During an interview not too long ago, someone asked me a question that I think more therapists and life coaches (hell, people who work in the mental health field on any level, to be honest) should be asked more often: “So Shellie, how do you not become jaded when working with people who complain a lot?”
LISTEN. That really is a layered question because, when you work with couples, it is indeed true (unfortunately) that a lot of them come to you to save their marriage once it’s on life support instead of doing routine maintenance as they would when it comes to changing the oil in their car. So, if you’re considering hitting up a marriage “expert,” first, we can’t do more work than you’re willing to (and boy, that will preach!). Secondly, the effort we put in will be futile if both parties aren’t willing to take some personal accountability for their actions or lack thereof (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”).
Okay, but back to what I was asked. For one thing, I receive confirmations, almost on a daily basis, that I am living out my purpose — and when you know that you’re doing what you were put on the planet to do, that fuels you like nothing else can or will. Secondly, my clients know that I am uber-focused on working together to find solutions within each and every session; the “Hmm…tell me more about that” while saying nothing coach, I am not. Third, I am careful about the kind of energy I take in on the days when I have sessions (especially if it’s gonna be more than one), from who I talk to on the phone, what I watch on television, and what I consume online. And finally, a sistah is good for some naps. Naps are king.
As for my third point, did you catch that in order for me to help people effectively, I have to be intentional about avoiding toxicity and negativity? And you know what? When it comes to keeping your marriage healthy, the same mindset must be considered. One way to do that is to apply what is called the “5:1 Ratio.” And that is just what we’re gonna get into today.
The Magic Ratio: The 5:1 Ratio in Relationships
What Is the 5:1 Ratio in Marriage All About?
GiphySo…some backstory on the 5:1 Ratio. Back in the 70s, a man by the name of Dr. Robert Levenson and another man by the name of Dr. John Gottman decided to conduct some studies on how people resolve conflict. What they would ask couples to do is strive to resolve an issue that they were having in no more than 15 minutes (hmph…some of y’all like to hold grudges for days on end, so I already know this would be quite the feat…SMDH).
After spending several years evaluating this practice, they were able to predict which couples would be able to go the distance vs. which ones would probably end up in divorce court with an amazing 90 percent accuracy rate. The conclusion that they came to is healthy/happy couples practice the 5:1 Ratio while unhealthy/unhappy couples do not.
And just what is the 5:1 Ratio? What it all boils down to is for a marriage to thrive — especially on a mental and emotional level — there needs to be five positive interactions for every one negative interaction that transpires.
For instance, if you and your husband get into a disagreement about household chores, that is the “one” negative, yet if you’re able to crack jokes, laugh, exchange some level of intimacy, playfully tease, and hear each other out without any cynicism or sarcasm, that counts as “five” positives — and so long as that type of 5-to-1 engaging is going on, you should be (relatively) fine.
Oh, I know for a fact that there are all kinds of truth up in this because, even in my sessions, I’ve got clients who can give me about 10 negative interactions in under 60 minutes while getting them to say or do anything positive is like performing an impromptu root canal on them. Why is that the case? I think a part of it has to do with how much negativity bias goes down in relationships. Let me explain.
How to Keep Negativity Bias from Infecting Your Marriage
Giphy“Leaning into the negative” is actually a real thing; it’s called negativity bias. It basically means that humans tend to respond/react to negative way stronger than they do to positive stuff. That’s why, for instance, if someone asks you to list 10 things that you like about yourself vs. 10 things that you don’t, not only will it (probably) be easier for you to run down the things that you don’t like, you will probably start out with those things as well.
Yeah, negativity bias is wild because if you were to read up on it, you’d learn that it’s why a lot of us find bad news to hold more truth and merit to it than good news and/or why people have a hard time reaching a goal or completing a plan because they tend to be more focused on what they will lose by putting forth the effort than what they actually stand to gain. So, if just one person struggles with staying on top of not “falling victim” to negativity bias…think how much more effort it takes to not let it influence you when it comes to your relationships with other people. Especially your marriage.
For instance, if your husband comes home in a bad mood, think about how much easier it is to absorb his negative energy due to y’all’s emotional closeness and the physical proximity of his presence alone. Before you know it, now you both are salty as hell. Then, if you decide to have a conversation about the household budget (which is usually not the most comfortable conversation to have, even on the best of days) and the two of you are already in a “glass half empty kind of mood” — here comes assuming, accusing and gaslighting. See what I mean?
This is a part of the reason why premarital counseling is so important because, real talk, one reason why so many marriages fail is because one or both people were too negative for that kind of commitment in the first place. Let’s be real: how are you going to compromise, be flexible, not be selfish, be solutions-oriented, and be open to seeing things from another person’s perspective if you permeate negative energy all over the place? YOU’RE NOT.
So, while we’re here, if you’re reading this and you happen to be unmarried yet are in a serious relationship, here are some signs that you and/or your partner are a very negative type of individual:
- You tend to look at things from a worst-case-scenario perspective;
- You don’t deal with stress well;
- You want to control everything;
- You use “always” and “never” a lot (which means that you see things in extremes, which isn’t healthy);
- You’re inflexible;
- You hardly ever see the silver lining or bright side of things;
- You critique everything and everyone;
- You don’t know how to compromise or negotiate;
- Damn near every conversation turns into a debate;
- You’re draining to be around.
If you can relate to three or more of these traits, the good news is you can change things around (with the help of some therapy and/or life coaching)…if you choose to. The challenging news is you really should wait before trying to take your relationship to the next level. Marriage already requires quite a bit of energy and effort — it’s already gonna stretch and challenge you in ways that no other relationship (in your entire life) will; if you’re a negative person, you’re already setting yourself up to see a judge grant you a divorce someday. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you.
Okay, but what if you’re already married, you didn’t really know as much about how negativity can infect your union and you want some help to make things better? Well, now that you know what the 5:1 Ratio is, let’s talk about a few ways that you can implement it — starting now. Like…right now.
The Magic Ratio: How to Use the 5:1 Ratio in Relationships
5 Tips for Effectively Applying the 5:1 Ratio to Your Relationship. Starting Today.
Giphy1. Tell your partner what you appreciate about them. Author H. Jackson Brown, Jr. once said, “Don’t forget; a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.” Appreciation is about making someone feel valued; it’s about letting them know what, about them, you are grateful for. I guarantee you that if you show appreciation to your partner, in the midst of whatever conflict or issues may be transpiring, it’s going to make things go over more smoothly. It tends to make working through matters easier, too, because they know that you see the good that they bring to the table in the midst of the challenges that are happening.
2. Stop taking them and/or yourself so seriously. Two things that are true about conflict: it’s gonna happen, and it’s not the end of the world. Listen, the couples in my world who hold grudges for days (which is silly and counterproductive; I can’t say that enough) are the ones who either take themselves or their partner way too seriously. What I mean by that is, they’re wound up (or expect their partner to be), they can’t take a joke (or won’t “let” their partner make one), and/or they would rather be right than happy (have mercy!) You are going to create more problems than resolve the ones that you have if everything is so strict and rigid for you. In other words, goodness — learn to lighten up.
3. Value your partner’s perspective. Real talk, if you think that you’re the only one who has wisdom, insight, perspective, truth, and knowledge — why did you get married? And if you can’t respect where your partner is coming from, whether you agree with them or not — again, why did you get married? A part of the purpose of marriage is to learn from the person YOU CHOSE and that requires listening, having an open mind, and bringing some humility into the conversation(s). I promise you that so much conflict can be nipped in that 15-minute window that I mentioned earlier if more husbands and wives were willing to apply this point right here alone, chile.
4. Be physically affectionate. Manipulating and/or weaponizing intimacy is not only counterproductive; it’s mean. Not only that but there are too many articles out there that support the fact that if you want to feel closer to your partner, touch helps to make that happen. Now, am I saying that every time there’s conflict you should have sex? Eh. Everything needs balance (check out “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good”). What I am saying is…watch your body language during conflict (check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”) and be open to exchanging a kiss or hug once the discussion ends. It’s a way of saying, “I still got you even though this is a bit strained right now.” And when you’re married, that’s something that should be consistently conveyed.
5. Seek a solution. Again, if you’re unmarried and reading this, please DO NOT marry someone who isn’t a solutions-oriented type of person. Lawd, the number of clients I have who seem to enjoy wallowing in drama, tension, and problems is its own pandemic. Some are like that because they are naturally negative people. Others are like that because they were never taught how to see things from a “glass half full” angle. Still, others are like that because they aren’t emotionally intelligent and self-aware enough to get that staying in conflict is mentally draining and such a waste of time. Are you and your man gonna have conflict? 1000 percent. You can master the 5:1 Ratio, in part, by trying to find a solution as soon as absolutely possible, though.
____
In life, conflict comes. That’s just the way it is. Hopefully, now that you’re aware of the 5:1 Ratio approach, you’ve got a cheat code for bringing peace into your relationship quicker than you may have before.
Remember: for one negative action, bring in five positive reactions. Watch how your marriage flourishes because of it. Science says so.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Georgijevic/Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
We have less than 40 days left in 2024, and while I'm not one to rush goals just because it's the end of the year, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think about ways you'll close out this year big.
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
Riska/Getty Images
1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
Riska/Getty Images
19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by
10 Unforgettable Black Film & TV Sex Scenes That Brought The Heat
What makes a sex scene great? Personally, I think it comes down to a combination of things. It’s in the details - the close-ups of skin, eye contact, touch. It’s in the sounds, the dialogue, the chemistry, the location, the context, the taboo, and everything in between.
While the movies and shows on this list vary in genre and style, they all have toe-curling elements that make them truly mind-blowing.
1. Love & Basketball
Now, Love & Basketballis a universally memorable movie in the Black community in its own right, but that sex scene was almost revolutionary. The raw, realistic portrayal of Monica’s first time as she loses her virginity to her childhood soulmate Quincy was an important moment for young Black women everywhere. For a scene that had no on-screen nudity, the chemistry between the characters was enough to have us all feeling a little hot under the collar!
2. Set It Off
This 1996 sex scene between Blair Underwood and Jada Pinkett-Smith’s characters Keith and Stony had all the elements that take a sex scene from good to great. And let’s not let the fact that Jada used a body double take away from how iconic this scene is. Attractive actors, focused foreplay, close-ups, tension-building music (shout out En Vogue!), and chemistry for days. When I rewatched this movie recently and noticed the way Keith moved his chain out of the way (IYKYK), I yelled! Those little details set this sex scene apart.
3. Out of Time
Denzel Washington has been fine his whole life. He’s intergenerational fine. And when this movie came out he was in his PRIME, okay?! The chemistry between Denzel and Sanaa Lathan in Out of Time is undeniable. So much so that when the movie came out, rumors began to circulate that the actors were romantically involved. And if you’ve seen the movie, I’m sure you’re not surprised.
The icing on the cake for me was that roleplay scene (peep the video above). You know, the one where Matthias pretends to be investigating a crime and Ann talks him through what the “intruder” did to her and he reenacts it? Turns out WE were the ones intruding on a crime - assault with a deadly weapon, if you will.
4. Scandal
Thursdays haven’t been the same since ABC’s TGIT. Shonda Rhimes was in her bag when she gave us back-to-back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, AND How To Get Away With Murder. Lives were changed. Aside from nail-biting drama and salacious storylines, Shonda also consistently gave us an array of dangerously attractive characters and sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I’ll forever be team #Olitz. Their steamy sex sessions were made even hotter because their relationship was taboo, scandalous, even.
Adultery aside, Olivia and Fitz’s sexy time scenes never left anything to be desired. Interestingly, my favorite Olitz sex scene is their very first time. After six episodes of build-up, they finally did the deed and alleviated all the sexual tension we’d all been feeling. I think we all developed a new level of respect for Fitz when he ordered Olivia to take her clothes off, and she did not disappoint because she served bawdy in that white lingerie (I see what you did there, Shonda). Olivia served at the pleasure of the President, and so did we. For all 6 seasons.
5. Bridgerton
Dearest Gentle Reader, this couple certainly set the Ton abuzz in Bridgerton season one. For a Duke who was once lost for words, the cat’s certainly no longer in possession of his tongue. And luckily, it seems the Duchess is more physical touch than words of affirmation.
The Hastings basked in newlywed bliss all over their new abode and that library ladder scene - you know the one - took the couple’s sex life to new heights. What made this scene with Simon going down on Daphne while she’s suspended on a ladder so incredibly hot is how it centered *female* pleasure. He a good man, Savannah!
6. Insecure
One thing we could always expect from Issa Rae and Larry Wilmore’s hit series - a jaw-dropping sex scene. What I loved about Insecure’s sex scenes is that they’re not only seriously hot, but alsoVERY relatable. From that incident with Daniel, to Issa and Lawrence’s freshly-broken-up-unfinished-business ex-sex.
The one that tops my list has got to be when Issa and Nathan joined their own version of the Mile High Club on the Ferris wheel at Coachella. Cinematically, the scene was gorgeous but it also felt truly organic, like it was the perfect first time for them. I feel like we all collectively exhaled because she finally chose a man we could actually root for. You know what that is? Growth.
Honorable mention: the we’ve-finally-reunited couch sex Lawrence and Issa have when they finally get back together.
7. Power
From gunplay to foreplay, Power held nothing back. Every sex scene was spicy in its own way from Tate and his staffer, to the pilot episode Ghost and Tasha, to Tommy and Keisha. So many to choose from! The one that stands out in my mind is when Ghost and Angela get it on against the window of his hotel room overlooking the New York cityscape. Their chemistry was undeniable and the yearning was palpable in every single one of their sex scenes. Now, that’s acting!
8. Love Jones
WhenLove Jones premiered in 1997, a Black romance about a couple of creatives living and loving in the city was unprecedented. Between the novelty of the story and the charming dynamic between Darius and Nina, Love Jones quickly became a cultural classic. And even with the plethora of Black stories that have since graced our screens, Love Jones is a movie the conversation always comes back to. I mean, with bars like “I’m the blues in your left thigh trying to become the funk in your right”? Yeah, I would’ve folded.
Nina and Darius having sex on the first date felt bold and spontaneous, but that’s only part of why that scene was so steamy. Music can make or break a moment on-screen - sex or otherwise - and Maxwell’s "Sumthin’ Sumthin’" playing in the background made it feel like they were truly making love. Romance is sexy too, right?
9. Queen & Slim
Finally, on-screen car sex that actually looks enjoyable! It’s a beautifully shot scene with long, slow closeups of the characters making intense eye contact (IYKYK!). And the passion between the two actors is so realistic that some people even questioned if the scene was real! The buildup that led to this spontaneous daylight, on-the-run hookup made it even sexier. 10/10, no notes.
For so long, we’ve been starved of seeing positive Black female sexuality on screen and the She’s Gotta Have It remake helped to change that. DeWanda Wise absolutely killed it in the Spike Lee remake as Nola Darling, a polyamorous pansexual woman living her best sexually liberated life, boldly approaching relationships in a way we usually see as taboo. Men, women…one, two, three on rotation, Nola’s pleasure was Nola’s priority (IKDR!).
While her sexual appetite meant her loving bed saw many visitors, I think her best sex scene came when she finally decided to give monogamy a try with her girlfriend Opal. While the scene was pretty graphic, just like the others, this one was different because it was special. It felt like Nola and Opal were two women passionately in love. And what’s sexier than sex with someone you love?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image via Netflix