What Exactly Does It Mean To Be A Free-Spirited Individual?
Is it just me or does it seem like, these days, folks are used to just throwing words and phrases out without really understanding what they mean? Take being a free spirit, for example. While some people may be spontaneous (at times), like to take risks or even be a lot of fun to be around, that doesn't automatically or necessarily make them a free spirit. In short, a free-spirited person is someone who's considered to be a nonconformist. And, even with that said, it goes a little bit deeper.
So, whether you feel that deep down you're a free spirit (and you want an article to confirm it) or you've got someone in your life who you sense may be one, I've got 10 signs that can definitely shed light on what being a free-spirited individual is truly all about.
1. You’re Fiercely Independent
My mother has told me, often, that beyond the standard "mama" and "dada", my first words as a baby were actually an abbreviated sentence — "I do myself, Mommy." She always follows that up with, "And you've basically been that way ever since." To a large extent, I wholeheartedly agree. Independence, for the most part, is about not depending on other people, especially when it comes to making a living. To me, this kind of person is cool on so many levels. Still, I will put the disclaimer out there that if you're so independent that you mentally, emotionally or literally live like you're an island in need of no relationships with anyone, that could result in some pretty lonely or limited living. Bottom line, when it comes to being an independent person, balance is key.
2. Peer Pressure Is Close to Irrelevant to You
Someone once said to me, "You don't care what anybody thinks." My response to that was, "I care. It's just that my list is extremely short." I promise you that I don't get what good comes from "following the crowd", just for following's sake. Humans are fickle. Humans are fallible. And oftentimes, they say and do things, just to fit in — not because those things are good or right. If you read all of that and felt like you were about to clap at your own phone or monitor, I'm sure you can get where I'm coming from here. Do free spirits have friends? Sure they do. Do they feel like they need a ton of 'em or that they must succumb to peer pressure in order to feel good about themselves? Usually not.
3. You’re Open to New Things
Wanna know someone who's tried a billion-and-one things before? Free spirits. That's because they tend to get bored pretty easily and don't like to stick to routines very much. Because of this, they tend to have lots of stamps on their passport, can recommend a ton of restaurants in their city and are considered to be pretty big risk takers overall. That's cool. The flipside is, because newness is so important to them, sometimes they're not the best when it comes to holding down a job or even a relationship for that matter. Sometimes the novelty of things (and people) is so important to them that they can't sit still for very long — which is usually more frustrating to the people around them than them. (Right, free spirits?)
4. You Do Not Live for Work
It actually wasn't until I sat down to write this article that I even knew there was such a thing as Workaholics Day (it's July 5). According to an article that I read concerning it, close to 50 percent of Americans consider themselves to be one. That's a damn shame. It's also pretty foreign when it comes to free spirits. When it comes to this particular point, an extreme version that comes to mind is Lynn from Girlfriends.
Free spirits are the polar opposite of workaholics. They typically hate the idea of being in an office setting. They often go the freelance or contract work route in order to avoid getting in a rut. And sometimes, because work is not something that is a huge priority to them, they don't have to be rolling in cash, they may not be the most financially stable on the planet and/or they may not have the most secure financial plans for the future.
The thing that free spirits have to keep in mind is there is a time for work and a time for play, no doubt. Still, there is a time to pay bills and a time to have an emergency fund for car repairs, hospital bills, etc. If you're a free spirit, you might've read all of that and said, "Eh. The universe will handle it." And yeah, that's just what I thought you would say (LOL).
5. You Know That Originals Are Incomparable (and You Are, Indeed, an Original)
All of us have moments when we need a bit of an ego boost (in the most humble way possible, of course). But when it comes to a free spirit, they don't typically struggle with self-esteem issues — at least as it relates to what other people think about them (which I already touched on). A big part of the reason why is because free spirits relish in their individuality. They totally get what being an original is all about. They like that there are things about them that are extremely unique. In fact, it's almost like they will go out of their way to do something that will make themselves stand out — a totally-out-of-the-box hair color, an oddly-placed tattoo or piercing, a fashion sense that is truly uncommon. And because they are incomparable, they don't typically struggle with envying others because others look and think nothing like them and they like that. Yeah, if "I don't give AF about what others are on" was a person, free spirits would definitely fit the bill.
6. You Move Like Water
When it comes to this trait of free spirits, a Bruce Lee quote immediately comes to mind. Perhaps you are familiar with it:
"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."
Because I was surrounded by control freaks while growing up and, subsequently, ended up having PTSD from it and then had to work on freeing myself from being a control freak myself (which I honestly have only semi-mastered in my 40s), it wasn't until I was in my mid-late 30s that this mindset of Bruce's became a priority to me. Another example of "flowing" is the first time I went to South Africa to visit my family. Because flying isn't my favorite thing on this planet, the turbulence, for all those hours, had a sistah tense. My brother said, "If you relax and move with the plane, it will be easier on your mind and your body." He was right.
Free spirits get, for the most part, that there is only so much that you can control. What you can't, you need to leave up to God (some would say the universe) and chill out. To those who aren't very flexible, the mere thought of being like water stresses them out and causes them to see free spirits as being nonchalant and even flippant. Free spirits don't care, though, because they are a lot more calm and serene due to feeling this way.
7. Long-Term Commitments Are a Bit of a Stretch in Your Mind
A couple of years ago, I checked out a video from a YouTube channel that I like called nappyheadedjojoba. I enjoyed it so much that it inspired an article for the platform entitled, "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?" because that's pretty much what nappyheadedjojoba said — relationships, cool. Marriage? Not so cool. You know, a couple of months ago, I was having a conversation with a married friend of mine about what she would do, relationally, if she were to ever get a divorce or her husband were to pass away. "Not get married again, I can promise you that," she said. While it might seem on the onset that she regrets getting married (if you personally do, check out "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?"), that's not what she meant. See, this person, in a lot of ways, is a bit of a free spirit herself and what marriage has revealed to her is she doesn't want to constantly answer to someone or even share all of the time. Actually, she reminds me of another never-been-married-before woman (who is close to her 70s at this point) who once said to me, "I'm too selfish to be married." She doesn't like the idea of accountability and sharing either.
While there does seem to be this odd misconception that just because some people don't desire marriage, they must not be interested in companionship — or are even capable of long-lasting intimacy — at all, free spirits totally get where long-term non-committals are coming from. It's not that free spirits are incapable of loving; they just don't like the paperwork, the high expectations and the constant day-to-day practices that are required in order to make marriage happen. So, they find other ways to connect. And they are just fine with that.
8. You Collect Memories, Not Objects
I don't know about y'all, but I don't personally know too many free-spirited individuals who are "gifts people" when it comes to love languages. In fact, I don't know too many free-spirited people who are big on money or tangible things at all. If anything, they are more into quality time (or maybe even physical touch) because they like the memories that come from spending time with people they enjoy being around. This means that if you've got a free spirit in your life, you don't have to worry about impressing them with expensive stuff. At the same time, they can still be a bit challenging to please — one, because they oftentimes have quirky taste and two, since memories (and nostalgia) are such a big deal to them, you've got to put real thought into what you plan on doing with them. While we're here, another thing to keep in mind is because they are so big on memories, they can sometimes be easy to disappoint. Plus, because this is the case, they aren't always the best at forgiving whenever you do.
9. Organized ANYTHING Kinda Freaks You Out
It's no secret that while Type A people tend to be far more organized, they also tend to be a lot more impatient and prone to being stressed out. Type B folks? C'mon. How much more "zen" can you get than a lot of them? That said, free spirits would definitely fall into the Type B category. While this can be cool on a lot of levels, because being Type B means that you are way more easy-going, there is something to be said for order. Organized people tend to pay bills on time. Organized people tend to manage their time well. Organized people tend to have a clean house and car — you get where I'm coming from. The thing that free spirits have to keep in mind when it comes to being organized is it's important to remember that you can be "free" and responsible too. In fact, when you are an adult, you absolutely should.
10. You Live Passionately
Probably my favorite thing about free-spirited folks is how passionate they are. This results in them being pretty positive people. This results in them knowing what it means to stay in the moment. This results in them enjoying (and taking) sex to new levels. This results in them feeling things fully and intensely. This results in them being excited about big things and simple pleasures. In a nutshell, free spirits like cultivating and experiencing pure, real and lasting joy. They believe that things should be felt deeply, that relationships should be profound, and life is meant to create powerful moments, as often as possible. This is a quality that makes free spirits a blessing — whether you are one or happen to know one. So, if this is the case, celebrate! They make life so much richer in their own special way. They really and truly do.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 5 Signs You're Experiencing A Spiritual Awakening - xoNecole ... ›
- 5 Signs You're Living Your Purpose - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Signs You're Trying To Prove Your Worth - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone - xoNecole ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images