How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time
Personally, I think that simultaneous orgasms are dope. Aight, full disclosure is I think any orgasm is something to write home about, but the reason why I'm honing in on simultaneous ones today is because, as a marriage life coach, I find them to be one of the best metaphors for a healthy and happy marriage. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Let's chat a little bit about what a simultaneous orgasm is and how commonly it happens for couples, first.
A simultaneous orgasm is literally what it sounds like it is; it's when both people are able to climax at the same time.
When I did some online research about how commonly it happens for couples, a survey of 730 people revealed that 75 percent had achieved one before, 2 percent have them every time they have sex (that's pretty impressive right there!), yet 38 percent of women said they didn't mind if they didn't orgasm with their partner. All of this is interesting, but it's the 43 percent of couples who said they had to put in work in order to make a simultaneous orgasm happen that I really want to focus on.
For the record, there are benefits that come from not having simultaneous orgasms. You get to witness your partner's own pleasure more. Since one of you probably has more energy than the other, you can use that to get your partner aroused enough to go another round. At the same time, there is something very telling about being able to hit the "sweet spot" of a simultaneous climax. When both individuals have become so in tuned with their partner that they are able to orgasm at the same time, it resonates a kind of…"harmony" is the word that immediately comes to mind. It's a reminder that when you and yours are intentional about making something happen, even in the bedroom, it can indeed happen.
That's why I think that simultaneous orgasms are an in-the-bedroom example of how to make a marriage last. If you're still not sold on where I'm coming from, humor me a bit and check out five things that are required to achieve this kind of climax. Then tell me if you don't see how these kinds of things mirror what a great marriage requires as well.
Simultaneous Orgasms Require Clear and Concise Communication
Something that I dig about my close married friends is they are super candid about their sex lives. Case in point, as I was trying to gather some personal data on this particular topic, I asked a wife that I know about how often she thought she and her husband (of about a decade) had simultaneous orgasms. Her answer? "I'd say around 40 percent of the time." When I told her how impressed I was, her immediate response is what stood out most. "My husband is very aware when it comes to my body. We communicate really well."
If you Google the top reasons why married couples divorce, communication is almost always in the top five. Just like two people have a greater chance of experiencing a simultaneous orgasm if they are open and candid enough to share what they need and how they need it, a marriage has a far greater chance of succeeding if a couple follows suit outside of the bedroom.
A simultaneous orgasm is an awesome reminder that clear and concise communication is the key to a healthy marriage—whether a couple is having sex or not.
Simultaneous Orgasms Need Good Timing
I'm pretty sure it comes as no shocker to you that a man only needs five minutes (on average) to have an orgasm while a woman needs around 20 (foreplay is included). This means that in order for two people to climax together, they have to figure out how to make the most of the 15-minute window. In order to do that, both need to become masters at timing. Timing is simply the process of making the most of your moments in order to produce the best results. When this happens during sex, simultaneous orgasms are often the direct result. When it happens outside of sex, it can prevent arguments and emotional disconnections.
I'll give you an example. Say that your mom and hubby don't exactly get along. A couple of days ago, you and your husband had a disagreement about how to make things better between the two of them. Hitting him with the "Mom said she's coming this weekend for a few days" is probably gonna make matters worse, not better. It might be wiser to revisit the discussion, hear him out, offer a few suggestions and assurances and have mom come next month.
When they say that "timing is everything", they ain't neva lied when it comes to climaxing together and keeping a peaceful household and marital union.
Simultaneous Orgasms Mean Putting Your Partner’s Needs Before Your Own
If you do some internet research for tips on how to achieve a simultaneous orgasm, a lot of sex experts believe that proper positioning plays a significant role. What kind of sex positions? Many recommend the cowgirl, doggy style or the vertical version of the Cancer zodiac sign (some of y'all will catch that later). But even so, you have to take into account that you might prefer sex one way while your partner does another.
You know what that means, right? In order to truly achieve a simultaneous orgasm, there has to be compromise and sometimes even sacrifice (by the way, in its proper context, "sacrifice" is not a bad word. It simply means to give up one thing in hopes of getting something better in return).
Compromise and sacrifice in order to fulfill your partner's needs. Ask any married couple you know, just how much both of these things come into play in order to make their relationship work. If they are truly in it to win it, they are gonna say that it transpires A LOT.
Simultaneous Orgasms Won’t Work Without Tons of Creativity
Something that I think everyone can agree on, from the sex experts to the couples themselves, is the fact that simultaneous orgasms don't "just happen". They require a significant amount of effort and creativity. Between my own research, including unofficial interviews with couples that I know, I've heard that everything from sex with the lights on or in the shower to new lingerie and massages as a form of foreplay all play a role in successfully having an orgasm at the same time that one's partner does.
Now step out of your bedroom for just a moment. How creative are you and your spouse, in general? Something that I dig about the definitions of creativity is they don't just speak to being imaginative; they also speak of being original and productive too. How imaginative are your dates? How original are the traditions you've created within your relationship? How productive are the two of you when it comes to achieving various goals and plans?
Yep. Creativity should work both inside of the bedroom as we as out. Consistently so.
Simultaneous Orgasms Happen After Lots of Practice
You've probably heard that it takes 21 days to make (and break) a habit. I did some digging around and apparently, it's a cosmetic surgeon by the name of Maxwell Maltz who came up with that theory back in the 1960s. Not everyone agrees with him, though. A study from the University College London believes it takes more like 66 days. How'd they come to that conclusion? Out of the 96 people they surveyed, some folks took 18 days to make a habit while others took 296 days. 66 days is the average of the two that the researchers came up with.
However, the one thing that Maltz and the college can agree on is repetition is the only way that we can learn anything. It's the way we're wired. Since practicing something is how you cultivate a habit and also since it's kind of rare to master simultaneous orgasms the first try, this is another lesson that this kind of climaxing can teach about marriage.
Climaxing together requires doing some of the same things—techniques, positions, timing—over and over again. In many ways, having a solid marriage also requires doing the same things—communicating, executing, supporting and respecting one another—over and over again too.
The more I think about it, the more I'm going to recommend simultaneous orgasms to the couples that I work with. Seems to me, the more practice they put into those, the better they'll be at their marriage overall. Cool. Very cool.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images