

Here Are 10 Personal Development Goals We All Should Make
I don't know about you, but usually, when I hear someone talk about their short and long-term goals, it typically has something to do with professional or health-related ambitions. Those are important, no doubt about it. But I do think that there is another set of achievements that should get just as much of our time, effort, and attention—personal development goals. Because, if you really stop to think about it, what's the point in being professionally successful or even being in the physical state that we desire if our personal lives, our mental state, and/or our emotional stability are in total shambles?
To a large degree, personal development goals are as unique as each person reading this. But there are some things that, I feel, we all could only benefit from if we made them a top priority. If you want to make this season of your life one where you thrive in a way that you never have before, here are 10 ways to accomplish that ambition.
1. “Tithe” to Yourself
If you've ever wondered why a lot of people pay tithes in church, it's because there is a Scripture in the Bible that gives that instruction; it's in Malachi 3. The reason why folks offer up 10 percent is that that is literally what tithe means. I'll admit that it's always been a bit of a controversial topic but, regardless of your religious affiliation or personal convictions, if there's one thing that I think you should be open to doing is "tithing to yourself".
The reality is a part of the reason why a lot of us incur the amount of debt that we do is because we don't budget wisely. When we want those new pairs of shoes or to get a much-needed massage, because we didn't prepare to spend what it costs ahead of time, we end up spending more than we should. By setting aside 10 percent from each paycheck that you get to do nothing but focus on self-care, not only does that remind you to make yourself a priority, but it also offers up a guilt-free and financially responsible way to do it.
2. Use Discernment
A movie that I re-watched online recently isVideo Girl starring Meagan Good. If you've never seen it before, the long short of it is Meagan's character is a former ballet dancer who gets into a car accident that shatters her dreams. A famous video director discovers her, she starts to book a lot of gigs, and well, I bet you can guess that things start to get pretty rocky from there. As I watched the story play out (again), I thought about so many of the red flags that her character ignored. Blatant ones. Then I thought about all of the times when I've done basically the same thing in my own life.
In a society that has become so hypersensitive that it seems like no one can be advised or corrected on anything, try and avoid being that type of individual. Be humble enough to receive wisdom from those who care about you. Also, be self-aware enough to use good judgment in both personal and professional circumstances and situations.
If something doesn't feel right, listen to what your mind, body, and spirit are telling you. If you aren't at total peace, don't ignore that fact. If you think you should pump the brakes on something in order to get a better understanding, do that. A wise person once said, "Discernment is the ability to see things for what they really are and not what you want them to be." Just imagine how much drama and foolishness could be avoided if we all applied this to our lives on a consistent basis.
3. Handle Stress Effectively
I know a personal development goal that always remains on the top of my list is reducing stress. That's why I make the conscious decision to not worry a lot. I also try and allow peace to be my guide at all times. One of the main reasons why I think this is so important is because, to me, good health is paramount. And with articles out in cyberspace like "10 Health Problems Related to Stress That You Can Fix" to remind me heart disease, diabetes and headaches typically don't "just happen", stress triggers them—it's so important to make sure that I avoid people, places, things and ideas that are prone to stress me out rather than keep me calm. I'm not the only one who feels that way either. Check out "Forget The Bag, Kelly Rowland Wants You To Get Your Stress In Check". It serves as a great reminder that nothing and no one is worth you sacrificing your health or peace of mind. You'd betta believe it.
4. Understand Your Power of Influence
Someone once said that influence is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only thing. I thought about that as I was watching R&B artist Snoh Aalegra's latest music video "Whoa" featuring Michael B. Jordan. As I was thinking about how much she gave me modern-day Sade vibes in a lot of ways (fun fact: her debut LP featured a cover of Sade's song "Smooth Operator"), I also thought about how I dug her energy and vibe. It was cool to just hear some good music, see some nice visuals, and feel like my young goddaughters could walk into the room and I wouldn't have to mute the lyrics or change the channel because of what was happening on the screen. That little story right there is a small example of what one's power of influence is like. I appreciated something that Snoh presented, wrote about it, and now you're reading it.
My point to that is this—someone is always watching you. It might be a co-worker, a friend, your children, or a complete stranger. And whether you realize it or not, your words, actions, and even energy can have a domino effect on others; usually in ways that you can't even begin to fathom. That's why it's so important to be intentional about the choices that you make—in both the big and little things. Just by making it a goal to be a responsible influencer, you are choosing to impact this society in a very powerful, relevant, and lasting type of way.
5. Define Success for Yourself
To this day, I'd have to say that one of my favorite songs by Drake as well as Trey Songz is "Successful". If you listen to it carefully, although they are talking about money, cars and clothes being the definition of success in the hook, the verses also explore the challenges that can come with having those things. Moral to the story—this is why it's so important to define success for yourself. For instance, for me, being able to make a living off of my writing gift is my definition of success. Believe you me, a sistah ain't rich; not even close. But I wake up being able to set my own schedule while enjoying what I do and not feeling like I am compromising my values or integrity in order to take care of myself.
While a lot of the world would have you to think that you're only a true success if it's based on "the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like", I personally believe that the happiest people in life are the ones who define success another way—"the accomplishment of one's goals". Knowing your purpose, setting short- and long-term goals, and remaining focused on accomplishing these things—if you're able to do this on the regular, I salute you. You, my dear, are a textbook definition of success.
6. Manage Your Expectations
There is someone in my life who lives by, what I personally think, is one of the most depressing mottos on the planet—"Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed." Geeze. Listen, there's nothing wrong with having expectations. Even the Good Book says, "Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." (Psalm 5:3—AMPC) The key is to manage your expectations properly and realistically.
One way to do that is to base your expectations on someone's character and track record. For instance, one of my friends? Whenever he says, "I'll call you back in a minute", I have learned to translate that as, "I'll talk to you later." I don't expect him to ring my phone the same day because there's a 50/50 chance that he won't. But I have another friend who, if she says she'll hit me back in 10 minutes, she's always on time (even if she has to call to say that she'll call back). Another way to manage your expectations—and this is a big one—is to not try and turn people into another version of yourself. What I mean by that is, don't expect people to do (or not do) something, simply because you would. State your needs, allow them to decide if they wish to comply or not, and then set boundaries based on whether or not you can live with what they choose to do.
Life would be pretty grim if you never looked forward to anything which is what expectations are all about. Just make sure that your expectations are grounded in reality and you should be all good. Oh, and if you are constantly being disappointed by someone based on your expectations and them not meeting any of 'em, perhaps it's the relationship that needs adjusting, not what you're expecting overall.
7. Break Bad Habits
Not too long ago, I shared a list of some habits that were worth, at least considering breaking, before this new year began. But aside from things like eating fast food, breaking promises, and settling, we've all got personal bad habits that we know we should let go of as well. It might be overthinking. Maybe it's holding grudges. Perhaps it's constantly breaking your budget or showing up to work late. Maybe it's always getting involved with guys who are absolutely no good for you. Or always allowing opportunists to take advantage of you. Perhaps it's still eating dairy when your body has been begging you to let it go or still allowing your mama to run your life when you are too grown for that now.
The thing that you always have to keep in mind about habits is, before long, they are so ingrained into your lifestyle that they literally become a part of you; they end up being like second nature. If there is anything that you are doing—or allowing—that is hindering you from becoming your best self and living out your best life, NOW would be the time to remove it and replace it with something better. Out of all of the personal development goals mentioned here, make sure that this one doesn't get overlooked.
8. Take a Day Off. WEEKLY.
Ever since I was born, I've been a traditional Sabbath observer. What that means is from sunset Friday through sunset Saturday, I don't work. Actually, it's more than that—I don't work and I make it a point to do things that bring me pure enjoyment, just for the heck of it. Because of this, I don't get overwhelmed very often. I also feel calmer and I'm able to be more productive during the week because I have gotten the rest that I needed over the weekend. The thing about "keeping the Sabbath" is it's more than a "religious practice". I know a lot of people who see Sunday as "their Sabbath" but they don't get a lick of rest on it. First, they're in church for hours on end, then they are rushing home to prepare for the upcoming week. That's not a day off if you ask me.
Our bodies are not made to constantly be on the go; rest is supposed to be a part of our life's routine. That's why it's so important to not see taking at least one day off a week as being a luxury. The process of disconnecting, recharging, and even pampering are all important if you want to remain physically healthy, mentally clear, and emotionally balanced.
9. Respond Instead of React
If you want to know if you've truly mastered someTheKarate Kid wax on, wax off ish, ask yourself if you truly know the difference between responding vs. reacting to things that are difficult or you don't like; this could be a person, place, thing or idea. Indeed, if there is one personal goal that I focused long, deep, and hard on in 2019, it was this one.
So, how do you know if you are responding or reacting? First of all, reacting tends to be an immediate emotional action. If you do things, solely from an emotional space, it oftentimes isn't thought through; it's also not necessarily what you would do if you took a few moments to process what happened. Another point worth mentioning about reactions is they are oftentimes so aggressive and off-putting that they can set off a chain of other reactions that you probably don't want to put up with either.
I've got to give credit to where credit is due here. At least based on what we know thus far, Omarion is a great example of what can happen when you respond vs. react. When you remain calm and centered, you can plan, strategize and get the kind of results that you ultimately want. When you don't, well—VH1 has plenty of programming that serves as cautionary tales for that.
10. Define Self-Love for Yourself
A few months ago, I wrote an article on here entitled "What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like". The more that I embark on my own journey in this area, the more I realize that there are some things about self-love that should automatically apply to all of us (like self-respect and self-esteem). At the same time, because we are each unique in our own ways, some things are customizable. When Miss Universe 2019 Zozibini Tunzi decided to rock her killa fade over a wig in the pageant, that is how she decided to reflect her self-love. Big Sean's semi-recent commitment to take a year off in order to take care of his mental health was an act of self-love.
Cassie releasing her past so that she could have an even greater future was an act of self-love. Lizzo has done all kinds of things to challenge the status quo when it comes to how she defines/displays self-love. I recently watched an episode of Righteous & Ratchet featuring KevOnStage, Mrs. KevOnStage, and Doboy discussing all of the creative risks that they took (and won) this past year that was their acts of self-love. What all of these examples have in common is these people focused on what they needed to do to feel good about themselves—and that is a big part of what self-love is all about.
At the end of the day, a goal is "the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end". If you're currently dissatisfied with your personal life, it's probably time to set some new personal goals. It's a simple step that can lead to really big changes and lasting results. Set some.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Masturdating: A TikTok Dating Trend That We Should Totally Get Behind
Imma tell y’all what — it seems like not one week goes by when I don’t see some sort of so-called term that has me like, “What in the world?” For instance, when I first stumbled upon “self-partnering,” honestly, I laughed. Then shared it with some other single people as well as married folks I know. And I kid you not, every individual was like, “What the heck does that mean?” When I told them that it was yet, one more way to seemingly define single living, basically everyone’s follow-up was, “Oh, brother.”
Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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