

It's funny, the things you end up doing that totally mimic your childhood. For instance, right beside me, as I am typing this, there is a big wicker basket that has quite a few books in it. When I was a child, there was something similar in the living room. A book that I always remember being in the pile wasCodependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. I also recalled my mother referring to herself, quite often in fact, as being a "codependent in recovery". It's interesting that, even with all of the information that she had on the subject, as a daughter of an alcoholic and mother who, well, was married to one, codependency was something that my mother constantly struggled with—and I think still struggles with. And, because I am the daughter of a codependent, some of the residue of her internal warfare rubbed off on me, although I was well into my thirties before I recognized it.
As women, it is certainly in our nature to be profound and next level nurturers. But when that capability is tainted with childhood trauma (check out "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child", "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members"), not loving ourselves, never knowing how—and why—to say "no" sometimes, trying to control other people's lives and/or being low-key ego maniacs who think that we know what's better for other people than they do, that can turn us from being blessings to becoming burdens to others and, to ourselves, exhausted, confused and even bitter and resentful as the direct result of always trying to fix everything and everyone.
I know of what I speak because I've been there. More than once. What got me out of being a self-proclaimed Ms. Fix It was 1) asking the five questions that I encourage you to ask yourself and 2) recognizing that a healthy well-being requires a ton of self-awareness, spiritual healing and balance. Pretty much in that order.
Are you ready to stop being Ms. Fix It in your own world? It's my prayer that everything down below can help to get you there.
Ask Yourself, “Am I Codependent?”
I say it often because, for better or worse, the statement applies. For oh so many of us, adulthood is definitely about surviving childhood. One way that a lot of us were affected is growing up in a household where abuse, especially emotional abuse, ran rampant.
Because children are so precious and innocent, we naturally want to please those who are taking care of us. But when they are unhealthy, it teaches us 1) how to take blame for stuff that isn't our fault or our responsibility and 2) to try and make unhappy people happy. And yes, that can start us on the path of being a codependent person which is basically someone who overcompensates in their relationships in order to feel good and worthy.
And that? That is why a lot of adults also end up in codependent relationships and marriages. So, what are the signs that you could possibly be a codependent individual?
- Are you drawn to addicts (of any kind)?
- Do you do things for others that they should be doing for yourself? Hell, do you even know how to determine what those things are?
- Are you consumed with other people's stuff and issues?
- Do you feel responsible for other people's words, actions and choices?
- Do you always make sure that other people's needs are met at the expense of your own?
- Do you minimize how you feel yet resent others for not acknowledging your feelings?
If so, these are some classic signs of being a codependent. Not only that but our fix-it-nature is more about having a low sense of self-worth than actually wanting to help others. It's more about feeling like you won't be loved, appreciated or accepted unless you go out of your way or bend over backwards for someone else. The crazy thing is that, while you're in this head space, while others may be getting their needs and wants met, because you are more invested in their life than your own, your own life will be in shambles. Or worse, you might end up attracting another codependent who will try and…well, fix you.
First Step Solution: If you saw yourself in any of this, first, forgive yourself for not knowing the cycle that you've been in. Then gear up to set up some much-needed boundaries (not walls, boundaries). Articles like "The Relationships In Your Life That Are Desperately In Need Of Boundaries" and books likeSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't (and if you are married,Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships) can help to bring clarity as to why you choose to see people as projects, how to better guard your heart and to strengthen your boundaries so that you can stop being codependent with other individuals.
Then Ask Yourself, “Am I Actually HELPING or Am I ENABLING?”
A lot of things in life have fine lines; especially when we're first learning the differences in them. A great example of this is helping vs. enabling. I have a friend who has a grown daughter who has been taking advantage of her for years. Her daughter is in her thirties at this point but still acts like a 19-year-old as her mom takes care of things that are totally her daughter's responsibility. Whenever my friend and I discuss it, she's always talking about the difference between her daughter's actual age and maturity level. But what seems to continually be my friend's blind spot is her not wanting to accept that her still treating her daughter like she's a teenager is a part of what's preventing her daughter from actually growing up. My friend thinks she is helping her grown child; actually, what she's doing is enabling her.
Good help? That is when it is actually benefiting someone and helping them to grow, evolve and progress as an individual. Enabling someone is all about ignoring toxic patterns, financially compensating for their bad decisions, constantly making excuses for destructive (or counterproductive) behavior and taking on someone else's responsibilities. If you are out here doing more of the latter than the former, you're not fixing anything. You're simply being used and drained of your resources as you play a significant role in keeping someone stagnant.
First Step Solution: Before you agree to do anything for someone, step back and contemplate if you are actually going to help them by doing so. An article that I once read on helping vs. enabling broke the differences down this way—helping is doing something for someone that they are unable to do on their own. Enabling is doing something for someone who is capable of doing it themselves. Knowing the difference makes all the difference. A woman by the name of Darlene Lancer once said, "Allowing others to suffer the consequences of their own actions, without enabling them, is the best motivation for them to undertake the difficult task of change." There is a lot of truth in that. Plenty, in fact.
Also Ask Yourself, “Am I Afraid That ‘No’ Comes with Consequences?”
Ain't it a trip how, a lot of the people who we are afraid to say "no" to, they typically have absolutely no problem saying "no" to us? It could be because they have good boundaries. It also could be because they are self-centered as hell. Either way, the point still stands.
For a lot of us who are constantly trying to fix everything and everyone, sometimes the motive is rooted in fear; fear that if we don't do what's expected of us, we will be rejected or someone won't like or love us anymore. Or, for the super codependents out there, scared that they will no longer be needed. First of all, anyone who is only in your life for what you can do for them, they don't belong there. Second, healthy and mature people get that making a request does not automatically garner the response that they want to hear. In other words, they are fully aware of the fact that, just because they asked for something, that doesn't mean they will—or should—get it. And third, again, balance is important. "No" is a complete sentence (as author Anne Lamott once said), but it's not a full response to an entire relationship. What I mean by that is, don't assume that just because you say "no" to something that others can't handle it. The right ones for you will be fine. The wrong ones? Well, it's time for them to do some shifting in your world, anyway. How they handled your "no" proves it.
First Step Solution: Practice saying "no" to anything that you aren't ready or prepared to do, doesn't seem beneficial, or you know that you are only doing out of fear. Only offer explanations for your "no" if you want to (not if others push you because that only means that they feel like you need to justify your boundary when you absolutely do not). Then see how people respond or react. If they cop an attitude, try and make you feel guilty, or start to distance themselves from you, then you know where you stand. If, overall, they are cool about it and don't try and manipulate you to do something else, those are your "safe" people. Those are the ones you can feel good about saying "yes" to in the future.
Then Ask Yourself, “Is This Coming At the Cost of More Pressing Priorities?”
Remember how I said that balance is so important when it comes to assisting others? Something that I have a spiritual gift (if you've never taken a spiritual gifts test before, you can take one here) for is giving. I've always been a big giver. But, for years, because I had childhood emotional abuse wounds, my self-esteem was low and I didn't know how to give responsibly, I would find myself putting other people's needs before my very own. I mean, literally doing things like paying people's rent before I paid mine, giving money I didn't really have and making sacrifices that put my own sense of peace in jeopardy. Listen, I'll be the first one to say that sometimes relationships are inconvenient; I wrote an entire article about it. But your first responsibility is yourself. If you are constantly on the bottom of your own priority list because you are always so busy making sure everyone else is good, short of your own children, that's not commendable; that's actually pretty dysfunctional. Besides, if you're anything like I was, you'll realize that a lot of what you were taking care of were people's wants while you were abandoning your own needs. Not only that, but many of the very people whose lives you were "fixing", somehow, they were unavailable when you needed them to return the favor. SMDH.
First Step Solution: Read articles on our site like "4 Ways To Make Yourself Your Number One Priority", "6 Ways To Start Making YOU Your Top Priority" and "OlanikeeOsi Is The Bold, Fearless & Totally Unapologetic CEO Of The SelfishBabe App" can help to get you on the path of reprogramming your brain to understand that prioritizing yourself isn't a bad thing. A priority is simply putting things in their proper order and rank and, the reality is that if you don't take care of yourself, if you don't work on what you need to get "fixed" within yourself—you'll only be doing others a disservice in the long run because you'll be "serving them" from a fractionated space. Bills, sleep, health and well-being, self-care, time alone to recalibrate—all of these are things that you must prioritize on top of just about anything else. When you do, you can give from a good space rather than a broken or depleted one.
Finally, If You’re Spiritual, Also Ask Yourself, “Am I Trying to Do God’s Job?”
A lot of people are walking around here with god complexes, whether they realize it or not. Something that Christian speaker Joyce Meyer calls it is putting yourself in the role of "Holy Ghost Jr." (when no one really asked you to). That's a pretty relevant way to look at it since the Bible describes the Holy Spirit as being the Divine Helper (John 14:26—NKJV).
OK, but surely, you're not out here thinking that you know as much as God does about what someone else needs…right?
I remember back when I called myself being all in love with a guy who I know God was sending me signs to leave totally alone. Every time, as I was praying, when I would be like, "But he's so 'this and that'", I would hear a voice in my head respond with, "You do know I live with him, right? I know stuff you have no you clue about. I've known him since before he was born." (Which is also biblical—Psalm 139:13) The same thing goes for whoever it is that you're trying to "fix" or "save". If you don't have peace in your prayer and meditation time about whatever it is that you are about to say or do, it very well could be God sending up a smoke signal, alerting you to the fact that, while, with your very limited knowledge, you think you are about to do a good thing, you could actually be in the way of 1) God wanting someone else to do "it", 2) God needing you to focus on other matters at hand and/or 3) God wanting them to learn a lesson that your "fixing" is only going to hinder or prolong. If you're always trying to "play God", you are a stumbling block to the Lord actually being God in someone else's life. Help as spiritually led. Be intentional about keeping your own ego or even personal perspective out of the way.
First Step Solution: If you know that you are out here trying to "be God" far more than you should, a great Scripture to keep in mind is, "For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him." (Matthew 6:8—NKJV) Rather than you always taking it upon yourself to fix someone's situation or life in general, pray about what you should do—if anything at all. Our conscience is a powerful thing. If we're supposed to get involved, it will let us know. Other than that, sometimes praying or lending an ear or shoulder is really all that we need to do.
Ms. Fix It. It's the title that a lot of women struggle with. But I pray that this has helped you to see if it applies to you and how to break free. Because remember, we as humans are called to help and support, but that doesn't mean that we are to fix everything. Let yourself off of the hook, OK. It's time.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser & Start Doing You
Should You Really Not Care About What Other People Think?
The Art Of Saying "No" To Things You Don't Want To Do
How I Handled Four Relationships That Totally Took Me For Granted
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Patricia "Ms. Pat" Williams has always marched to the beat of her own brutally honest drum — and that’s exactly what makes her so magnetic to watch. Whether she’s making us laugh until we cry on The Ms. Pat Show or now laying down the law on her courtroom series Ms. Pat Settles It, the comedian-turned-judge proves time and again that there’s nobody quite like her. Unfiltered, hilarious, and real to the core, she’s made a name for herself by turning her life’s journey — including the pain — into purpose.
Now in her second season of Ms. Pat Settles It, airing on BET and BET+, she’s not only delivering verdicts — she’s dishing out life lessons in between the laughs. The show feels less like your typical courtroom drama and more like your outspoken auntie running a court session at the family cookout, complete with celebrity jurors, petty disputes, and a whole lot of real talk. xoNecole sat down with Ms. Pat to talk about her wildest cases, balancing motherhood and fame, and why sleeping in separate bedrooms might just be the key to joy.
CASE CLOSED, BUT MAKE IT CHAOS
If you’ve ever tuned in to Ms. Pat Settles It, you already know the episode titles alone deserve awards. But when we asked Ms. Pat which case stood out most, she didn’t even have to think twice. “There was this one woman — Shay — who got out of federal prison and was working for her old bunkmate. But the bunkmate didn’t want to pay her!” she says, chuckling. “That girl came in the courtroom like a firecracker.”
It’s moments like those that remind viewers Ms. Pat isn’t just bringing the laughs — she’s giving people a platform, even if it’s a little messy. And if her court ever gets turned into a real-life franchise, we need Shay on the promo posters immediately.
WHEN THE CELEBS SHOW OUT
It’s already hard enough to get a word in with Ms. Pat running the show, but throw in a celebrity jury featuring Tamar Braxton, Ray J, TS Madison, and Karlous Miller? Whew. “I don’t even try to control them,” she laughs. “Thank God we have something called editing.” According to her, behind the scenes, things get wild — but that chaos is part of the magic. “People only see the cut-down version. What you don’t see is all of us losing it in real time.”
Still, Ms. Pat makes it work. The courtroom becomes a stage, but also a safe space for guests and jurors to show up as their full, unfiltered selves. “It was a wild season,” she explains. Let’s be honest — if your jury looks like a BET Awards afterparty, you might as well let it rock.
IF FAMILY COURT WAS REALLY A THING
Ms. Pat might wear the robe on screen, but at home, she’s still managing her own wild bunch. When asked what kind of case her kids would bring into her courtroom, she burst into laughter. “Oh, they’d be suing my oldest son for eating their food,” she says. “You know how you have that one roommate that eats up everybody’s food? I can see my oldest son getting sued for that..”
And let’s face it, we’ve all either been that sibling or have one. Ms. Pat says moments like that — the everyday family squabbles and real-life irritations — are what make her courtroom show so relatable.
THE VERDICT SHE WISHES SHE COULD REWRITE
Ms. Pat is known for keeping it real, even when the conversation turns serious. When asked if there was one “verdict” in her real life she’d change, she pauses for a second before answering. “I wish I had graduated high school,” she admits. “All my kids went to prom and I took all of their high school diplomas.”
“I wish I had graduated high school,” she admits. “All my kids went to prom and I took all of their high school diplomas.”
It’s a rite of passage in most Black households — your diploma doesn’t really belong to you, it lives at your mama or grandma’s house like a family heirloom.
HOW SHE STAYS GROUNDED
Between filming TV shows, headlining comedy tours, and running a household, Ms. Pat makes it very clear: she will find time to rest. “People swear I don’t sleep, but I do — I just knock out early and wake up early,” she shares. “And sometimes, I’ll just sit in my car.” She’s also a big fan of solo naps and mini getaways when things get overwhelming.
But one of her favorite forms of self-care? Separate bedrooms. “Me and my husband don’t sleep in the same room. That way, when I don’t feel like being bothered, I go to my space,” she laughs. She’s also found a new love for facials. “They’re addicting! I don’t need a lot — just sleep, a facial, and a little quiet.” Honestly? That’s a self-care routine we can get behind.
FROM PAIN TO PURPOSE
Ms. Pat’s story is one that’s deeply rooted in resilience — and she’s always been transparent about how her journey shaped her. Her advice to other Black women trying to turn their pain into purpose? Speak up. “You have to tell your story,” she says. “Because once you tell your story, you realize you’re not the only person that’s been through that situation.”
She adds that sharing your truth can be one of the most powerful things you do. “When you give a voice to pain so many other people who have that pain gravitate to you,” she says. “To heal, you have to speak out loud about it. What you keep inside is what eats you up.” Coming from someone who built an entire brand on truth-telling? We believe her.
WHAT’S NEXT FOR MS. PAT?
While Ms. Pat’s got her hands full with Ms. Pat Settles It and her comedy show, she hints there’s much more to come. “I got some stuff poppin’ that I can’t even talk about yet,” she teases. “But just know, like Kendrick [Lamar] said, we about to step out and show ‘em something.” That multi-genre deal with BET and Paramount is clearly working in her favor — and she’s not slowing down anytime soon.
She says one of her proudest moments in this chapter of her career is seeing things she once dreamed of finally come to life. “In this business, you never know what’s gonna work or what’s gonna stick. But now I’m working with a network that really understands me — and that’s special,” she says. “I feel seen. And I’m just getting started.”
Whether she’s in the courtroom cracking jokes or catching up on rest in her own sanctuary, Ms. Pat is living proof that success doesn’t have to come at the cost of authenticity. She’s rewriting the rules in real time — on her terms, in her voice, and for her people. As she continues to turn pain into purpose, laughter into legacy, and everyday mess into must-see TV, one thing’s clear: Ms. Pat is in her prime. And we’re lucky enough to watch it unfold.
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