#ASKDV: My Man Of 5 Years Hasn't Proposed Yet - Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
Love & Relationships

#ASKDV: My Man Of 5 Years Hasn't Proposed Yet - Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I've been in a 5.5 year relationship and my mate hasn't proposed yet. He says it's no rush and that it's always my timing. Should I break up because we aren't on the same page, or should I stay?

When a man is ready to commit, he will commit. It's probably the best piece of advice my mom could have ever given me as a woman. Did I listen right away? Of course not. Was she right? Absolutely. But like most women, I was convinced that I had what it took to make a man settle down.

I had the looks, I was educated, successful, and owned my own shit but no matter how great I thought I was, when a man wasn't ready to settle down, he just wasn't ready.

When I first read your question, I completely related to you.

Every woman wants a happily ever after and if you're a woman who doesn't, it is probably because you are in denial and masking your disappointments in love as a rejection to the idea of love itself. So trust me, I get it. Unfortunately, I have to agree with your boyfriend and say there is no rush. If your boyfriend isn't ready to be a husband, don't try to force him. When a man is ready to commit to marriage, he will prove it to you once he decides he wants to spend his life with you.

So many of my clients have chosen to give their men ultimatums and ultimatums rarely work, especially with a man because you cannot change anyone (including your man).

However, it is really important that you are very clear about what your expectations are and not waiver on them.

When I first started dating my husband, I was a single mother and I told him immediately that I was an all or nothing kind of chick and I meant it. Any decision your boyfriend makes out of desperation of losing you is likely only going to be temporary and when you sign up for marriage, you are signing up for "death til us part." When you pledge your life to someone for forever, just remember that forever is a really long time in comparison to the 5.5 years the two of you have been together.

The real lesson for you is to ask yourself, are you doing all of the things that you think a wife should be doing?

These things include but are not limited to the following:

Do You Live Together?

I have an unpopular opinion about cohabiting with your significant other before marriage so if you two are living together, I suggest you consider moving out. Your boyfriend doesn't get to enjoy the benefits of having a wife until he puts a ring on it and living together is one of those benefits.

Do You Perform Wife Duties?

There is no need to cook every meal for him, keep his house clean, do his laundry, take care of his business, tend to his mother's needs, and play stepmom to any children that he may already have. If he's asking you to do these things, consider renegotiating this mess you've gotten yourself into. Let him understand the difference between having a girlfriend versus having a wife. If you start to pull back, he will feel it and likely immediately step up.

Do You Share Expenses?

Once again, you should not be allowing any man to depend on you in any capacity until the day you say "I do" and even then, I have my thoughts. I once had a girlfriend who gave her man access to her bank account and one day, he took every penny from her and never looked back. Don't be that girl.

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, it's time for you to fall back and perhaps that includes falling back in love with yourself because sometimes we forget to love ourselves above anyone else and that includes the man you are in love with. I believe that we are all single until we are married and I do not care how long you have been in a committed relationship.

If you answered "no" to all of these questions, just be patient. Your time will come and rushing it will only put more stress on you and your partner.


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