I wish I could remember the exact episode, but when I recently read the not-so-surprising-news that "the Rona" is currently causing the divorce rate to skyrocket, it took me back to a scene on A Different World when Colonel Taylor was telling some Hillman College students that, when he actually broke their school schedule down, they spent less than six weeks a year (I think it was even less than that, to be honest) in class. All that money, all that hemming and hawing, for six weeks of actual class time.
Well, guess how much time (most) married couples spend together on a daily basis? I must admit that I shot a side-eye at the internet that I had a challenging time finding some actual US data, but according to The Office for National Statistics in the UK, it's a whopping—I'm being super sarcastic—two-and-a-half hours. If they are retired, four. That's kind of a trip, once you actually let that sink in. I mean, it's not like the marriage survival rate was all that impressive before we started social distancing and quarantining (it's reportedly somewhere between 40-50 percent). Yet, folks weren't trying to, how did Keith Sweat once put it, "Make It Last Forever", when they only had to spend 14 hours out of 168 hours a week with the person they chose to become their spouse? Wow.
I wish there was enough time to break down many of the reasons why this is the case. There isn't. For now, I will say I think something that RHOA member Cynthia Bailey said plays a role. She said in a fairly recent Entertainment Tonight interview that a part of what has made it difficult to quarantine with her fiancé Mike Hill is 1) they both usually are on the road a lot and 2) oftentimes, whenever they have a disagreement, she would just walk off or stay in a hotel. Now that they actually have to sit and deal with one another, things are…well, challenging.
It can't be said enough that marriage only magnifies whatever issues already exist.
So yeah, it's kind of ironic, isn't it? "It" being the fact that, now that couples, all across the globe, who committed to being together, actually have to be together, they don't know how to deal. That's why I give a huge shout-out to folks like actor Sterling K. Brown and his wife Ryan Michelle Bathe who are holding their marriage down, in part, by having online sessions with their therapist while we're on lockdown. It's an in-our-face reminder that, if anything, this should be a time for couples to remember why they got together, to figure out what they need to do to stay together and how to be more realistic and beneficial in their relational approach.
If you are married (or currently living with your partner), you are quarantined and, as much as you love your boo, you wonder if the two of you can survive this test in your relationship, here are eight tips that can help you to not only merely tolerate one another, but actually embrace this "quality time 2.0" season that you're in.
1. Listen. Differently.
While most of us have heard the Paul Tillich quote, "The first duty of love is to listen" before, I don't know if a lot of us focus on the word "duty" that is in it. A duty is a task that comes with a particular position. Guess what else it is? It's a required moral or legal obligation. Deep, right? Based on this quote, whenever you tell your partner that you love them, a part of what you're saying is that you acknowledge that you are going to take on the task, that you've got the moral—and if you are married, legal—obligation to hear them out. And to listen fully.
And just what does a good listener look like? You allow your partner to complete their thoughts. You do your best to maintain eye contact as much as possible. You pause before responding. You give the kind of body language that conveys interest and respect. You ask questions in order to gain clarity. You try and put yourself in their shoes before reacting to something that you may not like or didn't expect. You don't deflect by changing the subject. You don't hear only what you want to. You listen in the way that you would want your partner to listen to you.
I can't tell you how many couples I work with who, while they seem to love each other, the respect is tossed completely out of the window. The reason why I say that is because they absolutely suck at listening to one another. If this time of quarantining does nothing else for your relationship, use it as an opportunity to sharpen your listening skills. It's one of the best ways to show your partner that, not only do you love them, but you esteem them as well.
2. Give Each Other Space
There is someone in my life who works from home, along with her husband. Boy, he is definitely the clingier of the two (physically as well as emotionally). Interestingly enough, that has gone up a bit more, ever since their county went into "Shelter at Home" status. Anyway, recently she told me that she told him that, since she was homeschooling their child during the week, she needed the weekends to get some of her own professional tasks done. When I called her that next Saturday to run something by her and I asked where everyone was, guess where her man was at? Sitting across from her in her office. She sighed while she said it.
I've known this couple, ever since they got together; they are homies, for sure. But even the best of friends need time apart. All of us need time to ourselves. So yeah—let your partner watch a movie alone or go into another room to check emails or read a book. If you've got a Type A personality and you feel like quarantining is the time to check off your ongoing to-do list, don't take it personally if they want to do some projects alone or at a later date. Don't feel the need to be up under them through every phone conversation that they have. If sex is shifting into less frequency right through here, don't freak out; when you have less alone time, sometimes you are more protective of your physical space.
An author by the name of Katrina Kenison once said, "Solitude is the soul's holiday." Your partner wanting to spend time without you, especially during a quarantine, doesn't mean there is something wrong in the relationship; it simply means that they also value the relationship that they have with themselves. If you want them to be whole and happy individuals, you will encourage them to do what they need in order to cultivate that relationship…even if that means stepping away from you sometimes.
3. Still Plan Dates
One of my favorite pastor-authors on relationships is a guy by the name of Kevin A. Thompson. In his article, "No Wonder You Don't Love Each Other", he talks about the fact that, when a couple is not intentional about spending quality time together, that can cause love to fade over time. And just how much time should that be? A marriage counselor by the name of Garett Coan said in another article that, in general, "For the happiest, most harmonious relationship, the pro suggests spending 70% of time together, and 30% apart. That gives each of you enough freedom to explore your own interests while still being rooted and invested in your relationship."
Yes, we are in a different set of circumstances right now, since you are probably around your partner almost 100 percent of the time. But don't assume that just because you're both sitting on the same couch, sleeping in the same bed, or dealing with the same child simultaneously that you are actually nurturing your relationship. Order some takeout, light some soy candles and have an indoor picnic on the floor. TIDAL's hip-hop and R&B playlists are free to non-members right now; throw a 90s house party once the kids go to bed. Have a movie night together that features each of your favorite flicks as a kid. Play a few rounds of Stripper Twister or Fantasy Pictionary where you draw out your sexual fantasies and see if your partner can guess what they are. Make desserts together naked. Do things that will remind you that, just because you're (temporarily) confined to the same space, that doesn't mean that quality time and creativity have to suffer. Because you know what? They don't.
4. Be 2.0 When It Comes to Respecting Each Other’s Privacy
I dig the word "oneness" when it comes to married couples. For one thing, it's biblical (Genesis 2:24-25). Yet, just because two people have decided to "become one" (which means it is a process…a daily process), that doesn't mean that they aren't still individuals too. A lot of people seem to miss this when they are in a serious relationship. You each have your own phones. You each (probably) have your own social media accounts. You each have your own extended families, friends, co-workers and lives. And while your partner should be the one who you should feel the need to "hide from" the least, at the same time, they should trust you enough to let you have some freakin' privacy.
A quarantine makes things tense enough with you going through your partner's phone, semi-stalking their social media or sitting at the door through every phone conversation they are having. Give them some freakin' privacy while remembering that private is not a synonym for sneaky. Real talk, now is a great time to build trust in your relationship by letting your partner have privacy that they need, all the while reminding them to extend the same courtesy to you.
5. Avoid Becoming a “45’er”
What is a 45'er? I mean, I'm thinking that you can look at the GIF above this and guess. And while I could use Donald Trump, our 45th president, as a cautionary tale when it comes to so many things, what I'm going to go with today is dictatorship. A dictator is someone who is basically a control freak. In a marital union, I oftentimes say that it's someone who thinks that they have the right to treat their spouse like they are their child—and being an abusive parent, at that. Barking orders. Making demands. Acting like their way is always right while their partner's way is always wrong. Wanting everything to happen on their timetable. Being overly critical. Constantly trying to control how resources should be used. Throwing out ultimatums left and right. Who wants to live like that?
My mother's husband used to say all of the time that when someone sees a couple where the man is unbelievably handsome and the woman isn't a supermodel, what they have to keep in mind is most men will take "ugly peace" over "pretty loud" any day. What he meant by that is peace is beautiful to a man. Shoot, peace is beautiful to healthy and mature women too. Just look at our country right now. Trying to dictate is not only non-beneficial but it's counterproductive and extremely unattractive. Your partner is not someone to boss around; they are someone you are to work together with.
Now, more than ever, is a good time to focus on how the two of you complement each other, even in your differences. You are only going to cause resentment and, quite possibly the end of your relationship, if all you're focused on is how much authority you can exert.
6. Go the Extra Mile
Former anchor Diane Sawyer once said, "A good marriage is a contest of generosity." On the heels of that, if someone were to ask me about a constant problem that I see with a lot of my clients, it's how freakin' selfish they are. It's like, they didn't get married in order to do much giving at all; all they were focused on is what they need and want. In other words, they didn't want a partner; they wanted a glorified servant. The (healthy) marriages I know that have endured consist of two people who don't do the bare minimum or even keep tally on who's done what. Both spouses are invested in meeting each other's needs—and doing it lavishly so, when at all possible.
Generous is a pretty dope word. It means you are unselfish. It means that you aren't mean or small-minded. It means that you aren't petty. It also means that you give willingly and liberally. So many marriages don't make it because, rather than honing in on what they should be giving, they only think about how to get more from their spouse. In a time in our history, when so many are in a state of lack, strengthen your relationship by doing more for your partner, by intentionally going the extra mile.
7. Don’t Hold Grudges
Something that I find to be pretty childish is holding a grudge. Now, for the record, I'm not saying that I'm not someone who used to do it; I'm simply saying that it's immature. It wastes time. It doesn't resolve anything. And, low-key, it's a way to emotionally manipulate someone. This doesn't mean that if your partner irritates you or even totally pisses you off that you shouldn't take some time to process. But a day is very different from an entire week—and yes, I know quite a few couples who go the week-long route. It gets them absolutely nowhere.
In order for this quarantine to go as smoothly as possible, you and yours are going to need to be in a good space—physically as well as emotionally. That is going to require patience, forgiveness and learning how to let some ish go (which means, once you say it's done, you quit bringing it up). You don't have enough space, literally, for everything to be an issue or a battle, so purpose in your mind, each and every day, to not hold grudges; especially about inconsequential stuff. Right through here, it's better to be at peace than to "win" every issue or discussion. Maturity teaches a person that. And a healthy relationship is a really good teacher.
8. GET. SOME. SLEEP.
Just because you may be home a lot more, that doesn't mean that you are calm, relaxed or that you are getting a quality night's sleep. With all that is going on right now—job shifting, bills increasing, kids home, etc.—it's not like you're exactly on a vacation. That's why, for the sake of your sanity and the stability of your relationship, it's important that youget some quality sleep. If you don't, it can lead to fatigue, moodiness, irritability, forgetfulness and even depression. And what about any of that sounds like it's helpful in a relationship?
If you are so stressed out that you can't seem to fall asleep, no matter how hard you try—well, if you've read enough of my articles on here, you know that sex was going to come up. When you engage in coitus, it triggers the natural hormones oxytocin, dopamine, prolactin and progesterone. All of these help to relax you, put you in a good mood, and make it easier for you to get a good night's rest. Not too long ago, I wrote the article, "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through" yet if there was ever a time to focus more on "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do" and "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex"—for the sake of your sleep, sanity and relationship, this would be it!
BONUS: Keep Your Expectations As Realistic As Possible
OK, so back to why divorce lawyers are making such a killing right now. From what I've read, financial strain and also rich folks wanting to get out while their net worth is down are two leading reasons. As someone who actually specializes in reconciling divorced couples, I just want to say three things about that. One, divorce is serious and rarely a "solution" to anything (check out "What Some People Regret About Their Divorce" and "6 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ending Your Marriage"). Two, very rarely do we make wise decisions when we're anxious, tense or stressed out. Meaning, just because your partner may be getting on your very last nerve right now, you've gotta admit that these are some pretty extenuating circumstances that we are all in right now. Make sure that your emotions (and cabin fever) aren't getting the best of you. There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10—NKJV) Now is the time to lean on your partner; not push them away. And three, be realistic about what you're expecting out of your relationship during this quarantine.
Just like your man may not be a cakewalk all day, every day, you'd have to be a total ego maniac to think that he's not making some serious compromises to try and keep things smooth sailing with you as well.
Bottom line, you and yours can get through this—if you want to. Don't let a virus infect your relationship. You're stronger than that. Your love is bigger than that. Y'all are better than that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?
7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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While the movies and shows on this list vary in genre and style, they all have toe-curling elements that make them truly mind-blowing.
1. Love & Basketball
Now, Love & Basketballis a universally memorable movie in the Black community in its own right, but that sex scene was almost revolutionary. The raw, realistic portrayal of Monica’s first time as she loses her virginity to her childhood soulmate Quincy was an important moment for young Black women everywhere. For a scene that had no on-screen nudity, the chemistry between the characters was enough to have us all feeling a little hot under the collar!
2. Set It Off
This 1996 sex scene between Blair Underwood and Jada Pinkett-Smith’s characters Keith and Stony had all the elements that take a sex scene from good to great. And let’s not let the fact that Jada used a body double take away from how iconic this scene is. Attractive actors, focused foreplay, close-ups, tension-building music (shout out En Vogue!), and chemistry for days. When I rewatched this movie recently and noticed the way Keith moved his chain out of the way (IYKYK), I yelled! Those little details set this sex scene apart.
3. Out of Time
Denzel Washington has been fine his whole life. He’s intergenerational fine. And when this movie came out he was in his PRIME, okay?! The chemistry between Denzel and Sanaa Lathan in Out of Time is undeniable. So much so that when the movie came out, rumors began to circulate that the actors were romantically involved. And if you’ve seen the movie, I’m sure you’re not surprised.
The icing on the cake for me was that roleplay scene (peep the video above). You know, the one where Matthias pretends to be investigating a crime and Ann talks him through what the “intruder” did to her and he reenacts it? Turns out WE were the ones intruding on a crime - assault with a deadly weapon, if you will.
4. Scandal
Thursdays haven’t been the same since ABC’s TGIT. Shonda Rhimes was in her bag when she gave us back-to-back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, AND How To Get Away With Murder. Lives were changed. Aside from nail-biting drama and salacious storylines, Shonda also consistently gave us an array of dangerously attractive characters and sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I’ll forever be team #Olitz. Their steamy sex sessions were made even hotter because their relationship was taboo, scandalous, even.
Adultery aside, Olivia and Fitz’s sexy time scenes never left anything to be desired. Interestingly, my favorite Olitz sex scene is their very first time. After six episodes of build-up, they finally did the deed and alleviated all the sexual tension we’d all been feeling. I think we all developed a new level of respect for Fitz when he ordered Olivia to take her clothes off, and she did not disappoint because she served bawdy in that white lingerie (I see what you did there, Shonda). Olivia served at the pleasure of the President, and so did we. For all 6 seasons.
5. Bridgerton
Dearest Gentle Reader, this couple certainly set the Ton abuzz in Bridgerton season one. For a Duke who was once lost for words, the cat’s certainly no longer in possession of his tongue. And luckily, it seems the Duchess is more physical touch than words of affirmation.
The Hastings basked in newlywed bliss all over their new abode and that library ladder scene - you know the one - took the couple’s sex life to new heights. What made this scene with Simon going down on Daphne while she’s suspended on a ladder so incredibly hot is how it centered *female* pleasure. He a good man, Savannah!
6. Insecure
One thing we could always expect from Issa Rae and Larry Wilmore’s hit series - a jaw-dropping sex scene. What I loved about Insecure’s sex scenes is that they’re not only seriously hot, but alsoVERY relatable. From that incident with Daniel, to Issa and Lawrence’s freshly-broken-up-unfinished-business ex-sex.
The one that tops my list has got to be when Issa and Nathan joined their own version of the Mile High Club on the Ferris wheel at Coachella. Cinematically, the scene was gorgeous but it also felt truly organic, like it was the perfect first time for them. I feel like we all collectively exhaled because she finally chose a man we could actually root for. You know what that is? Growth.
Honorable mention: the we’ve-finally-reunited couch sex Lawrence and Issa have when they finally get back together.
7. Power
From gunplay to foreplay, Power held nothing back. Every sex scene was spicy in its own way from Tate and his staffer, to the pilot episode Ghost and Tasha, to Tommy and Keisha. So many to choose from! The one that stands out in my mind is when Ghost and Angela get it on against the window of his hotel room overlooking the New York cityscape. Their chemistry was undeniable and the yearning was palpable in every single one of their sex scenes. Now, that’s acting!
8. Love Jones
WhenLove Jones premiered in 1997, a Black romance about a couple of creatives living and loving in the city was unprecedented. Between the novelty of the story and the charming dynamic between Darius and Nina, Love Jones quickly became a cultural classic. And even with the plethora of Black stories that have since graced our screens, Love Jones is a movie the conversation always comes back to. I mean, with bars like “I’m the blues in your left thigh trying to become the funk in your right”? Yeah, I would’ve folded.
Nina and Darius having sex on the first date felt bold and spontaneous, but that’s only part of why that scene was so steamy. Music can make or break a moment on-screen - sex or otherwise - and Maxwell’s "Sumthin’ Sumthin’" playing in the background made it feel like they were truly making love. Romance is sexy too, right?
9. Queen & Slim
Finally, on-screen car sex that actually looks enjoyable! It’s a beautifully shot scene with long, slow closeups of the characters making intense eye contact (IYKYK!). And the passion between the two actors is so realistic that some people even questioned if the scene was real! The buildup that led to this spontaneous daylight, on-the-run hookup made it even sexier. 10/10, no notes.
For so long, we’ve been starved of seeing positive Black female sexuality on screen and the She’s Gotta Have It remake helped to change that. DeWanda Wise absolutely killed it in the Spike Lee remake as Nola Darling, a polyamorous pansexual woman living her best sexually liberated life, boldly approaching relationships in a way we usually see as taboo. Men, women…one, two, three on rotation, Nola’s pleasure was Nola’s priority (IKDR!).
While her sexual appetite meant her loving bed saw many visitors, I think her best sex scene came when she finally decided to give monogamy a try with her girlfriend Opal. While the scene was pretty graphic, just like the others, this one was different because it was special. It felt like Nola and Opal were two women passionately in love. And what’s sexier than sex with someone you love?
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Featured image via Netflix