the way for healthier, fulfilling relationships they deserve.
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One way to learn self-love is by practicing daily affirmations. Affirmations are a powerful tool that can help foster self-acceptance and boost self-esteem. Here are 15 self-love affirmations you can incorporate into your daily routine, cultivate a positive mindset, and embrace your beauty, curves, and all.
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15 Self-Love Affirmations
I am worthy of love and respect, regardless of my size. In a society that often equates worth with physical appearance, it is essential to remind yourself that your size does not define your value. You deserve love, respect, and happiness just as you are.
I embrace my body and celebrate its strength and beauty. Shift your focus from perceived flaws to appreciating the strength and beauty of your body. Recognize all that your body has accomplished and the unique ways it carries you through life.
I am more than my physical appearance; my worth extends far beyond my size. Your worth as an individual goes beyond physical appearances. Emphasize your accomplishments, intelligence, kindness, and qualities that make you remarkable.
I choose to surround myself with people who uplift and support me. Surround yourself with positive influences who celebrate your body and encourage your self-love journey. Seek out friends, family, and communities embracing body diversity and encouraging self-acceptance.
I release the need for society's validation and define my own beauty standards. Challenge societal beauty standards and define beauty on your own terms. Reject that your worth depends on external validation and embrace your unique beauty.
I release the need for society's validation and define my own beauty standards. Challenge societal beauty standards and define beauty on your own terms. Reject that your worth depends on external validation and embrace your unique beauty.
I am grateful for my body, and all it does for me.Practice gratitude for your body and all the incredible things it allows you to do. Focus on your body's functionality, strength, and resilience rather than its appearance.
I am comfortable and confident in my own skin. Develop a sense of comfort and confidence in your own skin. Recognize that your worth is not contingent upon fitting into societal norms but on your ability to embrace and express yourself authentically.
I nourish my body with love and kindness. Adopt a self-care routine that emphasizes nourishing your body physically, mentally, and emotionally. Prioritize activities and practices that make you feel good, whether nourishing foods, exercise, mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy.
I am an advocate for body positivity and inclusivity. Become an advocate for body positivity and inclusivity for yourself and others. Spread awareness, challenge stereotypes, and promote acceptance of all body types.
I am allowed to set boundaries and prioritize my well-being. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love. Recognize your limits and prioritize your well-being. Surround yourself with people who respect and support your boundaries.
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I am proud of my journey and the person I am becoming. Acknowledge and celebrate your journey of self-love and personal growth. Embrace the person you are becoming and take pride in your accomplishments, both big and small.
I forgive myself for opposing thoughts or judgments about my body. Release yourself from the burden of self-judgment. Forgive yourself for any negative thoughts or judgments you may have held about your body in the past. Choose to focus on self-acceptance and compassion instead.
I forgive myself for opposing thoughts or judgments about my body. Release yourself from the burden of self-judgment. Forgive yourself for any negative thoughts or judgments you may have held about your body in the past. Choose to focus on self-acceptance and compassion instead.
I am beautiful, inside and out. Recognize and affirm your own beauty, both inside and out. Remember that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes; your unique qualities make you truly beautiful.
I choose self-love over self-criticism. Make a conscious choice to replace self-criticism with self-love. Whenever negative thoughts arise, redirect your focus to affirmations that promote self-acceptance and self-care.
I am enough, exactly as I am. Embrace the powerful affirmation that you are enough, exactly as you are. Remember daily that your worth is not defined by your size or appearance but by your inherent value as a human being.
Embrace your body, celebrate your worth, and stand as a beacon of empowerment for other plus-size women on their own self-love journeys. You are beautiful, and you are deserving of love and acceptance exactly as you are.
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Next, look for interchangeable pieces. I love to mix and match to create a look, and I want to wear items that can carry into other seasons. Luckily, finding trendy plus-size resort wear that matches these criteria is easy. So, whether you are searching for something flowy or more revealing, you won’t be disappointed because we have curated a list of this year’s best plus-size resort wear.
Lissette Sheer Tropical Print Wide Leg Pant W. Pockets ($39.90)
(Via Rebdolls)
Rebdolls will always be a favorite due to their sizes, ranging from 0 to 32. Therefore, we are starting this list with the Lissette Sheer Tropical Print Wide Leg Pant W. Pockets These are the perfect sheer pants to add to your vacation wardrobe. It is a part of the “Intro to Summer” Collection and can be dressed up or down. These wide-leg pants are ideal for rectangle and triangle body shapes.
Lisette Sheer Tropical Print Button-Up Shirt ($39.90)
(Via Rebdolls)
Of course, we needed the matching button-up top to match the pants. The Lisette Sheer Tropical Print Button-Up Shirt is the perfect combo with its wide-leg companion above. Whether you wear it over matching pants or as a twist-tie top with a pair of jean shorts, this shirt will not disappoint.
Plus Crochet Ruched Beach Dress ($24.00)
(Via Boohoo)
Boohoo is a hot spot for summer options and consistent sales, making them extremely affordable. Their Plus Crochet Ruched Beach Dress is great for relaxing at the pool or beach. The material is lightweight, and the ruched detail is flattering for all body shapes.
Plus Rust Linen Look Ruched Side Split Midi Dress ($34.00)
(Via Pretty Little Thing)
This is for the girlies who love a high slit. The Plus Rust Linen Look Ruched Side Split Midi Dress from PLT is a must-have glam piece for your getaway. Heads will turn as you walk through any resort or new destination, and it’s flattering for all body types.
Curve & Plus Satin Floral V-Neck Ruffle Hem Dress ($30.00)
(Via ShopCider)
Asymmetrical is in this summer! And adding the Curve & Plus Satin Floral V-Neck Ruffle Hem Dress from Cider is the statement piece to add to your plus-size resort wardrobe. In addition, an asymmetrical dress is flattering for rectangular body shapes.
Satin Duster | Orange Mix ($62.95)
(Via Divno jé)
There’s something about a duster that makes you feel like you’re gliding while you walk. The Satin Duster (Orange Mix) from Divno jé is a showstopping piece that will compliment your tank dresses, shirt, and jeans. This long duster is flattering for all body shapes.
MakeMeChic Women's Plus Size Casual 2 Piece ($40.99)
(Via Amazon)
The MakeMeChic is a cute, casual addition every girl needs. You can add a cropped or regular tank or nothing underneath. The fabric is comfortable and perfect for a beach day or island excursion. Depending on how you choose to style, this set is excellent for all body types.
Gabi Fresh Swim x ELOQUII Ring Front Cutout Coverup Maxi Dress with High Slit ($119.95)
(Via Eloquii)
Gabi Fresh has done it again with her latest collection at Eloquii. This Ring Front Cutout Coverup Maxi Dress with High Slit is a relaxed fit, and the cinched-waist maxi dress is gorgeous. It has cut-outs and a high slit. This dress would work well with an hourglass body shape.
Mini Challis Off Shoulder Hi-Low Skirt Set ($47.95)
(Via Torrid)
This dazzling set is ideal for any cruise, beach day, or stroll through a seaside town. The Mini Challis Off Shoulder Hi-Low Skirt Set gives “main character” vibes. Another two-piece set that can be worn together or separately.
Plus Khaki Twill Cargo Midaxi Skirt ($24.00)
(Via PLT)
Two fashion trends that are in this season are cargo pants and maxi skirts. And Pretty Little Things gives us both with their Plus Khaki Twill Cargo Midaxi Skirt. Style with a combat boot or heel. This is another piece that suits all body shapes.
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