While sitting down to watch the second episode of this season's grown-ish (congrats on the fourth season pick-up, y'all; that's dope!), the topic for today most definitely crossed my mind. As far as the episode went, long story short, after everyone returned from their summer vacation, one person, in particular, had a big surprise—Nomi is pregnant. If you're an avid watcher of the show, you know that little bit of news threw a lot of people off for, well, a few reasons. But what really stood out to me was the dynamic of Zoey and Nomi once the news was out of the bag.
In some ways, Zoey gives me old-school Carrie Bradshaw vibes—smart, fashionable, semi-private…also semi-neurotic, self-consumed and a little harsh when it comes to the delivery of her opinion that sometimes is "the truth" and sometimes is simply "her truth" (that last one, I used to be a lot like that; that's how I can detect it in others). Still, Zoey is pretty loyal and dependable, so that's what makes her friends tolerate the fact that she can be a little rough around the edges on the supportive front.
Anyway, when Zoey found out that Nomi had told Zoey's ex, Luca about being pregnant weeks before revealing the same news to Zoey—shocker of all shockers—Zoey made it be about her. Why didn't she find out first? When Nomi—along with the rest of Zoey's friends—shared that it was partly because Zoey can lean towards the judgmental side when it comes to receiving information, an honest dialogue occurred. While, on one hand, Zoey had to face the fact that sometimes she isn't always the softest place to land, Zoey also gave some relevant push back that sometimes, at least hard reality checks, are what those who claim to care about us need to receive. Otherwise, we'll be out here whilin' in these streets.
As I thought about how difficult it can be to find the balance between not being "judgy" and yes, being honest with others, I thought this would be a good a time as any to explore the question that seems to have ever-changing answers—should we really care what others think when it comes to what they think about us? My short answer is "yes". But there are a couple of points to follow that.
Why We Should Care About What Others Think
I've got a pretty strong personality; there's no getting around that. So, ever since like high school, on occasion, I've heard people say, "Shellie doesn't care about what anyone thinks." My response to that has never changed—"Yes, I do. It's just that my list is pretty short." To me, I think that it's pretty dangerous to be out here not giving a damn about what others see about me that I may not. However, what I've learned to do is care when it comes to those who actually care about me. Do I care about what trolls in cyberspace think? No. Do I care about what envious, opportunistic, sometimey or shady people think? Uh-uh. Do I care about what individuals who have plenty of time to critique but no time to actually invest in my life have to say? Not really. Because again, those types of folks show absolutely no evidence that they care about my ultimate health and well-being, my needs or my feelings. They're just…yappin'.
But the ones who have proven through their words and actions that they actually do love me and have my best interest at heart? Yeah, I care what they think. Praise God that I do too because I've avoided some real foolishness by paying attention to their "Shellie, what the hell?!" responses to certain things.
There are men that I've not gotten involved with because I cared what others think. There are firm boundaries that I've drawn with certain people in my world because I cared what others think. There are character flaws that I've been able to correct because I cared what others think. In many ways, caring what others think has saved my life (and definitely improved the quality of it).
Meanwhile, not caring what others think? I'll just put it this way—your current president doesn't give a damn what others think. Look at where that has gotten him and, in many ways, our country. Yeah, I'm not impressed, not in the least, by people who proudly (emphasis on "proud") proclaim that they couldn't care less what others think. To me, all that sounds like is a ton of arrogance which is usually nothing more than masked insecurity. No man is an island. All of us need folks around us who can provide an "outside in" perspective on our lives; folks who can oftentimes detect the blind spots that we would never notice without their presence. To not care what anyone thinks is a pretty reckless approach to matters. Rarely does it ever work in your favor to always be of that mindset. Now, that doesn't mean that others and their thoughts should trump, silence or compromise your own. Here's what I mean by that.
How We Should Care About What Others Think
While recently binge-watching the final season of Ballers recently, I jotted down something that Dwayne Johnson's character Spencer Strasmore said in, what I believe was the last episode—"You'll always care what your family and friends think. But, at the end of the day, you've only got yourself and the f—ks you choose to give. Everything else is someone else's problem." If you watched the entire series, you know that Spencer probably could've stood to listen to others a lot more often than he did. At the same time, though, I doubt that he would've shook up the NFL in the way that he did if he always followed how things were always done or if he surrendered to the status quo.
Yes, that's fiction but in real life, I can totally relate. When I was writing my first book, some of my closest family members refused to speak to me for months. When I made my exit out of official church membership, other church folks warned me of how "lost" I would end up. When I decided to tour with a ministry that gets people out of porn addiction, when I made the decision to become a marriage life coach (without ever being married), when I shared with others that I would devote a lot of my life towards telling a lot of my business in order to heal myself and help others, I can't tell you how many times people looked at me like I was crazy or tried to talk me out of it. These are the times when I didn't care what anyone thought because what I realized is that they were trying to project onto me what they would do in those situations. But they are not me and I am not them.
See, the key to learning how and when you should care about what others think about your life is to first determine what your life is all about. What is your purpose? What is your mission? What are your values? Shoot, what even is your personality, needs, desires, and perspective? Some of my friends, they don't "get" how I approach life because they are much more private than I am. So, whenever I speak openly about my past four abortions or my vast views on sex, they cringe; not because what I am doing is "wrong" but because it's something that they definitely wouldn't do.
And that's the thing we all have to be careful about—are we sharing our thoughts about someone else's world and approach to it with the intention of sparing them unnecessary hurt, harm, and/or drama, or are we simply trying to get them to say and do things based on what we would say…or do? The first is actually caring about them; the second is all about ego.
And that would be my advice when it comes to navigating how to care about what others think about you. First, make sure you are self-aware enough to be clear on who you are. Next, make sure you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the people you are about to listen to truly do care about you. Then, actually listen to what they have to say. I'll say this from personal experience—if it confirms something in your spirit or irks you to no end, those are the two things that you need to process the most. Being told what you need to hear doesn't always feel good and when you are "rubbed the wrong way" by someone you care about, oftentimes that means they've hit a nerve that you need to get to the root of before simply dismissing it. This brings me to my final point.
Can We Finally Start Using “Judgmental” Properly, Please?
Recently, I watched a segment of Claudia Jordan's talk show. On this particular episode actor Christian Keyes was on it. A part of what they discussed was how he reacted when a guy DM'ed him and he publicly responded. As they were breaking down the backlash that transpired as some people perceived him as being homophobic, I thought that two great points came out. One, what a lot of people may not know is, a part of what ticked Christian off was the guy propositioned Keyes and his son for a threesome (what in the world?!), so yes, Christian was pissed and rightfully so. Something like that wasn't about him being homophobic or judgmental; it's not something that he needed to apologize for. The come-on was totally inappropriate, plus he was protecting his child. Another point that I believe Claudia made is there is a difference between someone wanting equal rights and someone wanting superior ones. Right again. If you want to be treated fairly, if you want someone to respect your right to choose how you want to live your life, it's important that you extend those same courtesies to others. They don't have to agree with you all of the time. You don't have to agree with them all of the time either. To believe otherwise is a form of bullying, period.
Man, if I were in a beauty pageant right now and was asked what I'd like to see change in the world, I just might say "hyper-sensitivity". Just because we may be told something that we don't want to hear, just because someone might challenge us, just because harsh truths might be presented to us that make us uncomfortable or cause us to take some long looks at ourselves, that doesn't automatically mean that someone is being "judgmental" (which actually means things like "discretion" and "good sense", by the way). It doesn't mean that someone is hating on you or trying to run your life. Listen, if all that any of us can receive are accolades and applause, yet the moment someone says something that is contrary to that, we shut down or snap, we're all in trouble. Besides, all opinions are judgment calls. If I tell you that you're cute, I just judged you. Why didn't you tell me to stop being so "judgmental" then?
If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, us saying that we don't want to be "judged" actually means that we don't ever want to be corrected. In thinking that way, though, how do we ever grow? No one is saying that you have to receive any and everything that someone says to you. What I am encouraging you to do, however, is find balance.
The compliments that I receive feel good. The "Shellie, you might want to think about that" conversations, from the people who care about me, those are what aid in my continual evolution. It's not about someone being judgmental; it's about them being thoughtful.
Judgment is done in a spirit of apathy. Correction is done in a spirit of love.
So, when it comes to the age-old question of whether or not we should care what people think, again, my answer is "yes". Just make sure you know who you are, you're at peace with yourself (you tend to handle information best in a state of internal peace), and that the people thinking about and speaking into your life actually do care about you. When these three things are working together, "caring" can actually work in your favor. I'm speaking from personal experience when I say that. Yes, I deeply care what certain people in my life think. And praise the Lord for that.
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- Care What Other People Think | GQ ›
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- 7 Reasons to Stop Caring What Other People Think | Inc.com ›
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As a writer who really pays attention to word meanings, something that can be a bit frustrating about our culture is the fact that based on whatever is popular at the time, folks will just up and change the original definitions of words to suit a particular agenda or whim — and the word “platonic” 1000 percent fits into this category. And perhaps that’s why we seem to continue to go in circles about whether or not people of the opposite sex can (and should) be friends and what that even can (and should) look like.
Let’s talk about it for a bit. Because as a word-literal type of individual, while again, I absolutely believe that men and women can be friends, at the same time, I think it’s about as rare as a red diamond to truly find yourself in a friendship that is…platonic.
It’s Time (More) Folks Knew What ‘Platonic’ LITERALLY Means
GiphySo, let's do first things first — let's define what it literally means for something to be platonic. If you go to your favorite search engine and put something along the lines of "What does platonic mean?", the first thing that you're (probably) going to see is a ton of dictionary definitions that say something along the lines of "of, relating to, or being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex" (Merriam-Webster), "designating or of a relationship, or love, between a man and a woman that is purely spiritual or intellectual and without sexual activity" (Your Dictionary) and, my personal favorite, "purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, especially in a relationship between two persons of different sexes" (Dictionary). Yeah, bookmark that last one; I'll be circling back.
Keeping this in mind (and please do), where does the word "platonic" actually come from? From what I've researched, the philosopher Plato once penned something entitled "Symposium." In it, he addressed the topic of two people sharing the kind of love that is free of any type of sensual desire, one that is based on divine love alone. An author from the 1800s broke it down this way: "Platonic love meant ideal sympathy; it now means the love of a sentimental young gentleman for a woman he cannot or will not marry." A write-up on Merriam-Webster's site stated that "The term platonic was initially used to mock non-sexual relationships, as it was considered ridiculous to separate love and sex, but eventually this connotation faded away leaving us with today's notion of close friendships." Yeah, we used to live in a culture where love and sex were not separated. Hmph, that's another article for another time, though (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term' Casual Sex'").
Anyway, as with many things (especially in our culture), the word "platonic" is kind of used in "broad strokes" these days (bromances, female friendships, etc.). However, because there continues to be this forever discussion — and oftentimes debate — about whether or not men and women can be "just friends," I'm going to tackle this topic strictly from that angle — from the place where platonic actually originated.
You ready?
Yes, Men and Women Can Be Just Friends. But…
GiphyAt this stage in my life, I'm pretty sure that I have more male friends than female ones. There are layers of reasons why, yet I think a huge one is because I like the balance that masculinity brings to my femininity (especially as I'm learning to embrace different aspects of my femininity, intentionally even more). And while every single one of my male friends is respectful and is a super safe space in my world on every single level that I can imagine (and have been for years now), there are probably only a couple who I would say 100 percent qualify as being…trulyplatonic.
Why would I say that? Well, I'll illustrate this point with something that one of my male friends once said to me. He's super cute. He can sing his ass off (and definitely has one of my favorite speaking voices). People see us out together often, and some have told us that they assume that we've had something going on at some point. Anyway, after hearing someone share their theory about us, I told it to him.
Me: "I told him, 'He's my brother. We would never mess around.'"
My Friend: "Correction, you are like a sister. You are not my sister, though. Under the right conditions, you could still get it."
When I shared that exchange with another male friend of mine, he basically cosigned on the sentiment: "Shellie, I have never approached you like that because I really respect you. I want to be good for you for the rest of our lives." (That reminds me: check out "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?" when you get a chance.)
Then I went to one more guy homie and ran both statements by him: "Girl, yeah. If I didn't want to keep you in my life long-term, I would've tried to holla a long time ago!" And he and I have been friends for almost 20 years at this point. When did he get around to telling me this? Eh, maybe two years ago. LOL.
So, my takeaway from all of these "for real?!" exchanges is even though men and women can be just friends, there is a certain level of intention, self-control, and ability to see into the future (on some level) that must go into account — because, just because something more-than-friends-like may not have gone down, that doesn't mean there isn't a "dormant seed" lying around somewhere…whether it's one-sided or on both sides of the friendship dynamic.
As you can see, I just provided you with three instances where the male friends in my life; we've had nothing sexual or even physically intimate beyond a hug when we greet each other in nature — although things aren't exactly platonic if there is some sort of attraction or sexual/romantic curiosity that simply never got explored. Because again, according to Plato, a platonic relationship is free from all of that kind of…tension — or possibilities. Zero. Nada. Zilch.
And now you probably get why I entitled this article in the way that I did…right? I mean, just think about it — out of your male friendships, where is there NO sensual desire or dormant romantic interest…on your side and/or on his? If you're not sure about "his"…have you ever asked him? Or them? Because again, once I really let the definition of platonic sink in, I think maybe two guys in my life totally fit the bill.
This brings me to my next point.
Are You Platonic? Or Are You Friend-Zoning?
GiphyNow that you know that probably 70 percent of the people you know (both online and off) have been using the true meaning of platonic all the way wrong, let’s go about deeper: when it comes to your friendships with men, are they genuinely platonic or…is it more like you’re friend-zoning them?
A few years ago, I penned an article on the topic entitled, “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.” If you’re skimming this on your lunch break, I’ll summarize friend-zoning as knowing that a guy has so-much-more-than-platonic feelings for you, yet because you basically want to keep the benefits of the friendship or even his emotions around, you will string him along on some level.
Personally, I can’t stand friend-zoning. I think it’s selfish, with some sprinkles of manipulation and wasting someone’s time. Don’t agree? How would you feel if a guy was friend-zoning you? (Yeah…exactly.)
This all needs to go on record because, knowing that a guy wants to “take it there” with you (whether sexually or romantically), you not full-on addressing it and/or giving him just enough hope to take you out, listen to all of your stories about other men and give you the attention that you need knowing that he doesn’t have a shot in hell — that is NOT a platonic friendship and honestly, you’re not being a good friend at all. Friends protect each other’s hearts, not abuse them.
A platonic friendship means that you both have no interest in each other, and, as Plato put it, while you may have a strong and solid bond, it’s spiritual love that connects you. And what exactly does that mean? Spiritual love also deserves its own article, yet the gist would be that you recognize there is a purpose in your friendship, yet it’s about wanting what’s best for one another and even helping each other to get there.
For instance, a platonic friend of yours may know that you desire to be married one day, so he has no problem setting you up with a good guy in his life. And if things go well, he would have no problem standing up as your own best man (without feeling like he’s dying inside) because he never saw you beyond anything but a friend. A guy in the friend zone doesn’t move like this; he likes you too much to help you move on with someone else. See the difference?
Why Relationships Should Start Off As NON-PLATONIC Friendships
GiphyBefore I end this with some tips on how to properly care for the few platonic friendships you may actually have, since the use of the word may require a bit of mental reprogramming, I do think we should also address that if you've got a good guy in your life, who right now is a friend and either you've never thought of him in that way or the topic has never come up — he's someone that you may not want to brush off.
What I mean by that is, it's one thing for there to be absolutely no interest in someone vs. never considering it before — and the reason why you might want to give it some thought is because, ask any healthy married couple who's been together for more than five years and I'll bet you my next rent check that they will say that the best relationships are birthed out of friendship (check out "Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?").
Yeah, just because you've filed someone in the "I see him as a good guy" category, that doesn't automatically mean that y'all's friendship is platonic. For instance, I have a male friend who is fine and I adore on many levels, yet the reason why it would never work on my end is because there are certain relational standards that I have that he does not meet. However, don't get it twisted — I've considered him because, on so many levels, we "fit." So, the mere fact that I ever seriously thought about him on that level means that we are "good friends," yet it's not exactly platonic.
I'm not free of potential sensual desire…I just choose not to act on it. Yet because I get the value of having friendship as the foundation for my own future marriage (should life play out that way), I am wise enough to know that I would've been a fool to not at least…ponder him and the possibilities.
So yeah, if there is a male friend in your life that the thought of dating or having sex with him doesn't make you want to throw up in your mouth, there's a pretty good chance that it's not a classic platonic dynamic — and you might want to consider if it could/should go to the next level — if not immediately, eventually. Because there's a pretty good chance that if you are thinking that way, he probably is as well.
Protect Your Genuine Platonic Friendship(s) At All Costs
GiphyLet me end this with how one of my platonic friendships rolls. We both think that the other is attractive, yet neither of us is attracted. We both give each other opposite-sex insights. We both have said that the mere thought of dating each other makes our noses turn up like there’s an odor in the air. And even when I try to imagine us together, my mind goes blank. I love, love, LOVE this man — oh, but it is absolutely nothing more than platonic — and he feels the same way. It’s as close to familial love without being blood relationships. It’s a rare dynamic, and that is what makes it so special. There is definitely a spiritual type of love there; no more, no less.
If you’ve got someone in your life who you feel the same way about (again, it’s got to be mutual; he must feel that way, too), you’ve got a gem of a situation going on because there is nothing like having the kind of friendship where you and a guy can hang out, exchange perspectives and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company, knowing that’s all it is and will ever be. Things will never get weird. No one’s feelings are gonna get hurt (from the whole friend-zoning thing). You don’t have to walk on eggshells. You can just be.
And that’s why I’m all for platonic friendships. And listen, if you’re blessed enough to have even one in your lifetime, be fiercely protective of it. Don’t take it for granted. Nurture it in a way that your male friend needs (because it probably won’t be the exact same as your female friendships). Y’all, platonic friendships are so bomb because, if it’s honored and protected correctly, it’s the one male friend that you can probably keep for life because even your romantic partner will not find it to be a (true) threat — hell, they honestly could probably end up becoming (some level of) friends with your platonic homie as well.
______
I hope that I broke this all down enough to where, when you decide to use a word to describe your opposite-sex friendships, perhaps you will pause and ask yourself, “Wait, is this a platonic friend or a good or close friend?” Because the clearer you are on the differences, the easier it will be to know how to maintain your friendship — and feel about your friend. Feel me? Cool.
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