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Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?

If the thought of giving or receiving head makes your stomach turn, this is for you.

Sex

Recently, while talking to one of my married friends, she told me that the topic of oral sex came up in their household. All of her and her husband's children, minus one, are young teenagers at this point. And so, when one of them came into the kitchen and said, "Do you and daddy have oral sex?" and my friend replied with, "Absolutely", I rolled at her candor and how her child was like, "Eww!". The way I see it, good for them that they are so open about sex. After all, it's how their children got here.

Yet, as I thought more about fellatio and cunnilingus, I also reflected on the various responses and reactions I've witnessed, every time one or both acts are mentioned. I'd have to say that probably around 7 times out of 10, oral sex is spoken of, by both men and women, very fondly. Oh, but there is that 30 percent who, whether it's giving head and/or receiving it, words cannot express how much they find the act to be close to grotesque and definitely unappealing. "Problem" is oftentimes, when someone like this is in a relationship, that sentiment isn't even close to being mutual. And sometimes, that can rock the boat of the relationship, more than a little bit.

That's what we're gonna tackle today. If you're someone who thoroughly enjoys everything about sex other than giving oral and/or receiving it while you're partner is all for it, all day and every day (on both the giving and receiving end), here are some things to think about—that you might've never considered, quite this way, before.

Is It All in Your, Umm, Head?

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I've actually shared before that one of my favorite stories about a mom having "the sex talk" with her child for the first time came from a female comedian who was sharing her experience during a Ted Talk. Her daughter, who was somewhere between 8-10 at the time (I can't exactly remember), intently listened to her mother put her own spin on the birds and the bees. When her mom finished, the daughter then said, with a semi-horrified look on her face, "So you have sex where you pee?!", only for her mom to revisit how real that revelation was and respond by saying, "Yeah. It's kind of like taking a trip to your favorite amusement park and going to a toxic waste dump at the same time."

Even though that might initially evoke some double yucks, just at the mere thought of it all, the reality is, when any of us who have sex, that's basically what's transpiring. For whatever reason, God himself designed us to relieve ourselves with the same parts of our body where sexual pleasure comes from. So, if that is a part of the reason why the thought of engaging in oral sex freaks you out, I get it. At the same time, God also created the people who invented things like showers, baths, washcloths and soap. So, if the reason why you struggle with the thought of participating in oral sex is because "he pees down there", I promise you that if you make the request that he hop in the shower first, you will feel more calm and confident. Or at least, you should.

Have You Ever Even Tried Oral Before?

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I'm going to be very TMI here for a moment. As someone who has participated in more than her fair share of fellatio, other than bracing myself for "the final act" (I'm sure you get it), to me, it really isn't that big of a deal. In many ways, it's like sucking on a really big…I guess "thumb" would be the best way to explain it. Yes, you have to factor in things like breathing, shifting speeds and endurance (based on how long your man's stamina is), but to tell you the truth, I'm actually far more impressed with men who go down on us—not because our vaginas aren't one of the best things on this entire planet but because, if he's doing things right, there is a lot of fluid going on down there, right off the rip.

That's why, whenever a woman tells me that she hates fellatio, my first question is, "Have you ever even tried it before?" because oftentimes, they haven't. And if you've come to the conclusion that you semi-loathe something that you've never even experienced before, well, you're either basing your decision on ignorance or the stories of others—and when it comes to something like sex, that twisted logic simply isn't good enough. As Mikey used to say in the throwback Life commercial, "Try it. You just might like it."

Let’s Break Down the Penis a Bit, Shall We?

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Remember how I just said that giving head really isn't that big of a deal? If you're looking at the monitor with complete and total side-eye, I've got another question for you—how much time have you even spent with a penis? Laugh if you want but I'm dead serious. Other than perhaps catching a peek (and maybe not even wanting to do that) when your partner is naked, do you really not give penises much thought beyond it being what penetrates you during intercourse? If so, that could also be a part of the issue/problem. Sometimes it's because our parents totally sucked at giving us the sex talk, sometimes it's because we barely paid attention in high school-level anatomy class, other times it's because the Church acts like sex is something that shouldn't be discussed until marriage (and, let me tell it, barely even then)—for so many reasons, there can be such an ignorance around male genitalia that it profoundly affects us on a sexual level.

That's actually why I wrote articles on the site like, "15 Pretty Tripped Out Things You May Not Know About Penises", "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm", "10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm", "Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage" and "8 Men & 8 Women Told Me What They Wish Their Partner Would STOP Doing In Bed". I'm a firm believer that the more you learn about something, the less fearful you tend to be about it. Study the penis. It's not as "terrifying" as some of you might think that it is.

Did You Have a Bad (or Selfish) Oral Sex Experience?

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Also, remember how I said in the intro that I wasn't only going to tackle this from the angle of women who hate to give fellatio but also women who aren't big fans of receiving cunnilingus too? I know quite a few women who roll like that (interestingly enough, a lot of them are Leos and Capricorns; if you fall into that sign, please hop in the comments). When I've asked them why they would rather pass on receiving head, some have said that it simply doesn't get them off. However, more have said that the times when they have conceded and given it a shot, it felt more sopping wet and uncomfortable than anything else. And so, after giving a couple of different partners a try and the experience totally sucking (and absolutely not in a good way), they've decided to pass on all future opportunities. Then there's another scenario. Some women I know don't get down with giving or receiving oral sex because they've found their partners to be selfish as hell. Either all he cares about is getting some head or, if he is going down, it's more like he's barely tolerating it so that he can get some fellatio as soon as he's done.

If you fall into any of these dynamics, while thankfully, I can't really relate, what I will say is, you are sooooooooooo—breathe—oooooooo missing out if you've decided to let the past hinder your future. Aside from the fact that 75 percent of women barely have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone, there is something that is so damn hot about engaging in the kind of sex that has no hindrances.

If you've had a bad sexual experience (including if your partner was selfish), the best thing to do is share that with your current partner so that the two of you can work through it. If after a few tries, you're still like "nah", don't feel bad. Oral sex—on the giving or receiving end—isn't necessarily for everybody (I once had sex with a guy who really liked giving oral sex but hated receiving it…go figure). Just make sure that you've come to that conclusion solely based on preference and not some really unpleasant past situations.

What About Performance Anxiety?

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Any of you who are die-hard Insecure fans, you might recall the episode when Issa and her girls went to a sex expo and discussed their thoughts on oral sex; especially giving head. Issa shared that she wasn't that big of a fan because she felt like her teeth were too big and she wasn't all that great at it. Then, when Tiffany told her about how empowering giving fellatio was, Issa tried it on Daniel, only for him to ejaculate on her face and totally piss her off.

First, doing anything sexually with the objective of "overtaking someone" is probably not the best idea. On the sexual tip, do things because 1) you enjoy it and 2) you want to please your partner; not manipulate them. And second, while I would be lying to you if I said that all oral sex is the same (some folks really are better at it than others), what I will say is if you're with a partner who is truly worthy of you, it's not a "performance pageant" or competition of some sort. In other words, he's not looking at the top of your head and imagining a scorecard. He's simply enjoying being with you. If you're willing to check your fears and your ego (not one or the other—both) at the door, he will be willing to share with you what works for him. Also, if he's a really great lover, he will want you to do the same when it comes to pleasuring you too.

Is Giving Fellatio a Deal-Breaker for You?

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Now if after all of what I just said, you're still like, "Yeah girl, I'll pass", then this is what I've got to say on that—be upfront with your partner. The reason why is because, while oral sex may not be that big of a deal to you, it might be for him. By the way, that doesn't make him a bad person. Not in the least. Matter of fact, I've said in more than a few interviews, that if I fall in love with a man and he is not completely enthralled with oral sex, he's someone I am going to have to take a pass on, on the marriage tip. I take the marriage covenant seriously, so I'm not signing up to spend the rest of my life with someone who isn't all-the-way-dirty-down on both the giving and receiving end of head. Are y'all kidding me?

Men have the right to feel the same way. So, if you are someone who doesn't like to give fellatio and/or receive cunnilingus, once the two of you enter the sexual part of your relationship, it is definitely something that you need to put on the table. If what you're thinking is, "Why? It shouldn't be that big of a deal" then the checkmate I have for you is, if it isn't a big deal, why are you hiding it?

I am all about the right couples being a great complement for one another. So, look at it this way—if he really is your "the one", then he will Kanye shrug at your reservations and all will be fine. But if he's honest that it's something that he can't go without (whether it's giving or receiving), don't penalize him for that. Sexual satisfaction is a very real and justifiable priority in a relationship. It's always best to wait for the one who will fulfill you, as you fulfill him, fully, in this area.

Always Remember That Great Sex Comes with Some Compromise

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Compromise. It's what makes relationships go 'round. That said, if you're someone who basically hurls at the mere thought of giving or receiving oral sex, it would be totally irresponsible of me if I didn't advise that you absolutely not push yourself past your comfort zone. Sex, of any kind, should never feel violating. Yet if fellatio or cunnilingus are simply no more or less than not your favorite things to do—like maybe you've got a sexual position that you prefer over another—consider "being down" more often, simply because your partner wants to be pleased and please. Also, keep in mind that oral sex tends to have levels. What I mean by that is things like how long you do it and up to what point you do it can both take some of the "edge" off.

Bottom line, sometimes focusing more on simply being close to your partner can take some of the "eww" out of acts like oral sex. You won't know unless you try. So…why not try it?

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

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