

A couple of years ago, when I wrote the article "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex", interestingly enough, none of the men mentioned something that I hear quite often from the clients that I deal with—that the wife is the one who wants sex more than the husband does. It's not like these wives are rarities either. There is a significant amount of evidence out in cyberspace and beyond that point to the fact that men automatically having higher libidos is oftentimes more of a stereotype; that it's the result of a lack of solid research and talking to women about sex more than anything else.
Case in point—I recently had a conversation with a husband and wife about their sex life. When I asked them what they currently found to be the most challenging, the husband said that he wanted more rest while the wife said that she desired more sex. "Don't get me wrong, the sex is great," the husband said. "But she can literally go 3-5 times a week. They aren't short sessions either." What did the wife say in response? Nothing. She simply winked.
If you've read even a couple of the articles that I've written on marriage, you know that I am a huge fan and supporter of intimacy—and yes, that includes sex. Lots of sex. And since a lack of intimacy, along with sexless marriages are two of the causes of divorce, I thought it was high time that we explore what a couple should do when the person who is sexually frustrated ain't the husband but—shocker of all shockers (and yes, I'm being sarcastic)—it's actually the wife.
Don’t Internalize the Issue
It's pretty common for folks to hang from chandeliers, a couple of times a day, when they first start having sex. But once some of the newness wears off, it's actually pretty rare (four percent of people, to be exact) for a couple to engage in copulation on a daily basis. This is why I wrote the article "Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him" for single women; you never want to assume that the both of you are on the same page about sex based on the beginning phases of your relationship.
Why am I bringing all of this up? Because, if you once had a ton of sex with your hubby and it has dwindled off, there's a huge chance that you'll be tempted to wonder if something is wrong with you. You might wonder if he's not attracted to you anymore, if he's bored in the relationship (or with your sex life) or if there's something more that you should be doing (or doing differently). First of all, you've got to remember that no one put a gun to your man's head—he hand-selected you to be the woman that he has sex with for the rest of his days. So, if you want it more than he does, chances are, it has less to do with you specifically and more to do with a much bigger and multi-dimensional issue.
Also, Don’t Automatically Jump to Conclusions
Ugh. Contrary to what some people—both in the media and out—believe, I do not think that all men, including all Black men, cheat. Matter of fact, I personally know some husbands who have been faithful their entire marriage; a few of them have done so even though their wife was unfaithful at some point in their relationship. So no, it should not be an automatic assumption that if your partner doesn't want to have as much sex as you do (or even as much sex as he used to have) that he is having sex with someone else. While everyone is out here sharing their views on what they think toxic masculinity is, I personally feel that if we're out here saying that either a man has to constantly have sex on the brain or he's cheating—that comes from having a toxic perspective on manhood.
You're only going to add more stress to yourself and your relationship, while potentially emasculating your husband in the process, if you chalk up his lower libido to him having someone on the side.
If you honestly sense valid red flags, talk it over with him and/or a therapist. Just make sure to not automatically blame him for the movie that you've created in your mind. Our intuition is sometimes nothing more than actualized fear or paranoia. There is plenty of research out here to prove it (see "So, Experts Have Something To Say About Your Intuition's Accuracy").
If There Is an Obvious “Drop”, Reflect on When It Happened
You know something that's interesting? Out of all of the years that I've been doing this marriage life coaching thing, I have yet to counsel a couple who didn't have sex with one another before they said, "I do". In other words, each couple I've worked with had sex with one another before marriage. Call that a random coincidence if you'd like, but that's what came to my mind when I read the article "Straight couples who live together before marriage may be less sexually satisfied". There's no time or writing space today to get into all of the reasons why this could be the case, but I will say that if you are a wife who has a husband with a lower libido and you did have sex with him prior to marriage, take a moment to compare and contrast what intimacy was like when the two of you were dating vs. when you became a married couple. While, ideally, sex should become stronger after marriage, there are some husbands who find "single sex" to be more sensual and alluring and married sex to be more obligatory and routine. Hey, I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that is some husbands' (unspoken) truth.
That said, a drop in a man's libido could be tied into other things as well—stress on the job, age, the state of their health, a breakdown in the relationship, a challenge with scheduling intimacy…the list goes on and on. But in order for you to figure out if your man's lower libido is a temporary or potentially permanent thing, paying close attention to the timeline is a critical piece to the puzzle.
Encourage Him to See His Doctor
There's a wife that I know who's always had a higher libido than her husband. Quite frankly, it has been the thorn in the side of their relationship too because, what has kept her baffled is the fact that when he was single, he was all up in these streets (he really was). Now? He can go weeks without having sex. For a while, she thought it was because he had some shadiness going on. But when they both went to get a check-up, he found out that his blood pressure was affecting the quality of his erections. Did he know that things weren't on the, umm, up-and-up down there? Of course, he did. But he was afraid to tell his wife that; especially since he didn't know what was causing it. So, rather than share that his penis wasn't what it used to be, he would avoid engaging in sex altogether.
While I'm not saying that a man with a lower libido is always a health-related issue, sometimes, that is indeed the case. The only way that you and your man will know for sure is if you set an appointment to meet with a medical professional. Honestly, while you're at it, it couldn't hurt for your husband to see a reputable counselor for a session or two. If all checks out on the physical front, there is a chance that something psychologically could be transpiring; something that may be in the back of his mind rather than the forefront of it.
Naturally Boost His Testosterone
There is also a chance that your husband's testosterone levels are low. With age, it happens. Again, a quick trip to the doctor can confirm this, but if your man is someone who has to damn near be on his deathbed in order to see a physician, there are some natural ways that he can increase this particular hormone. He can exercise more often. He can eat more protein. He can take a Vitamin D and/or zinc supplement. The herb ashwagandha (it reduces stress) and ginger extract (it improves sperm quality) are both proven to spike testosterone in men. Something else that men with low testosterone need is lots of rest and less stress. You know what this means, right? Nagging him about having a low libido is not going to work in your favor, so try to avoid doing that at all costs.
Be Gentle with His Heart, Feelings and Pride
"Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." When it comes to topics like this one, no truer words have been spoken. A lot of men think, in theory, that they want a woman who is always good to go. Then, once they get her, if they're not able to keep up, they feel intimidated; possibly even threatened. If after all of the things that I already mentioned prove to not be the root of the cause, you may need to accept that the two of you simply have a sexual incompatibility issue when it comes to your libidos. There's nothing "wrong" with that; it just means that you both need to learn to do what marriage is all about—compromise.
For him, he may need to be open to there being days when he makes sure "you're good" even if he's not totally in the mood to have a full-on sex session. For you, it's important to keep in mind that just because he might not want to get it on as much, he's probably still open to giving and receiving physical affection. In fact, him knowing that you want to be close to him, even if it doesn't always lead to sex, may be what makes him want to have sex more.
Bottom line, being in a marriage where you're the one who wants sex more isn't something that you have to simply—pardon the pun—lay down and take. Communicate. Get to the heart of the matter. Express your needs and, if you've got a good man, he'll find a way for them to be met…one way or another. A husband having a lower libido doesn't mean that something is wrong with him or that something is wrong with you. All it means is there's a challenge that the two of you need to figure out together. And, so long as mutual love and respect are present, you will.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Be Careful. Those Casual Friendships Can Be Red Flags Too.
A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to someone vent about an area of frustration that they couldn’t seem to get to the root of — why they keep getting taken advantage of by certain individuals. When you’ve been a life coach for as long as I have (and you were a journalist before that), you learn how to ask certain questions that can cause people to consider things that they may never have before.
So, when I asked her, “What is the common thread with all of those folks? And sit still for two minutes before answering,” when she finally heard her own self speak, her eyes got wide and her mouth dropped open: “They’re all people who I’m not really sure what they are in my life.”
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
There’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
A couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
I’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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