What Is 'Psychological Flexibility' & Why It's A Marriage's Superpower
It (almost) never fails. Whenever I'm having a session with a married couple, either the husband or wife (usually the husband) says something along the lines of, "What's the bottom line thing that we can learn to make our marriage better?" Usually what this boils down to is, "Is there some sort of trick that you can teach us so that my partner will quit hounding me about counseling and I don't have to sit through a ton of these hour-long chat sessions?"
While it's unfortunate that a lot of couples don't seek out a couch/counselor/therapist until their marriage house has about burned to the ground (which means by then, there is absolutely no quick fix, by the way), if you are married and you're looking for a proactive hack that can save you and your beloved a lot of unnecessary irritation, I've got one for you. It's called psychological flexibility and it's a real lifesaver if you want to keep your relationship on track.
What Does It Mean to Be a Flexible Person?
Anyone who is single and reading this, let me tell you something that will save you a lot of unnecessary drama when it comes to long-term relationships—if you are an inflexible individual, you don't need to be in one. While a very simple definition of flexible is to bend without breaking, when it comes to dealing with other folks—folks who are flawed and are going to disappoint you, just as you do them sometimes—another word to keep in mind is "adaptable".
A flexible person is able to adapt to different circumstances and situations. When I think of all of this, there's a Scripture that comes to mind (more on that in a bit) and also a Bruce Lee quote. He once said, "Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend." Water? It's flexible. It definitely knows how to adapt as well.
Signs That a Person Is Flexible:
- They can cope well when things shift or change.
- They aren't rigid or stubborn.
- They are quick thinkers and solutions-oriented.
- They aren't hypersensitive and don't get triggered easily.
- They're emotionally intelligent.
- They have a good sense of self-worth.
- They can see the humor in themselves, others, and situations.
- They apply creative approaches to matters.
- They tend to live in the moment.
- THEY CAN LET GO OF STUFF.
I know, right? That really is quite the list yet, just imagine how many relationships—personal and professional—would remain healthy and intact if both people knew how to be this way. I oftentimes say that marriage ain't for punks and it's not. If you're single and you already know that you struggle, BIG TIME, when it comes to the 10 things that I just mentioned, take some time to get stronger in these areas before jumping anybody's broom.
It's hard to have a healthy marriage and to be an emotionally safe individual if you don't know how to laugh during stressful moments, not dwell on the past, try and find the remedy to situations and get out of your own way for the sake of the greater good. No doubt about it.
What Is Psychological Flexibility and How Does It Help Relationships?
OK, so with some of what it means to be a flexible individual in mind, let's look at what psychological flexibility is. At the end of the day, probably the most simplified way to explain it is, that it's when you are so self-aware that when an unpleasant feeling transpires, rather than lashing out or even suppressing your emotions, you get into the moment to really process what's happening, all the while accepting that 1) good and bad times happen to everyone; 2) there is probably a lesson that can be learned that you're open to; 3) you are willing to let the feeling pass, and 4) you won't let it ultimately deter you from achieving the goals that you've already set. I know, right? That is a tall AF order; especially when you're trying to make life happen with another individual who may not be the most flexible person on the planet. Still, just think about how freeing it is to handle your world when you're in this kind of head and heart space.
Here's an example of how it all works. Say that your husband invited your mother-in-law over for dinner without running it by you first. Since she's already not your most favorite person on the planet, not only do you feel like he didn't respect your feelings by asking you ahead of time but he also kind of took a dismissive approach to the fact that dealing with this mother is challenging, even on a good day. Where psychological flexibility comes in is, instead of flying off of the handle or doing that ever-so-annoying (to me) passive-aggressive, "Fine. It's fine", only to half-speak and makes everyone uncomfortable once your mother-in-law does arrive, you allow yourself to feel what you feel, you try and figure out what the universe wants to teach you in the moment and you don't let the matter get so big that it ultimately puts a wedge between you and your man.
Taking this approach makes it easier to walk away, soak in the tub and then come back and say, "Babe, I love you and I know you love your mom. But for things to run smoothly when she comes to visit, I've got to feel like you care enough about my feelings and boundaries that you would run invites past me first. It helps me to process everything, to plan around a time when I know I can handle it and that keeps everyone feeling more comfortable in the long run." See how dope psychological flexibility is?
Psychological flexibility helps you to be less negative.
Psychological flexibility helps you to adapt to your surroundings better.
Psychological flexibility helps you to see the bigger picture.
5 Tips for Being More (Psychologically) Flexible in Your Marriage
OK, so remember how I said earlier that when I think of what it means to be flexible, a Scripture oftentimes comes to mind? I Corinthians 13:4 starts off by telling us that "love is patient". It can't be said enough that being patient isn't just about knowing how to wait well (although that's quite the feat, if you can pull it off); being patient is also about "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like." Again, singles, if you suck at being patient, marriage isn't for you. Not right now, anyway. If you're married and reading this, best-selling author Tony Robbins once said, "Stay committed to your decisions but flexible in your approach." Honor your vows to remain in your marriage yet be flexible when it comes to the day to day of being married. This includes know how to handle provocation, annoyances and hardships with the mindset of flowing like water—of embracing psychological flexibility.
So now that there is (hopefully) a better understanding of what psychological flexibility is, perhaps you are wondering about some of the things you can do to be more flexible in your marital union. Here are a few that immediately come to mind.
1. Accept that your partner is not you.
This alone is a total game-changer because far too many people spend (or is it waste?) precious time trying to turn their spouse into another version of them (which is pretty arrogant when you think about it) rather than embrace that the differences are what can help them to learn and evolve more as an individual. (Hmph. Talk about really applying psychological flexibility, chile.)
2. Don't try and change what is unchangeable.
You might wish that your husband was more outgoing. Or wasn't so close to his mama. Or cleaned the dishes better. While your influence can (and should) play a role in improving your partner in some ways, first, humility teaches that certain things aren't right or wrong just because you aren't that way. Second, psychological flexibility is also about learning how to not sweat the small stuff and not use blood, sweat and tears to try and change…what probably won't.
3. Deal with matters as they come.
If there is one thing that pretty much every husband has told me drives them absolutely up the wall when it comes to dealing with their wife, it's that they have a tendency to blow things out of proportion by making mountains out of molehills. Like, if a bill is due and money is tight, all of a sudden the issue is about what's gonna happen three months from now if more money doesn't come in. Tomorrow is not promised. Even the Good Book tells us not to be consumed with it (Matthew 6:34). The bill is the issue today. Deal with what needs to be done in the moment. Tomorrow will come…later.
4. Forgive.
Whew. It always amazes me how the folks who don't think others deserve forgiveness typically believe that this resolve applies to everyone but them. One of the best ways to be a flexible person is to forgive others because it teaches you how to let ish go. Emotionally intelligent folks already know that they are gonna not rise to the occasion all of the time. That mindset helps them to be willing to forgive others, so that bitterness and resentment don't set it. In either direction.
5. Be open to growth.
One of the things that I respect the most about marriages that see well past a decade is, since people grow and change over time, it's remarkable that two individuals are able to do that in the same household while sharing the same bed. Beautiful. Flexibility is all about moving with the way things evolve. Accepting that you are gonna change, many times, and that your partner is going to do the same, with the commitment you made, you are still willing to support one another, profoundly so, throughout those changes. That is psychological flexibility 2.0 style. And it's a marital superpower unlike no other. Apply it. Watch how your marriage soars once you do.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images