How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser & Start Doing You
I'll be honest. When it comes to a lot of the content that I write, on some level, I am able to personally relate to the topic. People-pleasing, though? Eh. Not so much. If anything, I'm a recovered-codependent-anti-people pleaser which comes with its own pros and cons, believe you me. At the same time, I do have a close friend who is a self-professed people-pleaser. We talk about it fairly often. "It" being how, on the surface, being a people-pleaser seems like a selfless way to live your life. But man, when a people-pleaser shows clear signs of being super needy, a doormat or the kind of individual who constantly has their kindness mistaken for weakness, that can be a really hard—and counterproductive—way to live your life.
Take my friend's marriage, for example. She's a people-pleaser while her husband is semi-controlling. Yeah, I know that semi-controlling is almost as contradictory as being "a little pregnant"; the reason why I phrased it that way is because he's not so much abusive as he just…he doesn't really get how to be in a partnership. He likes to run the show and, since she's a people-pleaser, sometimes he has to be reminded that his wife is not his child. It's taken years of therapy for them to strike up a balance between both "vices".
It's actually because of what she sometimes has to go through that I was inspired to pen this piece. Because again, although people-pleasing may seem altruistic on the surface, at the end of the day, all it really ends up doing is depleting you of time, energy and, to a certain degree, your very best self.
How can you know for sure that you are a people-pleaser? See if you can personally relate to the following seven signs. If so, that is definitely your starting point onto the way towards healing and recovery.
You Take Responsibility for Other People’s Stuff
She talks crazy to you and you apologize to her for it. He breaks another date and somehow you find a way to make it be your fault. Your boss doesn't finish their part of a project (for the fifth time, mind you), so you stay late to complete it and still let them take the credit. These are just a few examples of what it means to take responsibility for other people's stuff. To a people-pleaser, it's usually done to either keep the peace or so that the person who should be held accountable will appreciate or like them more. But usually, all it does is put the pleaser in the position of being taken advantage of or being treated like a doormat. Because, as the old adage goes, "People do as much as you allow them to."
How to Stop This Habit: A responsible human being is accountable for their own actions. You know what else they are? They are someone who makes sure to hold others accountable for their actions as well. If someone gets out of pocket in how they communicate with you, tell them. If ole' boy has already broken off a couple of dates, let him know that you're good with taking a pass on the next one. Your boss? Hold a meeting with them to go back over your job description. If they blow you off, as I always say, just about every boss has a boss. Report 'em. It's one thing to grant someone a little mercy and grace when they mess up, but that doesn't mean that there shouldn't also be consequences for their actions; especially when the actions are repetitive. Real talk, some people do not learn any other way.
You Freak Out When Others Are Upset with You
I don't know anyone who really likes to have someone upset with them. Well, gaslighters and folks that like to kick up drama do; hopefully, you are self-aware enough to keep a lot of them out of your personal space. Anyway, another sign of being a people-pleaser is you get really upset when someone else is upset with you. This tends to happen if you tell them "no" and they get mad. Now you're all shook up. Or you tell them something about themselves that they don't want to hear, they pull back a little and now you're imagining worst case scenarios about y'all's relationship. Or—and these folks are the worst—someone is passive aggressive or suddenly giving you the silent treatment and you can't sleep or are a total wreck over it.
This is kind of a weird sign of being a people-pleaser because, low-key, it's got some controlling tendencies attached to it. When you get upset because someone is upset with you, it's kind of like saying that you are mad or hurt because they expressed how they felt about something. It's like you are taking in their energy just because you don't want them to have a particular emotion in the first place. But remember, they have a right to feel, however it is that they do. Let them. Oh, and try not to make their emotions a bigger issue than it is. If they are upset, give them the space to process. Don't look at it as being any deeper than that…unless or until they tell you otherwise.
How to Stop This Habit: Own what's yours. Let them own what's theirs. What I mean by that is it takes a lot of maturity and emotional intelligence to know that no one really and truly has the power to make anyone feel a certain type of way. So, if someone in your life is upset because of something that you said or did, yes, be caring enough to address it and hear them out. But always remember that you don't have to get all in shambles about it. More times than not, all that tends to do is make matters worse in the long run.
You’re Constantly Apologizing (Even When It’s Not Your Fault)
Off top, I think the reason why a lot of people apologize for things that aren't their fault is it probably is connected to something in their childhood. Children are so innocent and resilient in the way that they love that a people-pleaser who was around a lot of abuse or turmoil, they might've said "I'm sorry" in hopes that it would immediately make things better. Another scenario could be something that one of my friends (who is a self-professed people-pleaser) once told me. She said that she apologizes a lot because she feels like when someone is disappointed, somehow, even if it's just a little bit, it has to do with her.
While it's admirable to be humble enough to apologize when you do need to take ownership for your actions, the problem with apologizing for things that aren't your fault is you take on responsibilities and burdens that you shouldn't own; even if it's just in your own mind. Before long, that can really start to take an emotional toll on you. Or it can do what the title of an article says that it can—"Stop saying 'I'm sorry.' Research says it makes others think less of you—here's what successful people do instead".
How to Stop This Habit: When it comes to breaking this particular habit, first, stop saying "I'm sorry." Even when something is your fault, you should stop doing that. You are not "sorry"; you apologize. And if you're trying to break the habit of apologizing when it's not your fault, before you allow those words to come out of your mouth, stop and think about if whatever it is that transpired really is connected to something you did do or should have done. If it doesn't, don't apologize. None of us is perfect. You'll have plenty of opportunities to take ownership for things that you did do wrong (or could've done better). Don't unnecessarily stress yourself out by also piling on words and actions that, at the end of the day, have absolutely nothing to do with you.
You’re Non-Confrontational. To Your Detriment.
Being non-confrontational is soooo not a part of my personality wheelhouse. I'm the kind of person who is more in the lane of "The sooner we get this thing addressed, the sooner we can move on to what's next." Next. But I know some people who are the opposite of me. When something or one bothers them, they will bite their tongue or suppress their feelings. In their mind, they think that it's "keeping the peace". But if it's at the cost of them being happy, toxic patterns never changing or even their health being at risk, how peaceful is it?
How to Stop This Habit: If you know that this is your biggest trait when it comes to being a people-pleaser, my first recommendation would be to read articles like "How Being Non-Confrontational Has Held Me Back in Life", "The Hidden Cost of Being Non-Confrontational" and "6 Ways To Conquer The Fear Of Confrontation", just so you can see how much it is actually costing you.
Now, I'll be the first to say that being confrontational should not mean that you should go on the attack, say everything that's on your mind or that you should be rude or mean. As India.Arie once said, as you're mastering the art of confrontation, you will have moments when you'll need to learn how to come "Back to the Middle" between saying nothing and being "on 10" all of the time. But the more that you learn the value in your voice, the more you'll be able to find ways to please yourself as much as you're trying to please others too. There will be a balance and balance is always good.
You’re Scared to Set Boundaries
A violation of boundaries. Chile, I just recently had this happen to me. Anyone who knows me knows that if there is something that is an ultimate pet peeve, it's showing up at my place unannounced. I don't think it's cute or sweet or anything of the sort. Well recently, someone who I explicitly told not to did. Not only did they come but they tried to regulate what I said in response to them doing so. They had already pushed it way too far by showing up at all, but when they tried to dictate my reaction, my immediate response was, "It's time to get out." I don't feel the least bit bad or guilty about it either because my home is my place of peace. Not only were they not invited to my home, they brought any and everything but that into it. Plus, they straight up violated a boundary which is the epitome of disregard and disrespect.
If you're a people-pleaser, you probably read that and was like, "I could never put a person out of my house." Instead, you probably would've kept letting the drama ensue. That's because people-pleasers don't really get the concept of boundaries; especially when it comes to setting some. But trust me, boundaries, even if they are uncomfortable at first, are one way for you to develop a backbone while setting limits for yourself so that you know how to make the most of your time, effort and even emotions.
How to Stop This Habit: I plug this book often because that's how bomb it is.Boundaries is something that I think every person should have in their personal library. It's a read that serves as a great reminder that boundaries are healthy, necessary and beneficial to every human being. It's all about setting limits and then enforcing them to people who try and push past them. In learning how to set my own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others, I have learned, firsthand, that boundaries are a form of respect. I've also learned that once boundaries are clearly made and they are ignored, that is a form of disrespect. A lot of people-pleasers are very unhappy deep down inside because their lack of limits (boundaries) result in them being disrespected time and time again. There ain't nothin' helpful or beneficial about that.
You Tolerate Abuse. Any Form of Abuse.
When it comes to abuse, there are other kinds besides the physical. You can be emotionally, mentally, financially, sexually (this includes if you're in a relationship with someone and they force you to do something that you don't want to do) and even spiritually abused. Another form of abuse is abandonment or neglect. Unfortunately, when it comes to abuse, people-pleasers are oftentimes the victim of it.
There are a few reasons why. One is because a lot of people-pleasers are compassionate individuals; they are more concerned with helping the person through their abusive traits than protecting themselves. Another reason is because they are horrible when it comes to boundaries. Oftentimes this is because they weren't properly taught them while they were growing up. Another reason is because they believe that if they love someone enough, give to someone enough, tolerate their poor behavior long enough, the person will change. Actually, the reality is, abusers can only change when they want to. And, it's best for them to do it when they are working on things with a therapist not via a relationship.
The really sad thing about a people-pleaser is folks who can see what is transpiring aren't always able to pull a people-pleaser out of the mire. That's because, if they're not careful, something else that people-pleasers have a tendency to become are mini-saviors. They want to "save" their abuser rather than release them so that they can learn how to stand on their own two feet.
How to Stop This Habit: One of the best things for this kind of people-pleaser to do is to get into their own therapy. There's a pretty good chance that the reason why they tolerate abuse is either because they don't think they deserve better or they were in a toxic situation while growing up; the kind that made them think that they were supposed to "grin and bear" through abuse with their own relatives. The reality is when a people-pleaser is involved with an abuser, it takes a lot of work to break the habit. Almost as much as the abuser needs, to be honest with you.
You’re a Chameleon
Chameleons are fascinating; at least they are to me. Although they tend to think that they are flexible and adaptable to their surroundings, what they really come across as being, more times than not, is disingenuous. Oh, and inconsistent. While they are with their church-going crowd, they are one way. When they are with their friends, they are another way. When they are alone, they are someone else. It's almost like they have multiple personalities. Like I said, they're fascinating individuals. (If you want to dive deeper into what a chameleon is like, check out "The Social Chameleon Personality: Traits, Pros, Cons, And More".)
Some people? They're chameleons because for them, it's a form of hustling. They change themselves into whomever they need to be in order to get whatever it is that they want from someone else. Then there are those who are that way because they want to please whoever they are around at the time. They want to be accepted and liked so much that if they've got to "switch up" in order to get along, they'll do that.
Hmph. The problem with being this kind of people-pleaser is if you're out here always accommodating others, when do you possibly get around to figuring out who is at the core of your being so that you can know what you like, need and want in order to live your own best life?
How to Stop This Habit: This one is pretty simple. Be yourself. Everywhere you go. Take out a month and be intentional about being the same person in every circle that you're in. I won't lie to you, if you've never done that before, you might go through a bit of an identity crisis. Work through it by spending more time alone, taking personality tests and even asking some of the nearest and dearest to your heart just how they perceive you—the good, bad and indifferent.
The more time you spend getting to know you at your core, the more you'll be able to silence the chameleon, feel confident that people like you for your real self and you won't have to go through all of the internal upheavals that come with always changing who you are in order to please others. Whew, chile. Talk about freedom!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The Art Of Saying "No" To Things You Don't Want To Do
6 Signs You Are WAY Too Self-Critical
Self-Truths That Will Stop You From Settling For Less
Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone "Friend"
Feature image by Giphy
- On Being A Recovering People-Pleaser... - xoNecole ›
- Zendaya On Learning To Stop People-Pleasing & Start Trusting Her ... ›
- Being A People-Pleaser Taught Me The Power Of The Word "No ... ›
- How to Stop Being a People Pleaser - YouTube ›
- 6 Ways to Stop Being a People Pleaser at Work - The Muse ›
- 6 Steps to Stop People Pleasing and Start Doing You | Science of ... ›
- How to stop being a people pleaser ›
- 5 Tips to Help You Stop Being a People Pleaser ›
- How to Stop Being a People Pleaser ›
- 5 Practices That Helped Me Stop Being a People-Pleaser - Tiny ... ›
- How I Learned to Stop Being a People-Pleaser | Psychology Today ›
- 21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images