I wouldn't be surprised in the least if some of y'all read the title to this and already got a little triggered (check out "Gaslighting, Love Bombing & 5 Other Triggers To Call Out In Your Relationships", if that is indeed the case). Out of all of the past relationship (and situationship) mistakes (or conscious redundant choices) that I've made—and trust me, there have been many—I would have to say that being so unaware of my worth, that I kept trying to prove my value, is right up there in the top three.
What changed me? I won't lie. Spending some time being single (and abstinent) definitely played a huge role. Sometimes, when you're always dealing with some dude, you can find yourself so caught up in their wants and needs that you find yourself tossing yours to the side. Another thing that helped was really letting the definition of the word "prove" sink into my soul and spirit. One is "to establish the truth or genuineness of, as by evidence or argument". Another is "to subject to a test, experiment, comparison, analysis, or the like, to determine quality, amount, acceptability, characteristics, etc.". While I do truly believe that there is something to be said for taking the time to "establish the truth and genuineness" and "test" someone's character, in a healthy dynamic, no one should be out here trying to prove their worth.
You being God's child, you being a woman, you being truly one of a kind and someone who can bring something to this world in a way that no one else ever has or ever will all play a role in you being of extreme value—with absolutely nothing to prove. It's a given. Please let that sink in.
Good men know this. But some guys out here, oftentimes because they don't love themselves enough, they look for women who act like they don't have a clue about what I just said. As a result, they will take advantage of the ignorance. That's why I'm totally down with quotes like, "Know your worth. Know the difference between what you're getting and what you deserve" (Unknown) and "Love yourself so much that when someone treats you wrong, you recognize it" (Rena Rose). They are reminders that while it isn't cool that some people don't treat others with the honor and respect that they should, that's karma's business. What we need to focus on is lifting our mind, body and spirit up enough that folks like that can't reach us even if they tried.
A great starting point is to check out the following six signs; ones that can help you to see if you've got a little more self-esteem work to do in this area when it comes to how you're (currently) rolling with the man in your life.
1. You’re Trying to Convince Him of What He Should Be Striving to Confirm
I've said in other articles that, upon a significant amount of self-reflection (and journaling), when it comes to most of the men that I've been with, there is a one-liner they each left behind that I still apply to my life to this day. When it comes to my fourth "baby daddy", something he once said that truly resonated was, "Shellie, your problem is that you treat compliments like they're revelations when they should actually be confirmations." Indeed…indeed. It took me YEARS (that is capitalized on purpose because I can't emphasize this point enough) before I realized—and then accepted—that a healthy relationship consists of two people who really and truly see each other. Once they do, it becomes natural for both parties to support their partner through their weaknesses while affirming and even celebrating their strengths. If you're with someone who you're doing both of these things for, but you feel as if you're constantly going out of your way to try and get them to do the same for you, that's low-key toxic.
When you're with your right man, you're not gonna have to try and make him take notice of your beauty, your accomplishments or your overall value. Matter of fact, he will oftentimes notice some bomb things about you that you never really thought about before. Why? Because he feels so blessed to have you in his life that he wants to praise your Creator and His creation as much as possible. He won't have to force it either; it will come naturally to him.
If all of what I just said sounds unrealistic or totally unrelatable, you already have the confirmation you need that you are with someone who doesn't see your worth. In my opinion that also means he doesn't really deserve you either; at least, not right now. But that's just me.
2. The More You Do, the Less He Does
I don't know what it is about a lot of us—and by us, I don't mean "women"; I mean, the human race—that makes us want to go above and beyond for people who tend to not do the same for us in return. It's like there is something within our very being that thinks if we give or love enough, it will miraculously make someone want to be all that we need. The real truth? It's a harsh reality so brace yourself. The truth is if they truly cared about us, it would actually bother them if we were doing more work than they were in the relationship. I know women who always pay for dates, who always come out of pocket to spend time with their men (especially if it's a long-distance relationship) and who even spend money they don't have to pay their man's bills, all the while justifying their actions as "loving someone", when really all they are doing is being used. I mean, who wouldn't turn down a free dinner and a movie, sex on the weekends when they don't have to come out of pocket, or assistance from a person who is willing to help out with their cell phone and cable expenses? Don't mistake someone taking what you're offering for someone truly caring about you as a person. The two are very different.
Money isn't everything. I am a firm believer of that. But if you are the only one putting forth the resources to make a relationship work or last, that's a really high price to pay. Whether you realize it or not, what you're saying is you're not worth someone using their own time, effort, energy and ends in order to spend time with you and get to know you better. You are actually paying someone to be with you. That doesn't prove your worth. That only proves that you're being totally taken for granted (ouch). Oh, and that you're allowing it to happen (bigger ouch).
3. You Find Yourself Compromising Morals, Standards and Principles to Keep Him
If you want to wait until marriage to have sex, you should. If you want to date in order to be courted (you can read more about the differences between the two here), you should. If you want to be with someone who is academically, professionally or financially "on your level", you should. These are just three examples off the top of my head, but I'm pretty sure you can tell where I am going with this. One of the reasons why it's so important to embrace a season of singleness before getting into anything "deep" with someone is so you can get clear about who you are and what you want—not just in a relationship but out of life, in general (check out "10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'" and "10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single"). That way, it will be so much easier to spot who will be a good complement for you and your world.
If you don't make doing this a priority, well…let's just say that there are a lot of men and women out here who, since they have no clue who they are and what they truly desire (let alone what they truly deserve), find themselves doing whatever someone else wants in order to keep that person happy; even if that requires them compromising the core of who they are to the point of suffering or even degrading themselves. Nothing about that is healthy, right or beneficial. Absolutely nothing.
4. You Tend to Focus More on What He Brings to Your Life Than What You Bring to His
There is a consistent theme that transpires, whenever I try to get someone to see that they are in a relationship that is toxic or, at least one that is causing them to settle (which, if they stick around long enough, it tends to become one and the same). Whenever I ask them what's good about their dynamic, they go on and on about all of what the individual they are so caught up in brings into their life. Once I listen to them provide about 10 things, I typically interrupt and ask, "So, how do you benefit theirs?" When I tell you that oftentimes they are completely stumped, it's almost tragic. It's like they are sooooo grateful to be with somebody that they haven't even taken out the time to process that the feeling should be 100 percent mutual. This should so much be the case that they should be able to immediately rattle off a dozen ways they are a blessing because the person they are with makes sure that they know it.
Be careful, sis. If you are only focused on how some guy is making you feel or adding to your life that you don't notice what you're doing for him (or you can't recall him bringing how you bless him to your attention), you could find yourself feeling so indebted that you'll tolerate all kinds of BS. And if he's not worthy of you, he'll let you do it.
5. It’s Been For-e-ver Yet It Seems Like Nothing’s Happening
Several months back, I wrote an article about how long a couple should date before getting married (if marriage is what they ultimately desire to do). According to the experts, it should be no longer than around two years or so. While this conclusion may not be an exact "science" (after all, every couple is different), what shouldn't be up for debate is the undeniable fact that stagnation is a sign of true dysfunction in a relationship. You know what else is? Being the only one who is putting forth the effort to move a relationship forward. Humans are designed to live progressively, in every area of their life. That's why, if you are with someone who is beyond comfortable—to the point of pretty much being complacent—with things not really going anywhere while you keep trying to persuade them that they should, this is another telling sign that you are striving to prove your worth.
I know a lot of different men who have all sorts of goals and aspirations. One thing that every single one has in common is, what they want, they are willing to work their asses off to get and to keep. I'm not sharing this so that you'll play mind games and heart trips on a brotha. I'm saying this to simply remind you that when a man sees value in something or someone, when he truly wants it or them to be a part of his life, he's going to figure out how to make it happen. If he's not doing much at all, well, you know what they say—"Indecision is decision."
6. You Are Liking (and Loving) Yourself Less and Less
Let's end here. A very telling—and extremely underrated—way to know if you're in a good thing with someone else is how you feel about yourself while you're in the relationship. Push past the butterflies you might experience whenever you're with them or even how good the sex may be. Instead, focus on your entire sense of being. Does that person make you feel more capable and confident? Have you found yourself taking more life chances and risks? Have you accomplished more as an individual? Are you emotionally maturing and spiritually evolving? Also, can you honestly say that if the relationship ended today, while it might hurt, you know that all of the growth that has transpired will remain because the experience has made you a better person overall? If you can nod your head "yes", I say "kudos" and "bravo" to you.
But if you actually feel like you've lost a sense of who you are, that you are unhappy—or at least, uncomfortable—more than you are delighted and at peace, but you keep talking yourself into staying anyway, I have to ask you if you are not only trying to prove your worth to ole' boy, but to yourself too.
I don't care if it's a man, a friendship or even a job—if it's good for you, it's going to make you feel good about you. If that's not what's going on, what you're in is way too expensive because it is costing you way too much. Let it go, sis. Let it go…so that you can spend time discovering what you deserve…so that next time, you won't put yourself in the position of having to prove a damn thing.
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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I remember calling my grandmother, who has since transitioned, and hearing the passion in her voice when she explained how she’d never thought she’d see something like this happen and how much it meant to her. As I reflect, I realize it’s a combination of memories like this that undoubtedly encouraged my will to vote.
However, as an adult, my reasoning behind the practice has developed. It’s no longer just about “the right thing to do.” I feel a responsibility to myself and my future to know the issues, how they impact me, and make a difference for others.
In the times we’re in, there's so much “news” everywhere. It’s hard to distinguish fact from opinion and bias from beliefs. This is why it was such a pleasure speaking with Jara Butler, Chief Impact Officer of Supermajority. Supermajority is an organization focused on making women the most powerful voting bloc in the country. During this authentic and informal conversation, we talked about so much.
I learned about her time working with the Obama campaign and how she masterfully worked in multiple industries, and we shared some of our favorite female rap moments. However, in the snapshot you’ll read, we focused on the issues. Jara walked xoNecole through what’s most affecting women of color in this election and what we can do to be more aware. Whether you’re a politics girlie or like me, just trying to gain more insight, hopefully this convo connects with you.
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xoNecole: Let’s just jump right in. What are some of the most popular issues that you hear Black women discussing related to this election?
Jara Butler: Our sister organization, the Supermajority Education Fund, recently did some research specifically looking at young women in the age group 18 to 35, and young Black women identified their economic well-being as a priority. Right now, we're in a place where a lot of us, especially young Black women, are finding that meeting those basic needs are harder and harder.
Secondly, is Project 2025. I think Black women see it as not just something that could happen, but actively happening. For example, we’ve all been watching the case with the Fearless fund, and how it's been targeted. We know Black women are very entrepreneurial. We can go back to Madam C.J. Walker and others who have opened the door for all of us to achieve. But if those barriers are in place, we're just not going to be able to meet that.
Lastly, Repro is a very big issue. But I think looking at it holistically and not just about abortion is important. Black women are more likely to talk about this from a perspective of our reproductive health care and the lack of access due to medical racism. As a Black woman myself, who's over 40, a lot of the changes that I am making in my life are because I have to do everything I can to put myself in a position, because I know no matter what my economic status is, if I walk into a medical office, there's a good chance I'm gonna face medical discrimination. Breast cancer screenings, colon cancer screening, ovarian cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings - all of those are part of that network of reproductive health.
xoN: Another issue I’d love your insight into is our missing girls. I think it's so unbelievable how much this is swept under the rug. There are so many stories about Black women that are continuing to go missing; I don’t understand how that’s not a bigger conversation. Is this something that can be pursued on the government level and what can we do to bring more attention to this issue?
Jara: We have this list of majority rules on our website, and my favorite one is: that our government represents us. I think that we have to continue to apply pressure to our government to meet our needs. And again, women are the majority of voters. Black women, especially, are the most reliable voting bloc across all groups, and our interests right now are not being met. So yes, there is something that we can do, but I also am a big proponent of us having these conversations.
My great-grandmother was enslaved, my grandmother was born into Jim Crow, and I watched my mother face economic insecurity. I say that because, as a Black community, we have to have an internal conversation to talk about these issues, and we have to do it upfront. I think we have to get into a position of realizing that we do have power, and how we activate that power.
Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater. And finally, we have to get away from depending on one individual to take us there. It's gonna take all of us.
"Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater."
xoN: I agree completely. Now, when we started, you mentioned money. So let’s talk about it. So many of us are starting businesses and getting degrees, and I love to see it. But everyone seems to still be having a lot of the same issues around finances. What are some of the underlying reasons behind this debt that we're dealing with, and how can voting influence these challenges without getting into the individual candidates?
Jara: Hello! Let’s talk about the money! Black women have been told that if we want to move ahead, we have to have that master's degree. We have to be twice as good. So we met that measure, right? But in order to do that, we have to pay for it. Up until about the 1970s college was absolutely affordable. You could work one job and pay for college with some money left over. That has changed.
Realistically, student loans are a barrier. They are a barrier to access housing. They impact our credit, and really and truthfully, depending on how much your loans are, they could affect you paying rent. It basically creates a cycle of debt. And I have real problems with people who say, get a degree in something that's going to make money. It’s about your skills, and if you have the skills, you should be able to earn a living. That covers that.
But the fact is that student loan debt continues to increase, and there have been attempts, more than once, to try to relieve some of that pressure. The reality is that this is a squeeze. It is a conundrum, and we see efforts by the current White House administration to try to alleviate those things, even when they are stopped.
But truly, Congress needs to step in and support this, but I would take it a step further. We should be considering and looking at what it would look like if we had free community colleges. Because what we have now is two generations of borrowers, because older millennials’ children are beginning to age. Black women have the highest degree of second-degree secondary education, but we carry like 1.7 trillion in debt or something like that. I can't remember the exact number, but basically, the majority of the student loan debt is ours.
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xoN: Speaking of college, obviously there’s a lot of discussion around affirmative action in the schools and the undergoing changes. How important is it to consider this topic, and are there any new laws or policies being proposed around this that we should be aware of?
Jara: Oh my goodness, affirmative action is one of the things that we saw that our sister site, the Supermajority Education Fund, found last year as a number two issue for young women. I actually hypothesized that it was a real thing, and it was. And the reason for that is that affirmative action as a whole has been something that benefited white women more than any other group.
However, what is happening is that we’re using the word DEI in a way that is derogatory. I’ve heard people refer to it as: “didn't even earn it.” And as a Black woman who attended an amazing school, I remember being in class and having someone make that comment, knowing my grades were higher than theirs.
The fact of the matter is that we would not need these policies if we lived in an equal and equitable society. It doesn't do us any harm for us to face the facts that this country was built off the backs of enslaved people and the blood of indigenous people, and off the sweat and the tears of immigrants. But because we are unwilling to face that, we now are demonizing programs that are actually meant to create some symbol of balance.
xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this, what can we do to provide information to young people, and how do we combat all of the less than researched info?
Jara: One thing I encourage is to look at the source. At Supermajority, our social channels are information-based. We strive to provide up-to-date accurate information that is digestible to all. Media literacy is something I believe in, and unfortunately, it is something that we have a responsibility to continue to share with the community at large. So much of our world is centered on immediate info, a lie spreads faster than the truth.
We just saw that with the Olympic women's boxers, and we have to ask ourselves often: is this information accurate? Who is telling the story? Most importantly, how am I an original contributor? Not everything said needs to be shared, and not every thought needs to be public.
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