While doing my usual internet reading and researching, I happened upon two articles on the topic of oral sex; two that clearly aren't on the same page. One was entitled "Oral Sex Is Not The Measure Of A Partner". It opened up talking about when DJ Khaled stated that (sigh) he didn't go down and how, in spite of that being the shock (and disgust) that was heard around the world, no one should've cared but his wife. Not only that but oral sex should never be the be all or end all of a relationship. Eh. There's a lot to get into today so I won't expound too much. What I will say is I personally think that a lot of us rolled our eyes because he expected to receive what he was not willing to give; that it wasn't a mutual understanding. Sir Khaled shared a huge double standard and, in the process, he also came off pretty selfish and high schoolish about cunnilingus. Actually…younger than that because I used to mentor teens and chile, these teens out here…never mind.
Then I read another article that was more up my alley. "Why You Should Never Settle For A Relationship Without Oral Sex". Yeah, I'm totally with that. Not to say that I don't know some people who hate to give and/or receive oral sex. If that's you and your partner is cool with that, feel free to skip over this or forward it along to someone else. But if you're someone who is like, "Oral sex is a total non-negotiable in my relationship", so much in fact that, from where you sit, the more you can learn about it, the better, this is your lucky day.
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While I personally think that a willing and curious spirit is half of the battle when it comes to keeping your partner happy and satisfied in the oral sex arena, as with all things sexual, there are things that can be done to take things to another level. If you're ready to do that—or to teach your partner how—I've got some tips that will make you smile and would definitely make Khaled blush a few times over.
1. Do Some Reading on the Topic. From Black Women.
Black women are naturally sexy. That is a full and complete sentence. That's why, if you're a little apprehensive or self-conscious when it comes to discussing oral sex with your girls (because they tend to have some good tips), I recommend looking up some articles and podcasts from sistahs who are totally liberated when it comes to the topic.
Two that come to mind are the article "'HELLA BLOWS': AN ESSAY ABOUT SUCKING D*** – WE MUST STOP SHAMING BLACK WOMEN ABOUT ORAL SEX" (yep, it's printed in all caps) and the podcast "Listen: Eating that ass like groceries- Chatting about dining below the belt with Black Women Be Like and Guest" (love the African accents on this one). These are absolutely NSFW, but if you give them a shot, you might discover that it can be oddly comforting to hear Black women be so forthcoming. Also, it could possibly be what helps to pull you out of your shell or to try new things. Or, if you're already super-adventurous, it can give you something to think and/or laugh about. Because there's nothing like learning about or listening to sex from women who are a lot like you. Well, us.
2. Share Some Oral Fantasies
Personally, I think that one of the biggest misconceptions about oral sex is there is only one way to do it and everyone likes it just that way.
That said, if you're someone who is shy, disinterested or even bored when it comes to how your past oral sex encounters have been, spice things up by sharing some of your fantasies with your partner.
I'm not talking about barking orders five minutes before you attempt another round of head. I mean something along the lines of getting a journal that is completely devoted to nothing but oral sex—both ways—where you both can share your innermost thoughts, desires and curiosities. Just reading the entries alone can stir things up enough to make you want to make some of those dreams come true.
3. Invest in an Oral Sex Pillow
Sometimes oral sex feels more like a chore than anything else and it's all due to one thing—neck placement. No matter how awesome the act itself may be, it's hard to enjoy anything when it's causing some discomfort, am I right? A remedy for that is to pick up an oral sex pillow. Some that get rave reviews include the Liberator Wedge Intimate Sex Positioning Pillow, the Liberator Jaz Original Wedge Pillow and the Evercharm Half Moon Pillow Adult Toy.
4. Experiment with Various “Oral Sex Positions”
When it comes to sex positions, most of us think about them in the context of intercourse. But did you know that there are some that will take oral sex to new heights, depths and climaxes? This is one of those instances where I can show you better than I can tell you, so if you'd like to get a few ideas, click here to look at literally dozens of different oral-sex-specific poses.
5. DIY a Flavored Lubricant
Whether or not you decide to use a condom or a dental dam during oral sex (because you can get STDs from fellatio and cunnilingus; don't get it twisted), it can be fun to bring some lubricant into the mix. Just make sure that it has a flavor to it that you actually like. Because a lot of brands contain all kinds of chemicals, my suggestion would be to make some of your own.
A cool recipe that I found has coconut oil and margarita flavoring in it. Another thing that you can do is purchase some cinnamon essential oil (it's naturally sweet and packs a bit of heat). However, since both of these are oil-based and oil and latex don't mix, substituting the oil with 100 percent Aloe Vera is an alternative worth considering.
6. Chew Some Mint Gum. First.
As far as fellatio goes, for all parties involved, the more saliva (or lubrication) that's involved, the better. One way to get your juices flowing is to chew a piece of gum. The reason why I recommend one that comes in a mint flavor is it can "dull" the taste of pre-ejaculate (if that freaks you out). Plus, a minty sensation can be a pleasant cooling sensation experience for your partner.
7. Find an Atypical Location
Location, location, location. That's what they say, right? Well, another way to take oral sex to another level is by getting out of the bedroom. Oh, and totally incorporating the element of surprise. Get into the shower while your partner is washing up and getting ready for work. One or both of you kneel on the side of the couch in between favorite television programs. If you've got a garage, park your car into it and get on the hood of your vehicle. If you've got some sushi, hop on your kitchen counter to partake in a little bit of Nyotaimori (I'll let you look that one up). Get on your dryer while it's running. Find an abandoned building (at night) and go ham.
When it comes to making oral sex an unforgettable experience, creating the right ambiance will earn you some major, major points. Each and every time you intentionally decide to go beyond the borders of your bedroom.
8. Bring Some Condiments In
An ex of mine used to say that if you need to add a condiment to your meal, someone didn't cook it right. Along these same lines, while I do believe that an oral sex connoisseur shouldn't have to depend on things like honey, chocolate or maple syrup, whipped cream or ice cream in order to keep their partner climbing the walls, if you want to switch things up, bringing these into the mix certainly can't hurt.
Just make sure to use them on the genitalia and not in you as much as possible. The reason why I say that is because while the odds are low, there have been instances of women developing maggots in their vagina. Even if something that extreme doesn't happen, placing food into your vaginal canal can definitely throw off your va-jay-jay's pH balance and lead to a vaginal infection. Just something to keep in mind.
9. Keep Your Lingerie on Longer
Not too long ago, I interviewed some married couples about what they enjoy most about their sex life. Some of them raved for several minutes (good for them!), so I had to edit their responses. On the topic of oral sex, something that a husband and wife told me is there is something about a woman keeping her panties on while she's, how did Kelly Rowland put it…getting "kisses down low", that makes cunnilingus really hot. The husband's exact words were, "The tease is as fun as the actual act. If there is a foreplay to oral sex, it's leaving a pair of sexy panties on longer."
Hey, they are a decade in, so I'll totally take his word for it.
10. Talk. Listen. Rinse. Repeat.
A few months ago, Elite Daily published a piece on why dirty talk is a fave among so many people (me included). One of the things that the article mentioned is it's a proven way to destress. But even if it's not something that you and/or yours are particularly big on, never assume that either of you can read one another's mind, even in the bedroom (or wherever y'all choose to get down).
Sex, when done right, is one of the best forms of communication that there is. So, if there's something that you want more or less of, tell your partner that. Encourage him to do the same. A lot of the people I know who could take or leave oral sex have also shared that they don't want to tell their partner why. How are they supposed to please you if you don't tell them how? (That's not a rhetorical question, by the way.)
11. Stop Treating Oral Like Mere Foreplay
Personally, I think that one of the BIGGEST—yep, I'm that serious about it—mistakes that couples make is treating oral sex like its foreplay (an appetizer) rather than "real sex" (a full meal). Now when I say that, I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect more if you want more. What I am saying is that when things are done well and right, it can definitely scratch the right itch, if you know what I mean.
That said, rather than hurrying through it so that you can get on to the next part, take clocks out of the room, put on your favorite slow jams and make it a point and purpose to just be in the moment. However long that moment lasts. Whether intercourse follows…or…not.
12. Buy an Ora 2
If you want a little bit of an extra sensation, something that a lot of women are super fond of is the Ora 2 oral sex stimulator. It fits comfortably in your hand, changes intensity based on the pressure that's applied, and it's specifically designed with your clitoris in mind.
13. Don’t Get Lazy. Don’t Be Redundant Either.
Lazy head. My male friends have talked to me about it, on more than one occasion. From what they've described, it's about as bad as teeth getting in the way (which is pretty bad). Without getting too graphic, they say it's lazy when a woman thinks she's "doing something" just because a man's penis is in her mouth. Predictable head. That is what some women have told me is their oral sex pet peeve. The same kind, the same way, every time.
We're all grown here, so no one should feel as if they should get major points just for agreeing to fellatio or cunnilingus in the first place. If your intention is not to bring your "A" game (that includes enthusiasm and creativity), every time, really…why do it?
15. Praise the Performance
Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Yep. I can't remember exactly where I read it, but I did peep a piece that said that praise is important because, not only does it boost our self-esteem, it also motivates us and gives us more energy to complete whatever tasks we're involved in.
Not to say that oral sex is a chore or anything (far from it), but just imagine how much more you can get out of your partner if you tell him how bomb the experience was rather than simply yawning, rolling over and falling asleep?
BONUS: Select the Right Condom
If you'd prefer to use a condom, one way to not make the experience to where the rubber is the focal point is to get the kind that will enhance everything. I really dig that Men's Health did an entire feature entitled "These Are the Best Condoms and Lubes to Use for Oral Sex, According to a Sex Educator", so if you need some condom referrals, I recommend starting there.
Life is short. Oral sex is good. Get some and then make it better—every time. Hopefully these tips will help you and yours to do just that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
Jill Scott Is Proof That Oral Sex Can Be Empowering
6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees
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- What If You Hate Oral Sex? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
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Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
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These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
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