

7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It
Whenever I do an interview about being a marriage life coach, a question that typically comes up is what's the one thing that's a consistent issue in marital unions? No doubt about it, sex is in the Top 2. If the couple is not having a sexual issue in and of itself, the other challenges within their relationship are directly affecting—and by that, I mean, infecting—their sex life.
I once heard a senior woman who'd been married 70 years say that one of the main distinctions between married couples and every other type of relationship is sex is supposed to transpire, on a regular basis, between spouses. I wholeheartedly agree. That's why, whenever married partners aren't having 1) sex; 2) consistent sex and/or 3) good sex, I don't see it as a minor inconvenience. I see it as a problem. A pretty major one, at that.
You might've heard that reportedly 15-20 percent of married couples in America are in a sexless marriage (meaning they're having sex less than 10-15 times a year). But if you're wondering what's going on behind the scenes to make that the case, I just want to take out a few minutes to share with you some under-the-radar reasons that are resulting in waaaaaaaay too many husbands and wives not getting the FIRE SEX that they certainly deserve.
Not Making Sex a TOP Priority
Over the years, there are couples who've told me that once I get married, I'll look up and months will go by without any action going on. They say it's a part of marriage (yeah…OK). What's interesting is these same couples hold grudges for weeks on end, constantly fight about stuff and, while they may love each other, they don't seem to like each other very much. My point? It's not "normal" to not make sex a priority in marriage. When a couple fails to do so, it's usually indicative of other issues that are going on.
We make work a priority because we've got bills to pay. We make children a priority because they are our responsibility. If you're married and sex is not a priority to you, think about why it's not important. That will reveal A LOT.
There are 24 hours in a day and 168 hours in a week. A man needs five minutes to have an orgasm. A woman, on average, needs 25 minutes. Finding 30 minutes a couple of times a week to strengthen your immune system, lower your stress levels, and make you feel more connected to your partner—shouldn't that take precedence? (That's a nonrhetorical question, by the way!)
Not Getting Your Hormone Levels Checked
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There's a woman I know who recently went into menopause and refuses to take an estrogen supplement but constantly complains about her husband wanting to have sex when she doesn't. Whenever I mention to her that her hormone levels dropping probably has something to do with her low libido, she brushes it off. That's unfortunate.
In order for us to be in the mood, our estrogen and testosterone levels need to be on point. Just like a woman's libido can tank during menopause (or even perimenopause), a lot of men go through what is known as andropause, which is when middle-aged men see a drop in their testosterone levels.
However, being that things like stress and diet can also alter our hormones, lowered levels is not simply an age-related issue. If lately, you've lost that lovin' feeling, make an appointment to see your doctor. It may just be a matter of altering your lifestyle a bit or them giving you a prescription in order to get your hormones back on track.
Not Going to Bed at the Same Time
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Guess how many couples don't go to bed at the same time? A whopping 75 percent! Why is that a problem? Well, for one thing, with all of the hustle and bustle that transpires throughout the day, sometimes the only time a couple can connect is when they are engaging in a little bit of pillow talk. Then, there are studies that indicate the couples who have mismatched sleeping patterns not only have more marital conflict, they have less sex too.
Case in point. One of my clients is always complaining that his wife's drive is not as high as his. She admits that is true, but she says that a part of the problem is he likes to have sex in the middle of the night when she's an early riser and is more down for morning sex. He has a studio in their home and so he likes to record late at night. Whenever I suggest going to bed with her a couple of times a night, he's got excuses for why he needs to create during that time instead.
Listen brotha, marriage is about compromise. Do you want to create songs or some content for them? Just sayin'.
Not Scaping the "Land"
Another couple that I work with used to not see eye-to-eye on oral sex. Let's just say that the husband was very DJ Khaled about it all (SMH). For years, the wife conceded (reluctantly so) and it really started to take a toll on their relationship. I get why too. A man who thinks he should receive oral sex without giving it is selfish, at best. Love is not selfish.
Yeah, what this husband was on didn't sit well with me, so I dug deeper. Although he did admit that the taste wasn't his favorite thing on the planet, the bigger issue was that there was no landscaping in his wife's nether regions. She said that since he never went down there, she didn't see the point.
Fast forward about three months later, and her face was beaming. When I asked why, her husband said, "Because the jungle is now a golf course." #dead
I've done some unofficial polling about how important pubic hair maintenance is. You might be amazed how much it matters—to both men and women. Sometimes the minor things can become major issues.
If oral isn't happening as much as you'd like, check with your partner about if the hair condition down there has anything to do with it. A little trim may open up a whole new world of possibilities.
Not "Saying Grace"
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Whatever. Laugh if you want to, but I know several couples who say grace before coitus. Like, a literal "Heavenly Father, for what we are about to receive, we thank you" prayer. Even one of my favorite New Age books The Celestine Prophecy touches on the importance of acknowledging a higher power when it comes to the resources that we have; how when we do, it makes experiencing those things that much sweeter.
And you know what? It might sound crazy, but the folks who pray before sex say that the experience is soooooooooooooo much better whenever they do.
Look, if you're saying "Oh God!" during sex anyway (and A LOT of folks are), why not get things going by asking him to give you the strength and power to set it totally off up in your bedroom?
Makes good sense to me. Either way, don't knock it until you try it.
Not Having Foreplay Throughout the Day
I remember hearing a senior-aged pastor once say (from the pulpit, which I really dug) that he and his wife continue to have off the charts sex. Why? Because of his foreplay game. Only, he wasn't talking about the stuff that happens moments before intercourse. He described ironing his wife's clothes the night before, helping her with the dishes and calling her in the middle of the day, just to say how much he loved her as being acts of foreplay.
A man working two jobs being told how much he's appreciated. A new mom being told how unbelievably sexy she is. Their spouse can be clear on the other side of the town when they say these things yet I'm willing to bet that their partner wants to jump their bones the very moment they get home!
A lot of married couples are totally jacking up their sex life because either there's not enough physical foreplay before sex or worse, there's not enough "I want to stimulate your mind and connect with you emotionally" foreplay throughout the day.
Try it. See how much your spouse ends up liking it.
Not Being Spontaneous (Even If You Have To "Plan" It)
I can't stand the whole "Who wants to eat the same food every day?" line of thinking some folks have for why they don't want to get married. Feel free to jump in the comments here but, from what I hear, a lot of husbands and wives don't get sexually bored due to them always having sex with the same person; it's more about always doing the same things with the same person—week after week, month after month, year after year.
An author by the name of François Du Toit once said, "The moment you exchange spontaneity with rules, you've lost the edge of romance." Along these lines, when's the last time you've inboxed your spouse a hotel reservation, sent them some sexy lingerie via a courier or initiated sex in a location that was nowhere close to your bed?
A lot of us will put creativity into any and everything BUT our sex lives. Surprise your spouse with something sex-related that they would never expect. I'd be floored if it didn't help to add some spice into your sex life!
A lot of us will put creativity into any and everything BUT our sex lives. Surprise your spouse with something sex-related that they would never expect. I'd be floored if it didn't help to add some spice into your sex life!
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Victoria Monét Opens Up About Feeling ‘Validated’ Months After VMAs Turned Her Down To Perform
Victoria Monét has had an incredible year. Thanks to the success of the widely popular “On My Mama” that went viral, the singer/ songwriter’s Jaguar II album debuted in the top 10 of Billboard’s Top R&B Albums chart. She also went on to headline her own sold-out tour. So, when the MTV VMAs happened in September, everyone was surprised to learn that Victoria’s team was told that it was “too early” for the “Smoke” artist to perform at the award show. However, a couple of months later, the mom of one received seven Grammy nominations, including “Best R&B Album” and “Record Of The Year.”
Victoria is currently in London and stopped by The Dotty Show on Apple Music and shared how she feels “validated” after being dismissed by the VMAs.
“It really does feel nice and validating because, in my head, the reason why I wanted to be a performer at the VMAs or award ceremonies like that is because I felt like I am at the place where I should. I would work really hard to put on the best show that I could, and I was excited to do so,” she said.
“And I guess the best way to describe it for me is like when you're like on a sports team, and the coach is like, ‘No, you gotta sit this one out.’ When they finally put you in, and then you score all these points, and it feels like that feeling. You're like, yes, I knew it wasn't tripping, but I knew I worked hard for this, and so it's been super validating to just have these accolades come after a moment like that, and I know the fans feel vindicated for me.
While her fans called the VMAs out on their decision, the “Moment” singer kept it cute and is still open to performing at the iconic award show. “I feel no ill towards them because it's just maybe that's just truly how they felt at the time, but I hope their mind has changed,” she admitted.
Aside from recognition from the Grammys, she has also received praise from legendary artists such as Janet Jackson, Kelly Rowland, and Usher.
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Feature image by Amy Sussman/WireImage for Parkwood