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How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time

Sex

Personally, I think that simultaneous orgasms are dope. Aight, full disclosure is I think any orgasm is something to write home about, but the reason why I'm honing in on simultaneous ones today is because, as a marriage life coach, I find them to be one of the best metaphors for a healthy and happy marriage. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Let's chat a little bit about what a simultaneous orgasm is and how commonly it happens for couples, first.

A simultaneous orgasm is literally what it sounds like it is; it's when both people are able to climax at the same time.

When I did some online research about how commonly it happens for couples, a survey of 730 people revealed that 75 percent had achieved one before, 2 percent have them every time they have sex (that's pretty impressive right there!), yet 38 percent of women said they didn't mind if they didn't orgasm with their partner. All of this is interesting, but it's the 43 percent of couples who said they had to put in work in order to make a simultaneous orgasm happen that I really want to focus on.

For the record, there are benefits that come from not having simultaneous orgasms. You get to witness your partner's own pleasure more. Since one of you probably has more energy than the other, you can use that to get your partner aroused enough to go another round. At the same time, there is something very telling about being able to hit the "sweet spot" of a simultaneous climax. When both individuals have become so in tuned with their partner that they are able to orgasm at the same time, it resonates a kind of…"harmony" is the word that immediately comes to mind. It's a reminder that when you and yours are intentional about making something happen, even in the bedroom, it can indeed happen.

That's why I think that simultaneous orgasms are an in-the-bedroom example of how to make a marriage last. If you're still not sold on where I'm coming from, humor me a bit and check out five things that are required to achieve this kind of climax. Then tell me if you don't see how these kinds of things mirror what a great marriage requires as well.

Simultaneous Orgasms Require Clear and Concise Communication

Something that I dig about my close married friends is they are super candid about their sex lives. Case in point, as I was trying to gather some personal data on this particular topic, I asked a wife that I know about how often she thought she and her husband (of about a decade) had simultaneous orgasms. Her answer? "I'd say around 40 percent of the time." When I told her how impressed I was, her immediate response is what stood out most. "My husband is very aware when it comes to my body. We communicate really well."

If you Google the top reasons why married couples divorce, communication is almost always in the top five. Just like two people have a greater chance of experiencing a simultaneous orgasm if they are open and candid enough to share what they need and how they need it, a marriage has a far greater chance of succeeding if a couple follows suit outside of the bedroom.

A simultaneous orgasm is an awesome reminder that clear and concise communication is the key to a healthy marriage—whether a couple is having sex or not.

Simultaneous Orgasms Need Good Timing

I'm pretty sure it comes as no shocker to you that a man only needs five minutes (on average) to have an orgasm while a woman needs around 20 (foreplay is included). This means that in order for two people to climax together, they have to figure out how to make the most of the 15-minute window. In order to do that, both need to become masters at timing. Timing is simply the process of making the most of your moments in order to produce the best results. When this happens during sex, simultaneous orgasms are often the direct result. When it happens outside of sex, it can prevent arguments and emotional disconnections.

I'll give you an example. Say that your mom and hubby don't exactly get along. A couple of days ago, you and your husband had a disagreement about how to make things better between the two of them. Hitting him with the "Mom said she's coming this weekend for a few days" is probably gonna make matters worse, not better. It might be wiser to revisit the discussion, hear him out, offer a few suggestions and assurances and have mom come next month.

When they say that "timing is everything", they ain't neva lied when it comes to climaxing together and keeping a peaceful household and marital union.

Simultaneous Orgasms Mean Putting Your Partner’s Needs Before Your Own

If you do some internet research for tips on how to achieve a simultaneous orgasm, a lot of sex experts believe that proper positioning plays a significant role. What kind of sex positions? Many recommend the cowgirl, doggy style or the vertical version of the Cancer zodiac sign (some of y'all will catch that later). But even so, you have to take into account that you might prefer sex one way while your partner does another.

You know what that means, right? In order to truly achieve a simultaneous orgasm, there has to be compromise and sometimes even sacrifice (by the way, in its proper context, "sacrifice" is not a bad word. It simply means to give up one thing in hopes of getting something better in return).

Compromise and sacrifice in order to fulfill your partner's needs. Ask any married couple you know, just how much both of these things come into play in order to make their relationship work. If they are truly in it to win it, they are gonna say that it transpires A LOT.

Simultaneous Orgasms Won’t Work Without Tons of Creativity

Something that I think everyone can agree on, from the sex experts to the couples themselves, is the fact that simultaneous orgasms don't "just happen". They require a significant amount of effort and creativity. Between my own research, including unofficial interviews with couples that I know, I've heard that everything from sex with the lights on or in the shower to new lingerie and massages as a form of foreplay all play a role in successfully having an orgasm at the same time that one's partner does.

Now step out of your bedroom for just a moment. How creative are you and your spouse, in general? Something that I dig about the definitions of creativity is they don't just speak to being imaginative; they also speak of being original and productive too. How imaginative are your dates? How original are the traditions you've created within your relationship? How productive are the two of you when it comes to achieving various goals and plans?

Yep. Creativity should work both inside of the bedroom as we as out. Consistently so.

Simultaneous Orgasms Happen After Lots of Practice

You've probably heard that it takes 21 days to make (and break) a habit. I did some digging around and apparently, it's a cosmetic surgeon by the name of Maxwell Maltz who came up with that theory back in the 1960s. Not everyone agrees with him, though. A study from the University College London believes it takes more like 66 days. How'd they come to that conclusion? Out of the 96 people they surveyed, some folks took 18 days to make a habit while others took 296 days. 66 days is the average of the two that the researchers came up with.

However, the one thing that Maltz and the college can agree on is repetition is the only way that we can learn anything. It's the way we're wired. Since practicing something is how you cultivate a habit and also since it's kind of rare to master simultaneous orgasms the first try, this is another lesson that this kind of climaxing can teach about marriage.

Climaxing together requires doing some of the same things—techniques, positions, timing—over and over again. In many ways, having a solid marriage also requires doing the same things—communicating, executing, supporting and respecting one another—over and over again too.

The more I think about it, the more I'm going to recommend simultaneous orgasms to the couples that I work with. Seems to me, the more practice they put into those, the better they'll be at their marriage overall. Cool. Very cool.

Featured image by Getty Images

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

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Sometimes, when things are a little "off" when it comes to our health, there are simple steps that we can take to get ourselves back on track. For instance, did you know that around 92 percent of Americans are considered to be vitamin or mineral deficient in some way? And since there are core nutrients that all of us need in order to function properly, it's important that we're aware of what certain deficiencies are directly linked to.

Today, that is the focus. Here are eight health-related issues that, oftentimes, if we'd just add more of a vitamin or mineral into our system, we will start to feel better in no time (technically a couple of weeks but you get my drift).

1. Muscle Cramping

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Something that happens randomly to me sometimes is I'll have a muscle that cramps up, seemingly out of nowhere. Then I'll snack on a banana and start to feel better. You know why? It's because bananas are high in potassium and potassium is a nutrient that our system needs in order for our muscles to easily contract. If you sweat a lot or don't have enough fluids in your system, you can become a high candidate for being potassium deficient. As far as how much your body requires on a daily basis, it's somewhere between 3,000-4,000 mg a day. Foods that are a good source of this mineral (that is also an electrolyte) include mushrooms, zucchini, cucumbers, sweet potatoes and lentils.

2. Lip Cracking

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If your PMS is off the chain or you've been catching a lot of colds lately, it could be because you need some more Vitamin B6 in your life. However, a telling sign that this is almost definitely the case is if the corners of your lips are cracking or even if your tongue feels a bit swollen.

The main thing to keep in mind with this point is if you're noticing indications that you could stand to have more Vitamin B6, there's a pretty good chance that your system has gotten close to totally running out. And just how much does your body need of this vitamin on the daily? About 1.3 mg. Up it up to 1.5 mg if you're over the age of 50.

Foods that are loaded with Vitamin B6 are peanuts, poultry, oats, avocados and pistachios.

3. Brittle Nails

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If it seems like no matter how much pampering you do to your nails, they are brittle and breaking, that could be an indication that you are low in iron and/or Vitamin C. The reality is that just our periods alone can make us vulnerable to having lower iron levels. And just how much should you be getting into your system? A lot of healthcare professionals recommend somewhere around 14.8 mg each day. As far as the Vitamin C goes, not only can you have brittle nails when you're not getting enough of it, this is a nutrient that makes it easier for your body to absorb iron too. 75 mg per day of it is recommended (120 mg each day if you're pregnant or are breastfeeding). Foods that are high in iron include beef, dark leafy greens, quinoa, pumpkin seeds and broccoli. Foods that are a good source of Vitamin C include citrus fruits, peppers, potatoes, berries and Brussel sprouts.

4. Allergy Symptoms

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If you've got allergy symptoms that are driving you totally up the wall or you're someone who deals with asthma or eczema, these things can be so much worse for you if you are low in omega-3. Long story short, they're fatty acids that pretty much every part of our body needs from our skin and hair to our reproductive system and our heart. Matter of fact, I actually read once that if you tend to have an excessive amount of earwax, that can also be a heads up that omega-3 is lacking. As far as how much is good for you, 1.1 grams daily is enough. And as far as foods that have omega-3 in them, those would be walnuts, spinach, salmon, chia seeds and eggs.

5. Weakness

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Magnesium is both a mineral as well as an electrolyte that helps to regulate muscle and nerve functions and keep your blood sugar in balance. Well, when you don't have enough magnesium in you, it can cause you to experience extreme amounts of fatigue and weakness. A part of the reason why is because magnesium is what helps to keep your potassium levels where they should be. So, when your potassium levels are low, your muscles will not perform with as much strength as they should. Somewhere around 315 mg each day is what your system requires. Foods that are loaded with magnesium include whole grains, pumpkin seeds, halibut, bananas and dark chocolate.

6. Hair Loss

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One of the main things that all of us need in order for our hair to flourish is zinc. It's a mineral that assists with hair tissue growth and repair, fights dandruff and, it also helps your scalp to produce the sebum that it needs for your hair follicles to remain healthy. That's why it makes a lot of sense that if you're low in zinc, you could possibly suffer from some hair loss or, the very least, hair breakage. What can keep your tresses in good condition is if you consume around 8 mg of zinc daily. Foods that are high in it include Greek yogurt, cashews, black beans, sesame seeds and kale.

7. Sleepiness

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OK, if you're out here getting less than six hours a night on a consistent basis, that's probably not an indication that you are lacking a nutrient; what that probably means is you are sleep deprived.

However, if it seems like no matter how much sleep you get at night and/or naps you take during the day, you are still sleepy as all get out, what that could be telling you is that you are low in Vitamin B12. I can personally attest to this because I was sleepy a lot (and I get no less than six hours a night and sometimes a nap) until I started taking a B12 supplement. When you're low in this vitamin, it can trigger sleepiness or even sleeplessness because it plays a significant role in maintaining your energy levels.

It's kinda crazy that a lot of us are Vitamin B12 deficient when most of us only need .002 mg a day of it. Anyway, foods that are a good source of this nutrient include liver, fortified cereals, shellfish, nutritional yeast and milk alternatives (like almond or oat milk).

8. Food Cravings

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Last fall, I wrote an article about signs that you've got a sugar addiction going on (you can check it out here). One indication is if you're constantly wanting to eat sweets all of the time. Well, along these same lines, if you're experiencing food cravings, that too could mean that you've not some nutrient deficiencies happening. Sweets typically mean that you can stand to have more magnesium or tryptophan. Fatty foods mean you need more calcium. Red meat, caffeine or the desire to chew ice means you're low in iron. Salt is oftentimes connected to dehydration or an electrolyte imbalance.

Wanting to eat bread all of the time could also mean that you could use a tryptophan boost (because you are looking for something to make you feel better and bread is a comfort food. Tryptophan helps to produce the feel-good hormone serotonin so that you don't want bread as much). Foods that are high in tryptophan include tuna, cheese, turkey, milk and apples.

While I certainly wasn't able to tackle all of the nutrient deficient-related issues that exist, take this as a bit of an intro cheat sheet. Again, if you are currently experiencing any of these issues, try getting more vitamins and minerals into your system. You might be surprised just how big of an impact...a little bit of tweaking can make.

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I can honestly say that I haven't used Cantu since I went natural back in 2016. It's not that I don't like the brand — let's be honest, Cantu is the holy grail brand that a lot of us probably started our natural hair journey with. It was and still is affordable, accessible, and effective haircare. I somewhat strayed away though because it's very easy to get caught up in trying different brands that some products honestly just get lost in the sea of haircare. Nevertheless, Cantu has dropped a few collections that I couldn't help but try. One of their most recent drops is the Jamaican Black Castor Oil line which works for all hair types but is made with 4C hair in mind.

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