![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![Should You Really Not Care About What Other People Think?](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8zMTAwNDI1Mi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc3MTgwMjQ2MH0.Fp4PkP8d5uy7ocBwOUrHXHLaXuvLf9ExiMCAByK0nBo/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C0%2C0%2C382)
Should You Really Not Care About What Other People Think?
While sitting down to watch the second episode of this season's grown-ish (congrats on the fourth season pick-up, y'all; that's dope!), the topic for today most definitely crossed my mind. As far as the episode went, long story short, after everyone returned from their summer vacation, one person, in particular, had a big surprise—Nomi is pregnant. If you're an avid watcher of the show, you know that little bit of news threw a lot of people off for, well, a few reasons. But what really stood out to me was the dynamic of Zoey and Nomi once the news was out of the bag.
In some ways, Zoey gives me old-school Carrie Bradshaw vibes—smart, fashionable, semi-private…also semi-neurotic, self-consumed and a little harsh when it comes to the delivery of her opinion that sometimes is "the truth" and sometimes is simply "her truth" (that last one, I used to be a lot like that; that's how I can detect it in others). Still, Zoey is pretty loyal and dependable, so that's what makes her friends tolerate the fact that she can be a little rough around the edges on the supportive front.
Anyway, when Zoey found out that Nomi had told Zoey's ex, Luca about being pregnant weeks before revealing the same news to Zoey—shocker of all shockers—Zoey made it be about her. Why didn't she find out first? When Nomi—along with the rest of Zoey's friends—shared that it was partly because Zoey can lean towards the judgmental side when it comes to receiving information, an honest dialogue occurred. While, on one hand, Zoey had to face the fact that sometimes she isn't always the softest place to land, Zoey also gave some relevant push back that sometimes, at least hard reality checks, are what those who claim to care about us need to receive. Otherwise, we'll be out here whilin' in these streets.
As I thought about how difficult it can be to find the balance between not being "judgy" and yes, being honest with others, I thought this would be a good a time as any to explore the question that seems to have ever-changing answers—should we really care what others think when it comes to what they think about us? My short answer is "yes". But there are a couple of points to follow that.
Why We Should Care About What Others Think
I've got a pretty strong personality; there's no getting around that. So, ever since like high school, on occasion, I've heard people say, "Shellie doesn't care about what anyone thinks." My response to that has never changed—"Yes, I do. It's just that my list is pretty short." To me, I think that it's pretty dangerous to be out here not giving a damn about what others see about me that I may not. However, what I've learned to do is care when it comes to those who actually care about me. Do I care about what trolls in cyberspace think? No. Do I care about what envious, opportunistic, sometimey or shady people think? Uh-uh. Do I care about what individuals who have plenty of time to critique but no time to actually invest in my life have to say? Not really. Because again, those types of folks show absolutely no evidence that they care about my ultimate health and well-being, my needs or my feelings. They're just…yappin'.
But the ones who have proven through their words and actions that they actually do love me and have my best interest at heart? Yeah, I care what they think. Praise God that I do too because I've avoided some real foolishness by paying attention to their "Shellie, what the hell?!" responses to certain things.
There are men that I've not gotten involved with because I cared what others think. There are firm boundaries that I've drawn with certain people in my world because I cared what others think. There are character flaws that I've been able to correct because I cared what others think. In many ways, caring what others think has saved my life (and definitely improved the quality of it).
Meanwhile, not caring what others think? I'll just put it this way—your current president doesn't give a damn what others think. Look at where that has gotten him and, in many ways, our country. Yeah, I'm not impressed, not in the least, by people who proudly (emphasis on "proud") proclaim that they couldn't care less what others think. To me, all that sounds like is a ton of arrogance which is usually nothing more than masked insecurity. No man is an island. All of us need folks around us who can provide an "outside in" perspective on our lives; folks who can oftentimes detect the blind spots that we would never notice without their presence. To not care what anyone thinks is a pretty reckless approach to matters. Rarely does it ever work in your favor to always be of that mindset. Now, that doesn't mean that others and their thoughts should trump, silence or compromise your own. Here's what I mean by that.
How We Should Care About What Others Think
While recently binge-watching the final season of Ballers recently, I jotted down something that Dwayne Johnson's character Spencer Strasmore said in, what I believe was the last episode—"You'll always care what your family and friends think. But, at the end of the day, you've only got yourself and the f—ks you choose to give. Everything else is someone else's problem." If you watched the entire series, you know that Spencer probably could've stood to listen to others a lot more often than he did. At the same time, though, I doubt that he would've shook up the NFL in the way that he did if he always followed how things were always done or if he surrendered to the status quo.
Yes, that's fiction but in real life, I can totally relate. When I was writing my first book, some of my closest family members refused to speak to me for months. When I made my exit out of official church membership, other church folks warned me of how "lost" I would end up. When I decided to tour with a ministry that gets people out of porn addiction, when I made the decision to become a marriage life coach (without ever being married), when I shared with others that I would devote a lot of my life towards telling a lot of my business in order to heal myself and help others, I can't tell you how many times people looked at me like I was crazy or tried to talk me out of it. These are the times when I didn't care what anyone thought because what I realized is that they were trying to project onto me what they would do in those situations. But they are not me and I am not them.
See, the key to learning how and when you should care about what others think about your life is to first determine what your life is all about. What is your purpose? What is your mission? What are your values? Shoot, what even is your personality, needs, desires, and perspective? Some of my friends, they don't "get" how I approach life because they are much more private than I am. So, whenever I speak openly about my past four abortions or my vast views on sex, they cringe; not because what I am doing is "wrong" but because it's something that they definitely wouldn't do.
And that's the thing we all have to be careful about—are we sharing our thoughts about someone else's world and approach to it with the intention of sparing them unnecessary hurt, harm, and/or drama, or are we simply trying to get them to say and do things based on what we would say…or do? The first is actually caring about them; the second is all about ego.
And that would be my advice when it comes to navigating how to care about what others think about you. First, make sure you are self-aware enough to be clear on who you are. Next, make sure you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the people you are about to listen to truly do care about you. Then, actually listen to what they have to say. I'll say this from personal experience—if it confirms something in your spirit or irks you to no end, those are the two things that you need to process the most. Being told what you need to hear doesn't always feel good and when you are "rubbed the wrong way" by someone you care about, oftentimes that means they've hit a nerve that you need to get to the root of before simply dismissing it. This brings me to my final point.
Can We Finally Start Using “Judgmental” Properly, Please?
Recently, I watched a segment of Claudia Jordan's talk show. On this particular episode actor Christian Keyes was on it. A part of what they discussed was how he reacted when a guy DM'ed him and he publicly responded. As they were breaking down the backlash that transpired as some people perceived him as being homophobic, I thought that two great points came out. One, what a lot of people may not know is, a part of what ticked Christian off was the guy propositioned Keyes and his son for a threesome (what in the world?!), so yes, Christian was pissed and rightfully so. Something like that wasn't about him being homophobic or judgmental; it's not something that he needed to apologize for. The come-on was totally inappropriate, plus he was protecting his child. Another point that I believe Claudia made is there is a difference between someone wanting equal rights and someone wanting superior ones. Right again. If you want to be treated fairly, if you want someone to respect your right to choose how you want to live your life, it's important that you extend those same courtesies to others. They don't have to agree with you all of the time. You don't have to agree with them all of the time either. To believe otherwise is a form of bullying, period.
Man, if I were in a beauty pageant right now and was asked what I'd like to see change in the world, I just might say "hyper-sensitivity". Just because we may be told something that we don't want to hear, just because someone might challenge us, just because harsh truths might be presented to us that make us uncomfortable or cause us to take some long looks at ourselves, that doesn't automatically mean that someone is being "judgmental" (which actually means things like "discretion" and "good sense", by the way). It doesn't mean that someone is hating on you or trying to run your life. Listen, if all that any of us can receive are accolades and applause, yet the moment someone says something that is contrary to that, we shut down or snap, we're all in trouble. Besides, all opinions are judgment calls. If I tell you that you're cute, I just judged you. Why didn't you tell me to stop being so "judgmental" then?
If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, us saying that we don't want to be "judged" actually means that we don't ever want to be corrected. In thinking that way, though, how do we ever grow? No one is saying that you have to receive any and everything that someone says to you. What I am encouraging you to do, however, is find balance.
The compliments that I receive feel good. The "Shellie, you might want to think about that" conversations, from the people who care about me, those are what aid in my continual evolution. It's not about someone being judgmental; it's about them being thoughtful.
Judgment is done in a spirit of apathy. Correction is done in a spirit of love.
So, when it comes to the age-old question of whether or not we should care what people think, again, my answer is "yes". Just make sure you know who you are, you're at peace with yourself (you tend to handle information best in a state of internal peace), and that the people thinking about and speaking into your life actually do care about you. When these three things are working together, "caring" can actually work in your favor. I'm speaking from personal experience when I say that. Yes, I deeply care what certain people in my life think. And praise the Lord for that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Here Are 10 Personal Development Goals We All Should Make
What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like
Feature image by Giphy
- Care What Other People Think | GQ ›
- If You Care Too Much What People Think, Watch This - YouTube ›
- What I Learned When I Stopped Caring About What Other People ... ›
- 5 Reasons To Stop Caring About What Others Think ›
- How to Stop Giving a F*ck What People Think ›
- Ultimate Guide on How to Not Care What Other People Think ›
- 7 Reasons to Stop Caring What Other People Think | Inc.com ›
- Caring What Other People Think | Psychology Today ›
- 10 Clear Reasons Why You Shouldn't Care What Others Think ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images