I’m Good Luv, Enjoy: How Saying 'No' Keeps Your Life Balance In Check
The way my life is set up, I am the worst at being a "yes" person. Always have been and probably always will be if I'm completely honest. From not wanting to hurt someone's feelings to being afraid of missing out on an opportunity that could change my life, I am really bad at saying no.
But when my energy and well-being are the ones suffering, something's gotta give, and it could only be my health and self-care for so long.
When I started saying no, I felt just as liberated as those days after work when I relieve myself of my bra and pants (sometimes I say no to certain things for the sole purpose of being able to do just that). It just brings this empowering feeling of balance, boundaries, and all things self-care. While saying no still calls for cringe-worthy moments of awkwardness, it's so needed.
It's Okay If You Have Nothing On Your Schedule
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Having no plans doesn't mean you have to say yes to something just to fill the empty space. I used to feel so guilty about saying no to going to an event, babysitting, etc. when I didn't have anything else to do. I just didn't want to do that.
I once heard someone give this suggestion as a tactic to say no and I literally hollered. I still have yet to put it in motion, but it's definitely in the vault for ways to decline an offer if I ever feel like doing so it could be super awkward. Basically, if someone asks you to do something that you really don't want to, tell them, "I have something on the schedule." And then go and write the word "something" in your calendar app or wherever you actually keep your schedule.
It sounds kind of corny but even if your "something" is going home, taking off your bra, and binging on Netflix for a much needed rest day, that's completely fine.
Don't feel like you have to explain or justify it just to say no.
Have A Cut-Off Time For Work
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Working as a full-time freelancer, it became really difficult to have a work-life balance. Especially when how much work I do directly impacts my coins. So you can probably see why saying no became really hard for me once I embraced the freelance lifestyle head-on.
There was absolutely no balance in the timeframe that I worked, so it wasn't rare for me to burn the midnight oil for the sake of the grind (and again, my coins). But when you get to a point where your fatigue impacts your work, there's a clear problem. Because without a balance, it's only a matter of time before it does. I had to start setting a designated time I would work each day and not go beyond that. Whether it was holding off on answering emails until the next morning or turning down an event because I desperately needed a lazy day, being intentional about a work-life balance is one of the best ways to have a balance overall. It just calls for saying no every once in a while.
Designate A "Give Fund" And Don't Go Beyond It
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Saying no doesn't just mean turning down invitations and not answering emails. I've been in the position where not saying no when it comes to this taboo topic of loaning money has really messed with my balance too. There's really no need to get into the details, but what I will say is that I know most can relate. For me, I found that having a fund that's designated for giving to people can create a much needed boundary. And when that fund runs out, it's over. You can reup whenever you want or nah.
But remember, you don't have to explain why you're saying no.
If it's something you don't want to do or don't feel comfortable with, you should be able to say no without any shame or guilt. Yes, there's this honorable thought that goes with giving someone the shirt off your back. But the key is balance.
Those Who Love You Will Understand
As much as we hate saying no sometimes, the ones who really love us and get us will be okay with it. I can't even count the times when it took everything in me to say no to something, and the person on the other end was completely understanding and actually made me feel better about it.
On the flip side, in those moments when I said yes to something I really didn't want to do, I started to dread it right away and tried to think of ways to get out of it. Like that meme that says, "I'm sorry I was late, I didn't want to come." This was the story of my life for quite a while. But then I started telling myself I didn't want to do it in the first place, I was going to start saying no. And anyone who understands you and the importance of your self-care and sanity will understand why you're saying no as well. And those who don't, well they're definitely not worth you sacrificing your precious time for.
Featured image by Hispanolistic/Getty Images
- Why Saying No Is an Act of Love | HuffPost Life ›
- How To Say No and Stop Over-Committing Yourself | The Blissful Mind ›
- Self-Care: A Working Definition - The New York Times ›
- Why Saying "No" More Is The Self Care You Really Need But Never ... ›
- 3 Ways to Set Boundaries and Learn to Say "No" | Psychology Today ›
- When saying no to others is self-care not selfishness | SBS Life ›
- How To Say "No" To Plans When You Want To Prioritize Self Care ... ›
- Three Simple Strategies to Say No to People ›
- When Self-Care Means Saying 'No' | The Mighty ›
Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images