

While sitting down to watch the second episode of this season's grown-ish (congrats on the fourth season pick-up, y'all; that's dope!), the topic for today most definitely crossed my mind. As far as the episode went, long story short, after everyone returned from their summer vacation, one person, in particular, had a big surprise—Nomi is pregnant. If you're an avid watcher of the show, you know that little bit of news threw a lot of people off for, well, a few reasons. But what really stood out to me was the dynamic of Zoey and Nomi once the news was out of the bag.
In some ways, Zoey gives me old-school Carrie Bradshaw vibes—smart, fashionable, semi-private…also semi-neurotic, self-consumed and a little harsh when it comes to the delivery of her opinion that sometimes is "the truth" and sometimes is simply "her truth" (that last one, I used to be a lot like that; that's how I can detect it in others). Still, Zoey is pretty loyal and dependable, so that's what makes her friends tolerate the fact that she can be a little rough around the edges on the supportive front.
Anyway, when Zoey found out that Nomi had told Zoey's ex, Luca about being pregnant weeks before revealing the same news to Zoey—shocker of all shockers—Zoey made it be about her. Why didn't she find out first? When Nomi—along with the rest of Zoey's friends—shared that it was partly because Zoey can lean towards the judgmental side when it comes to receiving information, an honest dialogue occurred. While, on one hand, Zoey had to face the fact that sometimes she isn't always the softest place to land, Zoey also gave some relevant push back that sometimes, at least hard reality checks, are what those who claim to care about us need to receive. Otherwise, we'll be out here whilin' in these streets.
As I thought about how difficult it can be to find the balance between not being "judgy" and yes, being honest with others, I thought this would be a good a time as any to explore the question that seems to have ever-changing answers—should we really care what others think when it comes to what they think about us? My short answer is "yes". But there are a couple of points to follow that.
Why We Should Care About What Others Think
I've got a pretty strong personality; there's no getting around that. So, ever since like high school, on occasion, I've heard people say, "Shellie doesn't care about what anyone thinks." My response to that has never changed—"Yes, I do. It's just that my list is pretty short." To me, I think that it's pretty dangerous to be out here not giving a damn about what others see about me that I may not. However, what I've learned to do is care when it comes to those who actually care about me. Do I care about what trolls in cyberspace think? No. Do I care about what envious, opportunistic, sometimey or shady people think? Uh-uh. Do I care about what individuals who have plenty of time to critique but no time to actually invest in my life have to say? Not really. Because again, those types of folks show absolutely no evidence that they care about my ultimate health and well-being, my needs or my feelings. They're just…yappin'.
But the ones who have proven through their words and actions that they actually do love me and have my best interest at heart? Yeah, I care what they think. Praise God that I do too because I've avoided some real foolishness by paying attention to their "Shellie, what the hell?!" responses to certain things.
There are men that I've not gotten involved with because I cared what others think. There are firm boundaries that I've drawn with certain people in my world because I cared what others think. There are character flaws that I've been able to correct because I cared what others think. In many ways, caring what others think has saved my life (and definitely improved the quality of it).
Meanwhile, not caring what others think? I'll just put it this way—your current president doesn't give a damn what others think. Look at where that has gotten him and, in many ways, our country. Yeah, I'm not impressed, not in the least, by people who proudly (emphasis on "proud") proclaim that they couldn't care less what others think. To me, all that sounds like is a ton of arrogance which is usually nothing more than masked insecurity. No man is an island. All of us need folks around us who can provide an "outside in" perspective on our lives; folks who can oftentimes detect the blind spots that we would never notice without their presence. To not care what anyone thinks is a pretty reckless approach to matters. Rarely does it ever work in your favor to always be of that mindset. Now, that doesn't mean that others and their thoughts should trump, silence or compromise your own. Here's what I mean by that.
How We Should Care About What Others Think
While recently binge-watching the final season of Ballers recently, I jotted down something that Dwayne Johnson's character Spencer Strasmore said in, what I believe was the last episode—"You'll always care what your family and friends think. But, at the end of the day, you've only got yourself and the f—ks you choose to give. Everything else is someone else's problem." If you watched the entire series, you know that Spencer probably could've stood to listen to others a lot more often than he did. At the same time, though, I doubt that he would've shook up the NFL in the way that he did if he always followed how things were always done or if he surrendered to the status quo.
Yes, that's fiction but in real life, I can totally relate. When I was writing my first book, some of my closest family members refused to speak to me for months. When I made my exit out of official church membership, other church folks warned me of how "lost" I would end up. When I decided to tour with a ministry that gets people out of porn addiction, when I made the decision to become a marriage life coach (without ever being married), when I shared with others that I would devote a lot of my life towards telling a lot of my business in order to heal myself and help others, I can't tell you how many times people looked at me like I was crazy or tried to talk me out of it. These are the times when I didn't care what anyone thought because what I realized is that they were trying to project onto me what they would do in those situations. But they are not me and I am not them.
See, the key to learning how and when you should care about what others think about your life is to first determine what your life is all about. What is your purpose? What is your mission? What are your values? Shoot, what even is your personality, needs, desires, and perspective? Some of my friends, they don't "get" how I approach life because they are much more private than I am. So, whenever I speak openly about my past four abortions or my vast views on sex, they cringe; not because what I am doing is "wrong" but because it's something that they definitely wouldn't do.
And that's the thing we all have to be careful about—are we sharing our thoughts about someone else's world and approach to it with the intention of sparing them unnecessary hurt, harm, and/or drama, or are we simply trying to get them to say and do things based on what we would say…or do? The first is actually caring about them; the second is all about ego.
And that would be my advice when it comes to navigating how to care about what others think about you. First, make sure you are self-aware enough to be clear on who you are. Next, make sure you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the people you are about to listen to truly do care about you. Then, actually listen to what they have to say. I'll say this from personal experience—if it confirms something in your spirit or irks you to no end, those are the two things that you need to process the most. Being told what you need to hear doesn't always feel good and when you are "rubbed the wrong way" by someone you care about, oftentimes that means they've hit a nerve that you need to get to the root of before simply dismissing it. This brings me to my final point.
Can We Finally Start Using “Judgmental” Properly, Please?
Recently, I watched a segment of Claudia Jordan's talk show. On this particular episode actor Christian Keyes was on it. A part of what they discussed was how he reacted when a guy DM'ed him and he publicly responded. As they were breaking down the backlash that transpired as some people perceived him as being homophobic, I thought that two great points came out. One, what a lot of people may not know is, a part of what ticked Christian off was the guy propositioned Keyes and his son for a threesome (what in the world?!), so yes, Christian was pissed and rightfully so. Something like that wasn't about him being homophobic or judgmental; it's not something that he needed to apologize for. The come-on was totally inappropriate, plus he was protecting his child. Another point that I believe Claudia made is there is a difference between someone wanting equal rights and someone wanting superior ones. Right again. If you want to be treated fairly, if you want someone to respect your right to choose how you want to live your life, it's important that you extend those same courtesies to others. They don't have to agree with you all of the time. You don't have to agree with them all of the time either. To believe otherwise is a form of bullying, period.
Man, if I were in a beauty pageant right now and was asked what I'd like to see change in the world, I just might say "hyper-sensitivity". Just because we may be told something that we don't want to hear, just because someone might challenge us, just because harsh truths might be presented to us that make us uncomfortable or cause us to take some long looks at ourselves, that doesn't automatically mean that someone is being "judgmental" (which actually means things like "discretion" and "good sense", by the way). It doesn't mean that someone is hating on you or trying to run your life. Listen, if all that any of us can receive are accolades and applause, yet the moment someone says something that is contrary to that, we shut down or snap, we're all in trouble. Besides, all opinions are judgment calls. If I tell you that you're cute, I just judged you. Why didn't you tell me to stop being so "judgmental" then?
If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, us saying that we don't want to be "judged" actually means that we don't ever want to be corrected. In thinking that way, though, how do we ever grow? No one is saying that you have to receive any and everything that someone says to you. What I am encouraging you to do, however, is find balance.
The compliments that I receive feel good. The "Shellie, you might want to think about that" conversations, from the people who care about me, those are what aid in my continual evolution. It's not about someone being judgmental; it's about them being thoughtful.
Judgment is done in a spirit of apathy. Correction is done in a spirit of love.
So, when it comes to the age-old question of whether or not we should care what people think, again, my answer is "yes". Just make sure you know who you are, you're at peace with yourself (you tend to handle information best in a state of internal peace), and that the people thinking about and speaking into your life actually do care about you. When these three things are working together, "caring" can actually work in your favor. I'm speaking from personal experience when I say that. Yes, I deeply care what certain people in my life think. And praise the Lord for that.
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- Care What Other People Think | GQ ›
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- 5 Reasons To Stop Caring About What Others Think ›
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- 7 Reasons to Stop Caring What Other People Think | Inc.com ›
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- 10 Clear Reasons Why You Shouldn't Care What Others Think ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
A couple of days ago, I was listening to a friend of mine (who is in her 30s, by the way), semi-rant about how she doesn’t understand why it seems like she has a slight appearance of a double chin emerging when she hasn’t gained any weight and works out on the regular. When I asked her what her skincare routine was like, it took her a minute to connect the dots. That is until I shared with her that I once read that we actually start to lose our skin’s elasticity as early as our 20s and we can end up with as much as 30 percent less of it within the first five years of menopause.
What that means is the skin that once looked so firm, plump, and full can end up sagging, having fine lines and wrinkles and not appearing as youthful as it once did.
Damn Shellie, what a grim way to start an article. Yeah, I hear you. Really though, it all depends on how you look at it because, when you accept that aging is a (blessed) part of life and taking proactive measures can make easing into the aging process so much easier to handle, take it from me — it’s not so bad. And when it comes to your skin, specifically, you can actually hang on to its “bounce back” (the ability for your skin to maintain its natural elasticity) for much longer than you might think.
For starters, by following these eight proven (and all-natural) beauty hacks…
8 Natural Ways To Keep Your Skin Firm and Youthful
1. DIY a Witch Hazel Spritz
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I’m not exaggerating when I say that there isn’t one good reason why every household in this country shouldn’t have a bottle of witch hazel somewhere. It’s inexpensive. It works well for all skin types. And it comes with a myriad of skin benefits including containing properties thatreduce inflammation and irritation, decrease the appearance of pores, speed up the healing process of acne, protect skin from free radicals, and even help to soothe scalp discomfort (if your scalp happens to be particularly sensitive).
As far as your skin’s elasticity is concerned, witch hazel is “that one” because it has the ability to correct elastosis; elastosis is what happens when your skin starts to thicken and degenerate which makes it more difficult for your skin to maintain its elasticity.
That’s why it’s a good idea to create a skin-toning spritz out of one part distilled water and one part witch hazel. Spray your skin with it in the morning and whenever you need a skin refresher in order to maintain a subtle “tightness” and natural glow.
2. Do Some Chemical Peels
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I’ve mentioned before that I am absolutely sold on chemical peels (check out “I've Been Doing At-Home Chemical Peels. Here Are The Pros And Cons.”). Although I’ve had to do a little bit of trial and error (as far as the strength level of the peel and how long I should leave it on my skin before thoroughly rinsing it the peel off), once I got the groove of things (which roughly took me a couple of months), I have appreciated everything that chemical peels have done for the quality of my skin.
That’s because they help to resurface skin, even skin tone, reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, make skin look and feel much smoother, and boost the production of collagen and elastin in it. Like I said, I prefer to go the at-home route. However, if you want quicker and more drastic effects, book an appointment with a professional (and reputable) dermatologist or esthetician. I say that because to say that all chemical peels are created equal — that is a flat-out lie. Some are so potent that you shouldn’t even want to attempt them without an expert’s assistance. Trust me.
3. Moisturize with Aloe Vera Gel
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Even though Aloe vera gel is made up of 99 percent water, it also has vitamins A, C, E, zinc, magnesium, copper, potassium, enzymes, and a wealth of other nutrients in it. That alone makes it an ultimate skincare go-to; especially when it comes to hydrating your skin, healing the effects of psoriasis and eczema, and treating inflammatory acne. Know what else Aloe vera gel is good for? Keeping your skin firm. That’s because the properties in the gel help to produce collagen production — and the more collagen that your skin has, the more elasticity it will too.
4. Apply Vitamin C Extract
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Something else that your skin loses over time is its amount of hyaluronic acid. If you’re curious about what hyaluronic acid is, it’s a natural substance within your system that helps to keep your skin hydrated as well as flexible. Personally, I’m such a fan of the stuff that I wrote an article on it a couple of years ago (check out “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday”).
And listen, if you’re super serious about keeping elasticity in your skin, pair the acid up with some vitamin C extract. While a bottle of hyaluronic acid alone will help your skin to maintain its texture, vitamin C extract (serum) will help to brighten your skin, reduce hyperpigmentation, soften the appearance of dark circles underneath your eyes, boost collagen production and yes, help to prevent skin sagging as well.
5. Eat (More) Antioxidants
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Antioxidants are chemicals that help to fight off free radicals. That’s necessary because free radicals are linked to things like impaired vision, autoimmune disorders, cancer, diabetes, gray hair, and yes, skin aging. When you consume foods that are high in antioxidants, it helps your skin by reducing inflammation, improving its texture, softening the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, increasing hydration, and stimulating the production of collagen and elastin. Foods that are high in antioxidants include berries, dark leafy greens, pecans, apples, cabbage, mushrooms, potatoes, olive oil, cloves, and red wine.
6. Indulge in Dark Chocolate
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Dark chocolate brings me so much joy — and I’m not just talking about men either. LOL. I’ve seen what dark chocolate has done for my system to the point where I was inspired to once write “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe.” And, well, when it comes to your skin, dark chocolate is awesome because it contains organic compounds that increase blood circulation, protect your skin from damaging UV rays, improve hydration, slow down aging signs, and also, because dark chocolate has manganese in it, this means that it’s a food that helps with collagen production (which as you already know, leads to skin that has more elasticity).
So yeah, when it comes to dark chocolate (that is made up of around 65-70 percent cacao) — eat up! Your skin needs you to.
7. Sip on Some Ginger Tea
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Last fall, when I wrote the article, “10 Different Ways Herbal Teas Can Fit Into Your Beauty Regimen” for the platform, I didn’t include ginger tea — oh, but I probably should have. While, health-wise, ginger is great when it comes to reducing nausea and morning sickness, making menstrual cramps more tolerable, and decreasing your cholesterol levels, ginger is good for your skin because it reduces the amount of oil that your skin produces, softens the appearance of scars and it improves your skin’s elasticity and tone.
So, if sipping on tea is totally your thing, the sweet-meets-spicy flavor of ginger tea can do you and your skin some good on a ton of different levels.
8. Get Plenty of Rest
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Sleep is a time of rejuvenation which is why your skin needs you to get no less than 6-8 hours of sound rest on a nightly basis. What science has proven is your skin will most definitely benefit from consistent zzz’s because sleep can help to strengthen your immunity which can decrease inflammation and breakouts; it decreases stress and anxiety levels which can keep your hormone levels stabilized; it can help to keep your skin cells healthy; it can slow down aging signs (check out “Women In Their 40s Share The Beauty-Related Things They Wish They Did In Their 20s”), and sleep can even help to keep your skin from becoming dehydrated.
And since collagen is also produced while you sleep — perhaps now it makes all of the sense in the world that the saying “beauty sleep” is actually a very real thing. Sweet dreams (to you as well as your skin), sis!
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