Want To Have Hotter Oral Sex? STOP Doing These 8 Things.
I must admit that I kinda chuckled to myself as I sat down to write this. You know how a lot of guys say that there is no such thing as bad coochie? That some is simply better than others? Well, while I do know a few women who are able to share some semi-horrific tales of being on the receiving end of oral sex (a few guys can too), for the most part, I'd say that we all can agree that oral sex is bomb. For us ladies, especially, since the direct clitoral stimulation is what significantly increases our chances of having an orgasm whenever we have sex. And with that being the case, oral sex is pretty hot without figuring out ways to make it…hotter.
Indeed. Indeed. But if you're already damn near climbing the walls as it is, aren't you, just the least bit curious, about what you can do to take things to an entirely different level? If so, this is for you. It's not deep. It's not difficult. It's just a list of a few tweaks that you can make here and there so that both you and your partner can enjoy cunnilingus and fellatio in ways that you possibly never have before. Let's dig in with, not what you should start doing but actually what you should STOP doing in order to make that possible, shall we?
1. STOP Thinking It’s Weird to Ask Your Partner About Their “Pube Preferences”
Yes, y'all. I know. It is our body and we can do whatever the "f" we want with it. That is so true. But unless you're the ultimate contortionist (with a next-level kind of freaky side), you probably won't be as up-close-and-personal to your vagina as your partner will (same goes for him). That's why, it can never hurt for the two of you to discuss if either of you have pube preferences—not because you have to concede to each other's requests. More like it's because, when both of you are more comfortable with what's going on down below, that can result in a lot more pleasure. Ultimately, for the both of you.
Example. I know a woman who absolutely hates her own pubic hair, so she's been bare down there for years. When she got married, though, she found out that her husband is the total opposite; he likes pubic hair. A LOT. So, she decided to let a little of her soul grow out. What's a trip is, while he's always been down to "bless her" with some oral action, she said that he was absolutely ravenous once her pubic hair started to show. So now, she's got a fade (LOL) down there and they're both happy. Actually, she's ecstatic.
Listen, you can do all of the pushback that you want on this particular point. But if you are in a long-term relationship, it can never hurt to ask your partner, "So, how do you like it down there?" (and for him to do the same). It could open up a whole new world of possibilities, if you do.
2. STOP Always Taking All of Your Clothes Off
Is it TMI? I don't know any other way to be, so my apologies in advance. Anyway, back when I was sexually active (which included engaging in oral sex), something that was really hot to me was having sex while some of my clothes were still on. You know, breasts out of the bra, panties pushed to the side—you get it. To me, it translated that my partner was so excited to have me, that there was no time to wait for me to get naked. Plus, having sex when you're not totally in the nude makes it easier to get a quickie in when you're out—out in your car, out in the backyard…out wherever you want to take the risk. Maybe it's the exhibitionist in me coming out on this one, but you know what they say—don't knock it until you've tried it, chile.
3. STOP Always Doing It in the Dark
You know what's a trip about this particular point? I don't know one man who prefers to have sex in the dark. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that they aren't turned on when they do. What I mean is, every guy I've talked to about this topic (and it's been a lot of 'em), they've said that they wish their partner would be down to have sex more with the lights on. And the ones who consider themselves to be oral sex connoisseurs, what makes them enjoy "partaking" even more is, to not just taste the fruit but to be able to look at it as they are doing it.
If, for whatever the reason, you are shy about having sex with the lights on, no one said that you had to flip the switch up in your bedroom or open up all of the blinds during the daytime. A blue or red light bulb can provide just enough light for him to enjoy you in all of your beauty and you to feel like you're not standing directly in a spotlight.
4. STOP Sticking to the Same Sex Positions
Believe it or not, even something as phenomenal as oral sex can lean towards the boring side if you're always doing it the same way all of the time. Avoid that by intentionally getting into other positions than simply sitting up or laying on your back. If you need a little inspiration to get your creative juices flowing, check out "6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees". Come to think of it, try and incorporate a few "accessories" too. Some flavored lube. Some whipped cream. A couple of ice cubes—you know, things that will help to take cunnilingus and fellatio to an entirely higher level (than it already is)!
5. STOP Being Silent
There are a few people I know who say that they are pretty close to silent during sex. No moaning. No sweet whisperings. And, definitely not any dirty talk. For shame, for shame because science backs up the fact that when a person is already physically aroused and then they hear dirty talking coming from their partner, that further stimulates them, making orgasms much more intense and pleasurable. On this particular point, Kelly Rowland's "Motivation" comes to mind (actually, "Kisses Down Low" does too #wink). If you're shy, I get it. Look at dirty talking as a way to encourage your partner to keep doing what they already are or to switch up to what will please you more. Just saying his name in a low voice can be enough to, yes, motivate him to give you more of what you want and need, so try and get out of your silence zone. Watch how much it does for your (oral) sex life!
6. STOP Ignoring the Perineum
Ah. The perineum. I must admit that, it wasn't until I became a doula, that I knew the technical word for this little sweet spot on the body. Basically, it's the area that is right in between the vaginal opening and anus for women and the scrotum and anus for men. When a pregnant woman is a few weeks out from giving birth, it's a good idea for her perineum to be massaged and stretched with oil because it can significantly reduce her chances of experiencing any vaginal tearing. Well, when it comes to oral sex, kissing and licking the perineum can intensify you and your partner's orgasms because, for us, it's a very sensitive area of our body, and for men, it's considered to be right where their "male G-spot" is.
7. STOP Limiting Oral Sex to Foreplay—Only
I know a few women who, although they like penetrative sex, if they had to choose between it or oral sex for the rest of their lives, oral sex would win by a landslide. I get this too since several studies indicate that half of women climax from cunnilingus while 70-75 percent don't from sexual intercourse. But in my world, I want it all and I don't separate oral from intercourse. Oral might be foreplay. Oral might be the main event. Oral might be afterplay. If things are going the way I'd like for them too, oral is involved in all three categories.
The point here is to not see oral sex as just an appetizer or just the main dish. Treat it more like kissing. Let it flow in and out of your time with your partner, however and whenever. It's been my personal experience that, when you do, it will only make the act itself more satisfying and your connection with your partner, that much stronger too.
8. STOP Settling for Just One Orgasm
Not too long ago, Salt-N-Pepa's video for "Whatta Man" came on. I smiled because I've always liked it. Shoot, I've heard it so much at this point, that I pretty much know all of the lyrics. That said, there have always been two lines that have made me be like "huh?". One is "spends quality time with his kids when he can" (when he can?!). The other is "knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night". Listen, while it's cool to have such earth-shattering orgasms that one is all that you need, I personally think that is a low bar.
Make it a goal for you and your partner to have as many as you can in one sitting (one day, one night…you get it). Even though we all have different refractory periods, something that is great about oral sex is, he can make you cum, and you can "hook him up" while you get your bounce back and then, he can "return the favor" after he cums. If y'all do this right, you can get at least 3-4 orgasms in before calling it a night. Which is definitely something that makes cunnilingus an absolute fave in my book. What about you?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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