How To Become A True Master At Timing
I have a friend whose superpower is timing. I've honestly never seen anything quite like it. An opportunity can come to him that, to me, seems like the best thing ever and he'll be like, "Yeah…it's not time." He'll let it go and not think too much about it. It's usually not until several months or even a couple of years later that similar opportunity will present itself. But the second time, 9 times out of 10, it requires much less effort on his part and the money that's on the table is at least double what the original offer was.
Whenever I ask him the secret to knowing that things will play out that way, he usually says something along the lines of:
"When I don't feel complete peace about something, I don't move…yet. If it's meant to be, it'll come back around at a time when I can really feel good about it."
So, you know what that means, right? Sounds to me like the first step towards becoming a master at timing is patience (more on that in a bit). Not only patience but self-confidence as well. He knows that he's so good at what he does that the things that are truly right for him will never pass him by.
Now, just think about all of the things that you went after or allowed into your life all because you were afraid of what would happen if they didn't? Yeah, there's no telling how many of us are bad at timing, simply due to us having a sense of desperation or worry attached to our decisions.
Well, there's no time like the present to break out of that mode. They say that timing is everything, so if you're finally ready to get what timing has determined is the absolute best for you, consider applying the following six tips.
6 Ways To Master The Art Of Timing
1.Know What Is Truly an Opportunity (and What Isn't)
Grandma used to tell us that everything that comes to us isn't for us. She's right. Personally, I tend to take this a step further. Whenever I meet new people, I'll say (usually in my mind as to not be rude), "Who sent you?" because everyone who comes our way doesn't have our best interest at heart either.
After learning more and more about how to make this timing thing work for me, I've realized that it's so much easier to do when I know what is truly an opportunity vs. what isn't. What I mean by that is, just because an offer, relationship, job, platform, etc. presents itself, that doesn't automatically mean that it's a real opportunity. By definition, an opportunity is something that comes to us at the appropriate time; it's also a situation that actually helps us to reach a goal that we're trying to attain.
So, the next time something or someone is presented to you, think about how appropriate (suitable or fitting for a particular purpose, person, occasion, etc.) it is along with how it will get you closer to your goals, plans and ambitions. If it gets the green light on both, this is a HUGE indication that it's something that came your way—at just the right time.
2.Make Sure Your Feelings and Logic Work Together
Yes, there is something to be said for women's intuition. But you know what's even more powerful? Intuition mixed with logic. While there is plenty of data that supports the fact that there is something to be said for us following our gut instincts, logical thinking is about facts, reality and doing what is reasonable; it's about not just making choices that are rooted in emotion alone.
The reason why applying gut instinct and logic is so important when it comes to mastering timing is because while your emotions will let you know what feels right, logic will help you to keep your feelings in balance.
Here's an example. Say that you're being strongly considered for a promotion that requires you to move to another city. While you might feel like it's a good idea, your poor credit score, the fact that you need a new vehicle but can't afford to get one yet, compounded with the fact that the raise you'd be getting isn't nothing to really brag about, all may point to it not being the best time for that kind of life change. At the same time, it can be a sign that it's a good season to get those things in order so that you're fully ready when the next opportunity rolls around.
When feelings and logic are in harmony, it can help you to understand when something is the right time now or when you should be preparing for something to be the right time…later.
3.Be on the Lookout for Signs and Symbols
Everyone close to me knows that I am quite the "signs and wonders" kind of individual. I can't recall the last time I needed to make a major decision and a sign didn't come along to confirm what I needed to do. However, the key towards having this work effectively in your favor is asking for a sign and then fully surrendering to the outcome.
One time, I was trying to decide if I should stop investing in something. I asked for a sign before I went to bed. The following morning, someone I hadn't spoken to in months, called me to say that they had a dream the night before about that very investment.
To me, it's God's way of reminding me that He's in control. It's a lot like a quote I once read—"There are no coincidences; just 'God incidences.'" If you're open to signs and symbols along the way (for the record, sometimes asking for a sign and not getting one is also a sign), this is another step that can help you to get better at moving at just the right time in your life.
4.Focus More on Circumstances Than Clocks
One of my married female friends (who is in her 50s) once gave me one of my favorite compliments to date. As we were discussing the fact that I'm in my 40s with no husband or kids and how I was at peace with both, she said, "I think it's because a lot of women want a family. Sometimes we want that so badly that we settle in the husband department, just so we can have kids before our clock runs out. You? I think your desire for a healthy marriage trumps you worrying about your biological clock. You want a great relationship, no matter the sacrifice."
She's exactly right. Have you ever been sitting somewhere, chillin' with a friend, totally present and in the moment with them, but for some reason you look at your smartphone, realize what time it is and suddenly everything comes to a screeching halt? Not because you actually have anywhere to be, but simply because you saw the time and now you're rushing yourself (and your friend)?
Unfortunately, a lot of us live our lives just like this. We're not thinking about what is truly best for us or even what we're enjoying in the present; we're anxious, fearful and sometimes even a little desperate, all because we're too caught up in what "time" it is. And that can cause us to miss out. Haste makes waste, after all.
Believe you me, I'm not gonna marry some dude who might be into me or I'm kinda sorta feelin', just so I can get married before I'm 50. When the right one comes along that will be the right time. The circumstances will tell me so; not some clock.
5.Master the Art of Patience
For whatever the reason, a lot of people think that patience only means to wait. Oh, but there is a definition that is far more trying than that! Another definition of patience is "the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like." (Don't get me started on how "love is patient" but so many folks are anything BUT patient in their relationships!)
In order for something to happen at the best time, a lot of puzzle pieces have to come together. Case in point. Have you ever tried to assemble a 1000+ piece puzzle before? Patient is exactly what you have to be!
Some of us miss out on things that have come at the right time because we're so busy complaining, losing our temper and being irritated that we don't see what is staring us right in the face. Trust me, some of the best opportunities don't come under the most ideal situations. But a person who practices the art of patience is calm and centered enough to recognize them when they come along anyway.
6.FORCE. NOTHING.
Using force to accomplish anything is a violation on some level. It's an act of abuse. One of my favorite definitions of abuse is "abnormal use" and to try and make something happen when it's not the right time is the abuse of timing.
No matter how smart, connected or even eager you are, you've got to accept that you don't have all of the answers. You're also not omnipresent, so you don't know all of what is transpiring, right at this very moment, that's ultimately gonna cause things to work out in your favor. Chill out and allow them to.
Giving a man an ultimatum to marry you is forcing timing (it can also set him up to be resentful and you to feel insecure). Threatening to quit the first time you're passed over is forcing timing (quit or stay but don't threaten). Starving yourself to shed a few pounds is forcing time (plus, it's super unhealthy).
To me, timing is a lot like an oven. I can have all of the right ingredients in a batch of cookies, but only a stove can actually bake them. And while it's doing that, all I can do is…wait. Not force; WAIT.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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How To Manifest The Life Of Your Dreams In 5 Steps - Read More
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images