

Now, Here's How To Have A "Sexy Marriage"
I got my start as an entertainment writer. Let me tell you, if you're someone who's super caught up in celebrity culture, do not get into the celebrity business—in any realm. You will learn quick, fast, and in a hurry that many celebs can be a real trip in ways that you would never imagine (girl…girl). If you add to that gig, my current role as a marriage life coach, I'm really not keen on speaking super confidently about people I don't personally know; especially not ones who are famous. I don't care what their IG posts look like or what some article said—unless you know them…you don't.
What I will say is sometimes, if you pay really close attention, what you can feel is a vibe. And y'all, when I watched Barack and Michelle Obama at the inauguration for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, I won't lie—one of the first things I thought was, "Now that's a couple that seems to have a sexy marriage." Again, I don't know them yet their energy just seemed to exude excitement (sexy), appeal (sexy), and that they probably, let's say really enjoy spending quality time together (you feel me?).
That's what we're going to explore today—how to have a sexy marriage. Because, when two people make the decision to cultivate a covenant and spend the rest of their lives together, let's be real—yes, the union should be rooted in things like love, respect, and honesty, but y'all, it should be one that is also super sexy—hot, inviting, mature, seductive and sensuous—too.
1. Make Your Bedroom a Sacred Space
My married friends know that I have a personal rule when it comes to their bedroom—I try my hardest to never go into it. It's not that I've been asked not to (by anyone, ever). It's just that, I feel like if there's one place where a couple should feel is totally theirs, the bedroom would be it. And since I totally agree with interior decorators who say that bedrooms are only for sex and sleep—why do I need to be in their boudoir just casually chopping it up or laying across where folks "engage" when there are plenty of other rooms in the house?
Whenever I do my counseling sessions with engaged or married couples, I share this point. Even when it comes to your kids, why do they need to be all up in that area all of the time? If you treat your bedroom as a sacred and sexy space, one that is just for the two of you to share, it will be easier to have that kind of attitude and energy whenever you walk into it.
See, the problem is, a lot of folks don't feel sexy in their bedroom much because it's also an entertainment room, the children's playpen, and a mini-office. Try and switch that up by only sleeping and sexing in there—then decorate your space in a way that conveys that point. I'm pretty sure your sexual desire will go up a few notches once you do.
2. Refuse to Separate Your Sexuality from Your Spirituality
Something that I personally think makes sex so powerful is it involves every part of you—mind, body and spirit. On the spiritual tip, that's why I've written articles on the site like "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone" and "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides"—they're both reminders that the more spiritually connected you feel with your partner, the better the sex will be. Pretty much, automatically.
Back when we published the article, "Ashley Graham & Her Husband Say Prayer Is The Ultimate Form Of Foreplay", some people made fun of it. Me? I was totally down because I am someone who believes that marriage is a spiritual union and since I also believe that a Higher Power plays a role in the relationship and since the Bible shouts out sex quite a bit (Genesis 2:24-25, Proverbs 5, I Corinthians 7:5 and all of the Song of Solomon, for starters), why wouldn't it be smart to incorporate sexuality and spirituality? If that's in the form of "thank you for what we are about to partake of", so be it. If it's spending time in nature with your partner, so be it. If it's coming up with your own rituals, so be it.
Sometimes sex is treated so casually and flippantly that folks struggle with seeing copulation as a spiritual act. Ask married folks who have a fulfilling sex life and I'm willing to bet good money that they absolutely do. Sex can be so powerful that it transcends the physical. Can I get an "amen"? Exactly.
3. Cultivate a “Sexy” Morning Routine
I already know. Some of y'all are like, "Girl, please. I'm good to get out of bed and get to work on time without adding something extra on my plate." I hear you, but setting your alarm 30 minutes earlier, at least three times a week, can make it easier to engage in pillow talk, devotional time, orgasmic meditation, a quickie or even a shower together. And I don't know ANYONE who doesn't have a better day when it doesn't start off with some form of intimacy. Don't knock it until you've tried it, chile.
4. Give Each Other Random Sex Love Language Presents
It's pretty common for couples (especially wives) to say that after a couple of years of marriage, they don't feel "wooed" anymore. You know what's really a trip about that? Many spouses never really make a point to sexually woo their partner at all. While some are great at foreplay (and praise the Almighty for that!), the art of seducing their boo, well before it's time to get it on and in, tends to be a rarity. One way to make yourself exceptional in this case is to randomly send your partner sex gifts/tokens in their own love language. It doesn't have to be anything expensive or super extravagant. It's just a way of letting your partner know that they still turn you on and oftentimes, you're thinking about just how much.
For instance, if their love language is words of affirmation, maybe it's a blank card with all of the things that you find sexy about them being written inside. If it's quality time, plan a sex date. If you check out the article, "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?", hopefully it can provide you with some additional clarity and inspiration. The best lovers can entice their partner, well before they step foot into any bedroom. That's not an opinion. That's a straight up fact.
5. Have Annual Couple Photos (Professionally) Taken
Not too long ago, I was looking at some pictures that a Black photographer took of a Black couple. Whew.Black love? There is absolutely nothing like it. Anyway, what tripped me out is the man and woman were a rich velvety chocolate complexion and while they were fully clothed, the way that they looked at each other was intense AF which made the photos really sexy.
Sadly, some couples don't have any formal pictures other than the ones that they took on their wedding day. Being intentional about having some professional shots taken, on an annual basis if you can, it can help to document your love journey. And, if you blow a few of 'em up and display them, they can remind you of why you and yours fit together so well. And how can you not be turned on by that?
6. Dress Up and Go Out Sometimes
When's the last time that you and your man dressed up for a date? I don't mean that you put on some business casual attire for some random work event where your partner was your plus one. I mean dressing up to the nines and having a date that consists of next-level romance? Something that can cause a lot of sex lives to suffer is the lack of excitement and anticipation. One way to build that back up is to dress up and go out sometimes. I mean, really dress up. Sexy undergarments. Garter belts. Expensive heels. Your very best freakum dress. Him in that suit.
Years ago, I interviewed some men about what really turns them on. Something that many of them agreed on was they like the layers of us—even when it comes to an outfit. Being able to be totally turned on by something we have on and then fantasize about what we look like after each piece is removed was extremely hot to them. At the same token, us being out with our man when he's in a tailored suit, with a manicured beard, fresh haircut and he's talking seductively to us while we're having a candlelit meal or slow dragging on a dance floor? How can that not be sexy? Stop playin'.
7. Create (and Grow) a Sex Drawer
I'm pretty sure that one of those nightstands in your bedroom is full of nothing but junk. Let this be the year when you throw all of those old rollers and random paper clips out so that you can make room for a full-on sex drawer. These are dope because they make having spontaneous sex (which is also a way to make your marriage sexier) easier. And just what should go in said drawer? Flavored condoms (for oral sex). Some throat spray (also for oral sex; click on a popular brand here). Lubrication. Sex toys. Fragrance-free baby wipes (if you wanna do a quick clean-up). A few water bottles (sometimes our breath is a little tart, simply because our mouth is a little dry). Some breath mints. A blindfold and some wrist ties (and/or handcuffs). Massage oil (check out "Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage"). A sweet sex condiment like maybe a small jar of honey (did you know that honey never expires?) or chocolate syrup. And anything else that your imagination can come up with (that will fit in there). Then all you've got to do is reach over, pull something out and you're all set.
8. Foreplay Flirt
It takes men five minutes (on average) to climax? For us, it's around 20. You know what that means—the longer the foreplay, the greater the chance is to have an orgasm and to have an intense one, once it happens. However, the key to having a sexy marriage isn't just about participating in foreplay a few minutes before sex goes down. Flirting around with it is an art form too. Sext your partner in the middle of the day. Drop little random notes with inside jokes in them. Wear your partner's favorite color or scent. Go commando sometimes on dates. Send them a sexy photo. You know…flirt. And since it's your man, take it up a notch on how risqué you get with the flirting. My favorite OG couples can still get a hearty "eww" outta me because they are gonna pinch each other's butts and make sexual gestures whether I'm in their presence or not. There is something that is really sweet about that. Nasty (in the best way possible) too.
9. Cook Aphrodisiacs-Only Meals Together
Cooking at home on the regular is not only healthier and more cost-effective, it can do wonders for your relationship too. Cooking together gives you and your man time to get some quality time in. It helps to de-stress the both of you as you cultivate some special memories. And, depending on what you decide to prepare, the atmosphere that you set—along with what you choose to have on while you cook your meal—it can definitely make the experience pretty damn erotic too.
For example, how about dressing up in some lingerie (you) and silk boxers (him) and eating an aphrodisiacs-only meal? Or, you can make dessert the aphrodisiac focus by maybe cooking up some chocolate fondue, baking some pomegranate tarts or making a cheesecake with fig slices on top? You serve that with the right libido-boosting warm drink and how could cooking not be a sexy delight?
10. Toast Each Other with Body Shots Every Once in a While
In a few articles, I have shouted out the importance of couples toasting each other. I dig a good toast—not just because it's an opportunity to drink a little alcohol (wink) but because it can be an "official" way to salute your partner and publicly declare what you appreciate about them. That said, if you want to take things up a notch sexually, swap out the champagne flutes for shot glasses. State something that turns you on about your hubby. Then pull out some Patrón (or whatever your favorite kind of tequila is), slice up some limes, let him pour a little salt on whatever erogenous zone he chooses (so long as it's not his genitalia; that could sting!) and then you lick off the salt, take the alcohol shot and take the lime slice from his mouth. Make it an erotic game by seeing who can come up with the most affirmations while also being able to consume the most shots without getting too woozy. Anyone who knows about how Patrón works can vouch for the fact that you're in for a pretty wild night if you keep it up!
11. Be Open to Taking Sexual Risks
Hey, no risk, no reward. Some of us struggle with the idea of taking a risk, even in the bedroom, because what immediately comes to mind are words like "danger" or "injury". Yet remember, you're not with some random dude off of the street—this is the man who you love and who wants to enjoy pleasing you and being pleased by you. So yeah, talk about your fantasies, make a sex video sometimes, do "that thing" you've always wondered about but have always been too shy to try. Taking risks can oftentimes boost one's confidence (including sexual confidence) and the more confident you are, the better sex always is. And a healthy sex life plays a huge role in a healthy marriage.
12. Don’t Forget About Your Sex Jar
I remember when I first got introduced to the concept of a sex jar. I saw a picture of one on Pinterest and immediately, I was like, "Now, that is the business!" If you've never heard of one before, the long short of it is, for every time you and your partner have sex, you put money into a jar. After six months to a year, you then decide to spend it on something that is specifically for you and yours like a romantic vacation, a night at a hotel or a really high-end date—something along those lines (for more info, check out "5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar").
One of my favorite things about the sex jars is what you can do with your earnings, really does depend on—you know what it depends on. Investing in your own sex jar is a cool way to hold you and your partner sexually accountable. Wanna find more money to hang out? Get into that bedroom, drop a couple of dollars each time and watch your dreams come true. The dream of spending more time together and, hopefully, the dream of doing even more to make that marriage of yours…even sexier.
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Featured image by Giphy
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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15 Women Share Their Personal Hacks For Better Orgasms (And Sex Overall)
I’m pretty sure that I’m basically being redundant when I say that I write about sex quite a bit which means that I spend quite a bit of time doing research when it comes to sex-related intel, tips, and hacks. Yet I have to say that when it comes to getting some much-needed information in the realm of coitus, it’s been my clients (along with random interviews that I do with people because I don’t mind talking to complete strangers about intimate ish) who have garnered me some of the best takeaways.
Take orgasms, for example. Since I’m well aware of the fact that vaginal orgasms (especially) can be a real challenge for a lot of women, I’m constantly on the hunt for what can help to “bridge the gap” in that arena.
And that’s why I decided, this time, to forego science articles, vlogs, and online data and instead ask some women for myself about some of the things that they do to make having an orgasm, improving their orgasms, and their sexual experience overall something that is so much better for themselves.
So, grab yourself a light aphrodisiac snack (check out “Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs”) and dig into what 15 Black women told me gets them off, in a mighty big way, just about every time.
*As always, middle names have been used so that everyone can feel comfortable giving up the goods…umm, so to speak*
1. Rochelle. 37. Married for 11 Years.

“While y’all be out here talking about some kegels, what I’m into is my man giving me a hip massage. The key is to make sure you use some sort of massage oil that has menthol in it. Between the tingling of the menthol and him rubbing on your hips, not only is it really relaxing, but the ‘minty feel’ opens your body up so that once intercourse begins, you’re less tense, and that makes having an orgasm so much easier to do.”
2. Karmyn. 27. Single.
“Kiss him the way you want him to penetrate you. Literally, use your tongue as if it were a penis and move it in his mouth like you want him to move inside of you. The kissing will turn you both on, and if he follows your instructions, you should be able to orgasm with no problem."
"I learned this trick when I asked an ex of mine to explain what p — sy feels like, and he said the best way to explain it is what a tongue feels like inside of [the] mouth. He should’ve never told me that, boy! It’s been hell in these streets ever since!”
3. LaChelle. 43. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.
“If you’re self-conscious about your body, get some lingerie that has cutouts in them. There is a lot of sexy stuff out here that can have you covering up the parts you’re not comfortable with while still giving him access to the ‘main events.’ My man loves one of my lace one-piece teddies that has no crotch, and it’s easier for me to orgasm because I’m not overthinking the entire time.”
4. Trinitee. 27. Married for One Year.

“We’ve only been married a year, but we weren’t exactly abstinent when we were just dating. So, we like to find ways to keep it fresh. One thing that we do is go ‘hotel hopping’ once a month. We find a new hotel and meet each other there. We try and do different hours of the day and come with a surprise in hand. Like he might bring a new sex toy, and I might have on some lingerie that he’s never seen before. Then we text each other beforehand to talk about the best part of the sex we had from the last hotel we visited. The anticipation is foreplay.”
5. Wren. 33. In a Serious Relationship for Six Years.
“What works for me is doing afterplay as foreplay. What I mean by that is, taking a nap naked with my boo before any sexual activity is one of my favorite things. Being up under him, especially if he’s spooning me, feels really good, sleeping together is very intimate, and — there’s something about being awakened outta my sleep with kisses on my neck and back that almost makes me want to cum right then and there.”
6. Bevalyn. 40. Living with Her Partner for Four Years.
“Get on your back and have him kneel in front of you."
"Put your legs over his, and when he penetrates you, ask him to use one of his hands to apply pressure on your pubic bone — the area right above your clitoris."
"As he’s gently pushing down while he’s inside of you…if you don’t cum from that, I don’t know what else to tell you, sis.”
7. Sophia. 38. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.

“Shower sex can be a bit much, and I don’t trust a used jacuzzi. What we do is fill up our own inflatable pool and get it on inside of it. It’s perfect during the summer, late at night, because we have a tall fence. Just make sure that you bring some silicone lube to keep things slippery down there. An inflatable pool has been one of the best sex investments that we have ever made!”
8. Averie. 35. Single.
“Wanna know if your man is as into giving you head as he claims? Right after he goes down on you, ask him to immediately penetrate you. If he’s hard, he’s totally into it, and if he catches you soon enough, you’ll be in the perfect position to have a multiple orgasm. Don’t say I didn’t give you the ultimate cheat code.”
9. Victoria. 40. Married for 11 Years.
“Shellie, you actually got me on the cinnamon kick when I read one of your articles that talked about applying cinnamon oil to my clit before oral sex. Since [then], I’ve been doing some research, and it says that cinnamon is also an aphrodisiac because it stimulates blood flow. So, I’ll also drink cinnamon tea throughout the day or share a cinnamon cocktail with my husband. Works like a charm.”
Shellie here: She’s right. I did say that. LOL. You can read for yourself: “Here's How To Have Some Really Great Fall-Themed Sex.”
10. Daniela. 28. Engaged for Six Months.

“Ever been fingered backward? What I mean is, get on all fours and have him insert a finger or two from behind with his palm being flat. That way, the space in between your anus and your vagina will get a massage while your vagina gets penetrated. There’s nothing quite like it.”
11. Saven. 32. Single.
“Ice. Have him rub a little bit of ice on your clitoris and then immediately warm it up with his tongue. There is something about the drastic changes in temperature that gets me every time. And I mean, EVERY time.”
12. Ferynn. 30. Living with Her Partner for Five Years.
“I don’t know about you, but my man loves to put my legs up in the air. It was never really my favorite move until I read that behind the knees are an unsung erogenous zone. Whoever found that out was onto something because if he rubs back there while talking real crazy to me in a deep voice? Here I come…HERE I COME!”
13. Vivienne. 30. Engaged for One Year.

“Never underestimate the power of a foot massage. Just make sure that he applies pressure in the middle of your foot where your arch is. It instantly makes me wet. I asked my doctor why and he said that it’s probably because foot massages tend to increase blood flow, including where the vagina is. Either way, it’s always a good night if I get a foot massage first.”
14. Michelle. 24. Single.
“I’m a doula who owns my own exercise ball…for sex. When I first started showing couples the positions that women can get into to make labor easier, it got me to thinking that some of those positions could work for sex too — and they do."
"Something about the movement of the ball takes the pressure off of the back for both men and women. It also makes getting into certain positions a lot easier so that you can enjoy sex for a lot longer.”
15. Carol. 31. Married for Five Years.
“My husband and I have bets. If he wants me to make some of his favorite meals five days in a row, he’s gotta make me cum five times in a row. If I want him to get me something that’s not in our budget, I’ve gotta attempt one of his sex fantasies. We’re both competitive as hell, so it works for us because honestly, even when we ‘lose’…we win!”
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Listen, I don’t know about y’all, but this was definitely worth my while. After all, ain’t nothin’ like some Black women who can speak from very-personal-and-up-close experience about what makes them happy — especially if it can increase the odds of bringing some sexual satisfaction your way too.
Speaking of, if you want to share the wealth, drop some of your own orgasm-related tips in the comment section. The more of us who can woosah on the regular, the better, chile. Straight up. #havefun #lotsofit
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