The Art Of Saying "No" To Things You Don't Want To Do
A few weeks ago, I went to visit my godbabies. As life—and by "life", I mean God—would have it, all of us are Geminis which automatically makes us bonded in some pretty significant ways that only other fellow Geminis can even begin to comprehend. Anyway, as I was bonding with one who is right at three months and another who is 25—my bad, eight-years-old (she really is waaaaay beyond her years, though)—I was reminded of something that I truly believe about children—they come into this world with the ability to love unconditionally, to be remarkably creative and to be totally unapologetic when it comes to their "yes" and "no". It is our job as adults to nurture those abilities. Unfortunately, a lot of us…don't.
And since all of us were children at one point, this means that we also came into the world with these things. Some of us got them disciplined (in this case what I mean is beat) out of us (hurt people, hurt people…sometimes those "people" are our very own parents). Some of us were pressured to do and be anything but creative. And then there are those of us who had so many of our boundaries violated that, to this day, we don't know how to say "no"—or we feel guilty for wanting to.
I have always related to the quote, "Adulthood is about surviving childhood." Not that I think it should be that way, but it's simply the reality for a lot of us. But you know what? There's no time like the present to tend to the "inner child" and let her know what it is OK to love fully, live creativity and be fine with saying "yes" and with saying "no". "No" to what exactly? Let's start with this list right here.
Someone Disrespecting Your Boundaries
An author by the name of Suzette R. Hinton (who happens to be a Black woman which makes me like the quote even more) once said, "If the person you're talking with continues to press you for more or can't seem to accept your answer, then you are being harassed. I know that sounds hard for people-pleasers to accept, but it's true. No means no." Amen. Something that I'm very careful and cautious about, when it comes to my godchildren and children in general, really, is honoring their boundaries. I don't just scoop them up. I don't force affection on them. I try and put myself in their position and give them their space to come to me in their own time.
I think a part of the reason why I'm this way is because my boundaries—which are limits—were disrespected on so many levels while I was growing up. I didn't get the right to say "no" or if I did, I was treated like I was wrong for saying it or I was, as Ms. Hinton put it, harassed to the point of changing my mind.
Now? Don't even try it. Case in point, I was recently staying at someone's house and they asked me if I wanted to go out to eat early the following morning. I said "no". Boy, they spent a solid 15 minutes talking about the restaurant, how rise and shine time wasn't "that early" and why I should want to do it. Goodness. I said no. People tend to push past our limits so much that we don't even realize how much they are dishonoring us when they do. But even the Bible has your back on this—"But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever is more than these is from the evil one." (Matthew 5:37—NKJV)
Always remember—the same people who dishonor your "no" would have a fit if you did the same thing to them. "No" isn't being mean. It's simply a form of honoring yourself. Anyone who has a problem with that, has a real problem.
Abuse. Of ANY Kind.
Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Mental abuse. Spiritual abuse (if you wonder what that looks like, check out "25 Signs Of Spiritual Abuse"). Professional abuse (there's a good read on that here). Platonic abuse (toxic friends are abusive ones). Neglect. There's no simpler way to put it—you should not tolerate abuse of any kind. Ever and period.
By definition, abuse is "to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way" or to malign or misuse. But I'll be honest with you. As I shared in an article about date rape, if you have to wonder if you are being abused by someone, something is automatically really unhealthy. There are definitely some things that you should be putting your foot down on and saying "no" to. Anything that even mildly mimics abuse is one of them.
Toxicity. Of ANY Kind.
If there's one thing that we try and nip in the bud over here at xoNecole, it's toxicity. If you don't believe me, check out "The Self-Care Of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends", "We've Said A Word About Toxic Fathers, But Who's Talking About Toxic Mothers?", "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members" and "Blac Chyna & Tokyo Toni Are Proof That Your Parents Can Be Toxic Too". I think the reason why it's so important to have a profound aversion to toxic behavior and people is because when something is toxic, it is harmful, poisonous and malicious.
As I was checking out an article (off of the platform) that someone wrote about toxic individuals, I found it really interesting that aside from mentioning things like jealousy, manipulation, control, backhanded compliments and playing the victim, something else that made the list was "They can't take 'no'". A person who doesn't respect your no is showing signs of being toxic. Wow. Just wow.
Doing Something That Violates Your Values or Principles
A few weeks ago, I watched comedian Corey Holcomb on The Breakfast Club go on about his lack of interest in monogamy. Before he got into all of that, everyone was discussing something that I agree with—the world is getting waaaaaay too sensitive. "Sensitive" to the point of being tyrannical. It's like unless you agree with what someone is saying, you immediately need to apologize or be canceled. That's unfortunate too because a lot of people who feel that way would be HOT if someone demanded the same of them.
We all need to be considerate and compassionate. Hopefully, that goes without saying. But to expect folks to go against their core values, principles, passions or interest, simply because you feel a different way than they do is…dangerous.
That's what this current president of ours is on. It takes courage to do or not do something based on your own core set of beliefs, but if someone tries to bully you into doing just that, while it may not be popular right now, it's still OK to say "no".
Doing Something Before You Are Ready to Do It
One of my favorite quotes of all time is "You'll never be good enough for a man who isn't ready." When someone is ready to do something, it means that they prepared, equipped and in the right condition. On the relationship tip, it is NOT our job as women to "get a man ready". It's actually violating and pretty disrespectful to volunteer to take that role on. I actually know many a man who are now husbands who are pretty miserable because they were "ultimatum-ed into" their marriage; they were pushed to move before they were ready to do so. Not to say that those men don't need to take some personal ownership for being pushed because if you're not ready to do something, you need to say "no". At the same time, the person hearing that needs to either accept the response or move on.
The same thing applies to all other matters. Being ready requires desire, time and focus. I don't care how "ready" someone thinks that you might be, only you know how ready you truly are. If they respect you and your knowledge about yourself (ain't it a trip, how many folks think they know us better than we do?), they will respect your "back up, not yet" or your flat-out no. It really is as simple as that.
Conceding to Compromises That Offend Your Spirit
A writer by the name of Stephanie Lahart once said, "Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish. Anybody who gets upset and/or expects you to say YES all of the time clearly doesn't have your best interest at heart. Always remember: You have a right to say NO without having to explain yourself. Be at peace with your decisions."
There are some things that I will say "no" to, for no other reason than it doesn't sit well with me. Sometimes even my friends will look at me like I am crazy, but if my spirit isn't at peace, I'm not at peace. Peace of mind can keep you out of all sorts of unforeseen or unpredicted foolishness. Don't ever betray your spirit. It's got your back in a way that no one else ever could or would.
Relationships That Lack Reciprocity
Almost every chance that I get, I bring up how important it is to have relationships that are reciprocal. To tell you the truth, when you think about the fact that the root word for relationship is "relate", I'll take it a step further and say that if you're in something where mutuality does not exist, it's not really a relationship anyway.
People who are willing to take without giving in return are users. Not all of them are entirely conscious of this fact, but they still are. And you know what? Your time, resources, and heart are far too valuable to be out here sharing yourself with those who leave you empty in return. The sooner you say an emphatic "NO!" to folks who drain rather than fulfill you, the better off your quality of life will be.
Self-Deprecation
I recently read an article on Inc.'s site that said having a self-deprecating sense of humor is connected to great leadership skills. By looking deeper into the piece, I agreed with this line—"People that can admit to their failures or shortcomings with a smile are more approachable." But it's one thing to not take yourself so seriously, to be self-aware enough to know what your own flaws are. On the other hand, it's a horse of a totally different color when you don't know how to take a compliment, you try and make yourself the butt of every joke and you are constantly speaking negatively about yourself.
For one thing, it seems like you're begging for attention and affirmations which can become exhausting. Secondly, it does a real number on your self-worth and esteem. So, while we're out here talking about all of the things outside of yourself that you should say "no" to, self-deprecation is an internal issue that you should deny, each and every time the temptation to tear yourself to shreds comes to mind.
Cyclic Patterns, Habits and Behaviors
Along the lines of what I just said, sometimes, the main one you need to be saying "no" to is yourself. Whenever you do that, it's called self-control. I once read somewhere that people who can control their appetite for food and sex are empowered in ways that few ever are. I get why they said that because when you can master how not to give into urges, simply because you have them, it trains you to become unstoppable in so many ways and on so many levels.
It's an article within itself to explore what constitutes as an unhealthy—or at the very least, counterproductive—pattern, habit or behavior is. But for the sake of time and space I'll just say, anything that holds you back, keeps you stagnant and encourages you to be the kind of person that you don't want to be or become, that is something you should definitely say "no" to. Right now, please.
Someone Wanting You to “Justify” Your No
I remember being in my late 30s and my mother asking me if I had ever had sex with a particular person that she had known since he and I both were kids. Then she looked at me like, "Well?!" Sometimes, I think people don't realize that receiving any kind of information about someone else is not a right; it is a privilege. This includes parents who want to know the business of their adult children.
Saying "no" doesn't require a follow-up statement. Anyone who feels otherwise, I don't care who they are, they are not honoring the limit that you set by saying "no" in the first place. When you are pushed past your no, when you are expected to defend or justify it, they are basically telling you that they don't respect your limits and you need to provide enough information until they do. That is not even close to being the truth.
Whew. I don't know about you but even writing this has gassed me up to find something to say "no" to (kidding…kinda). Bottom line, "no" is not a bad word. It's an empowering and necessary one. Use it with care, intention and maturity but do use it. Today, if necessary. Tomorrow and the next day too, chile.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members
Does Your Life Need Personal Boundaries? Take This Quiz To Find Out
Being A People-Pleaser Taught Me The Power Of The Word "No"
I'm Good Luv, Enjoy: How Saying 'No' Keeps Your Life Balance In Check
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy