How To Stop Worrying So Much & Start Living
There are people in my family who are worry-addicts-in-denial. If they have a sore throat, they talk about the possibility of it being cancer. If they are short on cash for rent, they already see themselves out on the street. If their significant other doesn't pick up before the third ring, they've resigned that they are being cheated on. Ugh. These people are extremely exhausting to be around, so I can only imagine what it's like to actually be them. Oh wait. I've got a clue. It's listed right there in the definition of worry—"to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret". Did you catch it? When you make the choice to worry—because it is always a decision; it's not something that "just happens"—you have chosen to torment yourself. What in the world?
If, despite what the dictionary says, you don't believe that to worry is an ultimate form of self-torment, check out some points from WebMD's "How Worrying Affects the Body" article. Worrying has a way of affecting your appetite, your sleep patterns, your moods and your relationships. Some physical results of worrying include headaches, nausea, muscle tension, the inability to concentrate and bouts of anxiety. In a nutshell, worrying can make you feel like crap, stress out the people around you, and ultimately paralyze you with doubt, fear and angst. And here's the thing—once you're done worrying, not only is the thing that you're worrying about still lingering around, but your worrying has probably made it that much worse. Basically, worrying does what the late newspaper columnist Emma Bombeck once said—"Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere."
Another thing that I've concluded about worry is a lot of people who do it are in denial about something else that it reveals, that they are a control freak. Think about it. When it comes to most of the things that we worry about, aren't they usually connected to things that we want to control but are totally out of our hands?
Y'all, the more that I unpack this worry thing, the more I know that if there's one habit that all of us must rid ourselves of, it's worry. And chile, there's no time like the present to do just that!
Stop Creating So Many Hypothetical Storylines
I always think it's funny that, when topics like "drama queen" come up, automatically some folks get triggered. It really shouldn't bother any of us to hear the rundown of what a drama queen is (or does) unless it's a bit of a "hit dog will holler" kind of thing. Even then, if you see yourself as being one, there's no time like the present to make a change—if you want to, that is.
Anyway, although the typical definitions of a drama queen include things like mood swings, constant complaining, throwing temper tantrums, being a constant attention-seeker and always stirring up trouble, I personally think that a totally underrated sign is someone who is always making mountains out of molehills. You know the kind—their man calls to say, "We need to talk" and, before he can call back, they've already decided that, not only has he cheated, but he probably has a baby on the other side of town. Or, there's an impromptu staff meeting at work, and they walk into it in tears because they can already imagine themselves living in a cardboard box.
Your day-to-day life already comes with enough plots, twists and characters. Significantly reduce your chances of becoming a worry wart by refusing to feed off of hypothetical storylines that your imagination is trying to freak you out with.
Do the Best That You Can. Consistently So.
Something that is mad freeing is knowing that, at the end of the day, you did the absolute best that you could. Not in some categories of your life—every single one of them. I can personally attest to this because, when I know that I've let the ball drop on something, it is a whole lot easier to get nervous, anxious or worried than if I did all that I could. An example of this is a time when my rent got lost in the mail. My landlord was telling me that if it wasn't found, I'd have to pay it again. Whatever. I had proof of payment. It was gonna be what it was gonna be. But back in the day, when I was an impulse shopper and writing checks all over the place, sometimes rent time would roll around and I'd be freaking out because I didn't know if I truly had enough in my account or not.
See the difference? When you know that you've done what is within your control, what else can you really do? It's when you have to face that you've been back steppin' that worry is able to creep in. The good thing about this particular point is it's a reminder that a lot of what we worry about ceases to be an issue if we simply operate in excellence and leave the rest to the Universe to figure out. (The check should up, by the way. In case you were wondering.)
Avoid the Need to Get a Dozen Different Opinions
This is a gem of a point because, if you're someone who has wired yourself to have to speak with a billion people before making a decision, not only does that mean you don't trust yourself as much as you should, it also explains why you may be prone to worrying a lot more than what is needed. Case in point. I recently found out that one of my main writing gigs was dissolving its company. When I shared this news with someone, they began to panic, seemingly on my behalf. "What are you going to do about your bills?", "Do you think it's time to get a full-time job?", "How can you handle this type of uncertainty?" Goodness, girl. I was actually doing just fine before I brought you into the mix. Lord.
When you're going through a challenge or trial, it's natural and, to a certain degree, even wise, to get another person's insight. Just make sure that you source out the kind of individual who will bring the kind of perspective that will make matters better not worse; someone who will help to make things clearer, not more confusing. Oh, and try and keep the number of individuals that you consult with down to a minimum. The more voices you hear, the harder it will be to listen to your own. And, the easier it will be to find more stuff to worry about—thanks (but no thanks) to all of the "extra" that they will bring into your psyche.
Stay Away from Negative Energy and People
On this site, we tend to talk about toxicity quite a bit—toxic family,toxic friends, toxic significant others…you name it. Well, a surefire sign that someone is a toxic individual is if they are negative most of the time. Negative people are the ones who always think that things are too good to be true. Not only that but they blow small things totally out of proportion; they dwell on the bad circumstances in life; they thrive off of gossip; they tend to be self-deprecating; fear is always consuming them; they are stagnant because they rarely take risks; their moods are always leaning on the side of pessimism; they don't know how toforgive themselves or other people; they are chronic complainers; they dwell on the past—geeze. I could go on and on, but I don't want you to let the negative energy of even exploring all of this to bring you down.
The interesting thing about worry, as it directly relates to negative people, is negativity is what fuels them. And, fascinatingly enough, a lot of negative folks remain on the "glass half empty" side of life because negativity makes them, well, lazy. They would rather just assume that nothing is going to go right than to worry about it—or try and make things better. This means that negative people will not only feed seeds of worry and doubt, but if you stick around them long enough, you can transition from worrying to not caring about what once concerned you at all. And rarely is apathy ever beneficial or good
There is scientific evidence to support that negativity is not only really bad for your health, it's mad contagious too. If you want to quit worrying so much, but you're always around negative energy and people—yeah, good luck with that.
It's pretty much like trying to avoid the flu when you share a bed with someone who's got it. It's not impossible but, at the same time, it's pretty probable that you'll come down with it. Eventually.
Think of the Worst Case Scenario. Then Let It Go.
No matter what you're going through in life, there is always going to be a worst case scenario. But, as they say, 85 percent of what we worry about actually never happens. Still, I think a part of the reason why worrying wears a lot of us out is because we're expending so much time, effort and energy trying to talk ourselves out of the worst case scenario rather than considering and then letting it go. A good example of this that comes to mind is, when I was a little girl, I actually missed a flight that ended up going down. As a child, I never gave it much thought. Oh, but as an adult, I have. I travel, but flying isn't my absolute favorite thing in the world to do. It's because I know that I could've crashed on one.
One time, while on the way to Alaska, one of the little planes that I was on felt like a piece of paper in a tornado. I hated every moment of it. But the man next to me looked at me and said, "If it's your time, it's your time. What can you do about it now? Calm down." Ever since then, I've applied that way of thinking to just about every issue that tempts me to worry. I think about the worst thing that could happen, I make peace with it, and then I let the thought go. It might seem weird, but once I'm in the head space of "Whatever it is, I can face it because God's got me," there is a sense of calm and tranquility that makes me almost fearless. Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it.
Take Things One Day At a Time
Remember how I said earlier that most worriers have issues with control? I meant it. Think about the last thing you worried about. Did it have something to do with what was going on in the now or something that could possibly happen tomorrow, next week or even six months later? There is a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34—NKJV) No matter what your personal spiritual beliefs may be, you've gotta admit that this is a real pearl of wisdom in these words.
One problem with worry is it causes you to take the focus off of what is right in front of you. Instead, you tend to put your energy and emotions into something that may or may not happen in the future. As a result, it robs you of time and the ability to handle what's before you with excellence. Matthew 6:34 is right. Tomorrow will be here soon enough and you can best believe that it will come with its own set of concerns. But since tomorrow isn't promised, why not concentrate on what you can be sure of? Right here and right now.
Quit Overwhelming Yourself
There's someone I know who's always telling multiple people all of their business. Then, once their business gets out, they're all stressed out because they don't know who leaked it. SMDH. This is what feeling overwhelmed can be like—you feel somewhat burned out, if not completely overcome, all because you've taken on so many things that you don't really know how to trace your own steps so that you can complete everything. And when you've got tons that needs to be done, of course, it's going to cause you to worry.
I know a lot of us ladies think that we're the masters of multi-tasking, but there is plenty of research that proves otherwise. While we might do "OK" with trying to do five things at once, we'd be much better off doing one thing at a time. It will keep our stress levels down, so that we can concentrate on doing each task in excellence. And, as a wonderful bonus, we can learn the art of saying "no" more often.
Doing one thing at a time is just one more way to stop worrying as you much you probably do.
RELAX
No one is able to relax when they are worried all of the time. How do I know this to be true? Because some antonyms for worry include—calm, trust, sureness, confidence, reassurance, contentment and joy.
In this world, we all are going to experience highs and lows. That's a part of life. But as the late Rep. Elijah Cummings once said that he always asked his children, it's important that when "the lows" come that we ask, not why is this happening to us but why is it happening for us? By taking on the second approach to our circumstances, we can settle our spirit down more. Then, by doing something along the lines of meditation, yoga, prayer, sleeping or even just chilling out on the couch and watching something that will get our minds off of what's trying to stress us out, we'll be better equipped to take it on.
Worry hates it when we're relaxed because it knows that it can't really get to us whenever we do. Bottom line—do what you can, release the rest. In a nutshell, that's the key to training yourself to stop worrying so freakin' much.
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Originally published on November 9, 2019
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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