Quantcast

I Only Have One Rule In The Bedroom: I Come First.

Sex

"Damn. That was it?"

A familiar phrase and a stark reminder of why I only have one rule in the bedroom: I come first.


I've grown weary of the reminder that I have good p*ssy, because this is something that I know. Guys normally lean in right before their big "O" to inform me of how tight and wet I am, which is usually their excuse as to why they couldn't offer me more than five minutes of action.

My first sexual experiences were totally male-focused and I began to believe that was how it was supposed to be. I hadn't been told or seen any different. Even most porn is male-centric, the focus is rarely on the woman's climax. My sexual inhibitions were always stifled by my partner's urgency to orgasm, leaving me to feel repressed and unsatisfied.

Related: My First Orgasm Changed Everything I Thought I Knew About Sex

It wasn't until I was 24 that I first confronted a man for not having the desire to make me orgasm. He came over, humped me for a total of three minutes, and fell alongside of me. In my bed. In my apartment. In which he did not pay bills. And then, he went to sleep like a baby. The first time that he failed to make me climax, I showed mercy. I assumed that he had a long day, and felt as though I shouldn't be so demanding. But after the fifth time of the cycle of a few strokes, finish, pass out, and repeat - I had enough.

"What about me?" I asked him softly, calmly.

To which he replied, "If you want me to be honest, I don't really feel like it."

All I could see was red. I screamed at him to get the f*ck out of my apartment. He stuttered, glared at me, amazed by my exclamation. I yelled louder for him to leave as I pulled the pillow from beneath his head and ripped the covers from his scrawny naked body. He stumbled out of my bed, scrambling to put his clothes on.

I can admit, my response was disproportionate to the situation. Maybe it was pent up aggression and frustration after years of sexual oppression from being relentlessly humped by men that could give a damn about my own liberation. Or maybe I was just really, really horny. Needless to say, we didn't speak after that night and I didn't care. Not only had I learned a valuable lesson about relenting my energy so freely, but I had also developed a new perspective about sex.

I deserve to orgasm, every damn time.

In college, I admittedly was promiscuous. I would have sex with one guy after another, hoping to find out what all the hype was about. I didn't like sex until I was 21 and met a man who changed that. He was 18, fresh outta highschool, and a terrible choice for a suitor but he f*cked me in ways grown men had never been able to, and he always made sure I came first.

Sex before and after him had been mediocre.

Related: This Is Why I'm Okay With Having Sex With My Ex

Guys didn't care if I climaxed. It was a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic that, as I got older, sickened me to my core. I've developed the standard that if I decide to share my sacred spaces with you, the least you can do is get me off. I also understand that your desire to get me off, as a man, is predicated on your own sexual fulfillment.

I decided that it was time to put an end to the male-centric sex in my life and got myself off that night, thus I developing the golden bedroom rule that I now live, honor, and abide by. No longer will men be permitted to waltz in my bedroom with their only goal being to fulfill themselves, and then rush me to reach my level of optimum pleasure.

I. Come. First.

I can admit, my rule hasn't always been effective and there have been times I've allowed men in my bedroom to get ahead of themselves. But I find solace in knowing that my climax is the center of attention during a sexual encounter, therefore the tables are turned and his orgasm is predicated on mine.

Give my method a try, and I promise that it will switch up your sex life.

What are some methods you use to regain your feminine power in the bedroom? Drop some suggestions in the comments!

This article is in partnership with Xfinity.

Those who have experienced an HBCU homecoming understand the assignment. Students, alumni, and family of a Historically Black College and University gather to partake in the excitement of celebrating the heritage and culture of the school. It's a time of joy, honoring traditions, and for some, reflecting on the good ol' days. Homecoming weekends are spent eating well, laughing plenty, and enjoying the sights; and there is plenty to see! (Spoiler alert: Sleep is not on the syllabus.)

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Summer is coming to an end, and it's officially time to start the fall activities. And with the start of a new season comes new movies and shows. One, in particular, is the final season of Netflix's Dear White People, airing September 22. A great thing about this show is that it sparks healthy conversation. Past seasons have explored topics like double consciousness, sexuality, and the Me Too Movement, but it's done it in a way that still allows the show to feel relatable and fun.

Keep reading... Show less

Period pain. Lawd. Could there be something that is more annoying, especially since it happens every 28-30 days? Like, c'mon. If you've ever wondered about the science behind it all, basically, we need our uterus to contract, so that it can shed the lining that accumulated, just in case we conceived in between cycles. And so, what basically happens is, the prostaglandins levels in our system increase which trigger inflammation and also period pain, so that the blood is able to flow from our bodies.

Keep reading... Show less

One of my favorite things about the changing seasons are the new vibes and new energies that change welcomes with it. September represents a transition from the white sand beaches, bottomless brunches, and undeniable romantic vibes long nights, festivals, and impromptu road trips often thought of when we think about the summer. In its place comes romanticism in a different approach. Pumpkin spice anything, the excuse to cuddle up, and the leaves of the trees turning warm shades sparks joy in a different way as fall begins. Perhaps what I am most excited about though are the 2021 wellness trends that come with it.

Keep reading... Show less

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with some folks about songs that should've been official singles yet never were. One of the ones that I shared was Mariah Carey's "All Alone in Love" (a song that she wrote when she was only 15, by the way). To me, it's a perfect way to intro this piece because I have had enough personal experiences and counseled enough people to know that it is very possible to be in a relationship with someone — and still feel quite alone in it. Not because your partner doesn't love you. Not because they're up to some totally f'ed up shenanigans. It's just…even though you signed up for a true and lasting partnership, somehow you now feel some of the very words that define what being alone can feel like: unattended, detached, unassisted, semi-compassionless and perhaps even abandoned on some levels.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Exclusive: Lucky Daye Is Doing It For The Culture, From The Soul

Every so often, an artist comes along who seems to be a physical manifestation of all that we are.

Latest Posts