OK. Before we get all deep into this, let me just put a disclaimer up. It's been proven that, on average, a man can have an orgasm in a little under five minutes (no shocker there) while us ladies, we need a good 20-25 minutes or so (although one study said the average time is 13.5 minutes). I am a huge advocate of the female species gettin' theirs—and enjoying every moment of the process—as often as possible so, by no means, is this article about how to rush the overall process. Quickies are cool (and sometimes very necessary), but I don't know any woman who always or only wants sex to last as long as the commercial break between her favorite television show.
With all of that out of the way, what I'm about to share is how to make the peak of sex happen quicker—just in case you want to have several back-to-back, you want to have simultaneous ones with your partner more often or you simply want to teach your body how to not take 20 minutes if you don't want to wait that long.
As a heads up, there's a far greater chance that you can shave somewhere around 10 minutes off of your time if you do at least five of these things during each of your sessions. The good news about that is, as you're about to see in just a sec, I can't see one good reason why you wouldn't want to check all of these off of your sex-sessions-to-do list at least every other time you have sex with anyone. You'll see why I say that in just a minute.
Become a “Sextpert”
Thankfully, I've never been with a man who wasn't a fan of foreplay. Not only did they all enjoy partaking in it, they liked to mentally "set the stage" hours, days even, before anything went down; only my experience of pre-play was a bit different. Back when I was sexually active, I don't remember people being as text-consumed as they are now. I don't know about you but I know women in their late 70s who prefer doing it to talking on the phone!
Since that's the way it is in these streets, you might as well get good at sexting. From what I hear, it's one of the best kinds of foreplay when you and your partner are not in the same room with one another. If you're not already a pro at doing it, some sexting apps you might want to try are Kaboom (it functions like a sexy form of Snapchat), Confide (it makes screenshotting virtually impossible) and Dust (it not only encrypts your messages but no personal data is required; all you need is a name and password). Another thing that you can do is become fluent in sex emoji language. The Cut is a site that features a pretty extensive sex emoji list. Other than that, just remember to use your imagination and have lots of fun!
Now that you know how to protect your goodies—in word and in deed—from everyone but your partner, you can dirty text and nudie shot to your heart's content. I'd venture to say that just about anyone is ready to climax after sexting their partner all day long.
Extend the Foreplay
Speaking of foreplay, does it really need to go on record that the longer it lasts, the easier orgasms will be? Kissing. Fondling. Massages. Strip teases. Sexy board games. Making out (indoors or out). Impromptu lingerie (or nude) modeling. Shaving your man's face. Letting him shave you elsewhere. Bathing together. Enjoying a meal of nothing but aphrodisiacs. Discussing each other's fantasies. Something all of these things have in common is they qualify as being foreplay. The more build-up there is leading to the sex, the better the sex will be once it happens. So get off of the foreplay clock, take your time and enjoy each other.
Light Some Jasmine-Scented Candles
One of my favorite medical-related websites is Dr. Axe and he just happens to be a fan of one of my favorite scents—jasmine. According to him, jasmine essential oil reduces anxiety and stress, fights depression, relieves chronic fatigue syndrome, is a reliable PMS remedy and is also a tried-and-true aphrodisiac. The reason why it works on the arousal tip is because jasmine is able to increase your blood circulation, body temperature and overall breathing rate.
Placing jasmine directly onto your body is definitely one way to get you and your partner revved up. Taking a shower together with jasmine oil in your diffuser and then lighting some jasmine-scented soy candles (soy ones last longer and burn cleaner) in your bedroom is a great idea too; being that it will heighten your sense of smell, and women with strong smelling abilities are able to have more orgasms. It's proven.
Tell Him “More Neck Time, Please”
A few years back, TIME published an article about what science considers to be women's most intense erogenous zones. Guess what won out? It wasn't just the standard breasts and clitoris; it was also a woman's neck, forearm and abdomen. The neck is what intrigued me the most, so I went to look up why.
Apparently, our necks are extremely sensitive to light touch; especially the nape and back of the neck. As far as a man's favorite foreplay go-to spot, our breasts, they respond well to pressure and vibration; however, because they are so sensitive, there needs to be a switch-up in focus. After too long, it can be less sexy and more annoying. That's why men should explore more than just…the obvious.
Anyway, sex experts say that the more our neck is played with, the quicker an orgasm will come.
Bring Some Coconut and Cinnamon Oil into the Mix
If you want to speed up your climax, more lubrication is most definitely gonna help you to get the job done. A lot of doctors sing the praises of coconut oil because it's a natural option that contains antibacterial properties. I will give you a heads up that although coconut oil is dope, it can sometimes be a little too harsh. If after using it, you feel itchy, it could be because the properties in it have disrupted your pH balance. In this case, an alternative is sweet almond oil or an organic lubricant brand like Sliquid Organics Natural Lubricating Gel (it's pretty affordable on Amazon).
Once you've got the right oil, add a little cinnamon essential oil to it. Not only is it naturally sweet to the taste buds, but it provides a tingly sensation that will set off more than a couple of fireworks!
Get Your Belly Button Some (More) Attention
Here's the phrase for today—"naval fetishization". It's all centered around the fact that some of us are able to have orgasms when our belly buttons are given the much-needed attention that they deserve. What makes it all happen? Legend has it that when our belly button is stimulated, it arouses the vagus nerve which is a nerve that connects our brain to our cervix. When that happens, an orgasm is just around the corner.
Sounds to me like that's one more place that men shouldn't underestimate. Point your partner into that direction and let me know if that triggers anything for you.
Be a Queen Who’s “Queening”
You are a queen, so why wouldn't you be out here queening? What is that exactly? It's the slang term for face-sitting. As far as the cunnilingus portion of why this will give you an orgasm faster, I'm thinking that's obvious—it's all about positioning oneself. When you're on your back, your partner is more in control. When you've over his head, you are. And when you can control his mouth, all kinds of amazingness ensues!
Get into the “Cat” Position
I remember once seeing two cats have sex. It was super fascinating. The female cat was on her stomach while the male cat was on her back, seemingly biting her neck (if you think I'm making it up, you can watch it all go down on YouTube here). Not to get too graphic or personal but when I saw that, I thought to myself, "maybe cats are my spirit animal" because I am a big fan of that position myself.
The reason why we humans like it is because a man can better control how deeply he penetrates as we women are able to stimulate our clitoris simultaneously. As a direct result, quicker and much more intense orgasms. It's the blended variety too.
Become More of a Missionary
The missionary position is a classic one; that's because it's been able to give women orgasms since the beginning of time. From the on and offline research I've done, sex experts and women alike agree that the combination of the eye contact, kissing and comfort of their partner's body enveloping them all play a direct role into why this is the kind of sex position that can give you a faster orgasm.
Even if you think it's a little on the boring side, give it some points for being mad reliable. Because it is.
Breathe Deeply
Television and the movies tend to depict a lot of things incorrectly. For me, the first two that come to mind is labor and sex (not necessarily in that order). Back when I was getting my birthing certification in order to become a doula, I took a series of Hypnobabies courses (the same birthing class that Meghan Markle took). One of the things that it taught was the importance of deep, slow and focused breathing.
As life would have it, the way to have a lot of fun while making a baby is to deep breathe when you feel like you're about to climax as well. When you deep breathe during sex, it increases blood circulation. The more that happens, the more likely you'll be able to have one in record time; a really powerful one too!
So, if you've been he-he-hee'in during sex or labor, that's been working against not for you. You're much better off breathing in, holding for a count of 3-5 and fully exhaling. Next time you bring a baby into this world, the contractions—or pressure waves as we call them in hypnobabies world—will be easier to handle. And, as far as your bedroom action goes, your orgasms will come so much quicker. (Someone put Hollywood actors on game about that. Thank you.)
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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