

Whenever I do an interview about being a marriage life coach, a question that typically comes up is what's the one thing that's a consistent issue in marital unions? No doubt about it, sex is in the Top 2. If the couple is not having a sexual issue in and of itself, the other challenges within their relationship are directly affecting—and by that, I mean, infecting—their sex life.
I once heard a senior woman who'd been married 70 years say that one of the main distinctions between married couples and every other type of relationship is sex is supposed to transpire, on a regular basis, between spouses. I wholeheartedly agree. That's why, whenever married partners aren't having 1) sex; 2) consistent sex and/or 3) good sex, I don't see it as a minor inconvenience. I see it as a problem. A pretty major one, at that.
You might've heard that reportedly 15-20 percent of married couples in America are in a sexless marriage (meaning they're having sex less than 10-15 times a year). But if you're wondering what's going on behind the scenes to make that the case, I just want to take out a few minutes to share with you some under-the-radar reasons that are resulting in waaaaaaaay too many husbands and wives not getting the FIRE SEX that they certainly deserve.
Not Making Sex a TOP Priority
Over the years, there are couples who've told me that once I get married, I'll look up and months will go by without any action going on. They say it's a part of marriage (yeah…OK). What's interesting is these same couples hold grudges for weeks on end, constantly fight about stuff and, while they may love each other, they don't seem to like each other very much. My point? It's not "normal" to not make sex a priority in marriage. When a couple fails to do so, it's usually indicative of other issues that are going on.
We make work a priority because we've got bills to pay. We make children a priority because they are our responsibility. If you're married and sex is not a priority to you, think about why it's not important. That will reveal A LOT.
There are 24 hours in a day and 168 hours in a week. A man needs five minutes to have an orgasm. A woman, on average, needs 25 minutes. Finding 30 minutes a couple of times a week to strengthen your immune system, lower your stress levels, and make you feel more connected to your partner—shouldn't that take precedence? (That's a nonrhetorical question, by the way!)
Not Getting Your Hormone Levels Checked
Getty Images
There's a woman I know who recently went into menopause and refuses to take an estrogen supplement but constantly complains about her husband wanting to have sex when she doesn't. Whenever I mention to her that her hormone levels dropping probably has something to do with her low libido, she brushes it off. That's unfortunate.
In order for us to be in the mood, our estrogen and testosterone levels need to be on point. Just like a woman's libido can tank during menopause (or even perimenopause), a lot of men go through what is known as andropause, which is when middle-aged men see a drop in their testosterone levels.
However, being that things like stress and diet can also alter our hormones, lowered levels is not simply an age-related issue. If lately, you've lost that lovin' feeling, make an appointment to see your doctor. It may just be a matter of altering your lifestyle a bit or them giving you a prescription in order to get your hormones back on track.
Not Going to Bed at the Same Time
Getty Images
Guess how many couples don't go to bed at the same time? A whopping 75 percent! Why is that a problem? Well, for one thing, with all of the hustle and bustle that transpires throughout the day, sometimes the only time a couple can connect is when they are engaging in a little bit of pillow talk. Then, there are studies that indicate the couples who have mismatched sleeping patterns not only have more marital conflict, they have less sex too.
Case in point. One of my clients is always complaining that his wife's drive is not as high as his. She admits that is true, but she says that a part of the problem is he likes to have sex in the middle of the night when she's an early riser and is more down for morning sex. He has a studio in their home and so he likes to record late at night. Whenever I suggest going to bed with her a couple of times a night, he's got excuses for why he needs to create during that time instead.
Listen brotha, marriage is about compromise. Do you want to create songs or some content for them? Just sayin'.
Not Scaping the "Land"
Another couple that I work with used to not see eye-to-eye on oral sex. Let's just say that the husband was very DJ Khaled about it all (SMH). For years, the wife conceded (reluctantly so) and it really started to take a toll on their relationship. I get why too. A man who thinks he should receive oral sex without giving it is selfish, at best. Love is not selfish.
Yeah, what this husband was on didn't sit well with me, so I dug deeper. Although he did admit that the taste wasn't his favorite thing on the planet, the bigger issue was that there was no landscaping in his wife's nether regions. She said that since he never went down there, she didn't see the point.
Fast forward about three months later, and her face was beaming. When I asked why, her husband said, "Because the jungle is now a golf course." #dead
I've done some unofficial polling about how important pubic hair maintenance is. You might be amazed how much it matters—to both men and women. Sometimes the minor things can become major issues.
If oral isn't happening as much as you'd like, check with your partner about if the hair condition down there has anything to do with it. A little trim may open up a whole new world of possibilities.
Not "Saying Grace"
Getty Images
Whatever. Laugh if you want to, but I know several couples who say grace before coitus. Like, a literal "Heavenly Father, for what we are about to receive, we thank you" prayer. Even one of my favorite New Age books The Celestine Prophecy touches on the importance of acknowledging a higher power when it comes to the resources that we have; how when we do, it makes experiencing those things that much sweeter.
And you know what? It might sound crazy, but the folks who pray before sex say that the experience is soooooooooooooo much better whenever they do.
Look, if you're saying "Oh God!" during sex anyway (and A LOT of folks are), why not get things going by asking him to give you the strength and power to set it totally off up in your bedroom?
Makes good sense to me. Either way, don't knock it until you try it.
Not Having Foreplay Throughout the Day
I remember hearing a senior-aged pastor once say (from the pulpit, which I really dug) that he and his wife continue to have off the charts sex. Why? Because of his foreplay game. Only, he wasn't talking about the stuff that happens moments before intercourse. He described ironing his wife's clothes the night before, helping her with the dishes and calling her in the middle of the day, just to say how much he loved her as being acts of foreplay.
A man working two jobs being told how much he's appreciated. A new mom being told how unbelievably sexy she is. Their spouse can be clear on the other side of the town when they say these things yet I'm willing to bet that their partner wants to jump their bones the very moment they get home!
A lot of married couples are totally jacking up their sex life because either there's not enough physical foreplay before sex or worse, there's not enough "I want to stimulate your mind and connect with you emotionally" foreplay throughout the day.
Try it. See how much your spouse ends up liking it.
Not Being Spontaneous (Even If You Have To "Plan" It)
I can't stand the whole "Who wants to eat the same food every day?" line of thinking some folks have for why they don't want to get married. Feel free to jump in the comments here but, from what I hear, a lot of husbands and wives don't get sexually bored due to them always having sex with the same person; it's more about always doing the same things with the same person—week after week, month after month, year after year.
An author by the name of François Du Toit once said, "The moment you exchange spontaneity with rules, you've lost the edge of romance." Along these lines, when's the last time you've inboxed your spouse a hotel reservation, sent them some sexy lingerie via a courier, or initiated sex in a location that was nowhere close to your bed?
A lot of us will put creativity into any and everything BUT our sex lives. Surprise your spouse with something sex-related that they would never expect. I'd be floored if it didn't help to add some spice into your sex life!
A lot of us will put creativity into any and everything BUT our sex lives. Surprise your spouse with something sex-related that they would never expect. I'd be floored if it didn't help to add some spice into your sex life!
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex - Read More
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make - Read More
5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar - Read More
Ask Ayana Iman: My Husband & I Haven't Had Sex In 5 Years, What Should I Do? - Read More
- 10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make - xoNecole ›
- 8 "Kinds of Sex" All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Now, Here's How To Have A "Sexy Marriage" - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Sex And Menopause. 10 Things You Should Know. - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 10 Weird Things That Improve Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Married Sex, Types Of Sex In Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 8 Types Of Sex Every Couple Should Have - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Dear Abby: When married couple's sex life runs dry, husband ... ›
- Ten Things Every Married Couple Needs to Know About Sex ... ›
- 10 Surprising Statistics About Married Sex - How Often Married ... ›
- 8 Secrets of Married Couples with Great Sex Lives - PureWow ›
- 7 Ways to Improve Your Married Sex Life | All Pro Dad ›
- How Often Do 'Normal' Couples Have Sex? ›
- How often do the happiest couples have sex? (It's less than you think) ›
- Sexuality in Later Life ›
- When the Cause of a Sexless Relationship Is — Surprise! — the Man ›
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
'When You Build It, They Can’t Tell You You Can’t Sit': DJ Miss Milan, Marsai Martin & More Talk Confidence
The Marie Claire Power Play Summit wasn’t just another branded panel event—it was an inspiring, sometimes emotional, and always honest look at what it really takes to rise, thrive, and stay at the top. From Olympians to entrepreneurs, artists to execs, the room was full of powerful women sharing the real stories behind their highlight reels. I walked away moved by their vulnerability, strength, and refusal to dim their light.
Here are some of my favorite takeaways from three standout panels featuring Jordan Chiles, Marsai Martin, and Kandi Burruss.
Leveling Up Your A-Game with Jordan Chiles, Morgan Shaw Parker, Chelsea Fishman, Laura Correnti, and Tabitha Turner-Wilkins
Jordan Chiles
Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play
Olympic gymnast Jordan may have medals and magazine covers to her name, but her mindset is refreshingly grounded. “The day I finally feel pressure,” she said, “will be the day I know there’s still more for me to learn.” For her, joy—not pressure—is the fuel. Her confidence isn’t performative; it’s rooted in family, self-worth, and authenticity.
“Everything I’ve done in my career—tattoos, long nails, rocking my crew at the Olympics—that’s all me. It’s not because someone told me to do it. It’s because I felt confident doing it. And that’s where my ambition comes from: being my authentic self.”
For Morgan Shaw Parker, President & COO of the Atlanta Dream, the conversation around pressure went even deeper. “Legacy work” is how she described her mission—navigating male-dominated spaces, sometimes pregnant and pumping on NFL team planes. “After COVID and George Floyd,” she shared, “it became clear to me: vulnerability is power. You don’t have to show up perfect to lead.”
Chelsea Fishman, founder of Atlanta's first bar dedicated to women’s sports, Jolene Jolene, shared how the haters (especially the Reddit kind) were her confirmation: “All those comments saying it would fail—those were the signs that I was doing something right.” She’s hosted 25+ watch parties already and is building the very community they said would never come.
This panel also touched on ambition, authenticity, and owning your power—both in sneakers and in suits. One of the best mic-drop moments came when the moderator flipped the question: “What if we stopped making ‘power’ a bad word for women?” A nod-worthy reminder that we’re not here to play small.
Making Your Voice Heard with Marsai Martin, Carol Martin, Miss Milan, and Heather McMahan
Marsai Martin
Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play
This panel was a masterclass in staying grounded while growing up—or glamming up—on the global stage. Actress and producer Marsai talked about what it’s like to show up in high-pressure moments when your confidence is low but the world is still watching. From red carpets to long shoot days, she reminded us that even when you’re not at 100%, you still find a way to push through.
“There have been days where I wasn’t feeling the best, but I still had to show up on this carpet. Or it was that time of the month, but I still had to go on set. I just didn’t feel as confident—but it’s about how you take care of yourself in those moments and still keep pushing.”
Her mom and business partner Carol Martin dropped gems about motherhood and mentorship: “It’s like teaching your kid to ride a bike over and over again. Now the bike is a movie or a brand.” That balance between guiding and letting go? Not easy—but essential when you’re raising a mogul and running a company.
“There have been days where I wasn’t feeling the best, but I still had to show up on this carpet. Or it was that time of the month, but I still had to go on set. I just didn’t feel as confident—but it’s about how you take care of yourself in those moments and still keep pushing.”
Miss Milan, Grammy Award-winning DJ and Doechii’s right-hand woman, lit the crowd up with her no-nonsense energy. “I built my own table,” she said. “When you build it, they can’t tell you you can’t sit.” From journaling her dreams to manifesting Grammys, her story is one of resilience and intention—and a whole lot of faith in her own vision.
This panel didn’t shy away from hard truths either: the sadness that can come with success, the fear of fading relevance, the criticism that hits differently when it’s personal. But Marsai said it best: know your why. And let it evolve with you.
The Cost of Starting Your Own Business with Kandi Burruss and Nikki Ogunnaike
Kandi Burruss
Carol Lee Rose/ Getty Images for Marie ClaireKandi doesn’t sugarcoat the grind. From chart-topping songwriter to multi-business entrepreneur, she’s built her empire one risk—and one reinvention—at a time.
“Fear equals failure. If you don’t even try, you’ve failed automatically —and you did it to yourself. I’d rather take a risk and lose money than play it safe and never know what could’ve happened.”
She broke down the real costs of entrepreneurship: money, time, and emotional bandwidth. “You think you’re going to work less when you work for yourself?” she laughed. “You’re going to work more.” For Kandi, mommy guilt and financial setbacks are part of the package—but so is the satisfaction of seeing an idea through.
She opened up about scaling back on her clothing store and temporarily closing the original Old Lady Gang location. “It felt like failure,” she admitted, “but sometimes you have to step back to make things better.” Still, she’s not one to quit. She just pivots—with precision.
One of her most memorable reflections? How her music career hiccup led her to songwriting—ultimately writing the mega-hit “No Scrubs.” That song became the key to a new lane and legacy. “You may think you’re working on one dream,” she said, “but it could open the door to another.”
Also? Kandi wants you to stop emailing her from a Gmail. “You’re doing million-dollar business on a bootleg budget,” she joked. “Invest in yourself. Start with a domain name!”
The Marie Claire Power Play Summit was a powerful reminder that ambition, authenticity, and vulnerability aren’t separate traits—they work in tandem. Whether you’re building a bar, a brand, or a business from scratch, the key is to stay rooted in your voice, your story, and your why.
And if you need a sign to go for it? Consider this your green light.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play